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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
When I started researching the circumcision issue in order to better persuade my SIL to leave her currently gestating son intact, I asked my DH if he thought his mother would likely be on our side, even though she had him circumcised. DH then looked at me funny and said, "but I'm not circumcised."<br><br>
Now, DH clearly has more skin than most circumcised men but it only just barely covers about 50% of the glans when he is flaccid. I just figured he was "lucky" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> to get a loose circ. He was adamant that he wasn't circumcised. I pointed out that he looks very different than our intact son, where the foreskin hangs down past the glans. At this point I could see that he was becoming very defensive about it and he said that it just looks different in adult men.<br>
I gently (i hope!) pointed out that my first boyfriend was intact and he had foreskin that hung down like our son. I could see that DH was bothered by this conversation by this point so I just let it drop.<br><br>
Recently though, his sister was over and I gave her the information I'd printed out for her and she mentioned that she'd talked to her mother about the issue. MIL told her that she'd circumcised my DH.<br><br>
He was in the room for this conversation and I looked at him at this point and his face darkened. He didn't say anything and had to go be alone for a bit. He was obviously disturbed by this. We haven't talked about it much since then.<br><br>
I am so sad and angry.<br>
The short conversation we've had since about it focused more on the fact that he feels like his mother never tells him anything about his past. He feels like he's the last person to find out anything.<br>
I said I wasn't sure if many mothers ever have conversations with their adult sons about their penises.<br><br>
I feel like it may help for him to talk to his mother about this. It may also help her see that she should try and convince her daughter to leave her son intact if she were to know how much this hurt her own son. It's such a delicate topic though, I'm not sure how to broach it without my DH getting incredibly defensive. He's already having a hard time with other issues in his life like not being happy with his job and feeling inadequate as a financial provider for us. He's very insecure.<br><br>
Should I just leave this alone until he brings it up?<br>
I'm worried for him but I'm also very anxious to convince my SIL to leave her son intact and want to do what I can to achieve that. Gosh, I suddenly just had the feeling that I may be trying to use my DH as a way to get through to my SIL. That doesn't feel very good. Maybe I should just leave it be....<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/guilty.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="guilty">
 

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birch said:
Should I just leave this alone until he brings it up?
<br>
Yes. I think you are treading on very delicate territory. I'd be loving, affectionate and supportive - but not bring it up until/unless he does.<br><br>
You can still discuss circ (in general terms) with your SIL - it is good to get the information out there and let her know other options.
 

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First i wanted to say "Welcome!"<br><br>
Second, right now it sounds like you Dh needs love and reassurance in other areas of his life. But I wouldn't shy away if he asks questions about it, and honestly and gently answer him.<br><br>
continue "working" on your SIL with helpful information, though.<br><br>
Good luck!
 

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I agree, leave it alone for a while. It's possible he's just really embarrassed that he was so adamant he wasn't circed and then found out he's wrong, but even if that's the case its probably best to just leave him alone.<br><br>
Perhaps though you could approach the SIL issue with him without mentioning his mother or his circ and that would give him an opening to talk about it with you if he wants to. Regardless of whether he is circed, it sounds like he obviously agreed with you not to circ your son and would be useful in persuading his sister not to either.
 

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As bad as this sounds you can now say "look, now you know a man that's clearly unhappy being circumcised, don't believe it doesn't effect men as adults".
 

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Researchers have found that self-reported status is very inaccurate and that about 15% of men report their circumcision status erroneously so, your story is not that unusual. But it also reminds me of something that happened a couple of years ago on a debate board.<br><br>
A group of women came there arguing about circumcision and strongly supporting it. They were there more to cause a disruption than anything else and their demeanor was very raucous. There was one woman who was insistent that it was vitally important that the son look like the father and that very serious psychological problems could result if the son was intact and the father was circumcised. She said that was the main reason they had their son circumcised.<br><br>
However, about three weeks into this invasion, this one woman started asking unusual questions and her demeanor had completely changed. She wanted specific details like what an intact penis looked like both erect and flaccid and exactly how a foreskin worked. Suddenly, she disappeared for a few days and then came back with an admission. During the discussion, she began to suspect that her husband wasn't circumcised after all. Her husband insisted he was but she showed him the posts and his certainty began to waver. Finally, they called his mother and asked her and she was quite certain that he was not. She had strongly resisted the doctor's insistence on circumcision and had not allowed it to happen and was quite distressed that they had done it to her grandson. She posted "My face is beet red!" with her admission and said that the foreskin was her favorite part of her husband's penis and that she would not be circumcising future sons. With that, she disappeared never to post on that board again.<br><br><br><br>
Frank
 

