[HappilyEvrAfter]

Can I get ya'lls take on this issue?

All the people around me IRL have drastically differing opionions on whether or not it's partly my rsponsiblity to foster my kid's relationship with his father.

I am of the midset that he's the one that threw our family life away so it should be on his shoulder's to ensure his kid knows/loves him. Other people I know say that as the mother I have a responsibility to ensure he knows his father no matter what our issues are.

Sigh. I'm conflicted cause I'm clouded with despise for the man.

I'm willing to listen to both sides...what is YOUR view?

TIA...

 

[JohnnysGirl]

I don't think you have such a HUGE influence on what your ex makes of his role in this life as a father to your child. It's mostly in his court, his role in your child's life will be, largely, what he makes of it. You of course have the influence to negatively impact the setting/scene that your ex has to work on his relationship with his child, but women simply can't force their ex's to be fabulous dads, post-breakup. Unfortunately.

Just take things one day at a time, and keep your love for your child (and understanding that having a good relationship with his/her dad is absolutely the best case scenario) in mind as you make small, day-to-day decisions. You can't go wrong, then.

 

[2xy]

I'm in pretty much the same boat. My boys' dad and I were married for 11 years when he handed me a 'Dear Jane' letter and moved out.

He's in the military, so he's been gone most of the time since we split, and the majority of it has been overseas. He did bring the boys over to see him for a couple of months last year. I'm not annoyed at him for not physically visiting them; I'm annoyed that his calls have become less and less frequent. He and DS1 haven't spoken since December. DS2 emails him once in awhile and occasionally calls him, but I think he's only made contact 2 or 3 times since December, as well.

He also totally blew off Xmas and DS1's birthday in January. He told DS2 that when he sees them again, he'll take them shopping.

He didn't even call DS1 for his birthday.

He's been back in the states now for almost three months; he had told the boys at Xmas that he was going to bring them out to visit in February. Well....nothing happened and he has made no effort to plan anything with me.

The way I see it is that I can't make him be a good dad. I can only be here to pick up the pieces when he hurts my kids' feelings. And in retrospect, that was the case even when we were married. He lost interest quickly in being a dad. He likes babies and toddlers, but once they get older he can't be bothered.

I say....don't badmouth him and be supportive of the efforts he does make, but don't go out of your way to babysit his relationship with his kid. You can't control other people; you can only control your reaction to what other people do.

It is unfortunate that our kids have these deadbeats for role models.

 

[Holland73]

IMO, my ONLY responsibility towards fostering my ds' relationship with his father is to allow (reasonable) access to ds.

Their relationship has absolutely nothing to do with me... it is between the two of them. If my X chooses not to be apart of ds' life (which he is choosing), then HE will have to answer to ds... not me!

All I can do is support, love and provide guidance (when asked) for ds as he gets older and begins to delve into the very complicated, and oftentimes sad and disappointing, world of having an abstentee parent.

 

[SmoothieMom]

I don't think you should be fostering their relationship, but I don't think you should get in the way of one and let them build one.

Most importantly never speak negatively about him or put him down to his child.

All this only applies if he is not abusive or dangerous in any way and he pays his support.

Good luck! it's a hard spot to be in.

 

[Holland73]

Quote:

Originally Posted by SmoothieMom All this only applies if .... and he pays his support.

I strongly disagree with the above. Whether my X pays support or not (ftr, he does not), does not determine if I allow them to form a relationship.

Support is an adult issue and needs to be figured out between the adults.

 

[Ceinwen]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Holland73 I strongly disagree with the above. Whether my X pays support or not (ftr, he does not), does not determine if I allow them to form a relationship. Support is an adult issue and needs to be figured out between the adults.

ITA with you Holland, but I would like to say that it still totally chaps my hide!

I'm in the same boat as the other posters - I'll make sure the girls are available and ready for his visitation periods, try and be flexible around extra requests, answer the phone when he calls, dial his number for dd if she asks me to, etc.

However, I won't be calling him saying 'Sooo, what are you planning for this weekend with the girls' or what have you.

 

[lilyka]

I make sure my kids are available for visits and give them space for phone calls. I don't expect them to have a relationship with their dad forever. he is a selfish immature person who eats peoples hearts for lunch. the world revolves around him and they will see it eventually, what a horrible horrible person he is. whatever. So anyway, i won't chase him down, beg him to see them beg him to grow up whatever. I couldn't beg, force or bargin with him to be a decent man or good husband why would I think i could force him to care about the children. heck, he had no relationship with them when we were married for 15 years!!

if he wasn't in town i would keep him updated and on their lives but there is nothging I can do to make him care and kids know when dad doesn't care.

 

[Holland73]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lilyka if he wasn't in town i would keep him updated and on their lives

Personally, I refuse to even do that... unless asked.

