[Harmony08]

What do you say when somebody (like FIL) happily and generously gives you toys that you won't ever give to your child. Especially when you feel like you have already been so clear about your preferences and when it isn't done in a critical, undermining way, but in a really sweet way.

We got some stuff for Xmas that we haven't yet had the heart to say anything about. Do you say something? Do you say thank you and let it go?

I feel like our parents feel like we have so many "rules" they just cant keep up.

 

[LadyCatherine185]

We say 'thank you' and then take it back. walmart will take back pretty much anything, even without a receipt.

 

[peainthepod]

"Thank you!"

*donates to charity*

 

[EviesMom]

I'm struggling with this right now. The one gift (compared to 8 they sent for DD) my parents sent DS for Easter is a gigantic, loud, plastic, battery-hogging ball thing. After I told them we gave him a kid-powered, metal (and some plastic) ball run for Christmas. There are so many issues involved I can't even list them all!

Anyway, since we do not celebrate Easter, and knowing my parents, I set them aside and pre-opened them today without the kids. Most of DDs are... acceptable until they break and we trash them. I guess they thought we'd let DS open his immediately since he just had one, so we couldn't let each open one immediately and set the rest aside (as they know we usually do with big gift piles.)

I will be returning it. I will not be telling them I took it back, because I don't feel like fighting with them. If they ask, I will just say "oh, it doesn't get a lot of use here, it's so big and requires so many batteries" when they ask how he likes it. I mean, the goals with such a gift are 1) Annoy me. (I grew up with them; this is absolutely what they intend.) 2) Take over our 540 square foot home with large plastic junk because they cannot stand non-cluttered spaces (seriously, the hoarding is really really bad at all my direct relatives houses). 3) Buy love with junk. 4) establish that DD is their favored and he is not; 5) Perhaps entertain DS.

I will, though, feel that I need to replace it with something for DS because there are so many gifts for DD. It was her birthday a few weeks ago though, so it may just become "late birthday presents" for her instead. Then it's just the issue that eventually DS will notice that they send him nothing for his birthday (literally, they gave him no first birthday present) and dozens for DDs birthday--6 or so for her birthday and now 8 more "Easter" ones. That I haven't figured out what to do yet.

 

[zinemama]

Yep, a big "Thank you!" and then donate. Imo, this is only problem if the giver lives close at hand and expects to see the toy being played with. That calls for a whole 'nother strategy.

 

[just_lily]

It depends. There is a difference between preferring something else, and something being really and truly unacceptable.

Like if someone gave my kid lawn darts or something. Or toy guns - I would have no problem saying something like "I am sorry, but we don't allow these types of toys in our home. But thank you for the thought."

But just because something is plastic or loud? No, I wouldn't say anything. I feel that gifts are about the giving... not about the getting.

If somebody gave you an ugly sweater, would you tell them, or would you just say thank you, put it in a closet, and donate it to charity later??

My FIL has been wanting to buy my 9mo a remote controlled helicopter since before she was born. Fortunately my MIL has been keeping him in check!

 

[Harmony08]

See the prob is they are very sensitive about their gifts. They will want to see him play with it and use it. They get irritated when they feel they wasted their money. We have a long way to go. I don't think we can go for years donating all the toys my FIL goes to the trouble of researching and online purchasing for DS. I guess I am answering my own question. Okay new question...how do you tell them nicely???

 

[alexsam]

Personally, unless the toy is harmful in some way (its violent or demeaning), we'll keep it, let him play with it, and by the time it breaks/runs out of batteries/gets lost, everyone has forgotten about it anyway (including grandparents) and I donate it.

Hey- I think a bunch of this stuff is junky waste, but whatever. It makes them happy to buy it and share it. Because its not my thing doesn't mean they can't enjoy it together. If they want to use their money on that... not my choice, but whatever... They have their OWN relationship and I have a policy of not interfering unless it relates to physical or emotional safety. I stronlgy believe in fostering my children's relationships with important people and allowing them to be what they are.

 

[mamazee]

No, because I don't want to model ungratefulness.

 

[RoseDuperre]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamazee No, because I don't want to model ungratefulness.

See, I totally get that. I do. But it's also frustrating because I feel like continuing to thank and smile reinforces that these gifts are okay, and the gift-givers then go on to waste their money on even more unacceptable gifts in the future.

For all the good intentions of expressing gratitude, I think the giver would be kinda pissed to find out that potentially years of money spent on gifts went straight to Freecycle or the Salvation Army! Had they known this, do you think they would have purchased them in the first place? I highly doubt it. They would probably be just as offended, if not MORE offended, than if the parents attempted to address the matter somehow.

I personally have very carefully & kindly worded set of "Gift Guidelines" on our baby blog. This has helped a lot.

 

[sapphire_chan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by just_lily If somebody gave you an ugly sweater, would you tell them, or would you just say thank you, put it in a closet, and donate it to charity later?? My FIL has been wanting to buy my 9mo a remote controlled helicopter since before she was born. Fortunately my MIL has been keeping him in check!

When my dad gave dh a wool shirt I teased him for months about him not wanting me to hug my husband. But also made sure to say that it was too bad wool was so scratchy for me since it was such a nice shirt.

You should buy your FIL an RC helicopter unless he's got a dozen of them already.

 

[klile]

I don't know how you'd manage to do it tactfully or if you live close enough for it to work, but if the toys are noisy or obnoxious (as opposed to dangerous or offensive), maybe you could keep some of them at the grandparents' house so that they can enjoy seeing the kids play with them there, but you don't have to deal with them at your house. (I completely understand the overwhelming clutter feeling. I struggle with feeling like I have to keep everything anyone give us, but their generosity makes keeping my house picked up impossible!)

 

[Learning_Mum]

You say thank you very much and leave it at that.

If your FIL brings it up in future. Asks how the baby liked it, you say tactfully that actually it hadn't really been played with alot, or broke quickly and how you find wood so much more durable. Or that the noise and lights scared him

A gift is not a right, and I always get really peeved when I see people here complaining that their child got something that wasn't exactly to their specifications. OP - I don't mean that this is necessarily you.