Mothering Forum banner

1 - 11 of 11 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,408 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So I’ve read UP and Scream-Free Parenting, but still not sure how to deal with 2yo. I loved SCP, and can really use the advice (for myself) but calming myself down is not going to make DS come back to me when he runs away in a grocery store or the like.<br>
I have the book ‘your two year old’ on it’s way from the library. You know how you ask them to stop doing something, yet they continue to do it?<br><br>
Examples:<br><br>
-He throws food from the highchair. I ask him not to but he continues for fun. I immediately get up and get a rag to wipe him off with, saying if you throw your food you must be done. But he still throws it, doesn’t care. He tries to throw as much food as possible before I can get to him with the rag.<br><br>
-In the car the other day, he was sticking his hand under the interior of the roof and pulling it down. I really cannot afford to have parts of my car wrecked. I asked him to stop. I could not do anything about it because I was driving. Finally just ignored him, he eventually let go of it.<br><br>
-He runs away and thinks it’s a game. Normally I would just ignore him except he does it: when we need to go somewhere, in a store, outside.<br><br>
-Hitting, pulling my hair, etc.<br><br>
-Sometimes getting him to brush his teeth is a struggle<br><br>
-struggling when I need to get him dressed (I literally have had to lay him on the floor a few times recently and gently sit on top of him to get his pants on)<br><br>
DH has the same problem with him, except instead of trying to learn the best way to deal with it he would rather ‘punish’ him (his words), use time-outs and threaten bedtime as ‘punishment’ (I told him why I did not think that was a good idea, but he doesn’t give a flying flip what I think).<br><br>
Do you have other book suggestions (ones that aren’t 500 pages long)? He is quite verbal. I almost forgot, I have the Spirited Child book but only read the first chapter or two so far. Would that have specific what-to-do advice in it? Previous threads?<br>
Thanks!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
194 Posts
I am so sorry you're having to deal with this. My DS turned 2 in August and I know their behavior can be frustrating.<br><br>
Here is what has worked for us:<br>
- We all eat meals together at the table. Our DS just transitioned to a booster instead of a highchair and seems to eat better when not restrained. He also has been better about telling us when he is finished. Once he is done, the food goes away. He can choose whether to stay at the table with us or get down.<br>
-I have no suggestions about the car issue other than to have something in the car that he likes to play with. Our kids both having steering wheels that they only use in the car. I think our son actually thinks he is driving the car.<br>
-As for the running away.....I keep him restrained. If I can tell by our morning that he is struggling with listening, I bring a stroller, use a cart, etc. His freedom is very important to me, but so is his safety. Riding in the stroller/cart is less of a struggle (for us) than chasing him in the street!<br>
- The hitting and hair pulling seem to be universal struggles if that helps at all. If he hits me or pulls my hair, I put him down or walk away from him. We got a funny board book called Arthur's Boo Boo Book and it really seemed to help him realize about being hurt. If I show my pain and ask him to be gentle to me, he often cries. I feel badly about this, but I am glad he can sympathize with me.<br>
-For teeth brushing, I set him on the counter and I brush them first. We call it EEE (for smiling big to get the front teeth) and AAAHHH (for opening wide to get all of the back teeth and inside the mouth). He has a 2 minute timer for brushing and knows that he can do it himself (very important to him right now) if I finish brushing first. If it is a struggle for me to brush, it wastes more of his 2 minutes and he has less time for fun. I think it's a natural consequence (correct me if I'm wrong) and it has been working better every day!<br>
-We have a hard time with clothes too. He chooses clothes, holds a toy, etc. and I try to give him as much independence with dressing as I can. When that fails, I use distraction or I just try to be as fast as I can. I have to assure myself that it is a phase and that he will grow out of it. But, I know it is hard.<br><br>
IMO, reading books has given me great philosophy and ideas, but not too much practical advice. The GD styles of parenting typically don't have too many rules and regulations to follow. That is an asset, but it can also be a negative when you're frustrated and looking for answers.<br><br>
Keep at it,<br>
You're doing well!<br>
Sarah*
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,890 Posts
My dd is not two yet but.... I can relate to some of the items.<br><br>
-<span style="color:#800080;">He throws food from the highchair. I ask him not to but he continues for fun. I immediately get up and get a rag to wipe him off with, saying if you throw your food you must be done. But he still throws it, doesn’t care. He tries to throw as much food as possible before I can get to him with the rag.</span><br><br>
I have a splat mat under the high chair so I don't mind the natural messy eating that comes with being a toddler. That said IF my dd intentionally throws food from the high chair to start playing with it I immediately clean up from meal time, no warnings! I don't get upset, it is just very matter of fact ---- I will say something like "Food is for eating, you can play come play with your toys or color, etc." Sometimes that means she has gotten hardly anything to eat but don't worry they make up for it at the next meal or snack time. (btw - my dd can have fruit all day long so she will often make up for it with fruit)<br><br><span style="color:#800080;">-He runs away and thinks it’s a game. Normally I would just ignore him except he does it: when we need to go somewhere, in a store, outside.</span><br><br>
