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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">: I have started to feel terribly sad for my DD. She will no longer be the sole focus of our attention when the new baby arrives. Was this fair to her? I feel like I am betraying her. I feel like I am taking something away from her.<br><br>
All the beautiful, heirloom quality, solid knotty pine nurseryfurniture we had to take out a loan -- a small fortune -- to buy, and is finally paid for, and was HERS -- we are giving the new baby and buying a much cheaper set for DD since the nice set has a crib and the crib matches the rest of the set. I am so depressed about this. It is HER furniture. I associate it with HER. I am tearing up typing this! DH says I am being ridiculous and that just to look at it as each baby gets a turn with the nice furniture. I feel like I am betraying DD!<br><br>
Is this furniture representing something much bigger? I feel like it is -- it must be, this is so silly -- but what?<br><br>
I'm scared I won't have enough energy for two. I barely have enough for one. Sometimes I actually don't.<br><br>
How will I love the new baby as much as I love my firstborn? I don't see how it is possible. I know I will love him/her deeply, but will I always have a special place in my heart for my firstborn that the new baby won't be privvy to? Is that fair to THAT baby?<br><br>
Is it less selfish to have only one child? I am starting to wonder if it is.<br><br>
Oh now I've just worked myself into a tizzy typing this. Thank God DH is at work because this is already starting to bug him.
 

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Just wanted to offer some hugs, mama!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I don't have any easy answers, but I can understand the sentimentality over things like furniture. Is the crib one that converts to a bigger bed, so that it could grow with your DD? Or does it really need to stay with the youngest child? I think if you explore what your expectations were for the set, then perhaps you can find what part of it is most upsetting.<br><br>
I know a lot of mamas (and daddies) go through the questions of loving another child. Amazingly, it seems that EACH child has a "special place" in our hearts that's different than the others - just as each child is different. There will never be another FIRST baby, nor will you have another SECOND baby. Each will be totally unique and you'll fall in love with each child for their very own reasons!<br><br>
I think the issue of losing the "baby" spot for your first child is hardest when they still seem like a baby. The wonderful thing is that with the age difference of yours, your DD will likely take very readily to her new sibling and will never have a second thought about it! It is one of the most truly amazing things to see TWO of your own children loving on each other and playing together and growing together!! It is really a very precious gift!<br><br>
For now, take the time to mourn the things that are lost, but take heart that there are wonderful rewards to having two! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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It's kind of funny. My dd (1) is younger than your dd (1) and I'm looking at number 3! Trust me, you aren't taking anything away from her. She's still your baby and will always be. I guess it's been easier for me, because I never saw dd as our "sole focus". Of course, she took alot of my time - still does - but she never was the only thing I focused on. DD has always adored her little brother - it is so neat to see at this young age they play together. It might have been tempting to think since dd was high need that she needed to be an only child for longer, but actually having a brother has been a very good thing for her.<br><br>
I think alot of it is a perspective thing. When I had dd I knew I wanted a large family, I have looked at everything with the intention of it being passed down. I looked at her baby clothes and dreamed of another little girl coming along to wear them. I am from a large extended family, and so having a large family is an unselfish desire - I know how wonderful it has been to have a large loving family behind me.<br><br>
I can also tell you this - I have never felt like I've had enough energy. Things are no more harder with 2 than with 1. It's just different - some things are harder some things are easier.<br><br>
(I do love my children differently. They are different, and I delight in them differently.)
 

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One hesitates to suggest it, but do you think there's a possibility that this problem is, at least in part, the result of a conspiracy between the natural anxieties that occur during pregnancy and the natural hormone production that occurs around the same time?<br><br>
You may be right - your concern about the furniture may represent something bigger. Have you tried thinking about how your daily routines will change with the second child, and trying to plan one-on-one focused time for each one?<br><br>
If it were me, and I couldn't figure out what the bigger thing was the concern about the furniture represented, I'd chalk it up to hormones. Maybe chocolate could help correct the balance?<br><br>
Either way, you're not betraying your dd. I hope you're feeling better soon.
 

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I think you're giving your dd a gift by giving her a sibling. You are giving her a friend for a life, someone to share her childhood with, a teammate.<br><br>
I am an only child and grew up thinking that I was the sole pupose and focus of my mother's life. Believe me, real life was a true surprise, when I learned that I was not the center of everyone's world. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:<br><br>
I was thrilled that my first pregnancy was twins, as I'd never have an only child. Now, I do feel a little guilty for #3 and #4, that they won't get as much undivided attention as #1 and #2 received, but they will get the gift of attention from not only dh and me, but also their brothers.
 

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I think you (we) are getting very good advice here. I have had many of the same thoughts, I think because I am an only child so it's hard for me to imagine what it will be like for her to be a big sister. My DH is not so worried, being the oldest of four.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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*hugs* I remember when dd2 was born and I began to cry. My dh gave me a hug and asked what was wrong and I began to cry uncontrollably becuase now my oldest didn't have mommy all to herself.<br><br>
My girls are so close. My dd2 has such a great relationship with both her sis and us. I have found time for each child to have mommy only time, time alone (when they want it), and time with daddy alone.<br><br>
Adding an addition to the family is always an adjustment. My dh is an only child and he remembers loving it and hating it. I am a sibling in a family of 4 and I loved it and hated it. I think all of these feelings are normal.<br><br>
How does your child feel about a sibling? I thought my dd2 would be upset about having a baby to compete with, but she is really interested and seems excited. Sure, there may be some jealousy but i think in the long run, she will be just fine.<br><br>
I think our hearts have a great capacity to love!
 

