Well, i wrote that post on friday and it only got approved today. Friday i did have a huge meltdown, called dh at work told him to come home asap because i could not take care of the kids anymore. Luckily, he did. I stayed in bed friday and saturday while dh took care of the kids. They are 3yo and 9months. I could not nurse. I was repelled by it. Physically could not have dd#2 near me or i would feel like i was going to go into hysterics. Could hardly eat or drink. I think i only nursed 2x on friday and 1x on saturday. And my baby normally nurses on demand. Her crying just made me feel like i needed to push away more. Sunday dh got fed up and told me to leave. And i did. I drove to visit my sister. She lives several hours away. She took me out for dinner and we had a good relaxing day. I returned home at 11pm and dd#2 was crying and i felt terrible. Normally she is asleep by 9:30 or 10. I had not fed her for 15hrs. And this made me feel ashamed and that i was a terrible mother. How could i abandon my baby like that. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bag.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Bag">:<br><br>
So today, dd#2 let me have it. Crying no matter what i did. Oh, and she was realy pieved that my milk supply had dropped since she nursed so infrequently these past few days. It seemed as if she was punching my breasts as she was jumping from one to another trying to drink up every last drop.<br><br>
Hopefully it will get better soon.<br><br>
Today dh also found out that he will not get a job that he had applied for. It sounded very promising and the employer sounded realy exited to talk to him and have his resume. It turns out that he had applied to late and that the job was still being advertised even though they had already done interviews. They had offered the job to someone and were just waiting to hear back from this person when they talked to dh. If this person declined the job then dh would have had an interview. This realy sucks because this job would have been perfect for dh and it had a HUGE bonus and benefits. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry"><br><br>
I don't think i will be able to get a part time evening/weekend job here in town. There are 2 small grocery stores and 2 gas stations that are open evenings and weekends. The high school is almost out so i am sure they are flooded with resumes.<br><br>
I do have a WAHM business that i have been trying to get off the ground for a year. It is so difficult as a "newbie" to be professional and take care of children. It just seems to get more difficult as time goes by. Dc's, housework, cooking, playgroups just seem to eat up my day. I don't have a schedule to work on my business and when i do try to set one up it somehow falls apart.<br><br>
And yes, i believe i am depressed. It comes in waves. I find excercise helps. I will try to do more of it. Hard to get motivated when depressed though.. I just want to stay in bed all day.<br><br>
I guess i feel helpless. Even though my mind tells me that this situation will change, in my heart i don't believe it.<br><br>
I realy try not to be negative. I know the more i dwell on it the more miserable i get. I just feel like venting.
