Joined
·
6,472 Posts
Umm.so this is something I have gone back and forth with myself about posting about. I have a lot of friends IRL that I can talk to about this, but it's just a situation that I have such a hard time with. Here goes, this may be long:
I have a friend, we'll call her M. M is has obvious developmental and maturity issues, although she has not been diagnosed except as being "slow" when she was young. She is very stubborn and bullheaded (sorry for the blunt terms) and refuses to acknowledge that she has issues; she thinks everyone is out to get her and that we all hate her and are trying to destory her life. She is twenty-seven years old at the time, and probably has the maturity level of a fourteen year old. We (mutual friends and I) have come to the conclusion that M refuses to acknowledge her limitations because she unable to do so, that whatever immaturity she has will unfortunately not allow her to think normally.
M also has a son, B. She got pregnant at 21 years old, from a guy she dated for about two months we'll call him P. P at the time was very into a life of crime, and was denied he was the father, ext, because M had slept with another man near the time her son, B, was concieved. There has been some questions as to whether M can really understand sex at a deeper level other than "face value" if you will, and it appears she cannot. She has been raped twice as well and did not report it b/c she was afraid of repurcussions, and did not feel as if it would do any good. She couldn't understand why everyone told her to report it(this is an example of her disability).
Anyhow, so there were questions as to whether or not M would be able to care of a child, obviously. Her parents understand how she is but they are somewhat old-fashioned and weren't quite sure how to effectively deal with her as a child, and now as an adult they feel like they can't do anything really, but they voice their opinions to her. This results in a lot of yelling and screaming from M b/c she feels her parents are trying to control her; she doesn't see that they love her and are trying to help her.
M decides to keep her baby after all, but unfortunately continues to smoke throughout her pregnancy, and got very drunk at one point, when she says she didn't know she was pregnant. She makes no effort to stop smoking execpt switching to "ultra-lites", thinking that it would do some good(it won't as I'm sure we all know) but still smoked many a day and would suck twice as hard on her cigarette. M continued to guzzle coca cola all day as well, but drank Sunny Delight saying that "it provided all the calcium she needs". M could not understand why although Sunny D contains vitamins it's not exactly good for her. All she sees is: it conatins vitamins. She truly, unfortunately and sadly, is not able to understand things like that, and the Sunny D incident is just an example. (Not to get down on someone who drinks Sunny D, it's better than coca cola for sure, but it's just the fact that she couldn't understand that sugar in it almost outweights the nutrients..)
So M gives birth to P, and starts her mothering journey. She started off okay, not smoking around P, not keeping him out late, ext, but as the years wore on, she seemed to actually lose her maturity. She started dressing, literally...I hate to say it...but almost white-trashy. Like...ripped pants with her thong sticking out of it, a tank top with too loose bra, flip-flops and flannel jacket that smelled. Now, there is of course nothing wrong with wearing stuff like that around the house, but that's how she would dress ALL the time. Wouldn't bathe for days, ext. The same with her son, she let him get all smelly, spit all over himself, so bad that no one wanted to pick him up or kiss him b/c he was so smelly. It was so sad. The worst part was that when someone would try to clean him or gently try to tell her that she would do well by bathing both him and herself, she would fly off the handle, start to scream and yell that we needed to mind our own business, ext, that she bathed him enough. She truly didn't get it.
As P grows, it becomes obvious that he, too, is develpmentally delayed. P has impluse control problems, can become violent, is extremely destructive, doesn't play with his toys, simply throws them around the room, and his speech development is impaired. M has continually smoked around him since he was young, and his diet is less than ideal, mainly fast food and processed crap. M also starts to discipline him inappropriately, smacking her across the chest and back, spanking him out of nowhere, yelling and screaming at him, denying him affection. She also wouldn't change his diapers often enough or washing his clothes enough, and he would end up smelling terrible. Taking pity on her, I let her move in with me hoping that I could gently help her mend her ways and presuade her to get help for her son's delays. I couldn't have been more wrong.
As soon as M moved in with me, things started going even more downhill. Free from her parent's chastising, she felt free to behave even more like a teenager. She would stay out for long hours, with her son, would not clean up after herself or her son, and did not look for a job. Her son became increasingly violent towards my children and me, and at that time, I had recently given birth to dd#2, so this was unacceptable to me. M also began sleeping around with guys, using no protection. At this time, one of my friend spoke up to M. M flew off the handle screaming and yelling about how she was the best mom ever, how she felt I neglected my children and how I could learn a few things from her, and how that she felt everyone was out to get her and why couldn't people just leave her alone. My friend was very upset over the whole thing and threatened to call CPS on M. M took it to heart and left my house to move back in with her parents.
