If you have friends around you who are people of color, that will help your child resist racism. It could also go a long way toward stopping your s/o from using racist language.
Racism
I am anti-racist and I would like to install the same attitude into my 2 1/2 year old.
HOWEVER, my s/o is mildly racist, using racist terminology in everday speach... when refering to an african american individual he uses the N word which i find HIGHLY unacceptable and prefer it not to be used around me or my son.
I have tried telling him how i feel about this racist talk and he doesn't seem to stop.
Anyone have any suggestions?
HOWEVER, my s/o is mildly racist, using racist terminology in everday speach... when refering to an african american individual he uses the N word which i find HIGHLY unacceptable and prefer it not to be used around me or my son.
I have tried telling him how i feel about this racist talk and he doesn't seem to stop.
Anyone have any suggestions?
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Well we have a friend who is from barbados, but this is a friend whom we only get to see when we go out for a night on the town on the rare occasion we have a sitter. My son doesn't have any friends right now, but i live in a very multicultural city and when we go to the park there are often children of many different races and cultures. However my s/o always seems to make a point of pointing them out in a racist manner and this embarrases me and greatly disturbes me.
I detest his terminology but i can stomach it, however i don't want my son picking it up.. I want him to respect everyone equally as i do.
I detest his terminology but i can stomach it, however i don't want my son picking it up.. I want him to respect everyone equally as i do.
How long have you been with this guy? I would really reevaluate my relationship with him, do you really want your son being around someone like that? I know I personally could never be with someone so full of hatred for someone else. Even if he stopped using racial slurs, the fact that he is a racist is still there.
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Tell him you are leaving if he doesn't stop would be my suggestion, and then do it.
May sound harsh, but if you are really interested in raising your son to not be racist, staying in a relationship with a man who would ever use that word is showing him by example that it is acceptable.
Originally Posted by Jaydens_mom I am anti-racist and I would like to install the same attitude into my 2 1/2 year old. HOWEVER, my s/o is mildly racist, using racist terminology in everday speach... when refering to an african american individual he uses the N word which i find HIGHLY unacceptable and prefer it not to be used around me or my son. I have tried telling him how i feel about this racist talk and he doesn't seem to stop. Anyone have any suggestions? |
May sound harsh, but if you are really interested in raising your son to not be racist, staying in a relationship with a man who would ever use that word is showing him by example that it is acceptable.
he is not REALLY racist.. he just uses racist terminologies... like i said we have a friend from barbados. He doesn't call him the "N" word to his face, but he uses it behind his back or when refering to any other person of his race.
So he doesn't really HATE the individuals he just refuses to give up his racist labels.
We are from a small town where there were mostly only caucasian residents, so when we moved to the city that's when the terms started coming up.
I have been with him for 2 years and we have only lived in the city for 8 months.
So he doesn't really HATE the individuals he just refuses to give up his racist labels.
We are from a small town where there were mostly only caucasian residents, so when we moved to the city that's when the terms started coming up.
I have been with him for 2 years and we have only lived in the city for 8 months.
I don't know if I would call using the N word "mildly racist." That's a gross understatement. Not trying to be snarky here...just honest. I think you need to name the problem for what it is in order to correctly mitigate the harm it could do on you son and children of color around him.
Its up to you to make sure that your child knows that that kind of language is unacceptable or else having friends around him who are persons of color could become experience the legacy of your s/o's "mild racism." And hopefully these friends aren't other children...Because you might reap other repercussions...
Quite simply, children imitate what they hear and see from their parents so you have got to do some serious damage control. Talk about respect and love, read books about people from other cultures, etc.
Good luck mama.
Its up to you to make sure that your child knows that that kind of language is unacceptable or else having friends around him who are persons of color could become experience the legacy of your s/o's "mild racism." And hopefully these friends aren't other children...Because you might reap other repercussions...
Quite simply, children imitate what they hear and see from their parents so you have got to do some serious damage control. Talk about respect and love, read books about people from other cultures, etc.
Good luck mama.
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I don't think this will make him stop.. he doesn't seem to care if i leave.
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I am not in any financial state right now to branch out on my own with my son either
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Originally Posted by artgoddess Tell him you are leaving if he doesn't stop would be my suggestion, and then do it. May sound harsh, but if you are really interested in raising your son to not be racist, staying in a relationship with a man who would ever use that word is showing him by example that it is acceptable. |
I am not in any financial state right now to branch out on my own with my son either
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I refered to it as mild racism because he doesnt talk down to the individuals when he is around them, or treat them any differently then he would anyone else. He just uses racist terms when refering to thier cultural background.