X's wife used to email me more often than X asking for updates and photos, to which I happily responded. She hasn't lately, but I think it is mostly because their marriage is starting to go down the drain. Too bad, considering they had a child together (she had one from previous marriage and made it VERY clear to me that she wanted another one with X).

Sorry, I digress.

It is just NOT my job to keep him updated... without request or interest. It is not even that my X is an awful, nasty, obnoxious person. Honestly, I like my X as a person, he is a great guy. He is just damaged from years of abandonment and abuse from his own childhood, issues he just buried.

 

[vocalise]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Holland73 IMO, my ONLY responsibility towards fostering my ds' relationship with his father is to allow (reasonable) access to ds. Their relationship has absolutely nothing to do with me... it is between the two of them. If my X chooses not to be apart of ds' life (which he is choosing), then HE will have to answer to ds... not me!

:

My dd is only four months old, and I've already had to learn that less is more in terms of me "encouraging" a relationship. I made the mistake of trying way too hard to get her dad to be involved, and it led to a lot of unneeded stress on both our parts. The fact of the matter is that he either will or will not take responsibility for developing a healthy parenting relationship with dd, and there's not a heck of a lot I can do to influence that. What I can do is, like a PP said, provide him with reasonable access and not get in the way. I suppose he's made this easier for me by telling me that he doesn't want to talk to me about anything, including dd, other than major medical concerns and the like. It saddens me that he doesn't even want to know where she's at developmentally, whether she needs a nap, what she likes, etc., and I know it is certainly not the best for dd herself, but I'm not about to go begging him to stay in the loop. If he asks for updates in the future, I'll provide them.

So ultimately, I think it's the custodial parent's job to allow the NCP to develop as much of a relationship with the child as possible. But it's the NCP who has to do the 'developing' work, kwim?

 

[eewieew]

currently struggling with this. dd is 8 weeks old today and in the beginning, i put my feelings to the side to create this farce of a family dynamic between stbx and i. all i ended up doing is hurting myself and increasing my stress level, as he is historically unreliable.

i have since stopped calling him, stopped informing him of ped visits, milestones reached, parenting ideas. and you know what? i'm much happier now. he's missing out on so many amazing things and times that he will never get back. instead, i give my baby a happy mama that takes care of herself and who will ALWAYS be there, no matter what.

we are totally available to him should he decide that he wants to see his daughter, and he knows this. he tells me a day, i keep it clear, he never shows (example: today

.) it breaks my heart when i think about her future with him, but i will be there to pick up the pieces and nurture her through those painful times. of course, i hope he gets his head out of his ass before it comes to that, but who knows. i spent enough time making sure he did what he was supposed to while we were together.. not my problem anymore. the new girlfriend can deal with that.

i agree with pp's - my only responsibility is providing him adequate access. anything else is null and void, starting from the moment he shirked his responsibility to us.

 

[Rosehip]

Haven't read other responses, so this may be redundant.

I think the CP has a responsibility to never stand in the way of a relationship w/the NCP unless there is serious abuse or toxicity.

The NCP cannot MAKE an adult have a relationship with another person. You can encourage it , you can create a fertile environment for it (by being civil to him, not badmouthing him to the kids, making them reasonably available to him for visitation, and communicating updates to him re: the kids), but I'm willing to bet the ranch that if you weren't able to make this X engage in a satisfactory & positive marriage (applicable to people who were once together and at least attempted to "make it work"), you're not going to have any more luck now, especially since you and whatever influence you may wield are now physically distant.

Certainly in my situation, trying to "make" my X be a great, involved father would ultimately drive me to drink, and create untold resentment on his part, and probably end up harming the father/child relationship.

 

[Goodmom2008]

You are not responsible for the relationship between your child and his father. The only thing you are responsible for is not interfering with it by refusing court ordered parenting time.

I tend to ignore people who say that the CP has to walk to the ends of the earth to facilitate a relationship between the child and the other parent (and, yes, someone on a different forum actually said that). They are clueless.

 

[Storm Bride]

I'm not single, anymore, but I have been in this position (still am, really), so I'll pitch in, too.

I have no responsibility to foster a relationship between ds1 and his dad. His dad opted out. I'm more sorry than I can say (for ds1, not for me) that he did so, but he did. I could have spent a bunch of time and energy trying to force a relationship...but it wouldn't have been real. If that man can't even make the effort to make a phone call on ds1's birthday, show up for a free meal at his sister's on Christmas Eve (ds1 is invited to his aunt's every year), or anything else, all the "fostering" in the world isn't going to change anything.

