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SAHM with the understanding that there is no help.
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He is.
He is stifling your interests, refusing to acknowledge that he has responsibility for the children that he helped put on this Earth, and putting his own interests before your own. He needs to straighten up. Why doesn't he want to spend time with the kids? Why can't he watch them when you just want to go for a run (which is a healthy activity!)? Has he always been like this, or has something changed recently to make him feel this way? It's not right...
Originally Posted by SugarAndSun  ? DH is saying that it was my choice to stay home and I need to just accept that the kids aren't his responsibility. This is after lots and lots of grief lately if I try to do anything outside the house. He actually doesn't seem like such a jerk IRL, but maybe he is. |
He is stifling your interests, refusing to acknowledge that he has responsibility for the children that he helped put on this Earth, and putting his own interests before your own. He needs to straighten up. Why doesn't he want to spend time with the kids? Why can't he watch them when you just want to go for a run (which is a healthy activity!)? Has he always been like this, or has something changed recently to make him feel this way? It's not right...
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This goes way beyond a SAHM issue. I think I'd be in marriage counseling, or on my way out the door. He's being incredibly disrespectful.
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Yeah that's insane. I opened this expecting you to mean he doesn't share household chores. At my house I do all the inside stuff, shopping, cooking, cleaning etc.
I'm ok with it 90% of the time, but if my husband said that since I decided to SAH (he totally wanted me to btw) that the kids were MY sole responsibility I think I'd suddenly be taken over by the spirit of Lorena Bobbit.
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The only time the kids aren't his responsibility is when he is AT WORK. (And even then because ultimately he's providing for HIS responsibilities aka children.)
Alright I'll stop.
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I'm ok with it 90% of the time, but if my husband said that since I decided to SAH (he totally wanted me to btw) that the kids were MY sole responsibility I think I'd suddenly be taken over by the spirit of Lorena Bobbit.
The only time the kids aren't his responsibility is when he is AT WORK. (And even then because ultimately he's providing for HIS responsibilities aka children.)
Alright I'll stop.
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This. Why does he think it's fair for him to have a 40 hour/week job and you to have a 24/7 one?
Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior The only time the kids aren't his responsibility is when he is AT WORK. (And even then because ultimately he's providing for HIS responsibilities aka children.) |
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I do all cleaning, laundry, etc. I don't even discuss stuff like that anymore. I think this has developed since we started having less money. He kinda feels like a martyr to be working while I'm not... especially since I couldn't find a job that paid well when I tried. It sorta set an understanding that he HAS to be the "provider".
I think he would watch them once in a while, but it has to always be on his terms. I can never plan or ask or it turns into the biggest deal. It has definitely gotten worse. He used to be pretty good about splitting, or at least sharing, free time.
Now that I wrote this, I think it totally has to do with the job stuff I mentioned above. Ugh... this being grown up stuff is a PITA!!!!
I think he would watch them once in a while, but it has to always be on his terms. I can never plan or ask or it turns into the biggest deal. It has definitely gotten worse. He used to be pretty good about splitting, or at least sharing, free time.
Now that I wrote this, I think it totally has to do with the job stuff I mentioned above. Ugh... this being grown up stuff is a PITA!!!!
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Well, my DH sometimes takes the cake for being an insensitive jerk (a lot of it is him just being clueless and insensitive...he has to be asked everything and things need to be pointed out for him to do something most of the time).
But he has never inferred or said that kids aren't his responsibility, even when I was a SAHM.
Now, he'd work late without considering the impact on me. He never took sick leave to help me out when I was sick. Pretty much all the child rearing activities fell on me unless I asked him to help. But he never outrightly said he wouldn't help because I was a SAHM.
That has to be very, very hard.
Now, that said, I know plenty of SAHMs who are expected to do the bulk of the cleaning, household chores, and errands because they stay at home. I really think that's crap.
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In fact, when I was a SAHM, I left some household chores undone for my husband to do because I was busy caring for our child and I didn't want to spend all my time cleaning at the expense of our child.
More on topic to your post, though, I found it very difficult to be a SAHM and still do things on my own like running, or go to a yoga class, or see friends, or whatever.
DH worked late often, and I had zero family support system...no reliable grandparents, etc who helped once in a while. So, I do feel it was easier to pursue my own interests when I worked for a paycheck because I could pay a babysitter, etc.
DH was opposed to having a babysitter when I was a SAHM. It was redundant to him.
But he has never inferred or said that kids aren't his responsibility, even when I was a SAHM.
Now, he'd work late without considering the impact on me. He never took sick leave to help me out when I was sick. Pretty much all the child rearing activities fell on me unless I asked him to help. But he never outrightly said he wouldn't help because I was a SAHM.
That has to be very, very hard.
Now, that said, I know plenty of SAHMs who are expected to do the bulk of the cleaning, household chores, and errands because they stay at home. I really think that's crap.
In fact, when I was a SAHM, I left some household chores undone for my husband to do because I was busy caring for our child and I didn't want to spend all my time cleaning at the expense of our child.
More on topic to your post, though, I found it very difficult to be a SAHM and still do things on my own like running, or go to a yoga class, or see friends, or whatever.
DH worked late often, and I had zero family support system...no reliable grandparents, etc who helped once in a while. So, I do feel it was easier to pursue my own interests when I worked for a paycheck because I could pay a babysitter, etc.
DH was opposed to having a babysitter when I was a SAHM. It was redundant to him.
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Yes, my DH, too.
