[~~Mama2B~~]

DH and I have been married a little over a year. We don't have children yet but have been ttc for about 8.5 mos. My parentling views have always been a little on the gentle side, as I was abused by emotional, verbal and physical (spanking and slapping) abuse. At this point, I don't think spanking is appropriate in any situation. I also favor using natural or logical consequesnces instead of punishment. DH was severly abused by his father-- both emotionally/verbally and physically. He never wants to abuse our children in any way, but still thinks some level of corporal punishment, as a last resort is okay. He also is okay with using natural or logical consequences, but thinks punishment should be incorporated. It comes down to this- I think babies are selfish, but not bad. I think they want to please their parents and make them proud. DH thinks babies are selfish but also an even mix of good and bad. He thinks that if the children don't "fear" us they won't respect or obey us. He thinks that gentle discipline is the same as no discipline, and we've all seen kids like that. I won't have spoiled brats, but I also won't have my babies flinch everytime I raise my arm (like I did with my mom). I'm not interested in compromising here, but neither is he. Do many of your DH's come around once the children are born? Is their anyway to get him on my side?

Kristi

 

[captain crunchy]

Hmmm well, perhaps since you still have some time -- maybe you can start with the *soft sell*

. I am fortunate in that my husband has always been on the gentle side, and really was open of my "out there" ideas

...

Perhaps you could get the Unconditional Parenting DVD ...would your husband be willing to watch that? Does he like to read? Will he read in the bathroom? Leaving some books laying around in there is a (almost) guarantee he will do a bit of reading. Since he is still somewhat on the authoritative side, I would start slowly with a Dr. Sears book.

Also, open and honest discussions. I am hearing that your husband fears the proverbial "out of control" child who doesn't "respect" him. Ask your husband (in a calm, non accusatory way) how did it feel in his own life to be forced to respect out of fear? ---This doesn't just have to apply to his relationship with his family, but we have all had those bosses or teachers or collegues that we either really liked, admired, and respected --- or did what we had to do to just make it through the day --- how does he want his future child to view him?

I know in my own experience the people whom I have respected the most were the ones who showed me mutual respect. The people who didn't abuse or manipulate their positions or my attachment to them to make me do what they wanted. The people who were flexible, who were willing to work with me instead of against me. The people who chose to see the best in me and who expected that I would do well because they believed I was capable, smart, good intentioned. The people who I have and do respect the most are ones who recognize that no one is perfect and who did not try to control me, but tried to help me control myself in a gentle, loving way. The ones who listened to me, and talked to me, and provided me with information. The people who I have respected the most in my life have been people who have not punished me for my missteps, but have reached out a hand to help me up and brush me off while helping me with solutions to my issues.

Those kind of people are the ones I wanted to respect, the ones I actively chose to respect, to honor, to show the *me* they always believed I was anyway.

No one deserves to be hit. No one.

Welcome to the forum, and I do hope you stick around and read and learn some more.

 

[mama2myangelWill]

I think it's so wise and wonderful of you both to be exploring what type of parents you would like to be before you have children!!! So many people just "fall" into old patterns and I applaud you both for wanting to break the cycle of violence/pain in your family.

There are so many wonderful resources to learn about gentle parenting, but one of the basics would be attachment parenting books. Start with those and you will both learn about the basic needs that all children have at birth and why. If you can both agree that they make sense to you and fit your feelings of wanting a different life for your children, then it will naturally lead you to search out continued gentle parenting techniques beyond babyhood.

I grew up in an extremely authoritarian environment that did involve some emotional abuse and spanking. I can honestly say that I still resent my parents today for their choices as they decided with my siblings not to parent them in the same manner. I am still afraid of my dad to an extent and this prevents any kind of meaningful, close relationship. My oldest child is 5 and I'm in the midst of dealing with some of my own painful childhood issues in order to continue my goal of gently parenting him - it does get harder as they get older...... I have been AP'ing my kids since birth and believe it is the only way to truly nurture a childs security, but it is much harder to continue this type of parenting as we start to experience their breaking free of us and growing up.

Sorry for the long post! I must also say this - you can have "ideas" about how you want to do things and have formed opinions based on how you think other children are, but EVERYTHING changes when you actually have that child in your arms and parenting is for real. I believe none of us want to raise "brats" and if we see children like that, we are quick to judge. Children are these amazing, complex little beings and require lots of understanding and discovery!

 

[Korimomto2]

My dh grew up in a very similar situation and also felt as your dh does before we had kiddos. He is slowly but surely coming around. Now he agrees that all hitting is wrong, but is still obsessed with time-outs. We're working on it.

I'd try (can't remember the author) Positive Discipline. My dh kinda likes that one as it offers some info about logical consequences which he really buys into. (better than yelling and shame, right?)