[Ceinwen]

I'm not even sure what I'm looking for here, but damn I'm sad. And tired. And quite tired of being sad.<br><br>
My younger sister (one of them - I have two younger brothers, two younger sisters) just moved to Vancouver to start her life as a pilot.<br><br>
I am devastated. I 1) am going to miss her so much I could die and 2) have always, always, always wanted to live in Vancouver. No where else but the west coast - we are talking life long dream.<br><br>
There are so many decisions I've made in my life that I wish I could go back and undo. People say 'live with no regrets' but I have so many, sometimes it's overwhelming. How could one person screw up so badly?<br><br>
For instance - I was in such a hurry to have a baby (which I did - age 20) that I pretty much gave up any chance of enjoying my young adult life.<br><br>
I put myself through nursing school with two small children, and now I pretty much work to pay bills and the mortgage. There's not a dollar left over to enjoy. I'm pay cheque to pay cheque - and I make a damn good salary.<br><br>
I work with all these people who are the same age as me (29) and are just starting their families. They've literally had ten years to enjoy their money and their freedom - my two kids are 7 & 2 - I'm never going to see the end of supporting them now. There's nothing for me. Ever.<br><br>
Also - I am stuck in this godforsaken town pretty much for the rest of my life. My ex & I divorced last year, and while I have residential custody, he has visitation - I'll never be able to leave. I hate this town. It's an uber conservative, northern mining town with limited access to ANYthing and severely lacking in arts/culture/natural resources.<br><br>
Lately, it's been a struggle to get out of bed. Everything just sucks my will to live. People tell me 'you need to do something for yourself' - with what money and what time? It's more effort to arrange to get out and do something than it's worth.<br><br>
My toddler is an extremely, SUPER high needs kid. She has ADHD and we're looking at a diagnosis of SPD & possibly ODD. It's insane. I'd rather work than be at home with her, the stress is so great (and I'm a trauma RN - that's saying a lot right there) that I dread long stretches of being off - which kills me with guilt.<br><br>
So yeah.<br><br>
All choices I've made, all things I've done to myself.<br><br>
It's been months though and I can't stop crying. I just feel stuck. I put myself through school to have this lucrative career and to be able to have & do things - and I can't because I'm supporting two kids & loan payments. I want to leave this town so bad I could die, but I can't because I chose to have kids with an ex who will never leave (and my whole family is here - my mother starts to get upset if I even talk about moving...)<br><br>
It feels like my life is over at 29. This is it. There's nothing else. Work, home, kids; work, home, kids. I'll never pay off the loan payments, never get out of this town. I'll be old and used up before there's any time for myself.<br><br>
My god. What have I done? I'm crying so hard right now, I can barely type.<br><br>
I would like to quit my job, give my kids to my ex, and run far far away.

 

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Mama, are you seeking any kind of therepy? You sound HORRIBLY depressed. Your youngest is 2? Did you just stop nursing? Perhaps your hormones are all out of sorts. I have heard of women developing PPD a year or two after the birth. I definetly think you should be seeking some sort of counseling. Your a nurse? In a hospital? Is there anyone there you can talk to?<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> a million times.

 

[Logan's mommy]

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Barbie64g</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15423156"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Mama, are you seeking any kind of therepy? You sound HORRIBLY depressed. Your youngest is 2? Did you just stop nursing? Perhaps your hormones are all out of sorts. I have heard of women developing PPD a year or two after the birth. I definetly think you should be seeking some sort of counseling. Your a nurse? In a hospital? Is there anyone there you can talk to?<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> a million times.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that"> and a bunch of these <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">

 

[Catubodua]

def. get some help, someone to talk to.<br><br>
and, i will let you know that i'm totally jealous of my friends who had kids young who are now "free" at a relatively young age. someone i work with is 48 and will have her youngest off to college this fall. she and her hubby love their girls, but are thrilled that come Sept they're getting their life back as a couple.

 

[Lady Mayapple]

Is there any way your ex will take the kids for a few weeks or a month or so until you can regroup and feel better?

 

[sebandg'smama]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">

 

[tinuviel_k]

((((HUGS)))) I did not want to read without replying. I am so sorry that you feel so stuck.

 

[momtoS]

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Ceinwen</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15422708"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><br><br><br>
Also - I am stuck in this godforsaken town pretty much for the rest of my life. My ex & I divorced last year, and while I have residential custody, he has visitation - I'll never be able to leave. I hate this town. It's an uber conservative, northern mining town with limited access to ANYthing and severely lacking in arts/culture/natural resources.<br><br><br><br>
My toddler is an extremely, SUPER high needs kid. She has ADHD and we're looking at a diagnosis of SPD & possibly ODD. It's insane. I'd rather work than be at home with her, the stress is so great (and I'm a trauma RN - that's saying a lot right there) that I dread long stretches of being off - which kills me with guilt.<br><br>
.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Gosh...do you live in my Northern town? I live in the north...cold snow...north. I am often jealous of my single childless friends....(and I had my first at 30). They travel, go to concerts and clubs.<br><br>
I feed my kids, cook, clean, laundry, kids, laundry...same thing every day. Pretty boring.<br><br>
My oldest daughter also has SPD. It is like having five kids. Very stressful. And I do, now, have some good days....and have some bad days...you know the ones that reinforce that your child is different?<br><br>
Well...hugs to you and definitely PM me if you would like to chat.

