[zannster]

I've been reading some of the threads here, and I already feel kind of isolated. I have trouble identifying with the multi-tasking moms.

Do I feel guilty SAH while DF makes all the income? Yeah, a bit. Why? Because I seldom do anything besides take care of DS. He's finally able to stand being put down for short periods - like maybe 10-15 minutes, tops - and do you think I want to jump up and do housework when that happens? No. I want to read MDS or (better yet) take a shower or get something to eat.

I don't do much laundry. We have to take our laundry to a room at the apt complex, and it is a pain to walk down there with DS (though I could put him in the Kozy and go if I had to). I wash his few sleepers and such in the sink here. Once every couple of weeks, I haul my stuff to the laundry room while DF watches DS. DF has always done his own laundry. Maybe when we manage to get our own W/D, I'll do everything together.

I don't cook much.

: Part of this is because of DS's neediness, but part of it is just lack of experience. I know how to do basic things, but I don't have experience cooking healthy stuff from scratch and coordinating groceries in such a fashion to have the necessary ingredients. DF doesn't cook at all. So we eat a lot of convenience food (some healthy, some not). I would really like to eat healthier, but I'm not sure where to start.

I also don't clean much (seeing a trend here?). My day consists of wandering around the apartment with DS, looking for things to keep him entertained. Sometimes we go for walks or out shopping. I also can go to the YMCA for a bit if his nap and nursing manage to coincide with when they have childcare available. We nurse at least every two hours, sometimes more if I'm trying to get him to take a nap. He falls asleep nursing. Sometimes he falls asleep in my arms, but if I lay him down, he will awaken, usually immediately. So instead, I take him to bed, lay down next to him, and nurse him as he wakes up. I can't get up while he sleeps. I take a nap or read. Our apartment is a mess. We have a dog and a cat which both shed profusely, and we have a hard time keeping up with it. I hate to put DS down on the floor for this reason.

Anyway, I could go on and on like this, but you get the idea. I assume (hope) that this will continue to get easier as DS learns to sit and play with things. Then comes mobility and trying to keep him out of stuff, right?

I keep speculating whether I (we) will have more children, because I can't imagine how it would be to have another one like him when he is a toddler. I'm sure that nothing would get done. I like the idea of having a couple more, but I think I would go nuts...

I've asked DF if he resents (or otherwise has a problem with) his working and my staying home. He says no. But he also laughs whenever there is any mention of SAHMs doing all the laundry/cooking/cleaning. That is very frustrating to me. I feel as though I am doing a lot here, but there is no sign of it. Keeping this baby happy takes FT effort - certainly a lot more than I expected.

 

[my2girlsmama]

Mama. Just know you are NOT alone at all!

First off, many of us either have older babes than you or more than one or whatnot...or some just come by the multitasking easier than others. Do not compare your wonderful mothering to that of anyone. What you do for your child is priceless and what he needs.

There was something I was told when I had my first 6 years ago.........let the housework go and just be the mom you need to be. And I do.

I have a dishwasher but nothing gets done until the next day usually, unloading AND loading.......many times we run out of flatware due to this. We laugh about it. My laundry is done when it piles up....now I have a clothesline so it has motivated me to do diapers and clothes more..........not much though.

I don't dust. I rarely vacuum. I do cook, but rely upon my beloved crock pot (buy one, throw anything into it and voila dinner a few hours later!), grill and fast cooking stuff like rice, pasta, veggies etc. DO we eat healthy daily-no. What can you do?

Stock up on breads, soups, cheeses, stuff you can grab fast AND make a fast meal out of. Have lot sof veggies on hand and fruits. Meats if you can too....and go from there. No need to be a chef!

Focus on what you are doing-being mom. You have the rest of your life to do the other stuff-trust me!

Good luck! Sounds like you're a great mama!

 

[jefnsean]

I can so totally relate!

My DD is high needs and for the first year it seemed that all I did was feed the baby, change the baby, and sleep with the baby.

I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me after hearing about what other mama's did! DH reminded me that our baby happened to be more demanding about her needs and that I was doing a good job.

Hang in there, mama. It does get better!!

 

[RyvreWillow]

i had a real hard time with my first baby too. It really does get better with experience though! My house is still never in order all at once, but the bathroom and floors are *usually* clean, lol. Sometimes you just have to lower your standards

I was really worried about haveing a second child, but it actually ended up being easier! I had experience behind me, plus, a toddler can entertain a baby a thousand times better than a mom can, haha!

