[chiromama]

This is a long long long story. I'll post it in three parts to make it easier to read. Part one – Labor<br>
My water broke on saturday. Contraction came and went, only when lying down. Getting up would stop them completely. This went on till Monday morning when my MW and I decided it was time to pull out the big guns. Acupuncture, castor oil, cohosh, all of it.<br><br>
After the castor oil shake, I pooped everything I'd eaten in... oh say 47 years. My poor anus felt like it was shooting acid. But I didn't feel horrible, and I didnt' throw up (yet - that came later). Within an hour of drinking the shake ( that only had 2 oz of castor oil, not the recommended 4, thank god!) and acupuncture, contractions came on fast and furious. We skipped the 6-5-4 minutes apart and went straight to 3 mins apart.<br><br>
Over the next hour our birth team (whom I owe everything to) assembled. Lyn had been at the house giving me a little massage before I started contracting, so she stayed. Jackie, the best doula in the whole wide universe was also there. Our MW came back along with her assistant, and soon after I got in the tub.Much later Amy arrived to take pictures. I am so glad we had someone take so many pictures. Otherwise, i dont' know how I'd have good memories of the birth. Although seeing them makes me weep, I am so glad we have it documented.<br>
I loved the tub during labor. LOVED IT. We had our birth mix playing, and sometimes I'd sing through the contractions. Ryan and I would sometimes just stare at eachother through them, and cry. I have never felt so connected to another human being in my entire life, than I did to him during those moments. We were so intune. it was truly beautiful. I'm not saying it didn't hurt, but it wasn't horrific. I was in pain, but it seemed managable. I never once asked for drugs, and although I know more than once I said "ok I'm done now" or "I want this to end", I dont' remember feeling helpless, or like I really couldn't go on. I know everyone says to their spouse at some point during labor that it's 'all their fault' and all that crap. I never once felt any anger or anything towards Ryan. More so, I felt so much love for him for giving me the opportunity, for being my partner in this journey and for helping me make it happen.<br><br>
At some point, my MW checked me and I was 5 cm dilated. HOLY HELL that hurt. I only agreed to one more check, and that was before pushing. I remember yelling and crying and telling her she was hurting me. Apparently (Ellie told me later) that the baby was low, and my cervix, although dilating like a superstar was behind, so she pulled it forward. Mmmm. that was fun. I believe I called her a fucking dominatrix. We were all surprised and happy that I was already at 5. I remember Ellie saying that the baby was so low I wouldn't have to push for a long time. Oh how we all wish she'd never said that.<br>
Several hours later, she checked again, and I was complete (there may be more in there, like I THINK there was a bit of a lip that they wanted to pull out of the way, but I'm not sure). This was at about 9:30 at night.<br>
I hated pushing in the water. Hated it. I hated being on all fours. I hated squating. I hated the birth stool. The only position (which I was not interested in trying at first) was on my back with people holding my legs up. Funny, eh? So we began pushing. I also know so many people say that pushing feels good. Eh.. not so much. I felt vulnerable. Like I was going to burst open.Not a good feeling.<br>
More of the same.<br>
For hours.<br>
I tried eating. Mmmm strawberry barf. Then bile barf. mmmmmm bile.<br>
More of the same.<br>
I vaguely remember any of it. Eventually I was so tired, I would lie on my side, on the bed between contractions, either focusing on the music or completely crashed out. Then, as soon as I felt a contraction, I'd roll on my back and shout "i need to push" and whomever was lying next to me on the bed or on the floor next to the bed would grab my legs and i'd push. Some contractions i'd get three pushes in sometimes 4. None of them were really doing much at this point. People were crashed out all over the house, taking shifts helping me push. I was oblivious. Morning came.<br>
At this point Ellie tells me that the baby just isn't decending. She tells me that we need to make some decisions. Her plan is to try and get some food in me, and some IV fluids. Some Oxygen to wake up my uterus. Molly is called back for more acupuncture. I take more herbal tincture (don't ask what, i have no clue). For a moment, the contractions are stronger, and closer together, and i try and try to push. i push like an animal. The baby moves a bit with each push, but goes right back up. No progress. I have been pushing for 13 hours.. An hour later, we decide that the only thing to do is transfer. Everyone cries.<br><br>
Bags are packed, and we leave for the hospital. Now that I know the contractions aren't doing anything, they become unbearable. For the first time, more than anything, I want drugs. I just want it all to stop.<br><br>
I feel like a failure.

