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Dh is out of town and ds is at a sleepover, so I'm alone for right now. It's been nice, but I'm just so damned sad. Last night I watched Big Fish and found myself bawling. Somehow that movie triggered the feeling of loss I had when my dad died, but it also made me feel the loss of my own mother-even though she's alive.<br><br>
This morning I was chatting with the friend who has ds and she mentioned that he was calling her dad "grandpa Joe" and that just pushed me over the edge. I am so angry, so sad, so...so...just ARRRRGGH that he doesn't have any grandparents of his own. I just don't understand why my mother can't pull her head out of her ass long enough to realize she's missing out on her only grandchild's life. Why can't she love him? Why can't she love me? She has a beautiful, smart, sweet grand kid that she couldn't care less about. I feel like my inherent badness, the reason she never loved me to begin with, has been transferred to my son. She must think that he's as awful as I am to not miss having him in her life.<br><br>
I know I'm not bad or tainted or disgusting. I know her priorities are messed up and that she has made the choice not to be in my life, but damn it hurts. And it hurts me to know that ds feels the loss of his grandmother deeply enough to look for a replacement. How dare she deprive him of a grandmother?<br><br>
And while we're at it, how dare MIL and FIL make that same choice? They deny the abuse my husband went through. They dance around the molestation of dh's sister, and they are more than content to not have us, or ds, in their life.<br><br>
My poor baby has been rejected by not one set of grandparents, but two. It's not fair! He doesn't deserve that!<br><br>
I find myself wishing my mother would die. I know that sounds awful, but if she died then I would feel like I have permission to mourn her. Nobody understands that I'm mourning now. I can't burst into tears at the bookstore. I can't call my friends and cry. I can't ask dh for support. The worst part of all of this is that I have to go through it alone.
 

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I'm so sorry. We're here to support you.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I am so sorry you are going through this.<br><br>
My own experience is very different from yours, but my MIL is very toxic as well and has totally written off STBX's kids. This hurt me tremendously in the begining and I thought some similiar thoughts to yours, such as how can anyone just not love this sweet innocent baby? WTF is wrong with her that she could care less about seeing her grandkids??<br><br>
But I decided that it was way better for DD to never know her and possibly question the abscence of her Dad's Mom in her life when she is older than to ever have a real relationship with someone so toxic and horrible anyway.<br><br>
I know sometimes it's not much comfort, especially on the bad days. But you do know that there are amazing people who do love your child. They may not be the "blood" ones that you expect to do so... but I think anyone that chooses to step into a role that is not biologically assigned to them... well it says a lot.<br><br>
Mourn your Mom. Mourn what she is giving up... but feel proud in yourself that you can keep the toxic-ness out of your child's life. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I didn't have the same childhood experiences either, but my DD has been completely rejected from the start by her fathers family. She also has a half sister that she won't get to know because the Mom hates me and hates the childrens father. I really feel for DD and am always thinking how I can counter that. It's not fair, but her health and safety are not worth trying to make those relationships work.<br><br>
Are there any friends you and your family are close to that could maybe fill in the gaps left by the dysfunctional grandparents? Love is love, and love from someone not required to love you, but who simply chooses to love you can be a very powerful and uplifting thing. You could maybe even find a local grandparent that is alone and would like a little socialization as well as interaction with a young family. Adopted family members don't have to be under 18. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
All your feelings are totally understandable, I don't blame you for being sad & angry. Please know that there is nothing "inherently bad" about you & no "badness" is being transferred to DS. THEY, the grandparents, are the "bad" ones. But that's still not fair, to you or your son. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Thank you.<br><br>
I'm feeling better now. I think I was just feeling emotional because of Mother's Day and the Writing Into Motherhood project I just completed. It turns out my project had a lot about my mother in it, and now that I'm done with it, I feel raw and exposed.<br><br>
Ds IS better off without all the toxic, abusive grandparents, and I know that. Some days it just hurts that things are the way they are.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Boy do I understand! Sucky moms suck big time!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Rigama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15402375"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
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I find myself wishing my mother would die. I know that sounds awful, but if she died then I would feel like I have permission to mourn her. Nobody understands that I'm mourning now. I can't burst into tears at the bookstore. I can't call my friends and cry. I can't ask dh for support. The worst part of all of this is that I have to go through it alone.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
I know how this feels--mourning the loss of a parent who is still alive. It sucks. Mother's Day is really hard on me, too.
 

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Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 

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lots of <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">s
 

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Thank you <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 
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