 

[pauletoy]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Therapy might really be good for you. Mothering is hard, stressful work.

 

[Astrea]

I couldn't read this without offering some <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> and echoing the PP's suggestions to please, please, please 1) speak to a doctor as soon as possible (I would encourage you to be open to the possibility of going on medication--you may find that starting meds gives you the boost you need to tackle the things that are weighing you down) and 2) seek out therapy . I really can't emphasize enough how vital it is that you find professional help. I am not a professional but after reading your post, there is no doubt in my mind that you are dealing with true depression. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> It's horrible and soul-sucking and it's not your fault and it doesn't have to be that way! You can feel better. I speak from first-hand experience (I just finished a year of therapy, and I don't expect to ever stop taking medication--tried it once and it was a huge distaster).<br><br>
PM me if you want to talk, any time.

 

[swd12422]

I agree with PPs who said to seek some support and counseling. Can your ex give you a break by taking the kids for an extended period this summer? Even if it's only a week or two a couple of times, you'll get some downtime to regroup. And I also agree with PP who said to look at the bright side of your timing, which is that your kids will be grown and out before you're 50. I know that sounds so old to you now, but I'm 40 and have a 2-year-old. The thought of him not even being in high school when I'm 50 is depressing, especially when I think about my friends who are 15 years younger than I am, and their kids will be done with college by the time they are 50. Believe me, you can have fun on both ends of parenthood. Try to look forward to still being young enough to enjoy life once your kids are grown and gone. And try to enjoy the time you have with them in the meantime -- I know it's hard now, but you'll feel even worse if you look back 18 years from now and realize that you didn't manage to enjoy them while they were small. I guess what I'm trying to say is, make your goal to live without regrets, b/c that is what will cause you the most pain. Let go what you can't change -- you made some choices, now make the best of them, whether you'd do it all over again the same way or not.

 

[Ceinwen]

I realize it's been almost a month, and things were bad for a few more weeks, but I went and got help - following the support from this thread. Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to post. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"> I didn't reply, but I must have read this thread every day.<br><br>
Now in counseling and reaching out for more help with my girls and situational stress. Trying not to be a martyr, and learning to be thankful for what I have (which is lots)...<br><br>
Things are well. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/treehugger.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Treehugger">

 

[Carhootel]

so glad to hear that things are going well Ceinwen!

 

[Polishbabies]

All I can say is WOW... good for you for seeking help... keep us updated anyway... its therapeutic just to update your virtual friends here even though sometimes it takes extra effort to say "things are going okay"... dont worry if a month passes by and you still havent updated...<br><br>
i know what depression can be like and although sometimes you feel you should be greatful for what you have its really hard to.. but dont feel bad about it... just make sure you do something about your feelings! keep us updated..

 

[Ellen Griswold]

What a great update! DH went on depression medication a year ago and IT CHANGED OUR LIVES!!!! Not saying that meds are a must, but it was great for us. He's going off them now with none of the depression returning.<br><br>
So happy for you. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy">

 

[windsorheightsmom]

My life experiences are different from yours, but I have been in that place of feeling exhausted and sad and that nothing will ever get better. That is depression talking. It feels like it will never lift, but usually it does (eventually) when people get help.<br><br>
One question: is it impossible that your ex would ever move away from the town you live in?<br><br>
One observation: even if your ex never moves, you will only be in your 40s when your younger child is grown. Do you know how many people change careers or move across the country or find a new passion in life during their 40s? It's so common that "Life begins at 40" is a cliche. You have a lot of life ahead of you.

 

[LROM]

First off, great update OP, good for you for getting help and so wonderful to hear you feel a lot better!<br><br>
Re: moving, I don't know the custody laws of the state you live in, but I'm really not clear at all why you are so stuck where you are? Did your ex say he'd fight you bitterly if you ever tried to leave? Is your family super supportive (childcare, socializing, etc)?<br><br>
I know you said your mom gets upset when you talk about it, but not to sound harsh but this is YOUR life, not hers. It's beautiful that she loves you and wants you around, but does she really prefer you there and miserable or further away and happy? If it's a healthy relationship, in my opinion she'd want you happy first and foremost, even if it means seeing less of you which is a bummer.<br><br>
It just wasn't clear to me from your post why you are stuck and can't consider moving until your kids leave home for college or whatever. Hopefully this is all also something you're working on, but if not, you might want to re-look at how impossible it really is for you to think about moving. You're an RN - HUGELY needed job skill alll over the country - you should be able to move if you really want to.<br><br>
I wish you continued better feelings, and again good for you for taking steps to try to get out of your funk. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">