[Debstmomy]

These words are haunting me. I am regretting my choice in midwifery care & homebirth. For I know if I stayed with standardized medical care, I would not have been pregnant so long. I wonder if my going so far past due had something to do with my daughters death. Did my wanting for such a natural birth this time, have something to do with what happened? I have so much guilt. Will I ever get an answer, and is it something that I truly want to hear? I know it is what my mainstream family is thinking. I wonder if Dh partialy blames me, even when he insists he doesn't. So many unanswered questions.
I tried so hard to trust the process of birth & I feel it failed me even more so. I would have 10 medicalized inductions/c-sections to have a live baby & than to go through this hell I am now in. How I wish I had done so!!!!! The night before she died, I did tell Dh lets go get a c-sec, and he said no that is not what you want. He was supporting me. If I could only turn back time & just go. I should have listened to myself. Why? Why? Why?

Now I have empty arms. A huge sore in my heart, that permiates all through my body. I physically hurt. My DD was taken from my womb & then laid to rest in the ground. I am so sad. I could sleep forever. My kids see me weep. How does that make them feel? My daughter was taking care of my friends baby today while she delivered us food. Oh that should of been her sister she was taking care of. My kids have lost out as well. I am sad for them, they are sad for me. This is all wrong & not the way it was supposed to be. I have such a void in my life. I feel I have lost all direction & do not know which way to go. Before my pregnancy with Alexa, I was supposed to start nursing school. When I found out I was pregnant, I quit. I wanted to be the best Mom I could be. I wanted to savor every pregnant feeling. I was excited to be a full time stay at home mom to an infant. (With my older two I had to work to put Dh through school) Now that is taken from me. What do I do now??? Go back to school, look for work, stay at home. We do want to try for another baby when I physically can, probably arround our anniversary. But who really knows how long it will take to concieve. So now what do I do?

I want to also thank you Mams that have been there. Coralsmom, I read your posts & think that is me. So sad that we have to be here. I am glad it is here to. I am journaling in 3 different places & I think it helps. Thank you MDC for letting us share here. It helps.

 

[nadine]

i'm just so sorry. i don't know what to say. i'm sorry for your loss. i do not feel that you are to blame at all, but we tend to still blame ourselves. i'm sorry.

 

[Jasmyn's Mum]

Oh mama. I'm so sorry. I don't have any advice other than it's okay to feel the guilt, just don't stay there. Don't beat yourself up either. You did your very best because that's what mamas do. Big hugs to you and your family.

 

[crazymom]

Hi Cristina -- I have posted to you before, but was compelled to do so again....I don't know that you are ready for this yet, but a book that helped me after I miscarried at 7.5 weeks was a book titled "Our Children Forever" by Joel Martin and Patricia Romanowski.....it helped me grieve and understand that our children are always there watching over us....even if we can't be with them, they are with us....please try and read this sometime when you can...I wish there was something that could be said or done to help make your pain go away, but I know there is not.....my love goes out to you every day...I say a prayer for you and your family!!

 

[PortraitPixie]

You are such a good mamma. You are in my heart and prayers. I hope you can find some rest and peace in this unspeakably, unfathomabally difficult time.

Sarah

 

[laralou]

You made the choices that we all know have the greatest chance in a healthy delivery. You can't second guess the choices that you made now. You will never know what would be different had you made different choices, but you have to keep telling yourself that you made the best choices you knew to make with your dd's best interest in mind at all times. Your dd was blessed to have you as a mother during her life in your womb for you did everything you knew to do.

I wish I could make you feel better about it, but I know that you have to come to that place on your own.

 

[liseux]

You are a wonderful mama. Journaling really can help. I read today that one way to hold onto our lost children is through language.

I can relate to blaming yourself. I did that for a long time. You really did nothing wrong,its easy now to see what you might have done differently, but remember, you only wanted the best for her. You had only the very best intentions.

 

[Starr]

You did what you thought was best, thats what a mother does. There could be a million what ifs, but you'll never know how things might have turned out. She will always be in your familys heart and your children will never forget the time they got to spend holding, bathing, and dressing her. You are a great mom. I think its a great that your journaling, you might want to let your kids know its ok to do the same. Also them writing her a letter and then sending it off in a balloon. I know its hard but you will be able to help your family through this difficult time.

 

[Sleepymama]

Cristina I just found out about your loss. I am so very sorry. I remember talking to you at the LLL conference about how many midwives were there, & how they'd all be saying "pick me, pick me!"

