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Hah, could my title be any longer? No sure how to phrase it more succinctly... and if there already is a tribe like this please direct me to it but I would love to start a support thread for stay at home parents whose partners work very long and/or unpredictable hours (say in the medical or IT fields).<br><br>
I am really struggling to adapt to my husband's 100+ hour work weeks and weekends where he has to go in for a "few hours" and then mine and the kids' weekend is scrapped because we spend all day waiting for him to come home, which if he does is late. Even when he is at home my DH is working or thinking about work. I understand that he has to do this to provide himself with job security and he is at the point in his career where he HAS to work like this to advance his career so I am not resentful of him but I am very lonely, sad, and frustrated (at the situation, not him) that I never get a break. I have a mostly nonverbal 2.5 yo DS and a 6 month old DD and I am burnt out. I am thinking about hiring someone to either help with the house or just watch the kids for an hour while I go to things like dental appointments or take a shower but I feel guilty for not being able to "keep up". The most difficult thing to deal with is probably the unpredictability of his schedule. He works in the IT field and if something HAS to be fixed in his company it falls to him. Which it does, all the time. His days have gone from 8-5 to 7-9 most days (missing his kids go to sleep, only seeing them in the morning), working through the night and "some Saturdays" has turned into every Saturday and some Sundays. He is upset by the situation but there is nothing he can do. I miss my husband and can't handle never having a break, a second to myself, to recharge and be a better parent.<br><br>
Anyone else out there dealing with this?
 

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Well, I am a WAHM, but just since dd was 2 (so for the last year). Dp owns his own small business, and yes, works long, often completely unpredictable hours-and I SO here you on those many times when he just has to run in for "a few minutes" which turns into hours. In some ways, it has gotten better since I started working from home, since I no longer am alone from the time the kids wake up until after they are in bed, but it also hard for me to get all my work done because he is often late getting home for me to work if something comes up for him. (I make my own hours, but do need to work a certain amount). So, no it's not just you, and I feel your pain! I would totally get some help if you can afford it-unfortunately we definitely cannot, so I just try to stay positive and not get resentful, which can be hard to do, even though I know he is out there working really hard too, just in a different way that I am! Good luck! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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Exact same here. DH also works in IT, but he owns his own company so everything falls to him. My oldest is 7 now and basically I stopped waiting on him years ago, I plan our (kids and mine) lives/days now and either DH is around or he isn't but it sure beats sitting around waiting on him. After being mostly a SAHM all this time, I picked up a small job this year, I just needed something that was mine. I work mostly from home around my kids schedule so I straddle the SAHM and working boards. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="innocent"><br><br><br><br>
After #3 was born, I started using sitters, it was the only way to be in 3 places at once without never being able to count on DH. My life improved so much when I did stop counting on DH's help, now when he is around it is great but I also know I am capable of doing it through other means. Hang in there it is rough!
 

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I'm a WAHM and SO owns his own company as well and he has an unpredictable schedule, it's not really about the long hours anymore in that sense he has more freedom.<br><br>
But we divorced and I was by myself with DD for a year, now we are back together and I'm used to not have him at home at times. I know how to do things by myself and I know what to expect. At this time I have a lady that keeps the house tidy which I am horrible at, and a sitter that helps me with DD sometimes.<br>
At first I went through hell, I hated being alone and I couldn't get anything done and DD being a toddler didn't helped much either.<br><br>
Getting help it's your best bet if you can afford it.
 

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I am also a SAHM married to an IT guy who works long hours and does the jobs of 5 people. Seriously...they just did layoffs and he survived them because he's awesome at his job, but sometimes I don't feel like it is worth it. I constantly feel like I'm waiting on him. I don't know why I do that anymore! I also really wish I had some sort of gig of my own, but I don't have the time. My girls are 4 and 7 and I'm homeschooling them. I haven't hired help, because I also feel like it is my job and I should be able to keep up. Coming from a pretty poor family, it also feels like something that regular people just don't do. I don't have any good advice, just empathy.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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Another IT widow here. Thanks for the thread <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy">. I hear DH pulling into the drive now (at 10:30pm here) so I'll bbl.
 

