[ecoteat]

I've been in a bit of a funk lately and I think I figured out the root of it (other than not enough sleep and wonky hormones). I've realized that as dd gains independence that I have a bit more freedom. But I just don't know what to *do* with it. I feel like I've been in a cave for 3 years and I'm coming out into a world that is very different than it was before... and I'm not sure where I fit in it--that is, the "me" that is not a mother, teacher, or wife. I'm also very aware that I have an amazing life and the reality is that I couldn't be much happier with it, but I still feel like something is missing for my own personal identity.

Did any of you feel like this? How do you rediscover yourself? I really want to get into playing violin again, but I just found out my violin is not worth the repairs it needs. I have a great network of friends, but we mamas have a hard time organizing to get together just ourselves, especially since 2 of my closest friends have newborns again. DH is very supportive in theory, but when it comes down to it, farm, household, work, and parenting tasks often take precedence over personal time. Any suggestions? What works for you?

 

[octobher]

hmmmm.... well.
I was immersed in mamaland for years and years......and one day out of the blue i realized i had fallen into a deep depression and couldn't figure out why for the life of me. That is when I realized I had tossed myself aside completely. I wasn't sure what to do about it for well, over a year. It's funny in that you'd think it would be incredibly simple to just pick up and go where you left off...but it isn't that simple. I took baby steps...I forced myself into doing things I used to enjoy even if just for 5 minutes a day. I had some guilt at times thinking I "should be doing _____" but let the thoughts go. I went back to school, I started painting and writing again, and took up a few new hobbies. I am ridiculously happier now that I have rediscovered ME. Much luck to you mama

 

[mamabeca]

Great subject - it's very hard to balance taking care of yourself, your family, your work, your house, your partner, and still find time to explore the other part of yourself! I like to write. Whever I get the chance I get over to the library or the cafe and spend some time reading (catching up, usually) or writing. It feels AWESOME when get a 3 hr. stretch. It's very hard to balance, though. I can't afford a membership to a fancy gym. So I belong to one, but it doesn't have childcare. It's open early and late, though, so when I really feel the need I get there early early or late late, when dh is still here (before 6:30am or after 8pm). Most days, IF I can get a break, I have to choose between exercise and writing or whatever else needs doing (shopping, friends, etc.). If you are into something else, l highly recommend trying to carve out one time every week that is yours. Pottery, art, exercise, photography, whatever floats your boat! It's great if you can find a friend or two who mutually enjoy doing it, but you HAVE to do this, even if it's initially on your own. If your partner is trying to be supportive, talk w/him and see if you two can't discover a time when you get some time OFF.

My other recommendation is to GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE if you can. It's just too easy to take a minute here to move the laundry, there to empty the dishwasher. LET IT GO. You have to be ok with that - and believe me, it'll be there for you when you get back lol! I often come home to a seriously trashed house, as dh is usually happy to be on duty w/the kids on the weekend for a few hrs. Sat. morning has worked out well for us. Then we do chores on Sunday. In the end, it's you that has to take care of you. Hugs, sistah!! This is a hard row to hoe, for all of us. Finding your own way is the ONLY way.

 

[St. Margaret]

Yup, I can relate. I worked out with my (very supportive) DH that I needed time to write (currently I'm revising a YA novel). It's something that's just for me. DH is convinced I can publish it down the line, but I'd write it no matter what. And it really helps me feel connected back to ME.

It ebbs and flows, the time I get/take for this, but I feel better when I do it.

 

[katiesk]

for me this means that i need mental stimulation. i love my life, it's so pleasant and happy, even with it's inevitable challenges...but it lacks stimulation. thus, i am starting a book club. i also have found huge value in continuing my job working as an advocate at a domestic violence shelter. i am very fortunate to bring my baby with me to work, but even if i were not working and getting paid, i think that some similar type of volunteering would be important to me. music is important and necessary for me to be who i am. i also play the violin! having people to talk to about things other than babies!

 

[karemore]

Great topic!! This is a struggle for me as well.

I wonder why some of us struggle with this while others don't. When DD was a newborn other moms in our group were going to the gym three nights a week, a couple of women took vacations without their child, others had time to get their nails done, yet I had days when I found my lunch uneaten and went months without getting my hair cut.

My daughter is turning 4 in a few weeks and I feel as though I'm just starting to come back into my own a bit.

I agree with the baby steps. I started by getting out to the grocery store alone when DD was a newborn. Then I would get an hour once or twice a month to go to the bookstore by myself.

It's just been in the last year that I have been going out once a month with a group of other moms. One friday night a month we meet at a local cafe for a couple of hours. Some months I have to force myself to go, but I always end up feeling recharged to have that special time to be me, and not mama.

