Mothering Forum banner

1 - 8 of 8 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
85 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
<p>I'm wondering how you try to (and then actually) react when your toddler deliberately hurts you. (When it actually really hurts!)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I'm feeling insecure about my own reaction and my own evaluation of what's an appropriate reaction when someone physically hurts you. Calm separation? Stress that it's not allowed?</p>
<p>Because mine = yelling "OWWWWW!", storming out of the room, cleaning the wound, and then picking her up and hugging her when she came to find me. Then ignoring her while she was experimentally 'sort of' rough with me (sort of withdrawing my attention unless the patting became too rough again in which case I told her firmly that hurting me wasn't allowed and removed myself), and then paying attention to her when she was touching me gently, and telling her how much I liked being hugged, kissed gently by her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I guess I'm having trouble with the transition from the inadvertent causing of pain (like the pain of stepped-upon thrush ridden nipples - the things you never knew you'd have to deal with as a parent!) to the deliberate experimentation with fingernails and fists.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,404 Posts
<p>With mine i yell (she's 4, but occasionally revisits hurting me) in an honest way (i.e. i don't egg the pudding but i don't hide my pain either) and then immediately get up, saying "i'm not sitting with someone who's hurting me!" and stalk off.  When she approaches to apologise i let her and we make up.  If she then starts mucking about as if to do it again i tell her i don't trust her since she hurt me and looks like she's planning to do it again and walk off again.  Again, if she approaches to make up then i let her and we go on as before.</p>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,800 Posts
<p>This is a constant issue with my ds.  Usually if he actually hurt me it's a genuine and loud 'ouch!', then I will tell him 'that hurt mama' and show the sign for 'hurt' as he's really into signs right now.  If he then laughs or tries to hurt me again I get up and leave.  I will often say something like 'I'm not playing anymore, you hurt me'.  Most of his 'hurts' come from throwing things that shouldn't be thrown.  So I am also constantly reminding him not to throw.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,242 Posts
I make a pained face and sound and show him where he hurt me. Then I explain that he hurt Mama and that we need to be gentle. If he does it again I tell him that I don't like being hurt and leave the room for a few minutes. If he's really out of control or we're in a situation where I can't leave the room, I ask him if he needs help controlling his hands. That usually works to calm him down but if it doesn't, I gently take both of his hands and hold them still while I hug him or hold him, all the while explaining why I'm holding him.<br><br>
It seems to work pretty well so far but I'm sure that will change in a week or so, like everything else. <img alt="lol.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/lol.gif">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,460 Posts
<p>I have a hard time reacting calmly because, um, I'm in pain!! I think anger/storming off/withdrawing affection are evolutionarily 'normal' reactions to being physically hurt. I do try not to overreact though. Minor injuries, I just say "ow", let him know that he hurt me, and he actually kisses the boo boo or gives me a hug on his own (though I definitely encourage that response now). More painful injuries, I give myself a time-out first (hand him over to DH if he's home) and kind of ignore him for a couple minutes until I'm feeling calmer & the pain has subsided. I try not to 'withdraw affection' (though that may be the result of my time-out) -- I try to keep the focus on calming myself etc. rather than somehow 'punishing' him or teaching him a lesson through lack of affection, because I don't want him to think my love for him is conditional. I think it's kind of a hard balance to strike.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Fortunately he rarely intentionally hurts me, he generally takes redirection well right now so I'm able to prevent getting hurt!</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
130 Posts
<p>I was just coming here to post a very similar question, so these responses are helpful.  My son is just 16 months old, so it's hard to say what is "intentional."  Sometimes he will pull my hair (hard!) or pinch/grab skin in a way that really hurts.  When I react by saying something like, "ow, that hurts mommy," etc., he sometimes laughs.  I know this is normal, but it can also be frustrating.  Leaving the room worked better when he was younger, but now that he is sometimes in a different room playing anyway and he can follow me, it's less effective.  Fortunately, he doesn't hurt me very often, and it is almost always when he is tired/fighting sleep... the same times he is more likely to exhibit more destructive behaviors in general.  I think being aware of this can help, but sometimes it is difficult to react calmly.  I'd also be interested in how others have managed to curb this behavior in their toddlers.  I tell and show him "gentle," and this has worked to some degree... other suggestions?  When, on average, do they "get it"?)  Thanks!</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
560 Posts
DS has gotten better about this as he's gotten older, but every oncein awhile he will hit me intentionally. Usually he is frustrated with me for whatever reason, and he will either slap or punch my face. I will usually say "ouch! That really hurt mama!" if he apologizes (he can't say sorry, but he will hug me and kiss my owie), we just move on.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
85 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
<p>Thanks for all these are all helpful commiserations and good ideas.</p>
<p>I came back to post because just now she started grabbing at my face, pinching and scratching, and I was calm and centered enough to ask her why she was doing it (while fending off her pincers). I put her on the ground and she squeezed my leg and said 'Because I love you so googly oogly much!'.</p>
<p>Um - yeah. Almost worth the kick to the nose after naptime.</p>
<p>She's 2.5, and it did occur to me today that she went through a deliberate biting phase a year ago or so. I was frustrated then but stuck with the 'no teeth allowed. You can give me kisses instead' and then removing myself. It worked, insofar as now she knows when she halfheartedly tries it that its not allowed and I haven't been actually chomped for a while. So for those of you facing similar 1.5yr old problems, it does work sometimes.</p>
<p>And then they graduate to different kinds of abuse.</p>
<p><span><img alt="dizzy.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/dizzy.gif"></span></p>
 
1 - 8 of 8 Posts
Top