S/O A girl hit my 6th gr. dd at school today.

I can't tell by your description. Was the elbowing intentional? Things do happen during playground play that are upsetting and even injurious but not intentional. If that is the case, then I think you just need to let it go.

For the rest of it, it is a tough situation. Can you tell if your DD is trying to prove to the other children she can tough it out, to you, or to herself? If to herself, then I would probably support her in that. If to you, then you might want to have a serious conversation about alternatives and how you wouldn't be upset if she chooses them. If to the other kids, that I understand. BTDT at about that age. It was important that I prove myself "stronger" than the bullies. Mostly for myself but also as a way to get them to back down without resorting to being equally violent. DIdn't work as well as I had hoped, but it was a good thing to try.

What has the teacher said/done? You say you like her, but it doesn't seem like she is effective. What has the principal done/said? Seems like he or she needs to be much more involved in the situation then so far. Even he or she can't keep your child safe, then escalate up the chain. Bullying is generally considered a very serious issue now, so you have current trends on your side. You should be able to get everyone's attention and demand they keep your child safe.

I am so sorry! I have been where you are.

I do not have any real advice - as I do not think there is a one-size fits all answer.

Kathy

That really stinks. I hope you are able to work this out, for your dd's sake.
I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you, just wanted to send you and your dd a hug.

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Yeah, I need to better explain....

Then hit to the head was very intentional. As the evening has gone on, more details haqve come out...another girl also stomped hard TWICE on dd's legs!! The deal is...dd and her one friend were in what is called the "platform"-it is the little place at the top of the slide-sheltered from the elements. The group of girls came over and told ddand friend to get out, as that was their hangout. Dd refused,saying she was there first, and had every right to be there. The girls basically bullied their way up there, yelling at dd and friend. When dd wouldn't back down, one of the girls took her elbow to dd's head, and another girl stomped on dd's legs! DD's friend then went to tell the teacher at the point.

About dd's teacher....for whatever(infuriating) reason, dd and friend never told her. When I questioned dd, she said she thought it was enough to talk to the principal. I asked her if she was satisfied with the principals response, and she said no. As for her teacher, she is a great teacher, in that she is fun, relates well to the kids, makes learning fun, and is very energetic. I have assumed all year, that all of the emails I have sent, have been forwarded to the principal, and the dc have been disciplined. This I will find out in the AM.

As for dd needing to "prove" herself....it is to the kids in her class. Coming from a hs setting, evidently, she was heavily teased at the start of school, about not being able to handle school. Crazy!!!

All year, I have coached dd in standing up for herself or walking away from the bullying. Dh is now poed, as he thinks we needed to let her know that she CAN defend herself in a situation like today.We don't condone violence-but self-defense? Absolutely.

I hope I clarified things a bit more....gotta run.

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(((Thank you!!!)))

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(((Thank you!!!)))

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Thank you, for saying this!

This is exactly how things are heading. I told her, that she is to go directly to the two girls who violated her, and tell them in a VERY firm voice, that they are to NEVER,EVER touch her again, or they will be VERY sorry.The thing is, dd holds herself to a very high moral standard-much higher than I hold myself-honestly!!! We've had to GIVE AHER PERMISSION, to basically tell these girls off tom orrow!! She understands, that these girls will continue to bully her for the rest of the year-and backing down will get her nowhere. Even though my mamabear wants to keep her home....I am trying to LISTEN to her, and help empower her as much as I am able.

This is soooo hard!!!!

It sounds like you did a fantastic job raising her. No matter what, another person acting like an ass hat (sorry for the language ~ only situation where I'll use that. If you're too offended, think of a canium warming device on a donkey) should not push another person away from their goals. Your daughter is right in one sense - if she leaves, they won.

