[Lousli]

Ugh, I am having such a hard time with this. My birthday just hit me so hard, with the thought that if I do want another, I don't have long to decide, since I'm 36 already and my kids are 7 and 4. I've been thinking, wondering, wavering. My husband feels more done than I do, and worries about the impact on our finances and family dynamic. Our family feels complete to him.

Many days, I'm inclined to agree with him. I'm far from the perfect parent, and I get frustrated and impatient with my kids sometimes when they don't get ready in the morning or create a tidal wave in the bathtub. Sometimes when they're fighting i think there is no way I could handle any more. And I wonder how we'd do if the children outnumbered the adults in our home.

But, the hormones sing another story. I think about how we're all done with babies and toddlers. I wonder what it would be like if we had a boy this time. I think about having a birth that goes well and hiring a doula so I can do it without medication. I think about holding and nursing and diapering a little one again, and how funny and silly and endearing (as well as frustrating) toddlers can be.

My BFF and I jokingly made a "pact" about 6 weeks ago that if we decided to, we'd both get pregnant so at least we could support each other. She has 2 already too.

A woman in my knitting group just had a beautiful home waterbirth. Another, 20 weeks along, just has her ultrasound and announced the gender. Two women at my kids' dance class are pregnant, one largely, the other just found out. The assistant teacher at my daughter's preschool is starting to show. They are all around me.

I've been dealing. I've thought about it more than normal, but dealing.

Then, yeah, I got the big news. My BFF called me and guess what? So that was a few weeks ago. I figured out that when we made our little "pact" she was already pregnant. Of course, she didn't know it yet, since she was only about 5 days past conception.

I'm glad for her, of course, but I can't believe the insane amount of jealousy I'm having. I've been thinking about it all. the. d**n. time. I'm having weird dreams and a hard time sleeping. And I'm sad, really sad.

This sucks. I hate this economy, I hate that normal cars can't fit 3 carseats, and most of all I hate my stupid hormones.

 

[larkedyflarp]

I say go for it!! I've met a lot of women in menopause, aunts etc. that say they wish they had had one more!!

If your husband prevents this he may have to listen to 40 years of you griping about him preventing it

And as a woman who had an amazing natural birth 5 months ago I say go for that too

 

[luckygreen713]

Oh my, I know how you feel. My kids are younger than yours, and I'm younger than you, but still, I can relate. We have 2 girls, my dh feels that our family is complete and doesn't think he could handle another child. But I still want a chance to do things a little differently. I want a chance to try to nurse again, I failed horribly with my 2 girls and I have a lot of guilt about that. I want to give birth with a midwife in a birthing center without an epidural. And maybe I'd have a boy, although another girl would be just fine with me also. I want to wait and be surprised by the sex which I didn't have the patience to do the 1st two times. But the economy sucks, we're barely making it as it is. And our car only fits 2 car seats. People all around me are pregnant and having babies too. It's really hard. I don't really have advice for you, just wanted to let you know you're not alone and I understand. I hope you and dh can figure something out that works for you both. Good luck to you, and thanks for responding to my thread I just started about whether I could be pg.

 

[belchers1]

Quote:

Originally Posted by larkedyflarp I say go for it!! I've met a lot of women in menopause, aunts etc. that say they wish they had had one more!! If your husband prevents this he may have to listen to 40 years of you griping about him preventing it And as a woman who had an amazing natural birth 5 months ago I say go for that too

That.

Talk to DH about how you feel and what you want.

 

[Bri'sgirl]

Sweetie, I know how you feel. I am 37 (will be 38 in the Fall) and have 3 kiddos already, ranging from 3 to 6 years old. DH and I thought we were done and even talked about the big V, but then last month I'm pretty sure I was pg. Been there, done that, know how it feels. Even had a late AF. But, it wasn't the right timing and I'm pretty sure I had an early m/c. Ever since then, I keep thinking that I might want just one more. Even DH has changed his tune and is asking when we want to start trying. I know I will regret it if I don't at least try for another.

You make the decision that you know in your heart is for you. Go with your heart. You can't go wrong.

 

[SeekingBalance]

When we got married we always said "two." I really felt that two was the right number. I had my first ds in September 2002 after five years of marriage and a bit of a struggle to conceive (PCOS). Then my second son came 21 months later - a happy "accident." At the time I thought I was "done."