Originally Posted by kimiij I don't know if I would call using the N word "mildly racist." That's a gross understatement. Not trying to be snarky here...just honest. I think you need to name the problem for what it is in order to correctly mitigate the harm it could do on you son and children of color around him. Its up to you to make sure that your child knows that that kind of language is unacceptable or else having friends around him who are persons of color could become experience the legacy of your s/o's "mild racism." And hopefully these friends aren't other children...Because you might reap other repercussions... Quite simply, children imitate what they hear and see from their parents so you have got to do some serious damage control. Talk about respect and love, read books about people from other cultures, etc. Good luck mama. |
Jaydens_mom: he is not REALLY racist.. he just uses racist terminologies... like i said we have a friend from barbados. He doesn't call him the "N" word to his face, but he uses it behind his back or when refering to any other person of his race.
So he doesn't really HATE the individuals he just refuses to give up his racist labels.
Being a black Caribbean woman myself, this seriously disturbs me. No "friend" of mine, would call me a N.
Jaydens_mom: So he doesn't really HATE the individuals he just refuses to give up his racist labels.
Are you serious? I. Am. Speechless.
Edited because I couldn't get the quote thing to work so I bolded Jaydens_mom's words.
So he doesn't really HATE the individuals he just refuses to give up his racist labels.
Being a black Caribbean woman myself, this seriously disturbs me. No "friend" of mine, would call me a N.
Jaydens_mom: So he doesn't really HATE the individuals he just refuses to give up his racist labels.
Are you serious? I. Am. Speechless.
Edited because I couldn't get the quote thing to work so I bolded Jaydens_mom's words.
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So what if he's too chicken to call an AA person an N to thier face, the fact that he's thinking it or even saying it at all makes him a racist.
Originally Posted by Jaydens_mom I refered to it as mild racism because he doesnt talk down to the individuals when he is around them, or treat them any differently then he would anyone else. He just uses racist terms when refering to thier cultural background. |
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Doesn't sound like you seem to happy with the marital situation in general if those are the only reasons you shouldn't leave. I'm not trying to lead you to divorce but really evaluate the quality of the relationship you have with him (that includes his character and how he responds to you and your needs/values). It may be that he doesn't think you'll actually leave, maybe not that he doesn't care...
Originally Posted by Jaydens_mom I don't think this will make him stop.. he doesn't seem to care if i leave.
I am not in any financial state right now to branch out on my own with my son either
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Okay, well, he's going to have to stop using mean names about people with whom he'd like to be friends. It bugs you, and he clearly understands that it would bug your friends, and he doesn't want to do that. That's why he only does this behind people's backs. So he's got to just go cold turkey. It's really not that hard. If he's friends with Fred, then he calls him Fred, not "that n-word guy"--Fred. Right? Set a limit and offer support to him to achieve it.
Say "no more n-word in our house" and then acknowledge that it's hard to change and talk about how many more friends you will be able to make when this attitude shifts.
If he's just doing this to bug you as part of an overall pattern of abusing you because you are financially dependent--well, that's a different story. Then we need to talk about the rest of the picture.
Originally Posted by Jaydens_mom he is not REALLY racist.. he just uses racist terminologies... like i said we have a friend from barbados. He doesn't call him the "N" word to his face, but he uses it behind his back or when refering to any other person of his race. So he doesn't really HATE the individuals he just refuses to give up his racist labels. |
Say "no more n-word in our house" and then acknowledge that it's hard to change and talk about how many more friends you will be able to make when this attitude shifts.
If he's just doing this to bug you as part of an overall pattern of abusing you because you are financially dependent--well, that's a different story. Then we need to talk about the rest of the picture.
kimiij said:Being a black Caribbean woman myself, this seriously disturbs me. No "friend" of mine, would call me a N.
I agree with you 100%, but because he doesn't use these word to rogers face, roger has no idea that this is being said. Alot of the people my s/o work with are OPENLY racist towards roger and i find that disgusting and they should be fired. I would never talk about anyone like that TO thier face or BEHIND thier back. I really wish he would respect his friend more.
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I don't really know how to put it..
Originally Posted by Jaydens_mom
So he doesn't really HATE the individuals he just refuses to give up his racist labels.
QUOTE]
Are you serious? I. Am. Speechless.
He doesn't treat them any differently when talking to them as he would treat me or his caucasian friends.
He doesn't act out in racist manners, as some racist people do.
I have only witnessed him telling racist jokes and using racist terminology while not around the individuals in which he is refering to.
This doesn't justify ANY of his actions whatsoever so please don't take it as me making excuses for him.. im just trying to explain the situation as well as possible.
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I agree completely. Racist terminologies = a racist person.
I didn't know how to express his lack of face to face racism in any other words though, sorry.
