resentful about house cleaning

841 Views 17 Replies 17 Participants Last post by magemom, Jun 21, 2004

mamaduck

Discussion Starter · Jun 13, 2004

Dh doesn't really do any housework to speak of, except dishes. After years of arguing, he has finally started to wash dishes. And he usually mows the lawn. Once in awhile if I specifically ask that he please vacuum, then he'll consent and do that. But never in a million years would he notice that the house is dirty and pick up the vacuum on his own initiative.

I've come to a place where I can live with the fact that he doesn't clean. Really, I feel a sense of peace about it and I have a pretty good routine down for doing the work myself. And the kids help.

HOWEVER -- I am growing very resentful of the fact that he shows no respect for the work I do, and he lets everything "go" when I'm not around. I spend M-F working my ass off to get the house in shape, and on Sat. morning I leave a clean house and I go to work outside our home for ONE DAY, and by the time I get home -- the house is trashed. Little messes in everyroom. Furniture shoved into strange positions and cushions on the floor. Bathroom scummy and damp. Kitchen table and counters covered with dried crud. Kitchen floor with muddy footprints. Dirty laundry piled up in several locations. Full trashcans not taken out. Kids shoes everywhere. Daddy shoes everywhere. Art projects half finished that the kids were never encouraged to clean up. Sometimes grease on the carpet from Dh's projects.

So here I am on Sunday, exhausted and in need of a real break. DH is wonderful with the kids and took them out for several hours -- I'm alone and wishing I could crash with a book or a movie. But feeling just miserable at the prospect of spending hours recovering my home. If I try to talk to him about it, I get a lot of crap about how my standards are too high, and how he is doing the best he can and has to take care of the kids, and blah, blah, blah.... Sigh. He just doesn't see it I guess.

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sahli29

· #2 · Jun 13, 2004

I have this problem with dh.He might watch the kids for 15 minutes,and any messes that occur during that time are left for me to clean up.Last time 2yo ds poured out ALL the parakeet bird seed in the bedroom,and dh left it for me!

Lol,when I was living at home and my brother was leaving dirty cloths/dishes all over I used to pile them up on his bed.Sometimes I would love to do that to dh! I feel for you.Hugs!
Sara

Jessica36

· #3 · Jun 13, 2004

Oh I SO understand. I work full-time, DH and I also own his lawncare business. He doesn't work in the winter, and ALWAYS says he is going to "get this house in shape" but doesn't. Maybe try making a list of things that need to be done on saturday to jar his memory. Also, not defending as I don't know what he does, maybe he is dooing the best he can on Saturday, but should be able to help out on sundays.

HUGS

Kinipela79

· #4 · Jun 13, 2004

Quote:

Lol,when I was living at home and my brother was leaving dirty cloths/dishes all over I used to pile them up on his bed.Sometimes I would love to do that to dh!

I hate folding laundry so once I just would take the loads out of the dryer and pile it on the bed and at the end of the day told him to go to it...I ALWAYS fold his white undershirts and put them all neat in the drawer for him and I watch as he bundles them all up and shoves them in a drawer!!! He says it's nice when I do it but he doesn't care enough to do it himself!

What a dork...it's a good thing I love him so much!

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blondemama

· #5 · Jun 17, 2004

I feel for you. My husband sounds just like yours. I refuse to leave him alone with the kids anymore because of the nightmare I have to go home to. My children have adopted his attitude and also refuse to help out. We have a mommie = maid problem going on in my household. I'm not at peace about it like you are. I really dislike that I married a slob.

So, I've gotten to the I've had it point and I'm doing these two things. Everything on the floor gets shoved in the garage. Everyones stuff. Daddys and kids. Pants, shoes, socks, papers, whatever. I'm debating of leaving them there for a month and then they get donated or garbaged. And if the clothes are not in the basket, they will NOT get washed. Hubbys clothes gets shoved back in his closet and the door gets shut. When I see a dish out that person has to stop what they are doing and put it in the sink. If toys are left outside, I don't rescue them anymore, I let the dog chew on them.

I also got some lockable cabinets for the real messy stuff. My fridge and freezer are also locked. This is very necessary in my household. I have the key on my person at all times. Yes, I do feel like a warden and I do feel like a bitch but I'm so tired of being a second-class citizen and I've tried everything. Cleaning takes much less time now that I just throw it out. And I don't have to do near the laundry since my husband can't make the basket to save his life. If something causes to big a mess than that thing gets taken away for awile. (((((((hugs))))))))) and I hope that you find a method that works for you.