Having two kids 21 months apart was tough for me and it seemed to be a total blur of nursing, diapering, etc. When I came out of the blur when ds #2 was 18 months I started thinking I could "do it again." DH, well, not so much. He was completely, totally happy with our current situation.

I got an IUD and I think our plan was that I'd keep it for it's full three year "life" and at the end dh would get a vasectomy. Well, three years was coming up. My youngest was just over 3 and my dh went in to get his consult for his surgery. That was a Tuesday. On the Thursday I had a positive pregnancy test. I had gotten pregnant with my IUD in (this particular IUD only has a .2% failure rate). At first I was shocked, then I was elated. The "decision" was made for us. We'd have three! My husband was less elated...

Unfortunately I miscarried about a week later - at about 7 weeks. The baby could not co-habitate with the IUD and I couldn't have it taken out because of it's position. I was devestated... my dh was relieved, I think. Which makes him sound like a total jerk - but he's not. He really just felt maxed out at 2.

That was in September of 2007. He had a vasectomy in January of 2008.

I am still grieving the loss and completely preoccupied with getting pregnant. It is not a happy place. He has never wavered in his decision and I have never stopped longing for the baby that wasn't.

Recently I found a surgeon who does a mico surgery technique of vasectomy reversal that is very successful. I was so excited... but I'm living in a dreamworld. Dh is not contemplating this - it's my own fantasy.

I'm not sure what my point is - your post just struck a chord with me. I'm turning 35 this month and my hormones are crazy every month with wanting and I see my time running out... it's really hard.

Don't make a permanent change... and talk, talk, talk with your partner. I wish we'd been able to come up with a different decision.

 

[finn'smama]

Oh my, I was about to post something similar OP. We have two boys, 4 and 2. After ds2 was born, I was sure we were done, booked the V and everything...thank goodness we didn't go through with it! I'm not comfortable with the permanence, and I don't think I ever will be.
Anyway, I can think of so many reasons not to have another, I am pretty stretched, impatient, I had ppd which was awful and it was hard that first 18 months. We're finally out of diapers, sleeping through the night, my first is going to school in September, our finances are starting to get in order, etc., etc. Well last month we had a bit of an oops right around O time and I'm disappointed that I'm not pregnant. I really don't know what to do...dp and I feel the same, totally torn about it. We like making babies

, I have had good pregnancies, wonderful, easy births, no problems breastfeeding, healthy kids. My body is back to normal, I'm not breastfeeding for the first time in 4 years, it feels great! But it's weird, I am a mother and I feel a little lost without all that stuff, if that makes sense....

And SeekingBalance

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had an IUD pregnancy and m/c too, it was an awful experience. And more

s for such a difficult situation...

 

[SeekingBalance]

And SeekingBalance

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had an IUD pregnancy and m/c too, it was an awful experience. And more

s for such a difficult situation...[/QUOTE]

I appreciate the hug. It was awful. I'm sorry that you had that experience as well.

 

[AugustineM]

Hmmm... I felt the same way you did, OP, and we ended up having a third. My DH was sort of on the fence. Sometimes he wanted a third, sometimes he didn't. Our kids are close together in age, though -- right now they're 6 mo, almost 3, and 4 1/2. So it was a bit overwhelming at first.

Though I *knew* I wanted to have a third child -- I can't imagine not. It sounds to me like you feel the same way, and that is totally valid. Does your DH know how strongly you feel?

 

[mamalove1]

Oh, I can relate. At 35 and starting my family so late. We too don't have a lot of money and it seems so irresponsible in a way to want another child. On the other hand, a child is never practical. Neither is love. And as a teacher I can tell you first hand, there are no perfect parents. We all struggle with the tidal waves. I am sure that it will become clear what the right choice should be. It is totally normal to feel a bit jealous and torn about your friend. It is good to vent, I think.

 

[Shabbers]

I actually registered here specifically to post something like this - except that I'm 38, and this would be my first.

I've always said that I don't want kids...and DH agreed, it was one thing we were firm on together. Then two years ago my friend got pregnant, and I surprised myself by being jealous of her....DH and I talked and we agreed to stop preventing conception, but still no luck. I've only wanted a child more and more since then.

Every time AF comes I feel like it's my heart bleeding out of me...another month wasted, and I have so few left...DH is very, VERY reluctant to be more agressive about TTC than just not using protection - he'd be perfectly happy about it if it never happens. He worries about the responsibilities of parenthood, and about the baby changing the relationship between us.

