[cherimoya]

ds is 6 in May. In the past week or so ds has, seemingly out-of-the-blue, cried about dying. He tells us that he's scared of dying. We tell him that he's got at least another 90-100 years left to live (we realize that he probably doesn't understand length of years/time). He was asking us if superheros were real and whether they can live forever etc. In our conversations we've tried different things, first just talked about death in a matter-of-fact type of way, then kind of laughed it off (for example, "oh, you're fine, you've got LOTS of years left").

We've also just gone through a major move from USA, to Canada for 10 days and now relocated to Australia. He's dealt with the move really well. I don't think this death talk has anything to do with the move specifically...but maybe?

So he's exploring the idea/fact of death. I think this is normal. No one has died in our family, but I'm thinking that eventually kids must realize that death is a reality. Is this normal, or common, for a child this age to be so upset about it? He cries and seems a bit panicky about the fact that he will die eventually, and that we'll probably die first since we're older then him.

We don't believe in God, heaven etc. Is there a *better* way to discuss death to a child (I mean better or different way than what we've tried) OR is this just a phase and something that ds just needs to think about etc?

 

[meemee]

very normal.

what kids want about death from you are two things

- knowledge
- emotional support

as your son cries he just wants you to empathise with him as he sorts out his feelings about death.

what is your most important contribution?
honesty - simple, pure honesty. when you dont know say you dont know.

along with death he is also questioning what is real and what is not. figure out what you want to say. what your philosophy is.

the 'normal' age kids bring up death is from around 3 to 7.

when he says he is scared of his parents dying, he is mainly saying 'what is going to happen to me when you die' a good time for you to figure out that answer yourself and then tell him.

when he says he is scared of dying he is expressing his fear of the unknown. i would not tell him he's got 90 to a 100 years. you dont know. that's what you hope for. when my dd asked me if i was going to die, i told her eventually. everyone dies. but i hope i will be around long enough to watch her grow up. when she asked me about her death, i told her yeah you could die tomorrow but i hope she lives for a very long time. we have also discussed if she dies, even though i will never be the same again, but i will carry on.

the thing is usually the exploration of death follows a kind of pattern. first what your son is expressing. he doesnt really know what it is. so he is expressing his fear of the unknown. his fear is not really about dying. his fear is growing up. its about discovering that what he knew as a kid is not true. he has entered the real world, is having realisations and its a shock to see how different it is. so he wants assurances. no superheroes like spiderman does not exist, but the spirit of spiderman exists. or yes spiderman does exist, but not as the cartoon character but a desire to help others in need. like the person who jumps into the water to save a drowning child. he just exists in a different form.

when my dd started asking about what happens afterwards i said i dont really know. i told her but many people believe -- and i told her the different things people believe. even the atheiests view.

even though his questions are about death, they really arent. they are more about how to work with the unknown. and you as a parent can share you are at the same place as he is, dont know any more or any less. you are as scared as he is - but its ok. you dont live with the fear living in you all the time. you will cross the bridge when you come to it.

you know your child best. you are with your child way more many hours than anyone else. you have gone thru all the emotions, the ups and down with your child. you know best. no matter how many books you read or read to him (we didnt read any btw) ultimately you have to figure out the answers. there is no 'better' way. yes it is a phase that could last a month or so or could last years on and off. for me along with my dd it was also an exploration about my feelings around death.

if you do a search you will find countless no. of threads on death here. right now all he wants to know is how do i deal with these emotions that are coming up for me.

hang in there mama. you can do it.

these conversations are some of my favourite times with my dd. it is one of the things that has deepened the bonds between dd and me.

 

[cherimoya]

Thanks for the reply meemee. ds woke up this morning and told us he had a bad-dream; something about mum & dad were there and a 5.5 year old boy (not him) died. We hugged him, both dh & I talked to him about the dream. Then he went upstairs to hang out with his Aunty and turns out they talked about death too and my sister told me later that she created a time line with foam letters (each letter = 5 years) and she showed him where he was, where Mum & Dad was on the time line, were grandparents were etc.....where high-school and Uni would be etc......it seemed to help him a lot. I think we're slowly figuring out that this is something that he's interested in and just wants to talk about it and try to understand it and explore his and our feelings etc. It's been interesting for us. I guess we just weren't expecting it just yet.

 

[gingerstar]

Sounds like you are doing well, just providing him with ways to understand it - which even adults (me!) struggle with.

When my dad died, our hospice gave us a book by Marc Brown (author of Arthur) called When Dinosaurs Die which was very helpful to my kids, especially my middle DD who was 5.5 and very upset. It isn't a story, but a low-key way of explaining death to kids, with lots of pictures of dinosaur children and parents and teachers talking.

It may be helpful for him, and it is set up as a good conversation starter for parents and kids.

 

[lucysmom]

I had the same panic at the same age (about me dying & my parents dying. Completely unacceptable!). It never really left me ........... until my mom died a few years ago when I was 39. Suddenly I could accept the inevitability of death and how it is a part of life.

The fact that I was terrified of my own death & my parents' did not prevent me from being an emotionally stable and very happy person for the rest of my childhood & early adult years, so don't worry -- even if you can't fix this for your child, he can still have a great life!

I recall the most helpful thing an adult said to me (I used to come out of my bedroom after an hour of lying awake in horror about death, saying "I don't want to die!") was when my mom told me "I know it's hard to imagine now, when you are so young, but I imagine when most of us get old enough to die, it doesn't seem as terrible for life to be ending, because we have done and experienced so much. We might get a little bit tired." I know now that she did not feel that way when she actually died, but when I was five, that idea helped me quite a bit (the idea that when it actually happened, I might feel less awful about it).

Your kid is just in good touch with the existential mysteries, and he is right, it is scary and breathtakingly huge ... hugs and empathy are the best you can offer, I think.