Since then, it's become even more heartbreaking. M has been with two guys who have beaten her son and were abusive to her, and she refused to call the police, even though one the incidents happened right in front of me, and the guy left a bruise on her son. She freaked out and screamed that I not call the police, and I warned the guy if I ever saw it happen again I was going to call the cops. Looking back, I should have called the police right away. M let her son call several guys "daddy" only to have them break up with her(these were guys who hung out with young girls, didn't have jobs, used drugs and drank, ext.) M at one point was taking her son out late, until 3 am, often to sit around downtown with gang members. At one point a fight broke out, as M told me, but she said "it's okay, b/c I turned my son away from it so he couldn't see it". Umm...okay...so just because he couldn't see the fight makes it okay that you stay out until 3am with dangerous people, keep in mind this was when her son was 3 years old.
![]()
: She would also come back and saw that her was mad b/c the cops were "harrasing her and threatening to call CPS".
At this point, a bunch of us friends decide that time has come to call CPS. We all sat down and talked about it. We had all at one point in time offered M help, tried to gently offer her other options, some of us had point blank told her that she was hurting her son, and she wanted none of it. She would refuse to talk to anyone who wanted to help her, saying how she did not need any help. We sadly decided that the only option was to call CPS. We did, and CPS did nothing. They sent a guy out to her house who told her that he wanted her son in daycare, and told her that she did have the right to spank her son. THAT'S IT!
Then, B's father, absent for four years, comes into his life. P is now married with a child, has straightened himself up, and has a good job. He apologizes, begins to pay child support, and is ready to be a father. As it comes to pass, we realize that P is a much better parent than M. Normally, I wouldn't say that, b/c of P being absent for so long, but P does not have the developmental problems that M does, and he is stable, makes a good living and adores his son. I happen to also be good friend's with P's wife, R. R loves B to death and it breaks her heart for the kind of life he has had, the things he has seen at his young age. B is now at present five years old, and ready to start kindergarten.
During these years, M has had sparatic jobs, but has gotten fired from all of them due to the way she acts and how she is, unfortunately due to her disabilities that she cannot acknowledge. Her parents know this. She is now taken to hanging out with a bunch of friends who live in a house where underage drinking goes on, as well as drug use. There was a recent fight in that house where one of the men nearly choked the other to death, and one was hit by a two-by-four. Still, M brings her son up there every weekend, because, "I know these people". I know those people two, but I also know how they can be, and it's not a situation where I would want my kids anywhere near.
It's so sad, I'm at my wits end about this. It seems like there is nothing we can do to prevent B from having a life like how he is having as long as he is with his mother. M currently lives with her parents, and I know her parents love and care for that little boy so much. He is happy with them, at home, but it's what concerns me is that way M disciplines him, the places she takes him, and the environments he is exposed to. I try to stay friendly with M b/c I am one of the only friends who has her life together that has stuck by her side. Everyone else couldn't take it and left, minus one who M reconciled with. Now, I don't hang around M all the time anymore, so I don't know what's going on, all I know is what people tell me. Despite all this, I know M loves that little boy. She does the best that she can, she really does, because I know it's all she is capable of. B loves M, he loves her, she is his mother, despite all that she puts him through. I'm just so sad over this situation, I don't know what to do. It seems so unfair to punish M for her shortcomings, yet I know those are affecting her son, so something has to be done. It seems like anytime anyone isn't watching her tooth and nail, she'll sneak off into an environment that isn't healthy for her or her son. One of the people at that house is a registered sex offender, it's a man who I know, who has never been sexually explicit to me or my children, in fact I didn't know he was a registered sex offender until recently, and his crime does not involve children. Apparently it came out of him slapping some girl's butt in high school, at least that's the version that I was told, by him, so I don't know how accurate that is. Still, this is the man that M sleeps with regularly and I'm pretty sure that she leaves her son in his care, although I don't know for sure.