Originally Posted by Sharlla So what if he's too chicken to call an AA person an N to thier face, the fact that he's thinking it or even saying it at all makes him a racist. |
I didn't know how to express his lack of face to face racism in any other words though, sorry.
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We are not married , sorry i forgot to mention that.
I have left before so he knows that i would if i could, again. If need be.
However he knows that i can't because I have no money, no job ( I am a SAHM ) and nowhere to go.. ( my mother has a new family and there is no room for me and my ds )
Originally Posted by kimiij Doesn't sound like you seem to happy with the marital situation in general if those are the only reasons you shouldn't leave. I'm not trying to lead you to divorce but really evaluate the quality of the relationship you have with him (that includes his character and how he responds to you and your needs/values). It may be that he doesn't think you'll actually leave, maybe not that he doesn't care... |
I have left before so he knows that i would if i could, again. If need be.
However he knows that i can't because I have no money, no job ( I am a SAHM ) and nowhere to go.. ( my mother has a new family and there is no room for me and my ds )
OP: I know how hard it is to live on your own in that city. I can acctually give you a name of a real cool resource you can use, liberally at that, that can help you get on your feet.
Go to The Living Rock Ministries, Wilson and Hughson.
Tell em Sprite sent ya and you'll get a warm welcome
Yes your child is welcome there too.
That's if you wanna leave your SO. I'd strongly encourage you to do so. I know the scene down there...I know it's hard. I lived with an OPEN Neo-nazi skinhead. Seriously, the bio-idiot of my DD is a neonazi, he's now slumming it on Grandeville St in Vancouver trying to get into safe injection sites, but still.
I lived with him out of sheer survival. I got knocked up, no job, Had to do something to survive. $550/month vs $900/month You do the math right?
I left the night he wipped a Romper Stomper CD at my newborn's head. Luckily I had a sister living in the city at the time. If not, I would have called the Rock to get them to see if they coulda gotten me into Martha House.
I know your predicament...I feel your pain. Try to get out while you can. The Rock can help...they helped me
Go to The Living Rock Ministries, Wilson and Hughson.
Tell em Sprite sent ya and you'll get a warm welcome
Yes your child is welcome there too.
That's if you wanna leave your SO. I'd strongly encourage you to do so. I know the scene down there...I know it's hard. I lived with an OPEN Neo-nazi skinhead. Seriously, the bio-idiot of my DD is a neonazi, he's now slumming it on Grandeville St in Vancouver trying to get into safe injection sites, but still.
I lived with him out of sheer survival. I got knocked up, no job, Had to do something to survive. $550/month vs $900/month You do the math right?
I left the night he wipped a Romper Stomper CD at my newborn's head. Luckily I had a sister living in the city at the time. If not, I would have called the Rock to get them to see if they coulda gotten me into Martha House.
I know your predicament...I feel your pain. Try to get out while you can. The Rock can help...they helped me
his kind of racism (and he IS, dont fool yourself) disturbs me far more than people who are more obvious about it. it's disingenuous and implies they know it's wrong yet they wont change it.
I suggest leaving him as well but it's not my life. if it consoles you I was raised by some incredibly racist people and I'm not at all, nor was I ever. at age 5 I seriously resented not being allowed to play with certain kids. so even sticking with him, you can hope to hell that you rub off more or that the kid realises on his/her own that it's crap.
I suggest leaving him as well but it's not my life. if it consoles you I was raised by some incredibly racist people and I'm not at all, nor was I ever. at age 5 I seriously resented not being allowed to play with certain kids. so even sticking with him, you can hope to hell that you rub off more or that the kid realises on his/her own that it's crap.
I'm not understanding this at all.
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Yes Jaydens_mom, he REALLY is a racist. Maybe you are just trying not to see it because it disturbs you so much? I don't know. I'm trying to understand how someone can say that a person who they have ever hears utter the N word is not a racist. It doesn't make any sense, any sense at all, this man is very clearly, most assuredly a racist. If your son grows up to hear him use these words he will spend his life trying to rid himself of the seeds of racism.
Sort of off topic question: Does anyone know how long a person must be a member to view TAO? There is a thread there that I would like to link for Jaydens_mom, if she can read it.
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| he is not REALLY racist.. he just uses racist terminologies... like i said we have a friend from barbados. He doesn't call him the "N" word to his face, but he uses it behind his back or when refering to any other person of his race. |
Sort of off topic question: Does anyone know how long a person must be a member to view TAO? There is a thread there that I would like to link for Jaydens_mom, if she can read it.
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I believe it is 50 posts and 60 days. But I know the thread you mean (I think) and agree that it's excellent.
Originally Posted by artgoddess Sort of off topic question: Does anyone know how long a person must be a member to view TAO? There is a thread there that I would like to link for Jaydens_mom, if she can read it. |
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