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2,599 Posts
I'm not even sure what I'm looking for here, but damn I'm sad. And tired. And quite tired of being sad.<br><br>
My younger sister (one of them - I have two younger brothers, two younger sisters) just moved to Vancouver to start her life as a pilot.<br><br>
I am devastated. I 1) am going to miss her so much I could die and 2) have always, always, always wanted to live in Vancouver. No where else but the west coast - we are talking life long dream.<br><br>
There are so many decisions I've made in my life that I wish I could go back and undo. People say 'live with no regrets' but I have so many, sometimes it's overwhelming. How could one person screw up so badly?<br><br>
For instance - I was in such a hurry to have a baby (which I did - age 20) that I pretty much gave up any chance of enjoying my young adult life.<br><br>
I put myself through nursing school with two small children, and now I pretty much work to pay bills and the mortgage. There's not a dollar left over to enjoy. I'm pay cheque to pay cheque - and I make a damn good salary.<br><br>
I work with all these people who are the same age as me (29) and are just starting their families. They've literally had ten years to enjoy their money and their freedom - my two kids are 7 & 2 - I'm never going to see the end of supporting them now. There's nothing for me. Ever.<br><br>
Also - I am stuck in this godforsaken town pretty much for the rest of my life. My ex & I divorced last year, and while I have residential custody, he has visitation - I'll never be able to leave. I hate this town. It's an uber conservative, northern mining town with limited access to ANYthing and severely lacking in arts/culture/natural resources.<br><br>
Lately, it's been a struggle to get out of bed. Everything just sucks my will to live. People tell me 'you need to do something for yourself' - with what money and what time? It's more effort to arrange to get out and do something than it's worth.<br><br>
My toddler is an extremely, SUPER high needs kid. She has ADHD and we're looking at a diagnosis of SPD & possibly ODD. It's insane. I'd rather work than be at home with her, the stress is so great (and I'm a trauma RN - that's saying a lot right there) that I dread long stretches of being off - which kills me with guilt.<br><br>
So yeah.<br><br>
All choices I've made, all things I've done to myself.<br><br>
It's been months though and I can't stop crying. I just feel stuck. I put myself through school to have this lucrative career and to be able to have & do things - and I can't because I'm supporting two kids & loan payments. I want to leave this town so bad I could die, but I can't because I chose to have kids with an ex who will never leave (and my whole family is here - my mother starts to get upset if I even talk about moving...)<br><br>
It feels like my life is over at 29. This is it. There's nothing else. Work, home, kids; work, home, kids. I'll never pay off the loan payments, never get out of this town. I'll be old and used up before there's any time for myself.<br><br>
My god. What have I done? I'm crying so hard right now, I can barely type.<br><br>
I would like to quit my job, give my kids to my ex, and run far far away.
My younger sister (one of them - I have two younger brothers, two younger sisters) just moved to Vancouver to start her life as a pilot.<br><br>
I am devastated. I 1) am going to miss her so much I could die and 2) have always, always, always wanted to live in Vancouver. No where else but the west coast - we are talking life long dream.<br><br>
There are so many decisions I've made in my life that I wish I could go back and undo. People say 'live with no regrets' but I have so many, sometimes it's overwhelming. How could one person screw up so badly?<br><br>
For instance - I was in such a hurry to have a baby (which I did - age 20) that I pretty much gave up any chance of enjoying my young adult life.<br><br>
I put myself through nursing school with two small children, and now I pretty much work to pay bills and the mortgage. There's not a dollar left over to enjoy. I'm pay cheque to pay cheque - and I make a damn good salary.<br><br>
I work with all these people who are the same age as me (29) and are just starting their families. They've literally had ten years to enjoy their money and their freedom - my two kids are 7 & 2 - I'm never going to see the end of supporting them now. There's nothing for me. Ever.<br><br>
Also - I am stuck in this godforsaken town pretty much for the rest of my life. My ex & I divorced last year, and while I have residential custody, he has visitation - I'll never be able to leave. I hate this town. It's an uber conservative, northern mining town with limited access to ANYthing and severely lacking in arts/culture/natural resources.<br><br>
Lately, it's been a struggle to get out of bed. Everything just sucks my will to live. People tell me 'you need to do something for yourself' - with what money and what time? It's more effort to arrange to get out and do something than it's worth.<br><br>
My toddler is an extremely, SUPER high needs kid. She has ADHD and we're looking at a diagnosis of SPD & possibly ODD. It's insane. I'd rather work than be at home with her, the stress is so great (and I'm a trauma RN - that's saying a lot right there) that I dread long stretches of being off - which kills me with guilt.<br><br>
So yeah.<br><br>
All choices I've made, all things I've done to myself.<br><br>
It's been months though and I can't stop crying. I just feel stuck. I put myself through school to have this lucrative career and to be able to have & do things - and I can't because I'm supporting two kids & loan payments. I want to leave this town so bad I could die, but I can't because I chose to have kids with an ex who will never leave (and my whole family is here - my mother starts to get upset if I even talk about moving...)<br><br>
It feels like my life is over at 29. This is it. There's nothing else. Work, home, kids; work, home, kids. I'll never pay off the loan payments, never get out of this town. I'll be old and used up before there's any time for myself.<br><br>
My god. What have I done? I'm crying so hard right now, I can barely type.<br><br>
I would like to quit my job, give my kids to my ex, and run far far away.