I do have a responsibility to allow access if he wants it (under restrictions - my ex wasn't allowed unsupervised access) and not to badmouth him to ds1. That's for ds1's sake, not for my ex's. Its' hard enough for him to know that his dad is an irresponsible, immature, drug addicted person who has been to jail. I have no business making that worse.

 

[Theoretica]

Quote:

Originally Posted by HappilyEvrAfter Can I get ya'lls take on this issue? All the people around me IRL have drastically differing opionions on whether or not it's partly my rsponsiblity to foster my kid's relationship with his father. I am of the midset that he's the one that threw our family life away so it should be on his shoulder's to ensure his kid knows/loves him. Other people I know say that as the mother I have a responsibility to ensure he knows his father no matter what our issues are. Sigh. I'm conflicted cause I'm clouded with despise for the man. I'm willing to listen to both sides...what is YOUR view? TIA...

Well, I don't think it's your job to foster the relationship if that means doing it for him. HOWEVER it IS your job to facilitate relationship opportunities between them so that if/when he takes steps in that direction there is zero chance you've interfered. Does that make any sense?

Example:

If he calls to talk to your child, it's your job to make the child available. If your child asks to talk to him, it's your job to help the child complete that phone call or maybe email your xh and say hey, Child wants to talk to you tonight, what's a good time to call.

It's NOT your job to 'make' your xh stay in contact or visit or call. If you ask when is a good time to call, and your xh says 'never', well there ya go. But it's your job to facilitate your child's relationship with your xh (for the child's benefit) so that there is never a situation where YOU are responsible for interfering with their relationship.

One of my mantras with single/divorced parenting is this...stay above reproach. Whatever you do, do it in a way that YOU are the good guy. If he manages to ALSO be the good guy, so what. If he doesn't bother, you're still the good guy.

HTH?

 

[LittleBlessings]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Holland73 I strongly disagree with the above. Whether my X pays support or not (ftr, he does not), does not determine if I allow them to form a relationship. Support is an adult issue and needs to be figured out between the adults.

I agree.

It really bugs me when I hear moms talking about the father not wanting to see his child but the mother has made it very hard for that to happen. I have seen this over and over again.

 

[singin'intherain]

I think it's kind of patronizing for someone to think they need to act as a "go between" in someone else's relationship. If I were a NCP, even if I were unable or unwilling to be a decent parent, I'd be offended if the kids CP were continuously trying to "nudge" me into being a good parent. I would want to do it on my own terms, no matter what my skill level. Still, I have no idea how to explain why someone would let their relationship with their kids slide to last place anyway.

I wonder if there's some value in helping your ds hold up "his" end of the relationship. I've asked my kids if they want to make a picture for their grandma, for example. It's the kind of stuff they never think about doing on their own, and they love doing it. But I don't know- what if his letters and pictures are ignored- is that just setting him up to get hurt?

I must say that, through a schedule of regular visits, the good side of my ex has really shined through, and he is a much better father than he ever was when we were together. So it can happen!

 

[confustication]

For the first yar I tried to explain my ex's actions to his daughter. I was positive, and never said anything negative.... and quite honestly I was lying through my teeth.

I will not badmouth the man, but I'll be da**ed if I'm going to try to play happy go between for him when he abandoned his child. If he wants a relationship he can start unravling the nearly 5 years of absolute neglect (he hasn't spoken to her once since she was 3- she's nearing 8 now.) In fact I'm working on terminating his rights- however, this has been a LONG path and I have left the door open for him to have a relationship if he wanted to...

I think it's as damaging for people to make excuses for the absent parent as it is for a parent to abandon their kids.

 

[rocky]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Theoretica One of my mantras with single/divorced parenting is this...stay above reproach. Whatever you do, do it in a way that YOU are the good guy. If he manages to ALSO be the good guy, so what. If he doesn't bother, you're still the good guy. HTH?

I love this thank you!
This is all still new to me. Found out my H was cheating in Sept. In Nov it was ds2's 5th birthday and I knew STBXH (now living in another country) would forget (he never remembers birthdays - ever). Someone told me to call and remind him because DS would be so disappointed not to get that phone call - so I did and I feel like it was the right thing to do. Maybe some will say patronizing to STBXH but done in a nice way and DS had a happier birthday.

Quote:

It really bugs me when I hear moms talking about the father not wanting to see his child but the mother has made it very hard for that to happen. I have this over and over again.

I like this as well only because I can see that it is an easy trap to fall into and I need to keep myself from going there. It is just hard because I am still bitter.

Good advice thank you.

 

[2xy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by confustication I think it's as damaging for people to make excuses for the absent parent as it is for a parent to abandon their kids.

Me, too.

I don't badmouth my ex, but I don't sugarcoat his behavior, either.

I've told my boys that you can recognize someone for who they are and still love them. But, by recognizing their character, you'll wind up expecting less and being hurt or angry less often.