Mothering Forum banner

1 - 12 of 12 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
459 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Ugh. I just found out that my ex is living with his girlfriend. I found out by the address on the bank check I just received. We just started doing CS by his bank sending a check. Before this, on his personal checks, it was just a PO Box. I'm SO furious that he didn't have the decency to tell me where he lives... where he takes our son.<br>
He left when I was 5 months pregnant, over a year ago. Having an affair with his former student (he is a hs teacher). Never told me about the affair. Has never told me he is dating her. Long story how I know all about it... not the point here. He knows I know. He has never taken any responsibility or apologized for the disaster he created.<br>
He tries to be as evasive as possible about where he takes DS on Saturdays and who he is with. And it is infuriating on a million levels. He has such control issues and can't stand the fact that he feels I have more control on decisions about DS who is only 10 months old, nurses and lives with me because, oh yeah... HE LEFT! So he feels that what he does with DS on his time is the only control he has. He has said this. I am not trying to tell him what he can and can't do or who he can and can't see. I just want to know. I want to know where my son is. I want to know who the people are that my son is developing relationships with. As he starts to talk, I want to be able to talk about his day when he comes home. I want to be able to prepare him for his time with his father before he leaves. Is he going to expect DS to keep secrets from me once he can talk???<br>
I HATE the fact that his girlfriend gets to spend time with my son. I hate the idea of DS bonding with her. I hate hate hate the idea that when overnights do start that she will be there. I don't know how to get over this.<br>
I hate that DS will have this whole other side to his life that I will not be any part of at all. That is so hard for me.<br>
I don't miss my ex. I wouldn't take him back in a million years. I wouldn't care who he lived with or married if it weren't for DS.<br>
I am sure they will probably get married as soon as our divorce is final, this summer. I wonder if he'll even tell me. Again... I wouldn't care... but we are "co-parenting." I think small details about who you live with and who you are married to should be considered must share info... don't you think???<br>
I'm still so angry that I have to share my son. I didn't do this. I know I need to get over that. And probably a lot of this stuff.<br>
How do I get an angry, unreasonable, manipulative control freak to tell me this stuff.<br>
Ugh... I could go on and on right now. I hate dealing with him so much. If I tell him how mad I am, he just gets defensive and somehow always manages to turn things around on me.<br>
The positive note in all of this... I'M NOT MARRIED TO HIM ANYMORE!!!<br>
Thanks for listening. I knew some of you mamas would get this and might have some words of wisdom and/or empathy.<br>
Robin
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
656 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
325 Posts
robinchap1 I really feel for you. It must be so hard to give up that much control, when you are an attached mama of a baby. It sounds like an added dimension is that for him this is a way of exerting some control, at your expense. He can yank your chain in this way. How do you find a way to detach? I imagine it's theoretically possible, but you have a lot of mama biology to fight against in order to let it go. Hang in there. Maybe it'll improve in some unexpected way, like they'll get tired of having your son.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,162 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">, mama.<br><br>
That sounds so hard, especially with such a little one.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">How do I get an angry, unreasonable, manipulative control freak to tell me this stuff.</td>
</tr></table></div>
Well, as far as him moving, get it written into the custody order. It's perfectly reasonable that you should know where your son is.<br><br>
Again, <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">, it does get better.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
627 Posts
I know what you mean about the g/f. I'm having the same problem with mine, just slightly different terms. I don't mind her at all, i'd just like to meet her. I kind of like knowing who my daughter is getting attached too. I'm trying so hard to get over it and just let it be, maybe you can doo <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
I think you really need to find out where your son is. Granted, i'm sure you don't want a minute by minute explination but in case of emergency, you'd have no idea where to even go. That's totally unreasonable and unsafe! I don't know everything about what my DD does at her fathers house, but i know where to go if heaven forbid, something happens to her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
459 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
Oh mommies... thank you. I feel better reading your responses. I'm going to have to talk to him. I'm torn between just plain old straightforward and the following:<br>
I just wanted to tell you, the reason I needed you to get the rest of your furniture out is because my boyfriend is moving in. I thought you should know because he is a major part of your son's life. I know you would tell me under the same circumstances. I'm so glad we can be open with each other now. Don't worry... he is great with DS.<br><br>
That's just a made up story, and I'm sure he'll know it. I'm pretty sure he knows I'm not dating. But maybe, just for an instant, he would get it??? Probably not.<br><br>
And yeah... the emergency thing... what the $%&* is wrong with him!!!<br><br>
Junonia... I have to admit... that is one of my greatest wishes... that they will just get sick of having DS around and back off. But before DS is old enough to be attached and disappointed. Knowing him, he'll wait until DS is older and really wanting his daddy and I'm ready for a little time to myself once in a while, and then he'll bail.<br><br>
I don't know how to detach... it's really hard. I can't stand the thought that DS will have more and more time away from me... I just have to breathe and take it one day at a time. The arrangement we have right now is mostly ok. But every month or so he starts to push for more all over again.<br><br>
Anyway... thank you. I really needed to vent last night. I am so thankful for this forum and all of you!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
627 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>robinchap1</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7933860"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><br>