It sounds like your hubby is pretty supportive; just make sure you always take advantage, and have him take the baby whenever he's willing! Then, you can get just a little *me time* at least

 

[Caring Touch]

I've been in the exact same boat too. My baby had severe colic and cried angrily all day. It was the pits. People would tell me it gets better with time but I honestly didn't believe them. I was very isolated and distraught over my new life.

BUT...it DOES get better with time. When your baby can do more for themselves you will look back and just marvel at how much harder it used to be.

So just hang in there and let your self judgement go. You are doing the most important job on earth, loving and guiding another human soul. The dirty house will still be there later to tend so, your baby won't.

Caring Touch

 

[desertpenguin]

When I first had ds, I didn't know anything about AP at all, and I was worried about how he never let me put him down, etc. I was glad when I finally found out about AP because it validated my parenting and I didn't feel like such a kook. Do you have a sling? I got my first sling when ds was 2 mo and it helpd tremendously. In the beginning I could make myself anything to eat because I couldn't put him down and I was home all by myself and we didn't have really any snack food. It does get better, ds is learning how to crawl right now and enjoys his floor time. I still don't get much done around the house though because I'm lazy. :LOL

 

[velochic]

Dd is high needs. I remember those days. The sling wasn't enough for her... the baby bjorn wasn't good... and when I was holding her (24/7 it seemed like), I had to be standing. I remember just dreaming about sitting down because she would only be content if she was on my hip and I was standing. I still, 3 years later, suffer from back problems because of those early days.

So, no, you're not alone and I'll be the lone dissenter here to say it does not get better. For a truly high-needs baby (child) it gets worse at they get older. These days I still have to hold dd (3.5) or she has to be on my lap or in the same room with me, usually in physical contact with me. Somehow I keep an extremely clean house and always have. How... I can't tell you. I guess I break things into tiny SAHM bits and clean when I have a couple of minutes in a room. I'm also a *from scratch* only cook. You will learn how to do this. Just start experimenting and go from there. It can be done. Break up your cooking into small bits too... chop when you can, saute when you can, assemble the dish and put it in the fridge 'til it's time to cook.

But I wouldn't change a thing and I love dd to pieces. She is high-needs at home, but in public, she is a polite, well-adjusted child that is a joy to be around. It's hard to cater to these needs, but believe me... it pays off in the end.

P.S. She still sleeps with us and usually won't sleep unless I'm in bed with her. That seems to never have an end.

 

[my2girlsmama]

I just read all the responses and wanted to add that my high needs babe came second...........we'e living it truly now. This babe wants to be in arms always, is demanding and busy as heck...fussy and doesn't sleep well........up hourly basically..........if not for nursing I'd surely die and yet nursing hourly through the night many nights is getting me too..........

But these spirited ones are totally amazing and smart and funny and just amazing! My babe is a dream....and I never forget that having lost one in between her and her big sister I prayed for ANY child and that I would be thrilled with any..and I am!

Just take it day by day and drop expectations where home and hearth are concerned..........I do. :LOL

 

[bethaneyl]

(Hugs)
Your ds sounds like mine. I very seldom get anything done around here, but I don't let it bother me anymore. I spend most of my time "entertaining" ds, sometimes I feel like a one woman circus!
What worked for me and dh was to get the house totally clean one weekend, then we just both take about 15 minutes every evening to "pick up" ......
I know what you mean about "you time" I know the last thing I want to do when ds naps is clean....I would much rather just sit and relax ....I can think of 20milion things I would rather be doing, than cleaning...yuck....!

 

[abac]

I usually do the dishes when every single one is dirty. I usually do the laundry when all the clothing is dirty (and I mean dirty, not just a liitle baby snot...that can still be worn a couple more times before being washed.) I honestly can't remember the last time I washed my floors.

The kitty litter box gets cleaned every day (by dh.)
I'm getting better with the dishes (right now, they're ALL done.

)

It's such a short time in your life. Everything else can wait.

 

[bizarrogirl]

I have a spirited kid, and I think I know how you feel. Your DC is pretty young. If you don't already have a sling or wrap or some kind of baby carrier, I'd suggest getting one! I honestly felt like I did nothing but baby entertaining until I got fed up and got really proficient with babywearing.

I was surprised to find that my DD was very entertained just watching me do everyday work and hanging around on my hip or back. I also felt like she was getting a better idea of what "real" life was like. Maybe that's preposterous for what her age was, but I ended up not only being able to get the yucky stuff done, but fun projects I wanted to do as well.

