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727 Views 8 Replies 6 Participants Last post by  Mizelenius
Do you ever regret getting married?

I think I do. I can't really believe it. I feel like I'm living someone else's life, or at least having a bad dream. But it's not someone else and it's not a dream. It's all been MY CHOICE.

DH is a good person-- smart, helpful, and one of the most amazing fathers I've ever known. But we just don't get along. It's difficult to be wth him.

I asked him today if he was depressed. I've been depressed in the past. I don't know if he's so unhappy with me or just generally unhappy. He has no real friends here (he didn't grow up here). He's estranged from his siblings due to the one time (in Dec.) that he confronted them about something. His dad died (malpractice
) while we were engaged. He's been laid off several times within the past few yrs., though now he has a good job that he enjoys.

He seems so passionless . . .but he's been talking about piano lessons recently though, which I have been encouraging him to do. Not to keep projecting (but I will
) but I did things like that . . .try new things to pull myself out of the depression.

He told me he's not depressed and I'M the one in a bad mood.

This morning he asked which ballet classes I'm going to sign DD up for. I told him (and not in a mean way . . .at least I didn't think so) that maybe he should sign her up. He asks me EVERY DAY when I'm going to do it (I didn't say this). He got upset, saying that "Of course I can NEVER be concerned about things." (I see his "concern" as usually controling, like when he asks me repeatedly what DD has eaten . . .)

While we definitely have problems, if he could hang out with friends sometimes, I think it would help our marriage. He seems so sad and bitter, but I think he blames me for it.
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Sorry you are having a miserable time, how long have you been married?

Sometimes I regret getting married, not the kids, they are wonderful. Part of the reason I do is because I feel the burden of his crap and it can weigh you down.

"He seems so passionless"

Mine is like friends, no hobby, and he gets all down and low and SEEMS like he blames me. I do my best to have my life away from him, but he says we are all he needs, which I really do not understand.

It sounds like you want him to have his own life a bit, I tried that with mine, didn't work so I just tried to improve my own.
Good luck

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Well, you really made me stop and think. No, I don't regret getting married and I'm pleasantly surprised that I can say that. There have been times in my marriage when I've been very unhappy but I guess that is to be expected with the ebb and flow of life. My dh is a good man with much to learn, like most of us. I see him trying though and that makes all the difference.

When you approach him about possibly being depressed do you do it in an accusatory way or a caring way? Do you do it right after you've had some kind of disagreement about something or randomly when things are relatively happy? I only ask because I know from experience what a difference timing and manner make. "What's your problem? Are you depressed or something?" Doesn't come across the same way as "dh, is there something bothering you? I'd really like to talk because I'm concerned that you haven't been yourself lately." Before I bring up a possibly sensitive subject with my dh I sit and take a few breaths and ask for guidance. I try to listen with an open mind to whatever he is saying without interupting him. When he pauses I ask if there is anything else. Sometimes the first one or two rounds of stuff coming out of his mouth aren't REALLY the issue. As I ask if there is anything else and he starts talking I think he also becomes more aware of what's eating at him. Sometimes my reactions to what he says are defensive but I just bite my tongue until he's finished completely and focus on seeing it from his point of view. When he's all finished I try and summarize what he just told me back to him to make sure I understood. Then it's my turn. It works really well. Sometimes my dh just needs to know that I heard him and cared to listen. The other stuff starts to seem trivial.

As for the passionless... maybe piano will help? Is he really passionless or just not having passion for the things you have passion for? This is something my dh and I have come across as well. Example: I could honestly say my dh is passionate about fantasy football. I think it's a worthless waste of time.
But... it does make him happy and helps him zone out the way books or painting do for me. Sooo, I had to learn to see the value in his pursuits.

I hope this is helpful. My dh and I have had our times but like yours, he's a good man and a great father. I try to work on our marriage more now that we have kids than ever. My kids are watching.
Plus, I love him. It can be hard sometimes though.

Oh, another thing I try to do when I can remember is tell him something positive about himself. You know, something small like "hey, thanks for emptying the diaper bucket." Because I think sometimes he feels like I don't notice the good things he does, just the things that get on my nerves. Could that apply to your dh? Does he feel unappreciated?
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Lisa, I feel that way about the kids, too . . .I can't imagine my life without them. As far as getting s life of his own . . .hHe even says he wishes he had friends. I don't know why he doesn't. He's pretty outgoing but it seems everyone is too busy with their own lives.

artgirl, you are RIGHT ON about the timing. I had planned to talk to DH about being depressed yesterday, but he was in a (rare) good mood. I had promised myself not to talk about it after an argument, but that's exactly what happened.
When I was depressed I REALLY detested when my mom used that as a scapegoat for things, esp. when I was justified with being upset. You'd think I'd learn!