 

[chiromama]

Part two – Delivery<br>
This will be the bad bad bad part. I use the word delivery because that's what it was. I did not get to birth my baby. She was delivered. She was not caught by her father, or by our amazing midwife. She was delivered by a man I'd never met before this day. This is not what I wanted.<br><br><br>
The entire drive to the hospital was sheer hell. I needed to pee, and couldn't because the baby was so low and pressing on my urethra. I had a few contractions and we were on what seemed like bumpy windy roads. Ellie met us at the front door, and while Amy parked the car, we headed up to L&D. She had called ahead, and had learned that under no circumstances would we transfer to the midwives care. We were going straight to a perinatologist.<br><br>
Let me say, that not ONCE during this entire time, had I had a fever, elevated blood pressure and the baby's heartrate was NEVER bad.<br><br>
We're ushered into a room incredibly quickly, where the nurse hears that i can't pee and within 3 mins I'm cathaterized. OH GOD THE RELIEF. For this I am beyond thankful. The contractions are still unbearable, as I know it's just a miserable waste of time.<br><br>
Peri #1 Dr. D arrives, and takes stock of the situation. The first words he says to me are "I know this isn't where you want to be. I know this is not your ideal birth, we're going to try and make this as comfortable as possible". I'm thankful for his words, although I'm sure they were just words, I'm sure in his head he thought I was an idiot, and that Ellie was an awful woman for letting me labor/push so long and for having my water broken for so long. He never acted like it, but I'm sure he thought it.<br>
He sees I'm in considerable pain. We talk pain relief. He says he wants to check me, to see where the baby is, but won't do it till I've had some pain relief. I'm thankful for this also. The choice for an IV or shot really aren't given. He tells me an epidural will be the best thing, just in case we need to go to surgery. He says he wants to check the baby's position, and if birth is emminent, then i'll continue pushing, but if not, we'll go directly to the OR. This sounds to me like "You are having a c-section, get ready to rumble". Honestly I knew the moment I walked out of the house that I'd be having a section. And my heart was already broken, he just put the final nail inthe coffin.<br>
The anesthesiologist arrives. He is the nicest man in the world. He too tells me that he knows I dont' want to be there, and he's going to try and make it the best situation he can for me. He explains how the epidural works, and how things might go down if we go to surgery. When he tells me that they will take the baby out to a warmer, and then bring him/her to ryan, I say 'I won't see my baby?' This is where I cry in front of a complete stranger. he was very sweet and gentle and tells me that the baby will be given to Ryan within minutes. I cry. During the epidural he tells me I have beautiful tattoos. This really stands out for me for some reason. The proceedure is painless, and relief is quick. Within two contractions, I don't feel anything.<br>
Dr. D comes back with his resident Dr. H (a young woman whom we end up liking). One of them checks me, and tells me that the baby is stuck (oh hello, fucking news flash!) and that we're going to the OR. I am wheeled out immediately. Ryan and Amy are allowed to come in and she is allowed to take pictures, but not of the surgery. THANK GOD. I have no desire to see that, thank you very much. They are given their outfits, and will meet me in the OR once things are about to happen.<br>
It's very bright, and I'm cold and afraid. There are strangers all around me busy as little bees. I'm numbed from the nipples down. My left leg keeps fallling off the table.<br>
Ryan comes in and sits by my head. Amy is on the other side of me. I tell Ryan I'm afraid, and he begins to cry. I feel like I've let him down.<br>
They tell me that there will be some pressure. This is an understatement. They tell me that they are going to make the incision now. It all happens very very fast. They tell me that since she is stuck, that someone will be putting their hand in vaginally to push her back up. This is also an understatement.<br><br>
"Pressure" and "tugging" are not what I felt. I don't have words for it.The only way I can describe it is that you're blind and paralyzed and wild savage dogs are ripping you to pieces, while you're being raped. It was horrific. This too is an understatement.<br><br>
She is delivered. Ryan is off with her, and I vaguely remember him pulling his mask down to tell me "a girl". Amy is taking pictures. I am losing my shit. I dont' know if I started panicking during her deliver, or after they started pulling my organs out to put me back together, but I had the mother of all panic attacks. If I could have gotten up and run out of there I would have. I started vomiting. The lovely anesthesiologist wiped my barf, and tried to calm me down. I couldn't breathe. I shouted more than once at the surgeons, "stop it you're fucking killing me!" I told the anesthesiologist that he had to get me out of there, that the room was making me crazy. He gently tried to convince me that I should let them finish. I thought it would never end. He tries to give me some gas to calm me down, but the feeling of something on my face is unbearable. Ryan brings the baby over to me, yet I'm so freaked out i can't focus. The anesthesiologist asks me if I'd like something to take the edge off. I say "yes. please. now". It's the last thing I remember.