It doesn't help that I'm running on half egg-power, having lost my left ovary to cancer last year (they caught it before it spread, thank goodness) and that we don't BD more than a couple times a month - his drive is a lot less than mine in that area, too. (That's one reason I'm not pressuring him more - he already feels bad about "neglecting" me there, and this would only add to it.)

So - don't worry, you're not alone.

 

[Lousli]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamalove1 Oh, I can relate. At 35 and starting my family so late. We too don't have a lot of money and it seems so irresponsible in a way to want another child. On the other hand, a child is never practical. Neither is love. And as a teacher I can tell you first hand, there are no perfect parents. We all struggle with the tidal waves. I am sure that it will become clear what the right choice should be. It is totally normal to feel a bit jealous and torn about your friend. It is good to vent, I think.

Thanks. I am a teacher too, so I see a lot of parents of all kinds out there. I could be better, I'm sure, but all things considered, I think I'm doing okay.

The decision is at least being discussed now, but we're no closer to knowing than we were before. Things will happen in the con category (car broke, needed to finally cave in and buy a new one) and then in the pro category (awesome receptionist at my work decides to retire and open up an in-home infant care next year).

The fact that I'm a teacher, so the timing would have to be great to maximize my time off with baby and pay (giving birth in April, May, or June) and that my first two were early (the first just 4 weeks, but the second one 7 weeks) also complicates matters. I don't want to face the NICU again, nor do I want to have to be on bedrest for a long time. I really sort of feel that if we want to do this, we have to start trying in July, and that seems really soon to have made this big of a choice. Waiting another year seems like too long though, seeing how old my kids would be and I would be at that point.

 

[mamalove1]

The teacher timetable. Don't I know it. You feel pressured to give birth only in those 3 months. Mama nature takes care of alot of that though - we only can control so much. Having a real sad day myself thinking about a new little one. How can you miss someone who isn't even here yet?

 

[mandcc96]

I feel every one of the messages here. I had two girls 2 years apart (teenagers now). I was told I had secondary infertility but had two severe miscarriages (almost died w/one). Then I quit smoking 10 years later and got pg within 1 month after. She is now 3. Dh and I agreed we were done. He set up the appt. for the vasectomy but when the day came he backed out and said he couldn't say forever. There are 5 of us in a 2 bd (our youngest w/special needs sleeps in our room), even though we keep looking for a bigger place we can't afford to move (we rent so we can't add on). My car only seats 5, his truck too. I had no urge to have another. Yet why do I keep dreaming I'm pregnant? Why am I thinking about it? I was sure that I'm done. I gained a ton of weight that I haven't been able to get rid of since I was on bed rest at 19 wks with the last. I have endometriosis so I don't even know if I could get pg but I don't understand why I'm even thinking about it. I had the miscarriages and always wanted one more to complete our family and I finally got pregnant. Why am I feeling the urge now...3 years later? Do women feel this way right up to menopause or is there something that changes along the way to let you know you're done. I thought I was there. I had no second thoughts for 3 years. My closest friend even had another baby a year and a half ago and I didn't even get the slightest twinge...until now.

 

[Lisoula]

Quote:

Originally Posted by belchers1 Talk to DH about how you feel and what you want.

I'm in the same boat as OP. I've tried to discuss it, but my DH won't budge. It's frustrating. I understand OP's situation completely.

to you, Lousli.

(Wow - I just noticed how similar our screen names are!)

 

[PGTlatte]

*

 

[Lousli]

I'm bumping this because the issue is still there and I really don't know what to do. I feel like there is no one to talk to because my friends either seem to have 1 child that is still a toddler and they're trying for 2 or they already have 2 and are pregnant with the third (2 close friend in this group now.)

My husband and I have been talking, round and round about it. He says he feels 90% no and 10% yes and I told him I feel 60% no and 40% yes. He said he didn't know I was that much in favor of it, so we really needed to think about it and talk about it more. The thing is, it is now August, and essentially I'd have to conceive this month or next with the whole teacher timetable thing, or wait a year.

I don't think I'm ready to get pregnant right now. I'm going into a tough year at work. Only my second year teaching at this school, in this type of setting (Montessori, not public) and going from a class of 20 to a class of 30. I don't think I can afford to spend the first 3 months of the school year exhausted and nauseated. I guess the alternative would be to say screw the timetable and if we decide to do it, just do it, but there's the very real issue of time off for maternity leave, which I have no idea how it would work in a private setting, and there's no way I can ask my boss without freaking him out.