He didn't like it at all, but he felt it was a huge sacrifice on his part and something I needed to be extremely thankful for everyday no matter how he acted. In a lot of ways, I think he used it as a way to get away with other things I didn't like.
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Originally Posted by SugarAndSun He kinda feels like a martyr to be working while I'm not... |
He didn't like it at all, but he felt it was a huge sacrifice on his part and something I needed to be extremely thankful for everyday no matter how he acted. In a lot of ways, I think he used it as a way to get away with other things I didn't like.
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I do 98% of the household work, but when DH is home I am not expected to keep the child away from him or anything, and if I need a nap he'll keep him away from me as best he can. There isn't time for me to go do anything by myself, we run errands or do fun things as a family or we don't do them.
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See I can't work the fun thing as a family. I tried that and it just equalled... you're not going anywhere... oh I'm leaving then. I would say he felt like I was doing more then, now he thinks of me as doing nothing, but that's how I started doing everything by myself for fun. If I didn't leave, he would.
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What she said. He does sound like a jerk. The kids aren't his responsibilty?? Who fathered them? Puh-lease.
But I can't imagine that you going back to work would make things any better. Not with this guy. Just think: you'd have to bust your tush at work all day, then come back and do everything at home.
Now, if you're wanting to go back to work so as to be on better financial footing if you decide to leave him, that's a whole different situation.
Originally Posted by Storm Bride This goes way beyond a SAHM issue. I think I'd be in marriage counseling, or on my way out the door. He's being incredibly disrespectful. |
But I can't imagine that you going back to work would make things any better. Not with this guy. Just think: you'd have to bust your tush at work all day, then come back and do everything at home.
Now, if you're wanting to go back to work so as to be on better financial footing if you decide to leave him, that's a whole different situation.
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This is interesting.
I have often wondered about my DH's general lack of respect for SAHPs (not just me, but other SAHPs he knows). He thinks it's a way to avoid working.
His own mother was a SAHP for most of his childhood. She's not clueless and I think her family respects her from what I can see, but I've still often wondered about the connection between DH having had a SAHM himself and his general disrespect for SAHPs.
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It's kind of baffling. Unless...my theory is that he took having a SAHP for granted as a child, and as an adult he just doesn't want the responsibility of being the sole breadwinner/provider. It's easier for him if he's not.
Originally Posted by SugarAndSun The thing is with DH is that his mom was a SAHM. However, she was also clueless and no one has any respect for her. She can't do anything sensible on her own. I think his childhood experience makes it impossible for him to be consistently respectful to me. |
I have often wondered about my DH's general lack of respect for SAHPs (not just me, but other SAHPs he knows). He thinks it's a way to avoid working.
His own mother was a SAHP for most of his childhood. She's not clueless and I think her family respects her from what I can see, but I've still often wondered about the connection between DH having had a SAHM himself and his general disrespect for SAHPs.
It's kind of baffling. Unless...my theory is that he took having a SAHP for granted as a child, and as an adult he just doesn't want the responsibility of being the sole breadwinner/provider. It's easier for him if he's not.
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Originally Posted by zinemama But I can't imagine that you going back to work would make things any better. Not with this guy. Just think: you'd have to bust your tush at work all day, then come back and do everything at home. Now, if you're wanting to go back to work so as to be on better financial footing if you decide to leave him, that's a whole different situation. |
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That's ridiculous.
Of corse the kids are his responsibility, they are his and yours as much, 24/7.
I would tell him to get it together, or he'd be kicked out.
I'm not interested in having yet another child in my house.
A partner is someone equal, you both have equal responsibility for both kids and housework and should contribute as much. I would never live with/accept something as stupid as the described situation in the OP.
Of corse the kids are his responsibility, they are his and yours as much, 24/7.
I would tell him to get it together, or he'd be kicked out.
I'm not interested in having yet another child in my house.
A partner is someone equal, you both have equal responsibility for both kids and housework and should contribute as much. I would never live with/accept something as stupid as the described situation in the OP.
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Don't you dare! You qualified for the Boston marathon, that's a huge deal. You need to run. You have lots of time to find a babysitter if dh is still acting like this in the fall.
And if you're anything like me, you are a nicer person when you run regularly!
Originally Posted by SugarAndSun I was planning to do a few races in Sept. and Oct. for which I am already registered, but I think I may avoid the stress and forget them. |
And if you're anything like me, you are a nicer person when you run regularly!
Honestly, I would try to work on your marriage if your descriptions of your dh are accurate (I'm assuming they are). It's not good to let things like this fester, or to just wait it out until a better time. Every marriage takes work, and every marriage has something that will really hurt it if left unaddressed. Would he ever consider seeing a counselor or other advisor with you?
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This is not a matter of whether or not you should work. This is amatter of whether or not you should be in this marriage. It's totally unfair that you have to play by his rules. Have a sitdown with him. Tell him that you feel like a nonperson, that you feel completely disrespected, and ask him how he feels about hte marriage. I had this convo with my dh 2 years ago and it was a HUGE eye opener for him. He honestly had no idea he was being such a jerk to me. he was only seeing things through his own eyes, and making a lot of very wrong assumptions about me. But becasue i let him do it and never really talked it out with him, he never knew.
Now, we are happier than we've ever been. Happier than I ever thought we would be.
Good luck.
Now, we are happier than we've ever been. Happier than I ever thought we would be.
Good luck.
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Sounds about right to me.
Originally Posted by zinemama But I can't imagine that you going back to work would make things any better. Not with this guy. Just think: you'd have to bust your tush at work all day, then come back and do everything at home. |
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