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Hugs, Julie. I think everyone has given great words of wisdom and experience. Your post struck a chord, since I feel exactly the same way. Sometimes I look at Thomas and cry, feeling the betrayal of taking away his babyhood for having another. Someone here put it best though: they'll ALWAYS be our babies!! And your heart is big... there's plenty of more love in there for the new baby. It doesn't get taken away from your DD; more just develops for the new little one. One of the most beautiful miracles.<br><br>
Hang in there. Riley will always know you love her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thanks to each and every person who responded, as I gained something from every single post. This had been eating at me for days and I almost didn't post because I had no idea other people were going through the same emotions.
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>HeatherB</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7914425"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Is the crib one that converts to a bigger bed, so that it could grow with your DD? Or does it really need to stay with the youngest child? I think if you explore what your expectations were for the set, then perhaps you can find what part of it is most upsetting.</div>
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The crib is a 3-in-1 convertible that converts to a toddler bed, then a full size bed. So although we certainly planned on more than one, somehow I just always envisioned it staying with her. It doesn't make sense to buy another crib though when we are tightly budgeted. Since it is a set that goes with the armoire and changing table, they all have to stay together.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I think the issue of losing the "baby" spot for your first child is hardest when they still seem like a baby.</td>
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I guess that's part of what has me so torn up these past few days. As another poster said, I feel like I am robbing her of part of her babyhood. She's still a baby. Oh, it has made me so sad the last few days! Especially since I planned and chose this. And it's not that she's high-needs at all; she's actually always smiling, always happy, always content. Very, very sweet child. I just think -- maybe she should have been an only child for a little longer.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">The wonderful thing is that with the age difference of yours, your DD will likely take very readily to her new sibling and will never have a second thought about it! It is one of the most truly amazing things to see TWO of your own children loving on each other and playing together and growing together!! It is really a very precious gift!</td>
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This was very encouraging, thanks!<br><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>stik</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7915444"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">One hesitates to suggest it, but do you think there's a possibility that this problem is, at least in part, the result of a conspiracy between the natural anxieties that occur during pregnancy and the natural hormone production that occurs around the same time?</div>
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Yeah, it might be hormones. To cry about furniture is just <i>not normal.</i><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">If it were me, and I couldn't figure out what the bigger thing was the concern about the furniture represented, I'd chalk it up to hormones. Maybe chocolate could help correct the balance?</td>
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What a <i>great</i> excuse to eat some chocolate. Much appreciated.<br><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>meisterfrau</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7915641"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think you (we) are getting very good advice here. I have had many of the same thoughts, I think because I am an only child so it's hard for me to imagine what it will be like for her to be a big sister. My DH is not so worried, being the oldest of four.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"></div>
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Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention I am an only child. I never had to share attention. <i>Maybe</i> that's a major player in my anxieties. Which I never considered.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>brendon</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7915671"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">*hugs* I remember when dd2 was born and I began to cry. My dh gave me a hug and asked what was wrong and I began to cry uncontrollably becuase now my oldest didn't have mommy all to herself.</div>
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This soooo sounds llike me!<br><br>
And to you mamas (bygones et al.) who said my post struck a cord with them, a very kind user sent me this poem in a PM and although I read it with tears in my eyes (well pouring down my face, really -- hormones!!), I was smiling through the tears by the end. She did give me permission to share it with you, so here it is:<br><br><br><span style="text-decoration:underline;">Loving Two</span><br><br>
I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?<br><br>
Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before.<br><br>
I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me.” And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t,” knowing, in fact, that I never can again.<br><br>
You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.<br><br>
But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying him—as though I am betraying you.<br><br>
But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.<br><br>
More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.<br><br>
But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times – only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.<br><br>
I watch how he adores you — as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you—only differently.<br><br>
And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.<br><br>
I love you—-both. And I thank you both for blessing my life. —Author Unknown
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>knowerofnada</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7917193"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><span style="text-decoration:underline;">Loving Two</span><br><br>
I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?<br><br>
Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before.<br><br>
I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me.” And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t,” knowing, in fact, that I never can again.<br><br>
You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.<br><br>
But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying him—as though I am betraying you.<br><br>
But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.<br><br>
More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.<br><br>
But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times – only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.<br><br>
I watch how he adores you — as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you—only differently.<br><br>
And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.<br><br>
I love you—-both. And I thank you both for blessing my life. —Author Unknown</div>
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Hoo, boy. Did that get the pregnancy hormone waterworks going. Oh, I love my precious little girl. I want to go get her out of bed right now and hug her and squeeze her!
 

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wow, that was very sweet. i'm glad we are talking about this. it has been coming up for me a lot too.<br><br>
i just wanted to add that i think it is a very normal way to feel and that i know a lot of other mamas feel like this too.
 

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I skimmed one or two lines of that and had to skip the rest! Not ready for a tear-fest right now! Those sorts of things always get to me. So sweet!
 

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Just wanted to let you know I had very similar feelings when I was pregnant with my second, and my sweet little girl was not going to be my sole focus. I also was very sad that we weren't going to have our little cool mom and daughter thing only.<br><br>
My feelings have changed. And I love them both, now incubating my third. Oh, and one time at the end of my second pregnancy I went in and got my daughter in the middle of the night when she was sleeping just so I could hold her like my baby. I also cried.
 
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