This year I also have started attending church regularly and I joined a small group that meets twice a month. DD goes into the church child care during the small group meetings. This has been the single greatest gift to myself. Recharging spritually helps me through the every day stuff and reminds me I of all that I was, am, will be.

I do sacrifice sleep at times to get some solitude.

I have to push myself out of my comfort zone in order to rediscover myself. It was not easy to join the small group at church. They were already established and I didn't know what to expect.

Sometimes I have a babysitter for a couple hours but don't know what to do because it's been so long since I've had any free time. At first I'd run errands, but now I force myself to find something to do that is just about me, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.

Wow, sorry to ramble I don't even remember the question, but this helped me work through some of my own isssue!

 

[DaughterOfKali]

My son is 6 and I still feel that my old self is gone. I don't think I'll ever get that old me back but I'm hoping to figure out what things the 'new' me would enjoy.

But for now, I'm still in a bit of a funk.

 

[ecoteat]

Quote:

Originally Posted by katiesk for me this means that i need mental stimulation.

I think that's really important. I'm a teacher part-time, which is wonderful at helping me feel balanced, but I'm still responsible for so many other people! And lately I've been teaching things I've taught a million times before, so it's a little harder to challenge myself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by karemore I wonder why some of us struggle with this while others don't. When DD was a newborn other moms in our group were going to the gym three nights a week, a couple of women took vacations without their child, others had time to get their nails done, yet I had days when I found my lunch uneaten and went months without getting my hair cut. ... Sometimes I have a babysitter for a couple hours but don't know what to do because it's been so long since I've had any free time. At first I'd run errands, but now I force myself to find something to do that is just about me, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.

I can't even wrap my head around how some mothers get out on their own so much--especially with a newborn! Maybe they aren't connected in the same way with their children that I feel? (And I say that with no judgement whatsoever, it's just different for different families.) DH is quick to point out that I can't get out at night so easily because of the parenting choices I've made; DD has nursed to sleep ever night of her life except for the two where I just could not pass up a great event and go alone. (Our friends have a tipi and host fires in it regularly. There is a family fire every month and a Man Fire, but sadly the Woman Fires happen much less frequently.) So I'm physically tied down by our breastfeeding relationship in a way. At the same time, I think we'll be weaning in the next month or so, and I'm sad about that! UGH!

And I know what you mean about not knowing what to do with yourself when you have time to be alone. It's nice to go out and run errands and stop for tea, but it never feels like quite enough, which I think goes back to that mental stimulation thing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaughterOfKali My son is 6 and I still feel that my old self is gone. I don't think I'll ever get that old me back but I'm hoping to figure out what things the 'new' me would enjoy.

Yeah, the old me is gone too. DH pointed out that the things that I spent a lot of time working on before (environmental activism, learning about sustainability and gardening, etc.) aren't so much things I do, but are just manifested in the life we live now. This is amazing and wonderful, but I'm definitely in a different place than I was a few years ago.

The journey continues...

 

[ChampagneBlossom]

For the first 9 months or so of DS's life, he cried. And I cried. I had no time alone, and I don't mean time to grab a cup of coffee with a friend, I mean, I didn't even have time to brush my teeth. I had to hold him all the time. Then around 9 months he started being able to sleep without being attached to me. I started taking an hour or two before turning in and just doing my own thing aorund the house. Play a computer game, watch TV, listen to music, journal, take a bath, read a book, put on nail polish. I started feeling like myself again. It helped me and when DD was born I didn't "lose myself" again. There were and are a lot of demands they place on me and I don't really get to go OUT alone, but I do spend me time alone every night, even if that means I'm missing out on a little sleep. I need mental health time.

When the kids are older I really want to start doing more mentally challenging things, or volunteering, or going back to grad school, or whatever. But right now I'm being pretty unproductive in that sense; I'm a homemaker and a mom and at night I need a little break to relax and regroup.

Oh, and I also take an hour or two every morning to write. The kids go to the YMCA's child watch and I go two rooms over and take my laptop and work on a novel I've been working on for years now, since my college years. It's more of a personal fantasy world / hobby than a "novel" I really intend to finish. I'm happy re-writing the same thing over and over again. It's just a world I created for my own enjoyment and I like visiting it again and again. It's my break from the mundane.

And then I do other little things. Like, I listen to MY music in the car when we run errands, instead of the children's songs CD's my mother buys the kids. (There's a time and place for those too, obviously.) And sometimes I'll put on a Netflix DVD that *I* want to watch in the afternoon, instead of their Signing Time or whatever. Nothing really adult-themed or anything, but the point is it's something that interests me instead of always going by what the kids might want at that particular time. Maybe I sound selfish here but I think there should be a balance. I give them what they need and very often what they want; sometimes I too take what I want. I think that's healthy.