Now that my DD is a HN 2 year old and is no longer to be content being hauled around, my day is much, much more difficult. She has definite opinions on what she wants to be doing and what I should be doing and when and how and ... sigh.

 

[zannster]

I've used a Kozy carrier, and it works well for shopping. However, it doesn't work so well for just hanging around the house. DS doesn't like being in it unless I'm moving quite a bit. Also, I've only tied him on the front so far, and I can't lean forward. I already threw my back out once - not fun at all. I'm going to try putting him on my hip one of these days, when I figure out how to tie the carrier that way.

 

[LEAW]

My dd is just a few days younger than your ds, and wow, I'm hearing you loud and clear.. it's almost like we live the same life in different places.

The only thing I keep up on is the laundry. But that's only keeping it clean - we literally dress ourselves in the basement because I can't get it put away.

My dd is hn and has colic/reflux and food sensitivities (we're still figuring them out the hard way). The last few days have been true chaos, she can't nap for the discomfort from a food that is bothering her, and the 20 min. naps are the only time I can get things done.

My husband works from home 75% and so he can hold her while I eat and shower, but the rest of the day I'm pretty much on my own. He'll be leaving town tomorrow for the remainder of the week, it'll be my first time all alone. I'm actually terrified of the thought! On the days he isn't here, the dog is lucky if she can get outside to pee!

Honestly, being home is HARD, but with the lack of sleep, being at work and trying to function would be harder. I have a variety of carriers, but due to a back problem/pain, the time I can use them is pretty limited during the day, and like you, dd only wants in them if she's moving constantly.

I guess I really don't have much advice, just know you aren't alone!

Lisa

 

[zannster]

Lisa - My DF is currently working from home (he's off teaching for the summer but insists on doing research), and I hear you there. It can be frustrating - or helpful. Also, DS has food sensitivities - mainly dairy, but there are a few other questionables (egg, soy, pineapple). Are you just now working on that? He had the problem at about a month old, and it took a while of trial & error (and documenting everything) to figure it out.

 

[Leatherette]

My high needs baby is now a high needs toddler (18 mo), and I hear you. She has eczema, allergies, reflux and asthma. Taking care of her physical needs has been a full time job. She also wants to be carried all of the time. She is very moody and demanding. And she is the funniest, smartest coolest little person as well. Every day is a roller coaster, and sometimes I am ready to jump off.

You need to find something for you. I ended up getting a babysitter twice a week. It took a long time for me to be able to leave her with the babysitter, and I waited until she was comfortable with it. She loves the babysitter now. During my babysitter time I clean, cook, and do all the things that have been driving me nuts not to be able to get done, and my kids (I also have a 4 yo son) have a great time at the park with the energetic babysitter.

I have joined the Y, but she won't let me leave her in the child care room. When I have the energy to do it, I am going to take her for some visits with me and see if she gets used to it.

It does get better, but in tiny increments, and you have to work a lot to get those increments. I have always done a lot with her in the sling or back carrier. I go nuts when I just have to sit around and try to entertain her, and being out and about seems to be better for both of us.

Good luck mama.
L.

 

[LEAW]

Suzanne, yah, I noticed the dairy at 3 weeks old, cut it immediately. Discovered soy a week later, cut it too. Still things weren't right, so I took her to the pedi at 8 weeks, started on pepcid, that helped too, but things still weren't right. I ended up doing the total elimination diet (eating only rice, turkey, potatoes, pears, etc) at 12 weeks. After 2.5 weeks a lot of the problems went away - skin issues, bum rash, the screeching screams, etc. although she continued to have discomfort from the reflux and spit up a ton. I've been adding foods back in for 2 months now (I think) and one at a time we're finding out what she's sensitive to. So far - dairy, soy, pork, citrus, raspberries, cantaloupe, and I have yet to trial eggs, strawberries, and hmm.. so tired after the last few nights that I can't remember the other big one we've not tried yet.

I'm putting a call into the pedi today, I made a GI appt. a month ago - for next month! and they called and cancelled it and pushed it back for the end of July. I don't think we're going to survive that long, so hopefully the pedi can call and make an appt. sooner for me.

Lisa

 

[mamabohl]

: I could have written your post! So far both my sons have been high needs, and both in different ways! When ds#1 was a baby I kept wondering what I was doing wrong, I seemed to make having a baby So hard! All these other moms could just stick their babies in a bouncy chair and walk off, while I had to constantly keep mine entertained. Even now with 2, when I KNOW it's his temperment not my parenting, I still doubt myself. More than that though i feel jealous of other parents. I know a mother of twins the same age as my younger ds and I've watched them in the nursery before....some days I would gladly trade my 1 for her 2, and I truly believe she'd be in for a big shock. Sorry if this sounds harsh but I've been having a hard time of it lately....