(You probably don't know my MDC name, I am stephanie of schnooglywear)

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that it is so normal for you to feel guilty. I still feel guilty about my son's heart, even though I know absolutely nothing I did caused it. There is still that nagging feeling that won't go away. I lost a baby last fall too, not full term, but it always hurts. I can't imagine how awful it is to lose one as you did.

I remember when Karen (she is your MW too right?) asked me why I wanted a homebirth and I said that I wanted a birth with the greatest amount of choice and the greatest security. It sounds like you picked that for your birth too.

I just wanted to know if there is anything you need. I live in your town, so wanted to know if there is anything I can do to help

I remember feeling so alone after my son's birth, & after my loss. I didn't have any help except DH and don't ever want anyone to go through that. You can pm me or email steph @ schnoogly.com

 

[mely]

I'm so sorry. I have never been through what you are going through, but I think your feelings are very normal. You did what you thought was best for your baby and I pray you and your family can come together and get through this.

 

[1Plus2]

Just reading your words makes my heart ache. I can not even fathom what the pain that you are going through is like. I wish so badly that you didn't have to know what it was like either. I think that questioning your choices is a totally normal human response to something as awful as losing a child. We all would be doing it. I am a strong believer in God and I have been taught in church that he knows when we are born and when we will die. I strongly believe that no matter what choice you had made - home or hospital birth - that June 10, 2005 (I hope I have that date right) was the day that your Alexa was going to be taken to heaven. I have a brother who died when he was 16. My family often goes through the "What if we hadn't let him go out that night". I honestly believe that no matter what he had done that night, it would have been his night to go. Does that make sense? I guess what I'm trying to say (and am having a hard time putting in to words) is that you had no control over this and you should shoulder none of the blame.

Have you considered getting grief counselling? I'm sure that either your hospital or even the funeral home could direct you toward a good counselor. You really do need someone to help you talk many of these feelings and thoughts out. No amount of counselling is going to take away your pain and hurt but it will help you deal with the feelings of guilt, etc. that you are having.

I pray that God holds you close while you are making your way day-by-day through this.

 

[rn]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Debstmomy These words are haunting me. I am regretting my choice in midwifery care & homebirth. For I know if I stayed with standardized medical care, I would not have been pregnant so long. I wonder if my going so far past due had something to do with my daughters death. Did my wanting for such a natural birth this time, have something to do with what happened? I have so much guilt. Will I ever get an answer, and is it something that I truly want to hear? I know it is what my mainstream family is thinking. I wonder if Dh partialy blames me, even when he insists he doesn't. So many unanswered questions. I tried so hard to trust the process of birth & I feel it failed me even more so. I would have 10 medicalized inductions/c-sections to have a live baby & than to go through this hell I am now in. How I wish I had done so!!!!! The night before she died, I did tell Dh lets go get a c-sec, and he said no that is not what you want. He was supporting me. If I could only turn back time & just go. I should have listened to myself. Why? Why? Why?

Cristina,

I could have written what you wrote myself. My son was born by c- section on Wednesday May 11th at 43 weeks. He lived for 5 days in the NICU before we took him off the ventilator and died in my arms.
I started having very bad and nervous feelings the Friday before and I did not say anything to anyone, I thought I was just nervous. I trusted that my body and my baby would know when he was ready.
As it is when he came out, besides meconium, he (as far as I can tell) had no signs of being Post dated, his skin was beautiful (not peeling or wrinkly at all) he was very plump (9lbs 9oz) and his fingernails were not that long.
But he had aspirated a lot of meconium and suffered from massive brain damage.

I am crying as I write this to you. I know your pain and your guilt. I too would have multiple cesareans and would have done it at 37 weeks if I had known. I would do ANYTHING to turn back time and have my son back. My entire being is broken and will never be fixed. I will never be the same person I was before.

I have been learning not to consume myself with the guilt. I remind myself that I only was trying to do what I thought was best for my baby, I wanted him to have a gentle birth and entrance into this world. I know that you were only doing the same. Please try and not feel guilty for that.

I have to believe that this happened for a reason, that my Freddie and your Alexa were not meant to be with us. Freddie was supposed to have been my last baby, my last pregnancy, we only wanted 2 children. I now think I was supposed to have another, this is why my son had to go. I do want another baby so badly, not to replace my son but to complete our family. When we are ready we will try again.

But for now the pain... it hurts more that I ever imagined it could. I am amazed I am still alive and somewhat functioning. I had no idea that it was possible to be in this much pain and still breath.