That's just a made up story, and I'm sure he'll know it. I'm pretty sure he knows I'm not dating. But maybe, just for an instant, he would get it??? Probably not.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Trust me, he won't. If he knows you're lying and making that up, it'll be worse in the end. He'll thrive on it b/c he knows it's pissing you off. Don't lie. There is nothing to lie about. You want to know where your child will be when he's not with you. Unfortunately you have no say in the g/f situation. You seem like a mama that is very concerned with your childs emotional well being and I was in the same place a few years ago, but you just cannot make up stories on the offshoot that a dose of self inflicting karma will make him realize it.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Mama, i could have written the same post a few years ago. You never really do get over it, you just have to learn to let it go.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,219 Posts
Honey, you can only control <b>you</b>. You have to let him live his life and make the mistakes he is going to make. I would have screamed at this advice five years ago... you have no idea how hurt I was at the choices my former spouse made for all of us. Now, it is five years later... and life is good, my children are relativly safe, and we are happy.<br><br>
Jimmy Buffett has a great song for this one. It is called <b>breath in breath out move on.</b><br><br><br><b>I bought a cheap watch from a crazy man<br>
Floating down canal<br>
It doesn't use numbers or moving hands<br>
It always just says now<br>
Now you may be thinking that I was had<br>
But this watch is never wrong<br>
And If I have trouble the warranty said<br>
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On<br><br>
And it rained, It was nothing really new<br>
And it blew, we've seen all that before<br>
And it poured, the Earth began to strain<br>
Pontchartrain leaking through the door, tides at war<br><br>
If a hurricane doesn't leave you dead<br>
It will make you strong<br>
Don't try to explain it just nod your head<br>
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On<br><br>
[Guitar Solo]<br><br>
And it rained, It was nothing really new<br>
And it blew, seen all that before<br>
And it poured, the Earth began to strain<br>
Pontchartrain buried the 9th Ward to the 2nd floor<br><br>
According to my watch the time is now<br>
Past is dead and gone<br>
Don't try to shake it just nod your head<br>
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On<br><br>
Don't try to shake it just bow your head<br>
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On<br></b>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
215 Posts
Holy crap i could have written your whole post!<br><br><br>
except for the fact that i got so sick of it i 1. banned her from ever being anywhere near my son ever again (because of serious care issues that i felt were unacceptable, so much so that i may, or may not, have contacted her employer (a daycare) annonymously to question her ability to propery care for infants). and promptly moved him out of the country. HA.<br><br>
I know you can't do that, and of course i have my own personal hell to deal with because of all of that, but at least i control who DS sees, and when. I know it's not the kids fault (they now have a baby together) but i will NOT have DS thinking that what his Dad has done, and continues to do, is okay. Because it's completely NOT.<br><br>
I know how you feel, and i wish there was something i could say to help. I definately think you need to make it a bigger deal that you know where your son is at all times, and who he is in care with. Honestly, i believe it's your right to approve. I don't care if he doesn't think it is. That's my opinion. And for emergency purposes you need to know where he's taking him! I would be so upset too. (again, why i left. plus other stuff.)<br><br>
I hope you're able to figure things out, and i'm so incredbly sorry that you are going through this. I wish noone ever had to experience any of the stuff i've been through, so hugs to you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
680 Posts
if it helps...<br><br>
even if you and ex had stayed together, your ds would still have a life you're not part of, and possibly early on. I had to put dd in pt daycare at just under 2 years, and guess what? She's got a life there. In a year or so she'll go off to school and be there all day, and I won't know what's going on, won't even be welcome to just wander into the school and say hi. Your son will have the same story there.<br><br>
If you can think of it that way, maybe it'll be easier. Still hard, but without the divorce-horrible-man thing mixed in.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
342 Posts
wow, your situation is very similar to mine. ex dh left me at around 7 1/2 months pg to be with someone else, a coworker he was having an affair with who was a lot younger than him and his boss. he wouldn't admit they were together for over a year. he moved her into my house while i had to move back in with my parents for a while and then a complete dump.<br><br>
dd is two now, I am remarried and expecting another child, but it is still hard to deal with ex dh sometimes. It has gotten a lot better. He hardly ever sees her anyway so it's not such a big deal with us. When she does go over there it still kind of bothers me though.<br><br>
When he was lying about his gf and trying to hide it from me it made me steaming mad. I hated that he was being so immature and dragging my dd off to be around some girl I knew nothing about except that she had absolutely no respect for me, my child, or my marriage. I still feel that way about her at times. She doesn't like children and she doesn't really hide it, IMO. He doesn't keep dd overnight because she keeps the gf up, a prime example.<br><br>
Anyway, it does get better with time and it is true that your child will have a life outside of you one way or the other anyway. It is something that we have to deal with as mothers even if it drives us insane. I know it is hard, I have been there, I am still working on not letting it bother me. It does get better. Hang in there.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,004 Posts
I could have written your post! That is insane there are 3 of us here who are in almost identical situations!<br><br>
I've been dealing with the feelings about not knowing about a huge part of my children's lives too. My therapist brought up the similarity to daycare like Mama40 said. That helped me separate my feelings about not being there from my feelings about DCs being with the girlfriend.<br><br>
I would talk to your X and let him know your concerns. I did and I feel so much better. I framed it in a very "this is affecting me this way" sense, not attacking him at all (though I truly wanted to <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> ). At first I said I didn't want to know any thing about what STBX and new girlfriend did - no mention of movies he's seen, concerts he went to etc. etc. But when he wanted to introduce our children to her, I said, as much as I don't ever want to hear that woman's name, I need to know what is going on with my children when I am not around, because its not good for them for me to pretend like there is a world out there I know nothing about.<br><br>
I also share everything about DC's days with STBX, so it goes both ways.<br><br>
And yes, it sucks a lot.
 
1 - 12 of 12 Posts
Top