This is VERY trying to me. On some deep level I *hate* that dd runs from me. I am still figuring this out but I notice it happens more if she does not get plenty of outdoor free play that day so I try to be sure she has time for excerise & BIG MOVEMENTS. Then when we are running errands dd is typically OK with being in the sling, SSC, or cart. I do keep the outing short, involve her in what I am doing, and opt to go some place kid friendly over someplace that is not --- in example I go to the farmer's market that has a petting zoo vs. the one that is close by.<br><br><span style="color:#800080;">-Sometimes getting him to brush his teeth is a struggle<br>
-struggling when I need to get him dressed (I literally have had to lay him on the floor a few times recently and gently sit on top of him to get his pants on)</span><br><br>
One of the few GD books that resonated with me was Playful Parenting and I can generally turn all power struggles into games.<br><br>
The other items with power struggles is to help him do it himself and make it fun! I does take longer so you have to not be in a rush.<br><br><br>
*** Sarah I LOVE your approach to brushing teeth!!! I plan to try that. ***
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,408 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I am trying the toothbrush thing too, thanks!<br><br>
I do know that a lot of it is an independance thing, which is fine it's just that some things are non-negotiable or we just don't have time. A lot of times lately he wants to put his own socks on. I do let him try at first, and say let me know if you need any help. Same with a lot of other stuff.<br><br>
I also do try and let him run around outside as much as possible to burn energy. It's just started to get harder to do that as it gets dark out much earlier now. In the winter I will take him to the mall, the indoor part at the zoo, etc. just to get him out and stretch. I do try and keep him busy and engaged, but it's hard when I am the one doing 90% or so of the housework, and I can't let it sit forever or it doesn't get done. So sometimes he just runs around the house while I do that, but I try not to let it happen more than a day or two in a row.<br><br>
I will see if my libary has Playful Parenting.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,890 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Ophelia</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/12360728"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I am trying the toothbrush thing too, thanks!<br><br>
I do know that a lot of it is an independance thing, which is fine it's just that some things are non-negotiable or we just don't have time. A lot of times lately he wants to put his own socks on. I do let him try at first, and say let me know if you need any help. Same with a lot of other stuff.<br><br>
I also do try and let him run around outside as much as possible to burn energy. It's just started to get harder to do that as it gets dark out much earlier now. In the winter I will take him to the mall, the indoor part at the zoo, etc. just to get him out and stretch. I do try and keep him busy and engaged, but it's hard when I am the one doing 90% or so of the housework, and I can't let it sit forever or it doesn't get done. So sometimes he just runs around the house while I do that, but I try not to let it happen more than a day or two in a row.<br><br>
I will see if my libary has Playful Parenting.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Kids really need time outside EVERYDAY if possible and they need time with us engaged in play! I relate to doing it all --- I am a single mom with no help from dd's dad. I struggle in a WAHM gig and attend school full time online all without childcare, or help with running the house. It may feel like more "work" in the beginning but if you take your son out every morning (including in the rain and snow ---- just with proper clothes on) he will let you get more done when he has down time. If outside is really not an option I have heard of mamas who put a small slide, ball pit, gymnastic equipment inside so they children have time for BIG movements.<br><br>
And one thing that has helped me is to NEVER be in a rush that only frustrates me as a mama! Allow plenty of time and realize they pick up on your energy so if you are annoyed / stressed they feed off of that!<br><br>
Really best of luck I actually came online to ask how to deal with the non-negotiable items? And if my non-negotiable standards were too much to expect. LOL!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,766 Posts
Connection Parenting is a great book and very concise. My dh read it and it's the only parenting book he's read.<br><br>
This may sound like silly advice to you, but this is what has worked wonders for me. Change the way you label your child's behavior and it will help you change your perspective on it. I used to think my dd was being defiant and that led me to want to control her behavior. That never worked for us. Is there something else you can call it that would help you to see him in a more positive light?<br><br>
Sometimes the things you think are non-negotiable at first can actually be negotiated to keep both of you happy. For me, running into a parking lot is not safe and not ok, but if ds doesn't want to hold my hand (and he never does) I can handle him walking along next to me without holding on. If he starts to bolt, I pick him up or jog next to him.<br><br>
With throwing food, have you tried asking him to help you clean up? I ask ds not to throw food or pour his drink on the table, but sometimes he still does. I tell him I need his help to clean up and sit on the floor with him as he hands me the pieces of food he picks up.<br><br>