And about being passionless . . .he's actually admitted that he lacks passion. He likes baseball, which I think is great, and I have encouraged him to get back into playing softball (he feels he can't leave us but I think it would be a good investment of time!). He's going to watch a game tomorrow, too. I have made myself learn a lot about baseball, too, and bring it up as a topic of conversation. I can't say he's done the same for any of my interests, but oh well.

I have also been focused on saying "thank you" lately. . ."Oh, the kitchen looks so nice . . .thank you for doing the dishes!" and things like that (no, I don't get the thank yous but I'm not supposed to be keeping track of things like that anyway, right?).

He called me today (which is nice . . .he does call me a lot during the day just to say hi) and apologized for our fight. Not that he says he did anything wrong, just the fact that we argued. I told my mom about it . . .she says he's generally cranky in the morning anyway (we lived with her so she knows him), which I hadn't thought of. Maybe I just need to be extra careful in the morning, as that does seem to be the worst time. It can't hurt!

Thank you for giving me things to think about.
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I just want to say:

Your thought processes should be emulated.
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May May,
If only I could emulate them all the time!!
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OP - Are you me??!!

I sometimes think if I had it to do all over again I wouldn't have gotten married, but then it's too soon to tell...

My dh is also, I suspect, depressed. He won't own up to it either; he just claims I'm the one who is depressed. He also has no hobbies and no friends, despite having lived in this town his whole life. Well, actually, he has friends, he just never sees them, and every time I want us to socialize with them he makes some excuse about why he can't. They have basically become my friends, since I'm the only one who wants to get out and see them.

I'm just waiting for him to snap out of it.
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Not any more. I'm on my second marriage. My first was an emotional and financial nightmare - my ex was an emotionally abusive, manipulative, drug addict who wanted to suck everyone around him into his black pit of victimhood. I finally said enough and left.

Now, I have a normal man. He's even more introverted than I am, which is a problem, as I don't know how we're ever going to make any friends! If anything, I'm the passionless one (not really accurate - I'm passionate in my opinions, but I'm not really "into" anything). He has hobbies and interests - and a backbone. He's generous with his time and energy, and totally devoted to me, our daughter and my son from my first marriage (this is a man who became a Cub Scout leader at 25, because my son's troop needed someone).

We have all the little things...he's incapable of putting wet diapers in the diaper pail after a change (but he'll change her - and do the laundry)...he destroys the kitchen when he cooks (but he cooks!)...sometimes his sense of humour hurts me (but he also makes me smile more often than anyone else). But, I've been through an absolutely miserable marriage, and I know that the little ups and downs of normal, day-to-day life are just something to roll with.

Anyway...Sorry about the long post. I seem to be posting a lot of them and taking over threads today. I think baby-under-construction is making me tired and reflective. :LOL

Mizelenius: It sounds as though a lot of your problems may just be communications. Are you hearing things he's not saying (ie. feeling that he's being controlling) or does he think you're dismissing him when he's trying to show interest in you or the children? I could be way off base, but maybe things like asking you over and over about the ballet are just an attempt to find a base for a conversation? I don't know...can't really tell from your post if there's something really fundamentally wrong, or if the lines of communication have "just" crumbled. Good luck in working through this.
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Greaseball: Not easy, is it! I do feel DH would love to socialize though . . .he takes most opportunities to do so, but he doesn't have too many. And as far as snapping out of it, if it's really depression, that doesn't usually happen on its own, right?

Storm Bride:

know that the little ups and downs of normal, day-to-day life are just something to roll with.
ITA. However, I've learned that we're never fighting about what we think we're fighting about. For example, if I'm upset that DH didn't do the dishes like he promised, it's more about feeling like I can't trust him versus just dirty dishes. I'm not sying I SHOULD generalize like that, but I know it happens.

The same for communication. Communication is a problem for us, but I think it's for all the underlying reasons. DH and I make a lot of assumptions, take things personally, etc. If we'd both follow "The 4 Agreements" I think most of our issues would be eliminated! I really need to work on that.

My friend came over today and DH was OK, but I do notice that he sometimes seems to need my attention MORE when someone is over. I used to think he was being controling, but now I wonder if he gets nervous/anxious to prove that he's important, or rather thatt I acknowledge that he's important to me. I feel like he's always gotten the least amount of attention in his family, so maybe he is afraid of having that play out again in this family.

HMm . . .
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