P wants full custody of his son, which is the best thing we all agree, but I'm not sure if he's filed the papers yet, they don't have much money. R and P have a stable home, and R is a great mother, somewhat AP even. She's SAHM like I am and she loves her stepson and is prepared to have him full time to my understanding. In the meantime...no one really knows what to do. We have all known M for a long time since and we want nothing more than for B to stay with her but she has refused all help and up until recently refused to acknowledge that B even had some delays.
CPS has been called on her since then, and I don't know how much following up there has been. I, hate, HATE, HATE, HATE HATE HATE!!! to call CPS no anyone...if I ever lost my children I WOULD DIE! I would hate to have M go though that...especially since she doesn't understand that she has done anything wrong. She truly believes she is an excellent mother. I have never called CPS on anyone and I don't want to break apart a family and I don't want to be responsible for someone losing their child. M does provide regular meals now and does clothe B appropriately now, BTW, so she has made some steps in the right direction. But what goes around comes around and I know that I'm not aways the perfect parent also...right now I'm going through a terrible as-of-yet-undiagnosed illness that is affecting my phyiscal and my moods so I'd hate for her to find out, get vindictive and call CPS on me...or one of my neighbors to do so...I just don't know what to do. Part of me says that I should just leave it alone and let it be, and the mom part of me says that even so this child as a right to grow up with parents who are normal and behave appropriately.....I'm am just at such a loss right now.
![]()
I'm ready to cry...I don't know what if any steps I should take...
UPDATE-
Well, M ended up getting a job and doing better as far as her son was concerned due to her parents getting more involved-but now her son is having extreme behavioral problems at school. First he flooded the bathroom at school, then he was attacking other children physically, which resulted in several trips to the principal's office. Then today, he phsycially attacked a teacher, spat on her and another teacher, and threatened to pull down his pants and then attack them again. As a result, he was removed from the school for the day, and M has a meeting with school officials to discuss what the next steps are . I am hoping that the school will be able to see the situation for what it is-and that P will be informed of what happened. Right now, we are all pulling for P to try and get custody, as that seems to be the better thing to do than to get CPS involved. It seems like B does very well over at his dad's house, and we all feel like it would be best if he was there b/c he would be with a biological parent. It's such a hard situation and M doesn't make it any easier, b/c she is blaming all of this on P for "coming into my son's life and making things harder". None of us know what to do...but all of us who know M and her family very well trying to provide as much help and support as we can. I'll update more later-thanks for listening.
I have a friend, we'll call her M. M is has obvious developmental and maturity issues, although she has not been diagnosed except as being "slow" when she was young. She is very stubborn and bullheaded (sorry for the blunt terms) and refuses to acknowledge that she has issues; she thinks everyone is out to get her and that we all hate her and are trying to destory her life. She is twenty-seven years old at the time, and probably has the maturity level of a fourteen year old. We (mutual friends and I) have come to the conclusion that M refuses to acknowledge her limitations because she unable to do so, that whatever immaturity she has will unfortunately not allow her to think normally.
M also has a son, B. She got pregnant at 21 years old, from a guy she dated for about two months we'll call him P. P at the time was very into a life of crime, and was denied he was the father, ext, because M had slept with another man near the time her son, B, was concieved. There has been some questions as to whether M can really understand sex at a deeper level other than "face value" if you will, and it appears she cannot. She has been raped twice as well and did not report it b/c she was afraid of repurcussions, and did not feel as if it would do any good. She couldn't understand why everyone told her to report it(this is an example of her disability).
Anyhow, so there were questions as to whether or not M would be able to care of a child, obviously. Her parents understand how she is but they are somewhat old-fashioned and weren't quite sure how to effectively deal with her as a child, and now as an adult they feel like they can't do anything really, but they voice their opinions to her. This results in a lot of yelling and screaming from M b/c she feels her parents are trying to control her; she doesn't see that they love her and are trying to help her.
M decides to keep her baby after all, but unfortunately continues to smoke throughout her pregnancy, and got very drunk at one point, when she says she didn't know she was pregnant. She makes no effort to stop smoking execpt switching to "ultra-lites", thinking that it would do some good(it won't as I'm sure we all know) but still smoked many a day and would suck twice as hard on her cigarette. M continued to guzzle coca cola all day as well, but drank Sunny Delight saying that "it provided all the calcium she needs". M could not understand why although Sunny D contains vitamins it's not exactly good for her. All she sees is: it conatins vitamins. She truly, unfortunately and sadly, is not able to understand things like that, and the Sunny D incident is just an example. (Not to get down on someone who drinks Sunny D, it's better than coca cola for sure, but it's just the fact that she couldn't understand that sugar in it almost outweights the nutrients..)