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I think maybe you should not mention to your husband anymore about your ex boyfriend having a foreskin and what it looked like. Even though a woman may find that reasonable, most men take it very badly.<br><br>
Maybe you could talk to your MIL yourself?
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Frankly Speaking</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Researchers have found that self-reported status is very inaccurate and that about 15% of men report their circumcision status erroneously so, your story is not that unusual. But it also reminds me of something that happened a couple of years ago on a debate board.<br><br>
A group of women came there arguing about circumcision and strongly supporting it. They were there more to cause a disruption than anything else and their demeanor was very raucous. There was one woman who was insistent that it was vitally important that the son look like the father and that very serious psychological problems could result if the son was intact and the father was circumcised. She said that was the main reason they had their son circumcised.<br><br>
However, about three weeks into this invasion, this one woman started asking unusual questions and her demeanor had completely changed. She wanted specific details like what an intact penis looked like both erect and flaccid and exactly how a foreskin worked. Suddenly, she disappeared for a few days and then came back with an admission. During the discussion, she began to suspect that her husband wasn't circumcised after all. Her husband insisted he was but she showed him the posts and his certainty began to waver. Finally, they called his mother and asked her and she was quite certain that he was not. She had strongly resisted the doctor's insistence on circumcision and had not allowed it to happen and was quite distressed that they had done it to her grandson. She posted "My face is beet red!" with her admission and said that the foreskin was her favorite part of her husband's penis and that she would not be circumcising future sons. With that, she disappeared never to post on that board again.<br><br><br><br>
Frank</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Wow, that's extremely enlightening. It never occurred to me that some men might not know the truth about themselves. Wow.
 

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Well, since he was only circumsized 'a little bit' it's understandable he didn't really know. It's not like men check each other's equipment out a lot, how was he supposed figure it out? Your DH is lucky that he still has most of the benifits of foreskin despite the fact the surgery was done on him. In a way he can see the issue from both sides as it is - as a circ'ed man and as one with foreskin. That's kinda cool. Though, if I were you I wouldn't bring up the subject with him about his personal take, that has to be kinda shocking finding out he was circ'ed when he has gone through life this long thinking otherwise.
 

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Back in 1979, I babysat for a little boy who was left intact because he had a very short foreskin--it only covered half his glans. So, it is possible for an intact man to have a foreskin that short. That is why your dh was confused. It sounds like he has a loose circ.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thanks for all the replies!<br><br>
I think I will just wait for DH to bring it up again and avoid any mention of previous boyfriends when he does. Definetly don't think that helped anything.<br><br>
I gave my SIL a massive stack of info printed off the web and a recent issue of Mothering with circumcision articles. We've still got four months before she's due, so I plan on discussing this with her more. I may talk to my MIL in a general way about circumcision but I'm worried that my DH will inevitably be brought into the discussion and I'm not sure how he would feel about his penis being the focus of a discussion between his mother and I. Not to mention the fact that his mom is kind of intense, to put it mildly. Last summer we had an upsetting argument about vaccinations and since then have avoided any potential hot topics related to mothering issues.<br><br>
Wow, Frank, that's an interesting anecdote..I never realized how many men don't accurately know whether or not they are circ'ed. Crazy.
 

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Add my husband to the list. He didn't even know what circumcision was or that he'd had it done. I had to point out what that scar was. He's blissfully ignorant of what's missing from himself, and I'm keeping him that way. He had no problems keeping our son intact. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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Just chiming in... In a recent discussion I found out my husband didn't know he was circd until he got out of High School. He just thought he was normal. And it wasn't until I researched for the sake of our son that he realised something had truly been taken from him. Maybe he's just really good at hiding it but he says he doesn't get mad because he was a baby and had no control over what happend to him. He does refer to it as being a cosmetic procedure and is now very much against it where once he didn't really care. (he's even brought up restoration a few times recently)<br><br>
I'm glad you've decided to sit back and say nothing to your DH about this now. Sounds like he just needs love and suport.
 

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HI birch. Welcome. I'm sorry your in a tight spot. On one hand you desperately want to protect your nephew - on the other you want to support your dh. It sounds like your SIL is at least open to the information which is great. I'll keep my fingers crossed for your nephew!
 

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That sucks for your dh to find out, but there is kind of a postive spin that might be put on it as far as saving your nephew. I've heard people pushing circ say that your son will be upset with you later if you don't do it, and that they will suffer mental anguish of all sort. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"> But your husband spent all those years thinking he wasn't (and it sounds like he may have as much foreskin left as a man with a naturally short one might) and it certainly doesn't sound like he had any issues with it....until he found out he actually WAS circ'd.
 
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