I'm not well versed in nvc, so not too much help here. Can you write something along the lines of "Speaking to each other so we can communicate our wants and needs to each other is the easiest way to resolve the fight we had four days ago."<br><br>
I don't really know what could be so wrong that a person would give their partner the silent treatment for four days. It might be something you need to see a counsellor to work on.<br><br>
ETA: No I don't think you should rehash the event. Something else is going on that needs to be addressed. For instance, all those adjectives you'd like to call him may or may not be deserved. Either way, you need to get to a point where you don't feel that way about him, through some kind of behavior modification on probably both your parts.
Hey, NVC is fine and all, but something is really wrong here because adults do not do "the silent treatment." And certainly spouses don't. I'm not much help because there would probably be nothing "nonviolent" about my communication at the point you're at. Sorry.
Honestly? If someone went *4 days* without talking to me while living in my house, and I had done nothing heinous to said person (i.e. cheated, got my 4th DWI, or otherwise deeply betrayed them in someway), I would not be trying to speak with them anymore. I think I'd be packing my shit and letting my lawyer do the talking.<br><br>
There's obviously a bigger picture here. Only you know what that is.
I know when I posted before I was trying to be helpful. But given the situation (nothing really horrible happened, apparently, you didn't drop a knife on his foot or something) I would not be trying to get him to stop talking. I'd go to a hotel or something and let him do the opening-up, since you don't even seem to know what's going on.
as my sig says, NVC changed my life. Granted, it's not perfect and dh and I still fight - lots. That said, NVC has helped me see a different way of communicating I am working towards. When dh and I use NVC (not enough right now) we both feel sooooo much better.<br><br>
Remember, nvc is not a device to get people to do what you want. It's COMPASSIONATE COMMUNICATION FROM THE HEART to make a CONNECTION.<br><br>
My best stab with such little info is:<br>
When I think about the fact that we are not communicating with eachother,<br>
I feel __________ (angry, hurt, sad, frustrated....) because<br>
I have a need for ___________ (open communication? honesty, partnership....)<br>
Would you be willing to ______________(tell me how you feel about what I said, tell me what you heard me say, sit down and have a discussion with me.....)<br><br>
That is real basic, sticking to the form NVC. Just remember to go into this with the intention of making a connection with your hubby. Does he need empathy right now, do you? Maybe you both - or just you, if you're willing to - need to start there.<br><br>
If he's not speaking to you, maybe you could give yourself self-empathy. Then start giving him silent empathy.<br><br>
You said he may think you're no longer attracted to him. Whether it's true, silly, or a ploy he's using to fight with you. There is an honest underlying need he is expressing. From your apparent lack of anger I'm guessing you care about that underlying need and this is not his way of sabotaging your relationship?<br><br>
I did not read through all the other replies, just snippets. While I agree adults (no one) should use silent treatment. The fact remains people do. I DO - even while I'm doing it I feel shitty. It's one of those well-worn defenses we fall into.<br><br>
Four days is excessive, and sad. It's amazes me each time my dh and I get into a HUGE overblown argument over something tiny. The argument feels like it could end the marriage. I don't know why we do these things - though most often it seems to stem from misunderstandings.<br><br>
That is what is so amazing about NVC - cutting through all the traps that lead to misunderstanding by speaking from the heart without judgment. Sorry I won't preach, just speaking from experience.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies//2cents.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="2 cents">:<br><br>
Good luck!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"> I have stopped talking to DH for days also. I needed time in my own head and it helped me not to be immature and say things that I may not have meant so I just stopped talking if I didn't have anything positive to say. I don't see it as being immature I see it as reserving my frustration at a time when I was better able to communicate. That has lasted about four days until I was over or ready to talk about whatever was bothering me. I admit though my silent treatment was usually in response to being told shut up or some other stupid nonsense. So I would shut up no matter what. If he needed directions oh well. Wanted to know where the eggs were well you told me to shut up so a shrug was all you got. That's petty but if it wasn't a bad fight involving those types of words he may just need to work through it. I know this may not be helpful but as someone who has done it thought I'd give my perspective.
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MamaWindmill</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/12398271"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">"Dear Husband: I used to use the silent treatment to manipulate people too, and then I turned four."</div>
That almost made me spit my water. lol<br><br>
Can you communicate to him that you would like to set aside time to work on this? Like "tonight after the kids go to bed, I would like to talk to you about this situation."
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I *think*, and I am only making an educated guess here, that he is afraid I might not be as attracted to him as in the past. Which FTR is baloney.</td>
How about sex? That's pretty nonviolent. Well... usually.