So M gives birth to P, and starts her mothering journey. She started off okay, not smoking around P, not keeping him out late, ext, but as the years wore on, she seemed to actually lose her maturity. She started dressing, literally...I hate to say it...but almost white-trashy. Like...ripped pants with her thong sticking out of it, a tank top with too loose bra, flip-flops and flannel jacket that smelled. Now, there is of course nothing wrong with wearing stuff like that around the house, but that's how she would dress ALL the time. Wouldn't bathe for days, ext. The same with her son, she let him get all smelly, spit all over himself, so bad that no one wanted to pick him up or kiss him b/c he was so smelly. It was so sad. The worst part was that when someone would try to clean him or gently try to tell her that she would do well by bathing both him and herself, she would fly off the handle, start to scream and yell that we needed to mind our own business, ext, that she bathed him enough. She truly didn't get it.
As P grows, it becomes obvious that he, too, is develpmentally delayed. P has impluse control problems, can become violent, is extremely destructive, doesn't play with his toys, simply throws them around the room, and his speech development is impaired. M has continually smoked around him since he was young, and his diet is less than ideal, mainly fast food and processed crap. M also starts to discipline him inappropriately, smacking her across the chest and back, spanking him out of nowhere, yelling and screaming at him, denying him affection. She also wouldn't change his diapers often enough or washing his clothes enough, and he would end up smelling terrible. Taking pity on her, I let her move in with me hoping that I could gently help her mend her ways and presuade her to get help for her son's delays. I couldn't have been more wrong.
As soon as M moved in with me, things started going even more downhill. Free from her parent's chastising, she felt free to behave even more like a teenager. She would stay out for long hours, with her son, would not clean up after herself or her son, and did not look for a job. Her son became increasingly violent towards my children and me, and at that time, I had recently given birth to dd#2, so this was unacceptable to me. M also began sleeping around with guys, using no protection. At this time, one of my friend spoke up to M. M flew off the handle screaming and yelling about how she was the best mom ever, how she felt I neglected my children and how I could learn a few things from her, and how that she felt everyone was out to get her and why couldn't people just leave her alone. My friend was very upset over the whole thing and threatened to call CPS on M. M took it to heart and left my house to move back in with her parents.
Since then, it's become even more heartbreaking. M has been with two guys who have beaten her son and were abusive to her, and she refused to call the police, even though one the incidents happened right in front of me, and the guy left a bruise on her son. She freaked out and screamed that I not call the police, and I warned the guy if I ever saw it happen again I was going to call the cops. Looking back, I should have called the police right away. M let her son call several guys "daddy" only to have them break up with her(these were guys who hung out with young girls, didn't have jobs, used drugs and drank, ext.) M at one point was taking her son out late, until 3 am, often to sit around downtown with gang members. At one point a fight broke out, as M told me, but she said "it's okay, b/c I turned my son away from it so he couldn't see it". Umm...okay...so just because he couldn't see the fight makes it okay that you stay out until 3am with dangerous people, keep in mind this was when her son was 3 years old.
At this point, a bunch of us friends decide that time has come to call CPS. We all sat down and talked about it. We had all at one point in time offered M help, tried to gently offer her other options, some of us had point blank told her that she was hurting her son, and she wanted none of it. She would refuse to talk to anyone who wanted to help her, saying how she did not need any help. We sadly decided that the only option was to call CPS. We did, and CPS did nothing. They sent a guy out to her house who told her that he wanted her son in daycare, and told her that she did have the right to spank her son. THAT'S IT!
Then, B's father, absent for four years, comes into his life. P is now married with a child, has straightened himself up, and has a good job. He apologizes, begins to pay child support, and is ready to be a father. As it comes to pass, we realize that P is a much better parent than M. Normally, I wouldn't say that, b/c of P being absent for so long, but P does not have the developmental problems that M does, and he is stable, makes a good living and adores his son. I happen to also be good friend's with P's wife, R. R loves B to death and it breaks her heart for the kind of life he has had, the things he has seen at his young age. B is now at present five years old, and ready to start kindergarten.
