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1099 Views 13 Replies 11 Participants Last post by  canadianchick

I have a question. I'm sort of under an alias. I am not a new member. Don't let the post could fool you. Some of my IRL friends and family read and post here and I would prefer to keep these thoughts private from them.

OK, here goes. I am married with a few kids and have been married with no real trouble for 6 years. I have always "thought" about women sexually. Oddly enough, more during each pregnancy. Im not really in a great place right now with my body and am trying to loose some baby weight and sex has been non existant on my list of priorities. I'm totally not interested lately.

But, If I were feeling better about my self image, I would possible like to explore these thoughts more. Not just physically but all around. My husband would divorce me. I know he would flip out, call me a big lesbian and leave. I love him and would never want that. Nothing is worth our family. Of course, he'd be more offended since he's not getting any and here I am thinking about women. I'd like to have a relationship, emotionally first, with a woman but wonder if it would always have to be a secret. A lie.

Has anyone btdt? WHat did you do? Should I just accept that I am married and leave it alone?

This was sparked by reading here btw. I probably would have never said a word. Wemoons descriptions of kissing a girl just sound so
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No advice...just wanted to wish you luck in whatever you decide to do
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I think of sexuality as a continuum. (and in my opinion, i'ts not always in a fixed location)

Don't sweat it. You're normal! : )
Well, I'm going through a later in life change to my sexuality so I can relate up to a point. I however am single, I can't even imagine trying to re-evaluate my sexuality while in a LTR.

I think you have to ask yourself some hard questions...

Are you still attracted to your husband? Were you ever? What's changed? How? Why?

How is your attraction to him effected by your self esteem and body image issues? Do you think that would change if he were a woman?

Are you using women as an escape? Like a fantasyland totally removed from your current life? OR are you just now fighting your way through a lifetime of self repression.

If you take a long look at yourself and find your sexuality has some label you never considered before...what does that mean to you? to your self image? to your life?

You came here looking for answers..and all I can offer you if more questions.
Sexual idenity is an essential part of who you are you can only repress it for so long. Personally I think you CAN'T just let the issue go, if you do it will just keep popping back up KWIM?

Goodluck in your Journey.
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Wow... I just don't know. I personally think marriage is the worst thing ever. It just traps people into these ridiculous ideas. But not the point of your post here...

If you feel the need to explore this, then I would. But know that you risk your marriage. If it is a risk your willing to take then go for it. But if you are certain that you want this marriage and you want to keep it, then I would stay away from exploring.

Originally Posted by wemoon
I personally think marriage is the worst thing ever. It just traps people into these ridiculous ideas.
oh i agree wholeheartedly.

to curious*mama
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Well, I have been in your shoes somewhat. I always knew that I was attracted to women. Then over the course of my 10 year marriage, I though about women more and more to the point that I couldn't take it anymore. I came "out" to my husband, and eventually ended my marriage.
I became involved right away with a woman who was a good friend who I had had a major crush on for years. Making love to a woman (to me) is the most increadably wonderful thing EVER. I can't believe I wasted so much of my life pushing those feelings aside!!!! (many of my lovers have commented that it was a waste of talent too
) but seriously, for me, it was just that I'm a lesbian. PERIOD. Whether that's you or not, I don't know. From the sounds of your posts, you have a LOT of thinking to do.
I would not suggest having an affair though. I think that is always a bad idea, because it makes everything dishonest. KWIM?
Good luck, and hugs to you. I know how hard it is to be in your shoes.
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I always knew too, and told my dh that I was attracted to women before we got married, but I don't think either of us realized how important it was to me. In my case, it took falling in love with another woman to really come out. And I smartly had married someone that was fine with it. So no need to hide anything.

I think you have to do what you feel is right. Whatever that is. Some people can deal with it and just put it in the back of their mind and go on. Not that I recommend that at all. But I know alot of people do.

I'm curious if you really know that he'd freak based on personal experience with him on this issue?
Thanks for all the hugs.. It's weird even letting these thoughts out.

I know he'd flip out. He's a total homophobic. He's never even been one of those men that are turned on by lesbians. I know alot of men who are. I guess this will have to remain an idea. A curiousity. I wouldn't risk my family. I couldn't raise 3 kids alone and wouldn't want to. He's a great father. Something is lacking in our marriage. Maybe it's breastfeeding, and maybe it's just me. I'm just not really attracted to him sexually anymore. It's strange because I want to hug him and love on him. I just don't want him. And I know that's bad.