 

[chiromama]

Part three – Recovery<br><br>
Now we'll pick up in the recovery room.<br><br><br>
I wake up shaking uncontrollably. I vaguely remember that everyone is there, the MW Ellie and Betsy, Jackie, Amy, Ryan, Ruby. I can't stop shaking. I'm confused and frightened. Ryan calls my mom. I apparently speak to her, although i don't remember it now. He calls his mom. I dont' talk to her, as I'm shaking so hard, I can't hold the phone. Ruby is passed from loving arm to loving arm. I can't hold her because I can't stop shaking. I am confused and disconnected.<br><br>
This is all hazy.<br><br>
Eventually I'm moved to the room I'll spend the next several days in. I'm transfered to the bed. Covered with warm blankets because i'm shaking so hard. Drs, nurses come and go. They speak to us. tell us it went well. Friends come and go. My parents arrive, and leave. I am crying off and on.<br><br>
Some of the nurses are nice. Some of them are wretched banshees. The first night passes in sheer misery. The drugs make me so disoriented, that I can't focus on anything. I hardly take any meds the following day, after my epidural is removed. They offer my oxycodone up to 20 mg every 3-4 hours. I think I take 2 5 mg tabs the entire day. Once the bladder cath is out I pee like it's no tomorrow. i'm very shaky on my feet.<br><br>
I cry a lot and often. Ruby is beautiful. Ryan is amazing. She sleeps with him when she's not nursing or sleeping on me. (this is against hospital policy, but who cares. their policy can eat my ass).<br><br>
The Docs are freaked out that I have an elevated heart rate. Um... ANXIETY ANYONE? It's obvious that they have no idea of the mind body connection. Of course my heart rate is high. All other vitals are perfect, although they keep insisting that I have a possible infection because my temp is 99. I'm pumped full of antibiotics that have a risk of damaging my kidneys. Mmm Thanks.<br><br>
They day after the surgery, Ryan runs home to grab more diapers and a few other provisions. I am alone for hours. This proves to be a big mistake. While he is gone, I'm visited by what seems like someone from each department in the hospital. Nonstop. They all have a job to do, but I want to be alone with my baby and sleep, for f's sake. The final straw is two social workers come to discuss PPD with me. They ask me about my support network, and I explain that not only do we have an amazing midwife and doula, but we also have family, friends, and all of my colleagues in the healing community who will gather around me in this time. They dont' seem to hear this, and seem to insist that I'm going to have PPD. This does wonders for my current mood. Depressed? hell yeah I'm going to be depressed. I just had an extremely traumatic event, and have to grieve not getting our dream birth.Does this mean I'll have PPD? no. I'll probably have appropriate situational sadness. Why are people so rushed to diagnose you, and label you? Why would it be wrong for me to be sad? Why do they feel the need to shove their agenda on me. I have so many people to support me, go away and leave me along you fucking strange men. I have more women that will flock to my side, than you could ever imagine. I have a husband that is more attentive, and more loving and more supportive than any in the whole world. I have friends who have walked this path, losing their dream birth, and ending up in a c-section, Trust me, y ou a-holes, I have support.<br><br><br>
