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Scared to TTC

686 Views 6 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  snozzberry
Our little one is turning one year old in just a few days. Dh and I are both hoping for a large family - we'd love to have 4-8 children. Having dd has only cemented how much we want more children.

I've had three miscarriages. I have suspected endometriosis (except I don't suspect; I'm certain - it's only "suspected" because I didn't see the point in having a laparoscopy simply to diagnose it). It took 9 months to conceive dd, which I suppose doesn't sound like that much, but I remember all the heartbreak. I remember how hard it was to see other mamas with babes and pregnant women, wondering if I'd ever have a baby of my own. And somehow, having a child only makes those desires, needs, and potential sadness greater.

I'm honestly just terrified of a miscarriage. They were bad enough when everything was so hypothetical and new. But now that I've had a baby, I know from the moment I know I'm pregnant I'll be completely attached. With dd, I had a hard time believing she was real at all until she was born, and I had no attachment until well into the 3rd trimester. I was so afraid of losing her that I kept a distance there. But I don't think that will ever be possible again, because I know how wonderful it is to have a child. My prior miscarriages all laid me out for a couple of days (emotionally and physically). I don't even want to think about how devastated I'd be now.

And the waiting. Waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Seeing stark white BFNs, cycle after cycle. Hoping, hoping, interpreting every little twinge as a pregnancy sign or symptom, and then . . . nothing. A white test or bleeding, depending on how long I can force myself to wait to test.

Knowing that the stress, which I can't avoid and which is inherent in TTC, is itself making it harder to TTC. Adding to the guilt. That this is my fault, my body that just doesn't work quite right. Seeing others get pregnant and move to other boards, talk about pregnancy symptoms, get excited, start planning and designing a nursery or moving furniture around, painting rooms, preparing for birth, and giving birth, all while I'm still waiting to see two lines.

Going crazy on clomid. Being totally psychotically out of control; really losing my temper and throwing something for the very first time in my life. Treating my husband really, really badly. Feeling like I'm going insane. Hoping desperately for a BFP. Nothing.

And then finally, giving up in despair. Realizing I'm probably never going to have a child/more children. Walking away. Feeling despondent. Hating and resenting everyone and anyone who IS pregnant, or has a baby. Wanted them to all just disappear. Hiding in my life, telling myself that what I have is great, and I don't need anything more. Grieving and moving on. Realizing I really was happy, and had a great life, and that children/more children just aren't something I need to feel happy, fulfilled, and enjoy my life.

Last time, I reached that point and then, of course, was pregnant with dd.

I just don't want to go through that again. We already had one "sort of" trying cycle in January, and in spite of my best efforts, I was totally and completely obsessed again. It is so hard. I don't want to go through it again. We both want more children so much. My heart aches to meet our children. But I also sit here with such trepidation because we're about to start that awful, miserable, painful, lonely journey again. That journey where people won't freaking stop saying "It'll happen at some point, don't worry." "Why do you feel like you need to rush things?" "Just be thankful you already have a child." "You're too young to have a second child." "Maybe a miscarriage would be a good thing right now." "Once you stop worrying about it, you'll get pregnant in a minute!" "I bet if you took better care of yourself, you'd be pregnant." "I had a child when I was 36, so why are you trying to have a second at 26? You have lots of time. You should wait."

And on and on and on.

I'm so scared to do this all over again. It's so hard. I guess I just need a little encouragement to get the courage to take the plunge once again. I don't want to wait any longer to ttc. But I'm also scared of what all that means. Thanks for listening.

dd 11 mos
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to you mama! TTC is an emotional rollercoaster, that's for sure.

I was in your shoes last year-I knew in my heart I had endometriosis, but didn't want to go through a laparoscopy just to "prove" it. I ended up going through with it, with some gentle encouragement. Can I gently encourage you to do the same?

First, you will have an official diagnosis. For many, this doesn't mean anything. For me, all I had to do was say "endometriosis" to my insurance and they okayed a lot more things without jumping through hoops. Secondly, I have a copy of my surgery report and I now know the exact location of the endometriosis they removed and where the remaining endometriosis is. This will be immensely helpful as it could affect my pregnancy/labor/delivery. (A little side note-you need to find a provider that is prepared remove all of it. The reason mine didn't was that some of it was in a location that my doctor didn't feel comfortable removing without another specialist there because it had to do with my colon. End of side note!) Also, I found out that Clomid really isn't the best treatment for people with endometriosis. I don't remember specifics, but it has something to do with estrogen overload. If you look around on the internet, you can find more information on this.

