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Reconnecting with my Baby

502 Views 4 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  misseks
I wasnt sure where to put this, its an AP issue.

I need to get attached with my baby. I have my ds who is 4 and pretty tightly attached. I nursed him till he was 24m, he co sleeps, etc.

When dd2 came on the scene, I just didnt have as much to give her, because of having the other child to look after and also because of some pretty severe depression. I am still depressed but going to start treatment next week.

I have let her CIO since about 8m. It was never that "crying for hours" thing though, I never let her get hysterical-I dont like that it happens, no matter what though. I have never been able to get her to co-sleep.....I so desire to have her snuggly little body next to me at night. I was thinking about trying to teach her to cosleep in a spare queen size bed we have. I think she moves alot in her sleep though, and we have tile floors.

I still dont have alot of energy to give, but this child and I are so detached. I need some small simple things I can do to reconnect with my baby girl. I need to redevelop trust between us.

I feel like she gets second best from both dh and I. I am sure it is common with a 2nd child but how do you prevent it? We have #3 coming in Dec, how do we show all our kids that they are #1 in our eyes. They didnt choose their birth order.

I miss my baby.

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Oh goodness, I'm in tears reading your post. I know a bit of what you're feeling.

I did find cosleeping tremendously helpful for bonding with my DD (oddly, I found it more helpful than BF). So, I think you've got the right idea by trying to make that work. If the difficulty is that she needs her own space, you could start by sidecarring her crib to your bed or by putting her little crib mattress next to your mattress.

Do you babywear with her? I really felt better when I was wearing DD, even for just 20-30 minutes at a time. And it will make it easier to run around with your 4 year old.

What I REALLY wish I had done when DD was little was hire a mother's helper. Maybe a high school or college student who could come over a few hours a week and just help me around the house--maybe someone to play with your 4 year old while you get some quality time with your DD (and you'd be right there if he needed you). I guess that's what extended family used to be for, but times have really changed for most of us.

I'm sure others will have fabulous suggestions for you.
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Oh mama, what a very hard thing to feel. I would try to co-sleep, even if it's just for a few hours or for naps or whatever. And definately baby wear. Get a really comfy wrap or sling or mei tai, and wear her often. As for 'activities' involving her in YOUR life is the easiest thing to do. Reading books together, singing simple nursery rhymes. I agree that maybe a mother's helper would be a good idea. Is there anything else that is stressing you out? Sometimes when I am really stressed or overwhelmed, I notice I distance myself from dd.
We are really attached and she feels this right away and becomes more and more clingy until I realize what's going on, and take care of it, so I can focus on her. I really really believe in the power of touch. Touch her often, like if she's playing on the floor and you walk by, stroke her cheek and tell her you love her or get down and give her a hug. Take a bath together, dd loves doing that with me, and at the end of a long, stressful day, it helps both of us unwind. HTH
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In addition to the suggestions by pp, you may also want to try infant massage. After a bath, gently massage her with oils. Start with her toes and then work your way up. Sing her some songs or speak gently to her. Send her messages of love and tell her how special she is
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You can cosleep by just being in the same room together - ie baby on a small foamie on the floor.

Having a bath together can really help reconnect too. Just taking time to hold and be warm and relaxed together. And talk talk talk to your baby, sort of give a commentary: I'm getting some soap. Do you like soap? I like soapy soap on my hands, scrub scrub make some bubbles ...etc. It will help you to really be in the moment too.

I actually find the opposite - that I often feel more connected to my younger baby, maybe because I had more depression with my older and my younger was vabc - who knows.

When I have those days with dd1 I tell dh that tomorrow dd1 and I need special mommy-lydia time where we go to the park, just the two of us so that I can actually play with her, rathher than stand nearby or play back and forth between the two kids, KWIM?
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