Everyday seems easier and harder in different ways. I am tired of being in a hospital bed, tired of being annoyed by hospital staff, tired of the IV in my hand, tired of the crap food, and the bad air. I want to go home. I WANT TO GO HOME.<br><br>
Amy comes to visit and brings birth pictures. She made a slideshow of the entire process. Showing every postion I labored in, pushed in, all the things we did to try and make it happen. She shows Ruby being held by ryan for the first time in the OR. Then there is a picture of me in the recovery room holding Ruby for the first time. I have no recollection of this. This breaks my heart. I don't remember meeting my daughter for the first time. THIS BREAKS MY HEART IN TWO.<br><br>
Friends come and go. we talk about the birth, I know that I'll feel better when I get home. Dr. H comes on day three, and i ask to go home. She says she thinks I can, but then once she talks to Dr. D, (aka Dr.way too conservative for me) She says they want to keep me one more day, even tho i'm off of all antibiotics, and am in perfect health, but if I want to leave that she can facilitate it. (of course this means I'm leaving AMA) I tell her I need to go home. I know I'll eat better, sleep better and heal better at home. I KNOW Ruby will do better at home, where she belongs. We prepare to go home. I feel like I may come back to life soon.<br><br>
The ride home is uncomfortable, but not bad. Ruby cries a bit at first in the carseat, then falls fast asleep. For this I am so thankful. I couldn't stand tosee her miserable if I could help it at this point. We get home and I slowly make my way inside, while Ryan brings Ruby in. I try to nurse her, but she's twitchy. Ryan finishes unloading the car, and then takes her from me to give her a tour of the house. I sit on the rocking chair and stare at the wall. It seems quiet upstairs, so I slowly make my way up the stairs to see what they are doing.<br>
Each step ascending is like a knife in my heart. I just cry and cry. The bathroom which used to be my sanctuary feels like a betrayal. Ryan and Ruby are stretched out on the bed, she's sleeping. He comes across the room to me, and takes me in his arms. We both begin to sob. i apologize over and over, and he tells me it's not my fault. I know he is as broken hearted as I am. We look in eachothers eyes, and know that we'll be ok.<br><br>
From the bed, Ruby makes a little squawking noise. We crawl into the bed and stare at her. We cry. The healing begins.<br><br>
Nothing worth having comes easy. Nothing.

 

[mothragirl]

that story made me weep! your family is so beautiful. i love the pic of your husband working with babe in sling. ruby is a wonderful name!

 

[sarah_bella1050]

Oh sweetie I'm so sorry that you had such a hard time! I remember the worst parts of my delivery with my dd was the post partum time in the hospital. They can be so inconsiderate there, waking you up, asking question, pumping everybody full of antibiotics "just in case". I had anxiety and tremors after my dds birth from sheer exhaustion! I feel for you and I just wanted to give you a big <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">.