DH and I have have been trying for over six months, which seems like an eternity, but really isn't. However, there are also women that have been trying for a year or more-their determination is so inspiring to me and is a constant reminder what a miracle this all is. I also try not to blame my body/condition-I figure that God created me this way for a reason. I know for sure that I will never, ever take any of this for granted. I am so blessed to have a wonderful husband, excellent medical care, and such supportive family and friends. We will embrace whichever way God decides to grow our family.

To get to that point, I had to cleanse myself of all of the hatred and anger I had built up inside towards others. Let me tell you, it has made a world of difference! These ladies on this board are wonderful, too-I encourage you to visit the ONE thread and get to know all of us!

Good luck as you begin this journey!
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Thank you for your encouragement.
I don't think I want a laparoscopy, though - my former OB was very willing to order all kinds of tests, etc. and my health insurance actually doesn't pay for any infertility-related care, so it has to be coded differently in order to be covered. If I had an official endo diagnosis, I'd worry that would only exacerbate the problem.

I know clomid isn't the best for endo, but I wasn't O'ing. I only did three cycles, lowest dose, and while I didn't get pg on any of those, I did get pg the cycle after the last of the three.

I could feel lots of adhesions tearing as my belly grew during my pregnancy. You may notice during/afterwards that any pain you have during a bowel movement is greatly reduced or gone. For me, it had got to the point where I couldn't have a BM without significant pain and pulling; since the pregnancy, that pain is gone.
I hope you have the same experience.

I've heard others tell a story similar to yours - that the doctor didn't remove all of it, because some was on the colon/intestine. If I do decide to have a laparoscopy, I'll definitely be thinking about that. However, something my best friend said to me, in conjunction with reading others' experiences, makes me hesitate about getting a procedure like that. She was talking about how frustrating it is to do surgery on endo patients, because you can clear it all out and six months or a year later it's all back, and they're not even sure why. I saw that was the experience of a lot of women when I was first TTC, too. I guess I just want to be conservative about that, at least for the first year of TTC #2. It frustrates me because I really feel so little is known about endo, and hence there's a lack of good treatments.

Six months IS a long time, when you're waiting for something!
I hope you're soon expecting your LO.
Thanks for the warm welcome.

dd 11 mos
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It sounds like you've already been through a lot. I hope that this time you conceive easily and birth a healthy, full-term baby.

If that doesn't happen immediately
I just wanted to point out that there is a whole crew of us on the 6+ month list and also on the 12+ month list who will be here to listen to all the ups and downs and help you keep your spirits up. And many of us have m/c (including me) so we can understand that panic too...

Good luck with deciding when it is right for you and your family to ttc and, as I said, here's hoping that all your worries will not come to fruition!

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I myself started down the endometriosis road. I went and did a U/S which proved that there was fluid backed up (a sign of endo) and so my ob/gyn wanted me to do the laperoscopy. I was also not interested in the laperoscopy just for a diagnosis. Since then, I have discovered something that greatly, GREATLY helped me. I stopped using commercial tampons. I don't know what you ladies use, and of course there is more than one cause of endo, but there is a chemical called dioxin that is used in the bleaching process to make tampons. Dioxin can CAUSE endo. 6 months after I stopped using tampons, my symptoms are 100% gone. I only offer this as a little ray of hope if you do use tampons, it may help lessen your symptoms. I only hope that maybe it could help. I mean NO disrespect to you and your health, I know there are many reasons that a woman can end up with endometriosis but I just wanted to offer that information in case it was helpful. I sincerely hope that you someday can have the family you dream of.
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Thanks LCB for sharing your experience. Endo runs in my family, so I think my having it is genetic (paternal grandmother, who grew up on a farm in rural Russia). Also, all of my symptoms started long before I ever used a tampon. But hopefully your information will help someone else! I have heard of the link before and it doesn't surprise me.

dd 11 mos
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A good friend of mine has endo, and she explained to me once that a pregnancy to term can "cure" endo, for lack of a better word. It has something to do with your body getting a "break" for a long enough period of time. That's all I know, but I wanted to share that.

Also, I recently read a book called Do You Want to Have a Baby? Natural Fertility Solutions and Pregnancy Care. It has a section on endo and natural changes you can make in your diet and other areas to lessen the symptoms.
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