I would probably send him an email or write him a letter along these lines:<br><br>
I am hurt and exasperated at the way you have been treating me these last four days. I refuse to be ignored in my home, and am not willing to deal with your silent treatment any longer. I will be taking a vacation and staying with the kids at a hotel/friend's house/parent's house. You can reach me at this number: (000)-000-0000. I will come home when you are willing to speak like an adult about our problems.<br>
In the future I will no longer be able to let you treat me like this. I understand if you need some time to think, but being ignored by you is not acceptable. We can discuss some solutions (counseling, writing letters, or other) when you are willing to.<br><br>
Do you think your DH is basically kind/empathetic? IF he heard you, re: your feelings, do you think it would reach him? Do you think he WANTS, at some level, to reconcile and work through this? To me, that's a fundamental question.
I can see tabling an issue because you can't deal with it rationally in the moment. That's a reasonable, mature response, especially if clearly communicated to your partner.<br><br>
But he hasn't talked to you at all? For four DAYS? And you think it's because he thinks you think that he's not as attractive as he used to think you thought he was?<br><br>
Four days of silent treatment would do a pretty serious number on how attractive I found my husband.<br><br>
You know what really helps partners bond? What keeps people together in the face of the things that happen because of age and gravity? It's not any one thing, really. Kindness. Trust. A little faith, a little forgiveness. The ability to have a conversation. Sometimes you need to have big conversations, so those get a lot of attention, but in actual fact, you cannot stay involved without small conversations. Did you like the movie. Please pass the salt. How was the meeting. The Mets will never win the pennant.<br><br>
I appreciate your desire to speak to your partner in as constructive a fashion as possible, but I look at the situation described and think that words like "asinine" are the least of your problems. My email in this circumstance would read something like, "Based on your behavior this week, I understand that you do not currently feel capable of being with me or speaking to me. I respect your need for some space at this time, but it has made life in our household very unpleasant, and I do not believe that the situation is healthy for us to be in or for our children to observe. Until you feel more capable of living with me, you need to stay elsewhere. I have packed you a two day suitcase and left it on the porch. Let me know if you would like to see the children this weekend."
Four days? Wow. It's great that you want to discuss this with him in a mature and non-heated fashion, but he is treating you like a child. I have read that one of the most damaging things in a marriage is the silent treatment. At this point it's up to *him* to make the next move because he is the one doing wrong.<br><br>
Honestly? If my husband ignored me for 4 days I'd leave until he was ready to communicate in an adult fashion.
is his silent treatment a normal way of acting from him? has he done it before?<br><br>
before you go ahead with ANYTHING there are two things that if you did would be able to help you with ur situation.<br><br>
first of all his 4 - now 5 days of not speaking - to me shows how deeply hurt he is. maybe this time it would have been a small issue - but could be the straw that broke the camel's back. so even if you think the 'story' is not big, for him it is HUUUUGE!!!<br><br>
secondly before you enter into any kind of convo with him - first do some deep self empathy within you (call your empathy buddy if you have one). and when you feel the shift within you - when you are no longer angry and wanting to call him names - but can see what his needs are - then approach some dialogue like Sara suggested.<br><br>
like sara said remember with NVC it really isnt about the words. but the energy that you bring to the table. NVC is all about oneness. not seeing teh other person separate but the same as you. but of course before you can even go that far you need to take care of your own hurt.<br><br>
are you feeling afraid, frustrated, bewildered, confused, despair, insecure, perplexed because your need for authenticity, meaning, connection, love, companionship, trust, understanding, care is not being met? (yeah i purposely wrote a bunch of feelings and needs for you to get some clue). if you really sit with urself and get in touch with what you are truly feeling and what your needs are - you will have solved half the battle.<br><br>
Well my credentials are I am divorced after 26 years, so my advice may not be that great, but it did work for me..<br><br>
His favorite form of punishment was the silent treatment, sometimes for weeks at a time..I felt devastated and destroyed, I would cry, beg, you name it.<br><br>
The very last time he pulled this ----<br><br>
I said you know what this is boring, I am going shopping..And I did. I looked at everything in the stores, had coffee, lunch, etc..I came home with four bags, but it was mostly stuff like hangers, a new toaster, practical stuff that we needed anyway. Went into the bedroom, when I got home and went to bed.<br><br>
Next morning, no change.<br><br>
"You know what this is boring. I am going shopping....Spent another day shopping. It was hard. Shopping was getting boring by than.<br><br>
Got home and he was absolutely in a panic. How long are you going to do this?<br><br>
"Forever. No reason to sit around here and be ignored by you."<br><br>
He managed to find his voice that night. And you know what - he never pulled that carp again...<br><br>
This is a bid for attention, control and power on his part. Don't suck in or he'll do it forever...