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ctdoula

· #6 · Jun 17, 2004

Oh yeah, I am married to your dh's long lost twin

He doesn't ever do housework. He mows the lawn, goes to the dump, that's about it. He will clean if we're having company or if I freak out on him.

I also work out of the home 2 evenings a week & am gone from 5:30-9ish. My house is always trashed even in those short hours.

My solution.... I hired someone!!!!!!!!! She comes in every other week to do the big stuff (mopping, scrubbing kitchen & baths, vacuuming everything, etc). It's $50 every other week & worth EVERY penny.

Maybe you could tell your dh to either help out or cough up the cash.

I've also had to make peace with the mess (despite my neat-nick tendancies)

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village idiot

· #7 · Jun 18, 2004

My dh leaves his and dd's messes for me to clean up when I get home too. Sometimes it's worse than others.

Can't you just take Sunday for yourself and start cleaning again on Monday? I know you would probably like to have a neat and clean house again but it sounds like you could use some me time.

cinnamonamon

· #8 · Jun 19, 2004

3

I kinda like Jessica's idea -- maybe he truly just can't handle taking care of the kids & keeping up the house. You could try to concede that point, then tell him he can help you on Sunday. Make a list: 1. pick up laundry & put it in baskets. 2. scrub crap off counters.... etc... easy stuff that he can't screw up, kwim?

Anywho...good luck -- I'm off to do some housework myself.

...

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geekgolightly

· #9 · Jun 20, 2004

What about this approach?

When you get home and notice the mess, you could say to him, "Hey, now that I'm home I can watch the kids if you want to clean up the messes from today."

If dh looks blankly at you, point out to him where to start.

AmandasMom

· #10 · Jun 20, 2004

My DH is the same way am I am beyond sick of it. He mows the lawn once a week. That's it. If I don't do everything else, it simply doesn't get done. I am past resentful about it, I now consider it a direct reflection on how he sees me. And he knows this. I complain to his mom weekly about it, she has a "talk" with him, and for a few days he actually helps out. Then it's back to acting like a f'ing kid again.

momto l&a

· #11 · Jun 20, 2004

2

Quote:

Originally Posted by blondemama
I also got some lockable cabinets for the real messy stuff. My fridge and freezer are also locked. This is very necessary in my household. I have the key on my person at all times.

You lock your fridge up?

When I leave and come back our house is usually a mess also but the girls and their Dady have so much fun together that I dont care. Daddy doesnt stress about the mess so why shoudl I?

He is extremely helpful around the house taking care of the dishwasher and whatever I ask him to do for us. He also takes very good care of me so he gets a lot of brownie points

He has asked me to do a list of things to be done or to ask him to do a certain thing so I do, nicely.

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magemom

· #12 · Jun 20, 2004

My DH does nothing unless asked point blank. I ignored it for years since I told him I would do everything while he was in school. He sorta graduated in May (he walked, but has an Incomplete) I have been trying to work on his depression. He does not see the value in a picked up house and does little to prevent a tornado from the little boys. If something needs doing he assigns the task to the big kids. I am kinda bummed- I had hoped to send them to my grandmother's with my parents for 2 weeks. (I can't travel that far) but that isn't working out.
Living with garbage doesn't seem to bother him most days. Clutter doesn't seem to bother him. It bothers me too much.

becca011906

· #13 · Jun 20, 2004

Well me dh hasn't vaccumed for prolly 1 year + or done dishes, or dusted, or bathroom or any thing to do with house work at all!!! I dont' compain to much b/c i don't work i'm a SAHM and love that and don't want it to end so i dont' ask for to much aroudn the house.... the only things i refuse to do and make him deal with is mowing the lawn about 1 time a week (if i'm lucky)... and feed the outside dog... which i end up doing 5 hour of 7 days b/c he forgets to do it when he leave for work... oh he also will take the trash berrels down the drive on trash day if i will change the trash bags inside... I refuse to let my kids expect me to pick up after them like i do him... so they help me pick up there rooms about everyother day. With dh i even have to get his dirty cloths out of the bathroom and move them into the laundry room, hang up his used towel off the floor of the bedroom, care for the dog that lives inside the house, and clear the dinner plates after dinner... those are the main things that bug me.