And yet, once again, it is just making me really sad because I keep having dreams that I am pregnant, and having these tugging at my heart feelings. I'm worried though that it is more the idea of being pregnant and getting to experience that again, and the idea of a tiny sweet baby, and not so much the idea of another child, and all that it entails to have potty training and child care and soccer practice and a college savings account. We got a kitten, and he is a sweet little love, but it didn't help the baby craving.

I love being able to go out on a date with my husband and have actual babysitting, even sometimes sleep-overs at my parents' house. I love how independent my children are getting and how I don't have to nurse constantly and watch them every single second of every single day. I like having older kids, they are a lot of fun to be around and can have great conversations with me now and have fun hobbies.

How on earth does anyone every actually decide this?

 

[GearGirl]

I have an almost 9 year old, a six year old and a 20 month old. # 3 was a great decision, yes it was hard at first since I had pretty much been out of the whole baby thing, but he's just so cute and cuddly, and my first real mammas boy attached to me like glue. My husband, who was really, really on the fence or a no about # 3 is totally smitten with him. I hope my dh agrees to a # 4, I can't even imagine, but I would love this little guy to have someone closer in age.

 

[spiraldancer]

I feel for you, mama. I just turned 36 this week, and time seems to be going by so fast. I don't know what to say, except to share my little story, hope it might help a little.

I had dd when I was 23 (now I think I was still a bit of a babe myself at that point, but I *knew* having her was the right thing for me to do), and ds1 4 years later. Dh was reluctant at the beginning of both pregnancies (we've been together since hs), but was great by the birth, and has become a great papa. He is a real provider, and feels the weight of that responsibility quite heavily at times - he's the more practical one, I tend to be the dreamer. The idea of having kids and looking after them scared him quite a bit - his own childhood stuff mixed with normal, adult worries. He's totally in love with them, and I think being a dad has made him into the kind of man he can feel really good about being (most days lol).

However, he was Done after that. And I was happy with 2, but never quite Sure. I'd get waves of baby fever, and then it would subside. I ended up getting pregnant while I had an IUD in place, an ectopic that ruptured, and I nearly died. I was so scared, all I could think of were my kids and how much I needed to be here for them. After I recovered from the surgery to remove my fallopian tube I started to feel the grief of losing the fetus and realize how much I wanted a baby. I got very depressed for a while, then managed to wind my way back to feeling good and grateful for all that I have. It was hard, though. Dh still wouldn't talk about having a third, it was out of the question for him. Just too many kids, he said, he felt overwhelmed by the thought of it. Our relationship went through some hard times, and I didn't think it was fair to any of us to bring another child into the world with such uncertainty, so I tried to just let my feelings go.

Got a puppy - he's cute, but it didn't work.

Then I got pregnant again (another oops - despite having only one fallopian - must be very fertile I guess). We went through a rough time at first, not sure what to do. We were both really scared and confused. Then we accepted the idea of #3 (easier for me than him, but still, I had some fears, too. . .) and the rest of the pregnancy was peachy. Ds2 is now 8 months old, such a little cutie, and it's hard to imagine life w/o him. The age gap with the other 2 is huge (12 and 8 years) but it works - they love him and are a huge help. Dh is totally in love with him, and is the best dad and partner yet. Our relationship is stronger than ever. I could even imagine having one more closer in age, but dh had a vasectomy done a few months ago just to rule out any possibilities of that happening (no more oops)! And at first the finality of it really saddened me (I love the magic of making babies) but now I've accepted it and feel relieved to just enjoy my family and not worry about bc any more.

Three is a lot different than 2, especially when the first 2 are much older. It's been a huge adjustment, for all of us, and really challenging at times. But I'm so glad we had our 3rd, because the empty ache in my heart has been replaced with laughter and joy. Our family finally feels complete - busy, messy, loud, and full of love. I could never have imagined it this way, but it feels exactly right.

Good luck with your decision - it's not easy. Just try to remember to trust yourself, and honor your heart as well as your head. Spend some time outside in nature by yourself, if you can, to get in touch with your "inner wise woman" - maybe she'll have some insights for you.

 

[Shiloh]

the radians sunshine kids seats 3 across in a small car like our old saturn