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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
We went to an early Thanksgiving lunch today at my sister-in-law's house. Her in-laws (her husband's parents) were there as well. I've met these people *maybe* four times in the 6 years that I've been with DH. So the MIL hugs me hello, says "how are you?" and then points to, no <span style="color:#FF0000;"><b><span style="font-size:x-large;">POKES</span></b></span> me in the tummy and says, "how's every little thing?" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked"> I immediately looked away and said, "uh...its okay..." and tried to change the subject, and spent the rest of the afternoon trying to be okay. My loss happened over four months ago and stuff like this still throws me off kilter for a day or two. I wish I could have told her that I lost the baby, but I just couldn't bring myself to saying that. Its not something I am able to talk about with almost strangers.<br><br>
We didn't tell many people that we were pregnant, and the people we did tell were also asked not to tell anyone else. This is the second time something like this has happened to me. I just wish that people who flapped their big mouths when they weren't supposed to would at least follow through and tell about the loss as well. Now I feel like DH has to ask around the family and make sure everyone knows what happened, cause I don't want to be in this situation again, especially during the holidays.<br><br>
Then I had dinner with some friends, including my best friend. She was able to tell that something was wrong, even though I was cracking jokes and laughing the during the meal. I hate that I can't be real with people and I feel like I have to be jokie all the time with people that I don't know, even if I'm feeling so depressed inside. I hate that I hide behind that. I hate that I am even like that with people in my family (including my mom). It makes me feel really lonely.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I'm so sorry that happened to you.
 

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Oh, that's just awful! I'm so sorry!<br><br>
I understand what you mean about it throwing you off kilter. It's like bumping along feeling okay and then WHAM! square in the chest.<br><br>
I was at the grocery with DH the other day and I'm looking at the frozen bread section and this women walks in front of me and says, "Congratulations on the baby!" WHAM! I recovered sufficiently from the impact to notice a buggy with a baby carrier and a sleeping babe next to us and stumbled out, "It's not mine." Before I collapsed crying against DH's shoulder. Yeah...love to make the strangers uncomfortable.<br><br>
I hadn't even considered that there may be people who found out that we didn't know about and therefore probably don't know about the loss. Yay! More unexpected awfulness!<br><br>
I hope that you are feeling better know and are back on kilter...<br><br>
Jenne
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/jaw.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="dropjaw"> I can't believe she did that. How rude! I'd have poked her back and asked her the same question.<br><br>
Don't be pokin' my belly unless you want a poke in the eye. Or a boot to the head. Grr.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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aw honey that isn't any fun at all... i've been there. in fact... everytime i see my big family (my dad's side) SOMEONE always asks "so, how's the baby?" and makes a cradling motion with their arms...<br>
so my response is usually "well, Lily is two and a half, not really a baby anymore y'know?" followed up with an awkward laugh.<br>
they ALL KNOW Ruby died 8 months ago at 40 weeks while i was in labor.<br>
sometimes i want to scream "THE BABY?! SHE'S NOT OK. SHE DIED, REMEMBER?!?" and then run away and cry somewhere.<br>
why people use the word "baby" while referring to your older child/children after they know you've had a loss is beyond me. especially when your living child/children are over two. maybe they DO forget? but... how?<br><br>
ope, went on a rant of my own there.<br><br>
i'm sorry you experienced that, it's like just when we're on a run of good days, something like THAT interrupts everything and it's back to square one.<br>
AGAIN.<br>
xo
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> sigh...people just don't know...they have no idea that things like this happen. not really. I'm so sorry....
 

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Oh Melissa!!! How horrible for you to deal with, my friend. I'm so sorry that happened to you. So someone blabbed to the mil but she didn't know that your baby died? What a horrible position for you to be in. (((Melissa)))<br><br>
And I totally understand the hiding behind your joking around. I'm not a big joker but I have created this serious, normal facade around family that I hide behind. I just don't want to talk about Matthew with them AT ALL but at the same time, like you, it feels lonely. I find myself avoiding my parents because it's easier to just be alone or with close friends.
 

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Oh I'm so sorry that happened to you <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> The way the world ought to work is that the people who blab about your pregnancy should be in charge of relaying the sad news. It would serve them right! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked"><br><br>
With my first mc we had told everyone we knew before the urine was even dry on the peestick. I had no idea anything was wrong until I was about 11 wks and started bleeding. "Untelling" everyone was worse than the mc. MONTHS afterwards mild aquaintances would ask me how my pregnancy was going. (OK...are you saying I look fat also?) It was like a neverending nightmare. I'm sure there are still people out there who don't know I lost the baby.<br><br>
With my second mc, only my husband and a couple friends knew. (I told my best friend and a couple other moms outed me at the park when my stomach was giving away my secret)<br>
It was still awful to lose the baby, but I was able to deal with it better I think since I didn't have to relive it every day.<br>
Interestingly I hung out with the moms that found out at the park a few months back and they didn't say anything. I know they know since I am obviously not pregnant, but they didn't ask me about the pregnancy either.
 

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I'm so sorry for your loss. That totally sucks.<br><br>
When my son died in August 08 I found I had a hard time explaining what had happened when people asked. And, then when I did tell folks I felt bad for having made them sad.<br><br>
Somewhere along the journey I've learned that when I feel like telling I'm not responsible for how that makes the other person feel. If they ask how my kids are or how many kids I have then they get the answer - it's a fact of my life and I can't go around walking on egg shells. If my eyes get wet or tears run down my face when I talk about it so be it. I learn really fast who can handle it and who can't.<br><br>
I'm sorry you're struggling with this part of it, too. I hope you find your answer quickly so you'll be comfortable whatever your decision.<br><br>
Hugs.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks everyone for all your support. It helped to know that other people have had stuff like this happen to them as well.<br><br>
The MIL called my SIL to apologize. I guess she figured something happened by my reaction, and she felt really bad. I really wanted to be mad at everyone involved (SIL for blabbing, and MIL of SIL for not knowing better, the stupid blouse I was wearing for making me look pg) but I knew deep down that I was really mad at the miscarriage and the unfairness of it all. I feel like stomping my feet and having a tantrum some times. "NO FAIR NO FAIR NO FAIR"
 
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