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phathui5

· #14 · Jun 21, 2004

My dh takes the trash out (sometimes without me asking), occasionally loads the dishwasher and makes dinner. I do the rest. I decided that it wasn't worth the stress and tension that fighting over it was causing, so I just do it. Everyone ends up happier that way.

maddysmama

· #15 · Jun 21, 2004

First, I read THE CONTINUUM CONCEPT, by Jean Liedloff. No joke, it helped me to change the way I view the housework load. My husband grew up in a dirty/messy house, so he didn't care. I grew up with a clean-freak supermom, so the mess drove me INSANE. I used to throw garbage bags full of his stuff away. After dd was born, I decided to make peace with the mess and only do what I wanted to do or felt that I could do. I stopped asking him to do anything. This drove him absolutely nuts. I think he started to feel unneeded. Also, the house really became filthy. Now I actually feel lazy sometimes, because he cleans sooo much. It's been at least 2 years like this. I rarely clean the bathroom or vacuum- he does it all the time. I'm sure this approach doesn't work for everyone, but I'm glad it worked for me. Good Luck!

hippiemom2

· #16 · Jun 21, 2004

3

Reading through this thread, I have to say it made me appreciate my dh much more. He used to be the stay-at-home dad and had to do everything when I was in the Navy and going to school (all while trying to be a bf, co-sleeping mama of 2). He never had much of a problem with helping out but his timing isn't the same as mine and I have had to back off a great deal.

As I write this, I am remembering all the dishes piled up in the kitchen.

We are out of silverware right now because the dishes have been left over the past two days. I will not jump in and just do it for him. I try the natural consequences with my children whenever possible and will do the same with dh. In the morning, I will sleep in and he will be the one to get up facing two very hungry children with no clean silverware or bowls for breakfast. He will manage.

I used to try and help him keep on a schedule but that meant that I was getting too involved in his chores. We try and split the work down the middle. I clean the bathrooms, and vacuum and mop the floors. I also pick up the stuff that gets thrown everywhere. He takes out the garbage, does the dishes and laundry, and of course helps with the children. He does a great job but is a huge procrastinator. I have found that we fight less when I can just look the other way and gently remind him that an overflowing trash can is a huge eyesore.

Hope you can find a resolution with your dh. Was his mom a woman who waited on his dad hand and foot? My father expected this of my mom and that is what she did and still continues to do. She feels it is her duty to take care of him. Now, my brother feels the same and can't understand why he can't find a chick who is down with that.

Have a great night.

Peace,
Shelbi

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Proudmomoftwinsplusone

· #17 · Jun 21, 2004

"So, I've gotten to the I've had it point and I'm doing these two things. Everything on the floor gets shoved in the garage. Everyones stuff. Daddys and kids. Pants, shoes, socks, papers, whatever. I'm debating of leaving them there for a month and then they get donated or garbaged. And if the clothes are not in the basket, they will NOT get washed. Hubbys clothes gets shoved back in his closet and the door gets shut. When I see a dish out that person has to stop what they are doing and put it in the sink. If toys are left outside, I don't rescue them anymore, I let the dog chew on them.

I also got some lockable cabinets for the real messy stuff. My fridge and freezer are also locked. This is very necessary in my household. I have the key on my person at all times. Yes, I do feel like a warden and I do feel like a bitch but I'm so tired of being a second-class citizen and I've tried everything. Cleaning takes much less time now that I just throw it out. And I don't have to do near the laundry since my husband can't make the basket to save his life. If something causes to big a mess than that thing gets taken away for awile. (((((((hugs))))))))) and I hope that you find a method that works for you."

Did I ever tell you that you're my heeerooo, you're everything that i would like to beee...

i might do this in a few years.

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magemom

· #18 · Jun 21, 2004

My DH's mom waited on him almost completely because she was so unhappy in her marraige it was something to do.

My family is doing good with summer so we shall see what happens in the fall. I do have a spot in the garage for donations, I may have to start putting things in a seperate pile next to it as like a 'warning about to be donated' spot. I hate clutter. DH is the worst and the kids follow his lead.

ok, this week I am not doing to well either....

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