During these years, M has had sparatic jobs, but has gotten fired from all of them due to the way she acts and how she is, unfortunately due to her disabilities that she cannot acknowledge. Her parents know this. She is now taken to hanging out with a bunch of friends who live in a house where underage drinking goes on, as well as drug use. There was a recent fight in that house where one of the men nearly choked the other to death, and one was hit by a two-by-four. Still, M brings her son up there every weekend, because, "I know these people". I know those people two, but I also know how they can be, and it's not a situation where I would want my kids anywhere near.
It's so sad, I'm at my wits end about this. It seems like there is nothing we can do to prevent B from having a life like how he is having as long as he is with his mother. M currently lives with her parents, and I know her parents love and care for that little boy so much. He is happy with them, at home, but it's what concerns me is that way M disciplines him, the places she takes him, and the environments he is exposed to. I try to stay friendly with M b/c I am one of the only friends who has her life together that has stuck by her side. Everyone else couldn't take it and left, minus one who M reconciled with. Now, I don't hang around M all the time anymore, so I don't know what's going on, all I know is what people tell me. Despite all this, I know M loves that little boy. She does the best that she can, she really does, because I know it's all she is capable of. B loves M, he loves her, she is his mother, despite all that she puts him through. I'm just so sad over this situation, I don't know what to do. It seems so unfair to punish M for her shortcomings, yet I know those are affecting her son, so something has to be done. It seems like anytime anyone isn't watching her tooth and nail, she'll sneak off into an environment that isn't healthy for her or her son. One of the people at that house is a registered sex offender, it's a man who I know, who has never been sexually explicit to me or my children, in fact I didn't know he was a registered sex offender until recently, and his crime does not involve children. Apparently it came out of him slapping some girl's butt in high school, at least that's the version that I was told, by him, so I don't know how accurate that is. Still, this is the man that M sleeps with regularly and I'm pretty sure that she leaves her son in his care, although I don't know for sure.
P wants full custody of his son, which is the best thing we all agree, but I'm not sure if he's filed the papers yet, they don't have much money. R and P have a stable home, and R is a great mother, somewhat AP even. She's SAHM like I am and she loves her stepson and is prepared to have him full time to my understanding. In the meantime...no one really knows what to do. We have all known M for a long time since and we want nothing more than for B to stay with her but she has refused all help and up until recently refused to acknowledge that B even had some delays.
CPS has been called on her since then, and I don't know how much following up there has been. I, hate, HATE, HATE, HATE HATE HATE!!! to call CPS no anyone...if I ever lost my children I WOULD DIE! I would hate to have M go though that...especially since she doesn't understand that she has done anything wrong. She truly believes she is an excellent mother. I have never called CPS on anyone and I don't want to break apart a family and I don't want to be responsible for someone losing their child. M does provide regular meals now and does clothe B appropriately now, BTW, so she has made some steps in the right direction. But what goes around comes around and I know that I'm not aways the perfect parent also...right now I'm going through a terrible as-of-yet-undiagnosed illness that is affecting my phyiscal and my moods so I'd hate for her to find out, get vindictive and call CPS on me...or one of my neighbors to do so...I just don't know what to do. Part of me says that I should just leave it alone and let it be, and the mom part of me says that even so this child as a right to grow up with parents who are normal and behave appropriately.....I'm am just at such a loss right now.
UPDATE-
Well, M ended up getting a job and doing better as far as her son was concerned due to her parents getting more involved-but now her son is having extreme behavioral problems at school. First he flooded the bathroom at school, then he was attacking other children physically, which resulted in several trips to the principal's office. Then today, he phsycially attacked a teacher, spat on her and another teacher, and threatened to pull down his pants and then attack them again. As a result, he was removed from the school for the day, and M has a meeting with school officials to discuss what the next steps are . I am hoping that the school will be able to see the situation for what it is-and that P will be informed of what happened. Right now, we are all pulling for P to try and get custody, as that seems to be the better thing to do than to get CPS involved. It seems like B does very well over at his dad's house, and we all feel like it would be best if he was there b/c he would be with a biological parent. It's such a hard situation and M doesn't make it any easier, b/c she is blaming all of this on P for "coming into my son's life and making things harder". None of us know what to do...but all of us who know M and her family very well trying to provide as much help and support as we can. I'll update more later-thanks for listening.