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IT widow's! Not there is a tribe for you!<br><br>
Yep, my DH is in IT. I took his pager once and smashed it to bits. Um yeah, that was a temper tantrum on my part huh? But in the moment I was like... "You aren't a doctor, no one is dieing! They can WAIT a few minutes!" Work just gave him another one with no questions LOL!<br><br>
A friend of mine threw her husband's pager out the car window as he was checking messages as he drove her to the hospital... in labor.<br><br>
We moved about 3 years ago. Actually, 3 years ago this weekend! LOL! He had vacation time saved up to use to move. We had no phone service, and internet connection, nothing. So he couldn't do anything if he WANTED to! And since it was vacation he turned off his cell phone and pager. Well, guess what they did. THEY CAME AND FOUND HIM! Drove to our NEW house on a Sunday morning at 8:45am as we were headed out the door to church. I just couldn't believe it. My poor DH.<br><br>
My DH is on call 24/7/365! He works on New Years Ever at midnight because he has to do whatever to keep the ball rolling as the clock turns over to the new year.<br><br>
He frequently works all nighters (migrations as they call) coming to bed at 4 or 5 in the morning only to get up and do it all again.<br><br>
It is exhausting and frustrating and I'm so done with it. We don't wait for him any more. Life just moves on and he gets left behind. What else am I going to do?
 

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You know, I generally find people don't think it's possible to work 100+ hours a week and think 50-60 is torture, so I am loving this thread. My dh is military. Generally he is gone from before we wake up to after we go to bed and one weekend day, but the last few weeks he has been home around 6pm most days that he is able to come home because they are getting ready to go on deployment.<br><br>
He was in school when my first two were born/little. I don't know how I would have delt with him being gone so much then! It's much easier now that I have a 7yo and a 5yo in addition to my younger two. Also, I'm "lucky" that he is actually gone 6+ months out of the year, I hate to say I'm lucky to have him gone and I certainly prefer that he is home but for someone who spends so little time actually here he sure does add extra work. It's so much easier to keep up when it's just me and the kids. I also hate doing any kind of housework when he's here because I want to be spending time with him, so on the weeks that he has both weekend days off Mondays are a bear. Also, there's no waiting around for him because I know he's not coming home! Peony's got some great advice there, when my dh is home we do stay close to home when he is supposed to only be at work for "a little bit" but it would make me crazy to do that all year long. Right now we're waiting on him, he's supposed to be on leave today but had to go in for "a little bit" and it's not bad because I know he will be home by noon (or at least, I feel very strongly that he will be home by noon) because there are several things we have to get done during a regular work day before they leave and this is the only day he is taking off. Go do fun stuff with your kids, it's so empowering and much nicer (for everyone! your dh included) to just go out and do it without him. He can join you when he can or he can go home and get some much needed sleep, but you'll all have a better day than you would just sitting around waiting for him.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/biglaugh.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="laugh"> I think I needed this thread just as much as the OP did. I can so relate to everyone's stories. A 60 hour work week is a very good one, those don't happen that often. I smashed my phone once when DD1 was a screaming baby who hadn't slept in 2 days and I hadn't seen DH in 4, he called to say he wouldn't be home that night until late. He spent my entire labor with DD1 on the phone, she was born at 38 weeks, he wasn't expecting her then, and he spent the whole day telling everyone that as soon as my labor stopped he would be into work. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"> I made very clear with the next two children that if I ever saw a cell phone during those labors that it would end up in the birth tub with me. As I was typing this I got a call from an employee who couldn't get through to DH's cell so he calls me to see if I am around DH.<br><br><br>
365/24 on call sucks. People even call on X-Mas, can't you at least let my kids open their presents first, really? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">
 