As far as writing things to defend her position, I'm not sure if that's the case as much as it is that it would make talking to the kids (and the parents) much more effective if they have specific examples of what happened, when it happened, who was involved, and how it happened. Make sure she writes down the facts of what happened as clearly as she remembers them (including approximate or exact times). Can you imagine the difference between these two meetings:
"Your daughter has been mean to another student and been bullying her. Take care of it now."
AND
"Your daughter, at 10:15 yesterday as they were between science and English class, shoved this other girl into a locker and held her there while (looks at another parent) YOUR daughter started slapping her."

The 2nd one brings a much more "oh crap" factor to it and a lot less room to wiggle out of it.

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Bolding mine. The rest of the post I totally agree with.

I do not see it as a win/lose situation.

If it were my daughter - my worries would be about happiness, self esteem and the long term consequences of being bullied.

Who gives a rats behind if the bullies think they won?

Moreover - what is the goal of bullying? To inflict pain. If the child in question leaves school - the bullying at school will stop and they will not be able to inflict pain. Their goal will not be met.

There is no way I would put up with being bullied. I would try to fix it, and if that did not work , I would leave the situation. No one should have to put up with being treated like [email protected] I was bullied in school, and I know how painful it is. I was a hair -breath away from being suicidal - and most of it was caused by bullying.

There is power in walking away from being treated like crap.

However, despite the above, I try hard not to project in such situations. I don't want to bury my head in the sand, but I don't want to jump to conclusions either, yk?

If this were my child, I would do the following:

a) explain that I would do my best to work with the teachers to end the bullying, but that there was no gaurentee I/we would be successful. Bullying can be really hard to stop - and it is not the failure of the student if they can't stop it.

b) let the child know they should weigh whether or not the pros of school outweigh the cons (which include bullying - as there is no gaurentee it will end). The child will then be able to make an informed decision. Homeschooling should always be an option if the child decides she has had too much.

c) involve the child in something outside of school. Sports, music, whatever. School should not be a child's total life- particularly if they are being bullied. Outside, positive places for social interaction are vital.

I do not think a grade 6 is totally a grown up. There is a place for parents to step in and say "enough". I think the middle years are really tough. With a grade 2 student - the answer would be fairly simply for me - I would pull them in a heart beat. With a 15 year old - once again the decision is simple - unless someone is depressed and a danger to themselves - they get to make the decsion for themselves (with support and information) on whether to stay or go. A grade 6 is so in between - and knowing what to do is tricky. I would let them decide - but there would be parameters on that decision.

good luck! More hugs.....

Kathy

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Thats sad when I was in school and around here those are the super popular kids the ones everyone loves.

Deanna

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Ditto the above since it sounds like the school isn't doing much to correct the bullying.

~~~~~UPDATE~~~~~~

Just a quick note, to say that after a VERY disappointing meeting with the principal, we pulled dd out-leaving our other dc there. (Marriages require compromises.... )

Afterwards....

Laying ALL options out for dd, SHE wanted to file a police report! A dear, sweet friend of mine, who has too much experience with violence and has a degree in behavioral psychology, put that out as an option. I guess that is typical protocol for the local PS.

The police officer was....stunned....that this school was so dismissive of the bullying that has taken place. And outright shocked(his words) about the way the principal handled(or,actually, DIDN'T HANDLE) the physical assault.

He (PO) was VERY encouraging towards dd, and said, "You are a brave, courageous girl, and if every student was as brave as you, and reported bullying, our nation would not have so many violent school-related tragedies(sp?) throughout our nation!"

I wanted to bawl at that point. Our dd has no idea, that students who are bullied, and pushed to a breaking point, show up at schools, and open fire on the school population!! But, I do.

I will fill in the details later. ALL OF OUR DC ARE STAYING HOME TILL NEXT THURSDAY-AN EXTENDED SPRING BREAK. This gives us time to think/work through these angering events.

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My readings, and talks with parents of older dc, reveal that this is NOT uncommon. The prettier, the smarter....the newer...all reasons for the intimidated dc to bully.

I don't think this is sad, it is angering! Your post reflects stereotyping....there is NO face for a victim of bullying-ANY face can be a victim. I only mentioned this, as a popular book about girl bullying, brings my dd's situation up again and again.