But for some reason we are still here. For some reason we are supposed to endure this. Its the worst thing in the world, but this is what it is.

again, I am so sorry for you. You have been on my mind often.
love, robin

 

[patty_g]

Guilt is a normal part of the grieving process. That said, it doesn't help much to know that right now. If you had had a c-section or induction or anything else, and your DD had not stayed with you, you would have felt guilty about those choices. That's what we do as moms or even as human beings. I felt guilty for a really long time for letting my son undergo chemotherapy for his leukemia because when he passed, we knew that the leukemia he had at that time was not the same as the original and that some of the side effects of the chemotherapy was, in fact, leukemia! But I made the choices that I thought gave him the best chance at health and life. That's what you did too. Everyone is different, but I found for me the best way to get "through" the grief was to just FEEL it. Every day for as long as I could stand it (sometimes 5 minutes, sometimes more), I would go into my room or be next to someone I needed to be next to and just open the emotional floodgates. I don't mean crying or making any verbal sounds, etc, but just removing the natural "blockers" we all have that dull the pain and just let it come full force. There were days I couldn't do it for more than a minute or two and sometimes I could do it for 10 minutes but I always felt lighter afterwards. Not good at first, or even *better* but somehow "lighter", less burdened. I don't know, that's just what worked for me.

I wish I was a like a sponge and could absorb some of your pain.

 

[Stayinhom]

 

[mamabutterfly]

((((( cristina ))))) ((((( robin ))))))

 

[Debstmomy]

Thank You Mamas, for such kinds words & holding my heart gently in your hands. I does help to know that feeling guilty is normal, but it still does not take it away completly.

s to you Robin. You know my pain, as I know yours. Our stories are so similar. Just like Freddie, Alexa was covered in massive meconium, but she expired before I had my surgery. I hope that we can continue to share. PM me if you would like. For some reason, I have comfort when other Mamas share thier losses with me, I guess I do not feel so alone when they do.

I am looking for grief counseling, for Dh & myself. I am also looking for grief counseling for my children. I am blessed in IRL to have a friend that is a Child Life Specialist that works with grief. She is looking into local resources for me.

I am also glad to have MDC. It is a valuable outlet for me. I am thankful it is here.

 

[Greensleeves]

Mama, I and many others have cried for you. Please let our tears give you at least a little comfort. We can come nowhere near touching your grief, but we can put virtual arms around you.

 

[philomom]

Oh dear. I recognize the pain of what I call the "What If" game.

What if I'd skipped the seafood buffet at the beach? mercury poisoning?
What if the baby died cause I'm dying? lupus? cancer?
What if I hadn't painted? toxic fumes?
What if I'd known more?
What if I'd gone to a "real" doctor?

Blah and blah. You get the drift. Please let yourself off the hook. You are not all-powerful. You cannot see the future. You and your care did not cause the baby to die.

Many, many hugs to you. I have been there and survived.

 

[awise]

Cristina,
We feel guilt because we don't want to feel powerless. We are our children's guardians, looking to their best interests. We are supposed to be able to protect them. That's our job as parents.
Several weeks ago, we received the final autopsy report for our daughter. During our conversation with the medical examiner, he stressed there was absolutely nothing we could have done for her. Taking her to the hospital an hour earlier, a day earlier, a week earlier, would not have changed the outcome. That was a bitter pill to swallow. Even if it meant beating myself into the ground with guilt, I wanted desperately for there to have been some way my daughter could have lived.

Be gentle with yourself. You did what you thought best for Alexa.

-Angela
Olivia's mommy 10/11/04 - 01/01/05

 

[egoldber]

Cristina, I could also have written your post. I lost my baby Leah to uterine rupture in a VBAC attempt. The first words out of my mouth when the neonatalogist came to us and told us that Leah was not going to make it were "This is all my fault." And the second words, to my DH, were "Please don't hate me." I was so consumed with having a VBAC and I was consumed with guilt at first.

I spent several of the first weeks just physically sickened by the thought that if I had just scheduled an elective repeat C-section I would have my baby girl in my arms today. As the weeks have gone by, it has gotten better. I still hurt and ache for her every day. The reminders and the general sense that the world is not right without Leah in it will never go away I think. But I just try to tell myself I made the best decisions I could with the information available to me at the time. The odds were with me, but sometimes terrible things do happen. I just never thought it would happen to me and to MY baby. I am so sorry it happened to you and yours. Take care.