If you ds is running away in public places, can you bring a small stroller along and sit him in it with a snack or toy when he's most likely to run? My dd used to run away from me every time we tried to leave the library. It was maddening and embarrassing. When I started bringing the stroller it was a godsend. She didn't complain if I got her in before we started to walk out. If you don't have or like strollers, maybe a carrier?<br><br>
HTH
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,010 Posts
A lot of this stuff sounds exactly like my DD - I think those are the normal challenges of the age!<br><br>
For throwing food, I think DD has a thing about having food on her plate if she doesn't want it. If I see a piece of food in her hand about to fly, I hold out my hand and ask her to give it to me. This works a lot. DD actually doesn't throw stuff that much anymore...heh heh, now she stuffs things in her milk <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"><br><br>
For brushing teeth, I say EEEE and AAAAAH too <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">. If she doesn't want to brush her teeth I say EEEE and AAAAH while brushing the rubber duck's teeth...usually DD wants in on the fun and will open up her mouth.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,615 Posts
Brushing teeth is totally a struggle. What works and what doesn't changes daily. Today I had to sing a silly brsh your teeth song. Other days, I've had to say "I think I see a monkey in there! Open up, let me get him! Where'd he go? other side!" Other days, it's no big deal at all.<br><br>
I think not making a big deal of food tossed over the high chair helped curb DD's need to do it, as well as having her help clean up.<br><br>
Putting pants on - eh, she can run around the house nakey as long as she wants, usually. But she LOVES going out, so I usually have no trouble getting her clothed in order to leave the house. Maybe try having him pick out pants (and then you pick out a shirt to go with them), or give him choices on the pants, or ask if he wants to try putting them on all by himself.<br><br>
I tell her when things are non negotiable, like holding hands in a parking lot. We do it everyday, in every parking lot, no question. I'm more negotiable on things like the grocery cart, which she HATES. But really, I think I've subconsciously been avoiding places where I need her in a cart recently because it's such a hassle. It's much easier when DH is with us to wrangle her. Or, I let her have something I normally don't let her hold/play with like the keys or my purse. Holding the wallet is very, very special to her for some reason, so sometimes I bribe her into the cart with one of those things.<br><br>
Oh, and yeah, it sounds ridiculous, but remembering that she's not being defiant but merely being a toddler or exploring her world or testing her boundaries or whatever helps me not to get so frustrated.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,408 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thank you for all your suggestions! As to the 'defiant' label, I actually don't call him that, or even think of that when the situation is happening. I only thought of it for lack of a better word for the title for this thread.<br><br>
I do try to let him be indepedent as possible, explore new things, not make a big deal out of things that are not a big deal. It's the non-negotiable stuff I have a problem with, like no hitting, brush teeth, no running away from me, etc.<br><br>
I do sort of a time-out thing but call it calming down. But it seems I have to restrain him on my lap and I don't like doing that either. I don't know if that will cause problems later.<br><br>
For throwing food, lately I have not been using his highchair tray, instead using a regular plate and pushing his chair up to the table, he still throws food.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
112 Posts
Just want to say that I am in the same situation, but my DS is almost 4. I thought 2 was some very difficult stage that magically disappears when they turn 3. Nope.<br>
I am working on avoiding power struggles, since this seems to be what is going on. I find Playfull Parenting very helpful.<br>
Good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
421 Posts
I agree with the rec for <span style="text-decoration:underline;">Playful Parenting</span>.<br><br>
Sometimes what I have to do is step away. Drop the subject for a moment and approach it differently. Putting his pants on for example...What if you took a break then came back and said "I'll know you're ready to go for a ride in the car when you put your pants on". That only works if you know he wants to go. A playful parenting approach might be for the pants to sing him a sad song about being lonely and needing a boys bum to live on. Or they could talk to him and want to eat him up, etc. I've been known to force things, like you did with the pants, and while it gets the pants on, it doesn't help the relationship. Another dressing thing...I don't know what your schedule is like, but if you are having to get up in the morning and get going somewhere, letting him sleep in his clothes for the next day might be an option.<br><br>
For me, I try to let go of what I can let go. What I can't let go of (safety reasons, or damage to property, etc.) I try new approaches. Insanity is to keep doing the same thing expecting to get different results. The harder I push, the harder DS pushes back, but if I make it a game or a race, he jumps to it!<br><br>
I'm still carrying around a ton of baggage from my childhood. If I didn't jump when the command was given, I would be punished, usually spanked. Even though what I want for my son is so different, those childhood memories come back when I get frustrated. I want him to do it NOW! That's when I really have to take a step back and calm down (time out for mommy) and when we come back to the situation from a different angle it often works.
 
1 - 11 of 11 Posts
Top