 

[Yin Yang]

OMG, your story is heartbreaking! I am so sorry for your loss. It made me cry, Your story made me feel your pain.<br>
Nevertheless you have very beautiful family!! Yuor DD is absolutelly gorgeous.<br>
Wishing you fast recovery mama and fast healing <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">

 

[Kimcarrots]

Oh honey big hugs to you and Ryan and Ruby <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
You are right, no one can take your feeling and wrap them up in a diagnosis package...they are yours...and you (and Ryan) will make your way with all of them....you have Ryan, your family, your friends, and Ruby-who really will help you heal. You have started healing honey since you are owning your process....wonderful wishes and many kisses to you.....keep telling us about it...talking (writing) really does help...tell everyone who will listen...I know I'll be listening.<br><br>
Gosh I wish I lived in PDX so I could bring you food!<br><br>
Kisses,<br>
Kimberly

 

[DoulaClara]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Beautiful baby, and your story was very deeply descriptive- I'm in tears. Healthy healing to you, mom!

 

[Sepia]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">2<br><br>
wishing you peace as you heal from this experience.<br>
Your daughter is beautiful.

 

[mama_at_home]

I am so sorry for your traumatic birth! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> Thank you so much for sharing. As hard as it was, all that natural labor was so good for Ruby, even if it did end in a c-section. She is beautiful.

 

[wtchyhlr]

Oh Korin, I'm so sorry for the loss of your dreamed of birth. Know that you have within you the ability to heal your heart, and that you have around you a support of other moms who will help.

 

[beemama]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"><br>
Your daughter is an absolute miracle, and you are one amazing woman.<br>
You're truly an inspiration.<br><br>
It seems like such a healthy step to type all of this out & describe it with such amazing detail, to help you process & start moving away from the traumatic episode that ended w/an absolute blessing. A healthy baby girl! I've cried several times just seeing her beautiful face... and knowing what you've been through, every step you've had to take.<br><br>
I know the sadness will linger on, & will be re-visited (I have a sad birth story, too)... thank gods for your support network! Here & IRL. Lean on us!<br><br>
Many blessings to you & your family, new mama! Many Blessings! Kelly

 

[orangefoot]

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that to meet little Ruby, I know that is not the way you had hoped.<br><br>
Wishing you all peace and happiness for the future.

 

[TurboClaudia]

korin, thank you for sharing the story of your beautiful ruby's arrival in our world. it makes me sad and scared to read it, but it also makes me realize that you are a strong woman and should the need arise, i will strive to be strong like you. your labor and delivery and a dear friend's very similar story exactly a week later have been weighing heavily in mind the past few days.<br><br>
i am so happy that ruby is bringing you the joy you hoped for, even though her arrival was not the dream birth you desired. and please know that i am thinking of you... a lot!... and wishing you the easiest healing of your body, mind and soul.<br><br>
with love,<br>
claudia

 

[WindsorON_Mom]

she is the cutest polkadot boritto I've ever seen<br><br>
i know the pain of your birth, I was there 2x's<br><br>
the healing will come, slowly but surly<br><br>
hugs to you

 

[ryansmom02]

Hug to you and Ryan... You are right she was worth the wait...

 

[HaveWool~Will Felt]

It is amazing to me that Ruby is 12 days old, already. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
It is also amazing to me that 12 days ago we were together (what a blessing, thank you) riding the waves of labor...and birth.<br>
Know that I love you deeply and have a permanent place in ym heart for you, Ryan and Ruby. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br><br>
And yes, Like others have said...Ruby is beautiful....I fall in love with her more and more each time I see her and get to love on her.

 

[annarosa]

hugs to you mamma<br>
thanks for posting such a traumatic story - congratulations on your lovely girl and ...........healthy healing

 

[Lucysmama]

Sweetie - your birth was like both of mine with my two kids combined into one - really. I so feel for you right now - the days of labor, the castor oil, the c-section, the vomiting in surgery, getting knocked out, not remembering meeting your child. Oh mama - I have been thru all of that. (((hugs)))<br><br>
Love and peace and healing to you, physically and emotionally. It will be a hard road - it seems like you have a great support system though.<br><br>
Congrats to you and Ryan on your beautiful Ruby.

 

[boobyfeeder]

I'm just speechless. Your story made me bawl uncontrollably. It was so filled with emotion. I wish you peace in your journey toward healing. Thank you for sharing.