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Seriously, hire some help! You're not going to win any awards for burning yourself out, you need to go to appointments, it might be nice to do a food shopping alone.<br><br>
DH owned an IT company, and like everyone else, only HE could do such and such a job. Now that he's sold it (he still runs it) and has a staff of about 100, he's still the only person that can do his job. I get frustrated a lot, this week alone, he's away three nights. I do have a lot of help now though and it's saved my bacon. I'm able to get a lot of things accomplished, plus sneak in a little me time so I can be recharged for the kids.<br><br>
My friends are also a good lifeline to counter the lack of adult interaction. We'll often send emails back and forth (they're all WOHM thankfully with jobs where they can chat like that) I do have a couple of other SAHM friends which I try to get together with and a really good friend who lives down the street, but doesn't have any kids. She works with kids extensively and will often hang out with us for one of the nights DH is away.<br><br>
I am pretty bossy about our free time and family time being OUR time. Most of his staff and colleagues respect this. His assistant is amazing, and a mother herself so together, we boss DH around *G*. Also, I take time for myself when DH is home too. Even if it's just locking myself in the bedroom with a book, or sending all the boys outside. We do lots of family things together too.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sanguine_speed</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15414123"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Mama, I'm going to say this gently and I know I may be VERY wrong. I just know I've seen this elsewhere.<br><br>
Is it possible that your dh has some control over his work schedule? Is it possible you don't know the whole story?<br>
It is not sustainable to work 100 hours a week including 7 days a week many weeks while leaving your young family home alone.<br>
Is it possible that your dh chooses to work more than he <i>really</i> needs to?</div>
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Thanks for the concern, I understand where you're coming from but no, he does not choose to work any more than what keeps him from being fired. He spent the morning with us this morning because he was working from 9 a.m. Sunday- 2:30 a.m. Monday. He has freedom in that he doesn't get "in trouble" if he isn't there at 8 a.m. sharp every morning but there is ALWAYS something else to do and his company is growing at a pace that they simply can't keep up with. My husband is a great father and loves being with us, it is hard on him to work extremely long hours not just from an exhaustion standpoint, but he would MUCH rather spend his time with us.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mom2cash</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15415065"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Thanks for the concern, I understand where you're coming from but no, he does not choose to work any more than what keeps him from being fired. He spent the morning with us this morning because he was working from 9 a.m. Sunday- 2:30 a.m. Monday. He has freedom in that he doesn't get "in trouble" if he isn't there at 8 a.m. sharp every morning but there is ALWAYS something else to do and his company is growing at a pace that they simply can't keep up with. My husband is a great father and loves being with us, it is hard on him to work extremely long hours not just from an exhaustion standpoint, but he would MUCH rather spend his time with us.</div>
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Thanks for taking my post as gently as I truly meant it <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="innocent">.<br>
It sounds like you have a lot of company here. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> all around.
 

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Back again. OK, so we probably get a lot more time with DH than others in this thread. He normally doesn't leave for work until about 10am so we have plenty of "Daddy time" in the mornings. The (somewhat) isolating thing for me though is that <i>no-one</i> else I know irl has wohp who isn't home by 6:30pm, usually much earlier. DH is <i>never</i> home by then. It's compounded by DD being a bit of a night-owl child who doesn't usually fall asleep before 9:30pm, often later. So when she was a toddler who napped in the afternoon and woke up around the time other kids were about to have dinner and start to get ready for bed we were desperate for a play date. In Summer we still had a couple of hours of park time before dark but no-one to play with. Everyone else has family time in the evenings yk?<br>
OK, enough poor me <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br>
The unpredictability is the most annoying (but at the same time most understandable) thing. Like DH will say he'll be home at x time, he'll even leave to start driving home. Then something crashes and they'll call him back, I get a text and don't see him until 2am. Doesn't happen often but it's hard if DD was expecting him.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>greenmamapagan</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15416914"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">The unpredictability is the most annoying (but at the same time most understandable) thing. Like DH will say he'll be home at x time, he'll even leave to start driving home. <b>Then something crashes and they'll call him back, I get a text and don't see him until 2am.</b> Doesn't happen often but it's hard if DD was expecting him.</div>
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YES. So frustrating, but I've learned to deal with it a bit better. The other night he was supposed to *really* try to be home by 7 so we could do a date night (only the 2nd one in 3 years) in celebration of his birthday while my BIL and SIL watched the kids. I thought he was going to make it on time, older DS was in bed, 6mo DD was nursed and happy, he texted me he was headed home a little late but not too bad. Then I get a text a half hour later that he was just then leaving <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">. I wasn't mad at him but I was bummed we had to rush through dinner and only have an hour together instead of the 2.5 hours we would have had if he had been able to make it on time. Ah well, at least we go an hour <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">.<br><br>
Another thing that is frustrating is trying to explain to family and friends our situation... he missed his mom's birthday party and when we were setting up a bbq for his birthday/Mother's Day (He was born on Mother's Day<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">) my SIL was very insistent that he be there. I was like, "Uh, we can plan all we want and he will try but it is really outside of his control sometimes and I cannot *make* him be there any more than he can make clients magically stop blowing up his phone with texts and phone calls and threats of terminating their service when servers crash." And I'm pretty sure our neighbors think we are the most anti-social people in the neighborhood because we rarely make it to neighborhood get-togethers.<br><br>
I love this thread, glad I'm not alone <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy">.
 