I don't neccesarily want anyone right now. I just imagine that I would enjoy having a relationship with a woman. Maybe someday, I will find the courage to deal with this. Maybe feel that I can trust him with this secret and know that he would allow me to explore it without it ruining our family. Maybe there is no way to do that at all.

Don't all women fantisize about other women sometimes?
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I think whatever you do, the main question for you is do you want to keep your family in its current situation?

If you can't bare the thought of your kids living with parents who have split up, you probably shouldn't consider exploring.

My DP was in a similar situation (although she didn't have kids). She was very curious about what it would be like to kiss another woman and told her husband about it. He, being a standard guy, was all for it. He liked the idea of he kissing another woman. My guess is that he was hoping for a threesome (not that that would ever happen).

So, when she kissed a friend, he seemed cool with it. But, when it turned into more of a make out session, he got really insecure and freaked.

You have to understand that their marriage was troubled from time to time prior to this happening. They had both considered divorce a year or so earlier, but at the time thought that things were okay.

Needless to say, things got ugly very quickly and they separated and eventually divorced.

Looking back, my DP says (although it was hell at the time) divorcing her husband was really the best thing. She had feelings for women most of her life (she can remember crushes when she was little) and she wasn't fullfilled by her marriage. Her husband was more like a good friend that she really loved hanging out with. Yes, there was sex and it was okay. But, her relationship with me, according to her, is more fulfilling in every way than her relationship with her husband.

One of the main reasons is that we talk about EVERYTHING. If we have a smallest disagreement, we work it out immediately. I'm not saying that it is impossible to have this with a man. There are a lot of men who are more communicative than others (some women are not very communicative either). But, she has said that she has never been happier in her life.

I can't say why that is. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that she is being herself (and I encourage her to be her own person). It's funny because her mom has told me that DP is so much happier and a much stronger person with me. She has grown a lot.

She was born and lived in the midwest when I met her and she has told me that now she realizes that she was 'playing the part' of a hetero girl because she was scared of how people would react (she lived in a relatively small town).

And she was right. When they split up, her husband went out of his way to bad outh her and broadcast what had happened to all of her friends (even those they hadn't spoken to in years). For all intents and purposes, she was osterized, especially by MOST of her church friends. In the end, only a few of her friends stood by her.

So, her moving to CA to be with me was a no brainer. And her growing as a person and becoming comfortable with herself has a lot to do with living in a place that is more accepting (I think).

So, if you are truly thinking about experimenting. I would suggest keeping your family in mind and thinking about whether you can handle other people's reactions.

In my opinion, cheating is cheating no matter what the sex of the person you're with. That's not a judgement on anyone. It's just my personal view.

I hope this long winded post helps.

Good luck to you.

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That's just the problem. My family would freak and probably disown me. They have a problem with me having lesbian friends at all. My husband would be crushed and would leave me. He'd want our kids for sure. I couldn't bear any of that. It's just not worth it. It's a real fantasy to me but i'm probably only giving it this much thought because things have become monotonous and boring.

I really appreciate you all letting me talk these feeling out and giving me great input. I think this will be my last post here.

As far as "dont all women fantasize about other women" I don't know. But, IMO the willingness and desire to act on it means something. YMMV.

I had a similar discussion with a very good friend
I couldn't raise 3 kids alone...
Yes, you could. If you needed to, you could. Don't sell yourself short.

(Not saying that you should or will. Just saying.
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I was always attracted to girls when I was younger and messed around with my friends in my early teens. But that was 20+ years ago and I grew up in a small town so being with a woman was not an option. I dated guys for many years but always felt like there was something missing. I was always attracted to women. I met a woman 4 years ago and I felt very attracted to her. I let her know how I was feeling and started dating. The first time we had sex, I knew what was missing. It was the most incredicble experience ever. That relationship has ended and I am now single and looking but I wish I had not missed all of those years. One good thing did come out of it though... my 9 yr old daughter. I thought my parents would have a hard time with it but they were fine. I am now raising my daughter alone and you can do it too. Don't ignore your feelings.
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