Now with 2 I am able to cook dinner maybe once or twice a week, and I used to be the kind of wife who cooked dinner from scratch every day. I can't clean, I can't relax, I can barely eat... At least my first ds was a constant nurser, so I could sit on the couch and read a book or rest while he nursed, but this ds only nurses before naps and at night, so he wants me to keep him entertained all day, not just carry him!

As far as cooking, I knew how to make about 2 things when dh and I got married....we ate the same stuff over and over again for a year, lol, we were so sick of those recipes we didn't eat them again for over a year once I started learning. Just keep trying, find really detailed recipes, and eventually it will get easier. I used to hate cooking and it took me forever, now I love it.

For me it did get easier once older ds got mobile. He still wanted to be carried a lot, but I could chop veggies during his morning nap (I've been lucky enough to not have to nap with my kids...) and then when it was time to cook in the evening I would do everything I could with him in my arms and then set him down for short bursts while I did other tasks. I can still remember him worming his way between me and the kitchen counter going "eh eh eh" with his arms up in the air, lol. He is still needy, at 3 is just starting to be able to play by himself, but only because he's been forced into it by me having to take care of his brother. I was still carrying him a lot the day I had baby #2, that was something else he just had to get used to out of neccesity. You will be able to have more kids, my advice is just to wait much longer in between than someone with normal children would. My boys are exactly 2 1/2 years apart and i wish I had waited about another year.

 

[OTMomma]

I had a high needs baby (she's now almost 3), and it is hard. I will share my coping strategies-
I did feel guilty about staying home and not doing the whole clean house etc. thing. So I asked dh what one thing I could do that he would really love for me to do- I made it clear I could only do one small thing a day, but that one thing I would try to do. He picked fixing dinner each night, because he hated the days he came home and we both had no clue what to do for dinner.

I found the best way to cook dinner with the high needs baby was to cook in the crock pot. Dd had a nap almost every morning, or I could put her in the sling as I threw things in the crockpot, they were all simple and resulted in good food. If you eat meat, let me know and I'll give you some easy recipes.

I also recommend focusing on how you are providing your dc with all he needs, and don't worry about the house.
I do want another, but I too feel that spacing high needs kids close together is crazy. We are just now trying for #2- hoping for a 3.5 to 4 year age difference. Try not to think too hard about that right now.

Peace,
Laura

 

[meowee]

zannster, don't feel bad. With DS I was a human incubator for about a year. We even had to send out our laundry for a while, and we were practically broke to begin with. He was colicky, fussy, high needs. He screamed if he wasn't being held in exactly the right way all the time.

Even now, I am not much of a housekeeper. I do cook, I do my best to keep the house not a mess, but it usually is a mess, there are usually dishes in the sink, there is usually at least one shocking mess somewhere.

I feel like my job is to take care of the children. Housekeeping, beyond the bare necessities, is a whole other job unto itself. While it might be more my responsibilities than DH's, I do not break my back trying to do it.

I do break my back trying to "be there" emotionally and nurturing wise for my kids though. That's what's important.

 

[littleaugustbaby]

Babies and kids are a lot of work! Don't beat yourself up!

As for doing stuff around the house, as your DS gets older, it will get easier. When he starts to become more interested in his surroundings, you'll probably be able to put him down for longer periods here and there to get stuff done. And if not -- then don't stress, because your #1 job is to be your DS's mama, not the housekeeper.

As for the cooking thing, if it's something you're interested in doing more of, I suggest getting a crock pot, because you can throw just about anything in there and make an easy dinner. I don't use mine anymore, but it really helped me out a lot when DD was a baby! Keep some staples on hand all the time...frozen veggies, frozen chicken breasts, chicken/veggie broth, cream of mushroom soups, pastas, jarred spaghetti sauce, canned beans, rice, cous cous...you can do lots of basic stuff with these. Also, start stocking up on spices and marinades at the grocery store, buy a little bit at a time as you go, because it can get expensive doing it all at once. Also, a really good basic cookbook is the Better Homes and Gardens New Cook Book. It has a lot of basic cooking info and tips, and some really great recipes.

But most importantly, just be your son's mama. All that other stuff will manage to take care of itself, and it WILL get easier!