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I am a sahm and dh is gone all but one weekend a month unless he passes through this way.<br><br>
You definately sound like you could use a break.Hire a mommy helper or perhaps find another mom who would be willing to swap childcare with you.I don't always do it,but there are times when dh is home that I might leave the kids at home so I can do errands alone.<br><br>
Now that my kids are older and currently in private school I have a few hours to myself each day unless I am doing volunteer duties at their school(required).If I go back to homeschooling it will be similar to when they were younger,but they will need less constant care.<br><br>
I usually try to let my dh relax while he is home.I want to do a lot,but I know he needs his time too.<br><br>
Another option is working out at the Y and having the kids in their childcare room.I don't know the ages they require,but it would seem like a good thing so you can unwind a bit.<br><br>
All this will pass and you won't even remember how hard it was,or how you managed to get through it! Nothing at all wrong with changing things around to make your daily life better.<br>
Best wishes!
 

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Unlike most of you, my DH is in social services, working with families and kids that are at risk of being taken from the home due to behavioral/emotional issues. He works 5-6 days a week, and although his weekly hours aren't long at all, the unpredictability of his hours drives me insane most days. He's basically at the mercy of the families, so if they cancel, or want to reschedule for a different time/day, he has to go with what they want. He just missed our 37-week home visit with the midwives, and we had to cancel the bellycasting we were going to do because he wasn't there. Monday night, one of his clients went into crisis just before he left their house at 8pm, and he ended up staying there for two more hours until the kid could be taken to the hospital for evaluation (basically whether his behavior was horrible enough to get him sent to a residential facility). His schedule is so erratic and unpredictable that I literally have no idea on a daily basis on when he's leaving for work or coming home at night. We have a calendar that his "proposed" schedule gets put on, but it is so far away from the actual reality that I can't stand it sometimes. Most days I wish he'd work a boring 9-5 job just for the security of knowing that at 5:30pm, he'd be home for the night. I think that this unpredictability has really influenced our schedule at home, because DD and i really have no set routines or schedules. Dinner could be at 6pm one evening and 10pm the next, mostly because DH is the one who cooks the dinners. It's so difficult to plan anything, because even on his days off, he sometimes has to work to make sure he gets all his billable hours (face to face hours with clients) to keep his full-time benefits.<br><br>
Sorry I'm rambling and venting, but it's nice to know that I'm not the only one struggling with chaos. I think my biggest problem is that I don't want to do things without him and at 37 weeks pregnant, there's not much I can do without him. So having me and DD do our own thing is very hard right now, and I don't see it getting any easier when this little one arrives...Any suggestions?
 

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I am a SAHM and my DH is military and we never know WHAT his work schedule is going to be, short day or long day or really really long day... or gone for a week or a month or a year. I have a 25 month old and an 11 month old and I am pregnant with our 3rd and it REALLY sucks sometimes. I think the hardest is that sometimes he is home early for a few days in a row and then just... gone 12+ hours a day. We are lucky that he gets some flexibility to go to appointments and such but as he gets higher ranking it is just getting worse.
 

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My husband used to be a Marine (Okay I guess technically still is. You know once a Marine always a Marine). He was deployed a lot 6 months out of the year some times 9. He had 3 back to back deployments. When he was home, he worked 14-15 hours a day plus ttwice a month 24 hours duties. I used to think it was awful. I miss those days. Now he works at least 80 hours a week. He tries to always have sundays off but his crazy work thought it would be better for the family if every 4 weeks he got the weekend. Um someone cannot do math, every sunday off equals 4 days at least a month off. One weekend a month equals two days a month so his work effectively cut his time off in half.<br><br>
The other thing I missed when he was a Marine was 96s for every federal holiday. It was nice to have a 4 day weekend. He also would work a lot less the 6 weeks coming home plus he got 4 weeks off a year. Also if he needed to go to the doctor or exercise those things were done on the Marine Corps time not his personal time. Unlike now all those things have to be scheduled during his precious time home.
 

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DH ran a small business when our oldest was little. I had to learn to not count on him. Housework is what I hated the most so I hired a lady to come and clean. We have a small ranch it cost me $30 a visit. I also joined a babysitting co-op so I could go to appointments, have time for me etc. I still belong to a co-op. I am fortunate that I have older children now who help with the baby. DH is in the public sector now but he is still on call 24/7. His phone worked on an island in the caribean. I was ready to throw it in the ocean. I do make him turn it off twice a year. My birthday and our anniversary, but that was only after putting up with it for 15 years.
 
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