I'm 3.5 mo into a pretty serious dating relationship with a guy, we'll call him "Bob" b/c I hate writing "bf" because it looks like 'beef' and I'm a vegetarian
I need some help from you mama's outlooks b/c I'm not sure if I'm getting too far ahead of myself or if these are serious stop signs.
Bob found out 2 years ago that he may have a son, the week that I met him, he was flying up to see him for his 5th birthday. Bob's X told her dh for 3 years before that that dh was the dad, but a paternity test proved that wrong. It seems that in Oregon, when a paternity case is opened by someone testing, another person can't "legally" test until the other person's results are filed, and X's dh never filed.
I'm thinking that if it was me, I'd be up there putting lawyer fees on my credit card, playing guitar on the street for spare change to get the $ to find out for sure. I have issues of being abandoned by my own father, and would never want that for my baby. Bob was adopted & his own father won't recognize him, so it's gotta be a painful experience for him.
I've just been watching for the last few months, and I don't see any motivation on his part. He's 26, and of course he wants to do 26 year old guy stuff...he's planning a long hiking trip & all the gear that it's going to take. I brought it up the other night, that he could use that gear money towards a private paternity test, whatever it took, and he got really defensive, said he was "doing it right" by taking his time.
I have issues with a 9 year relationship I got out of 9 months ago, with a guy who had a 5 year old when I met him...I feel like a page out of The Celestine Prophecies with all these coincidences. Long story short, MY X did an incredibly crappy job connecting with his dd, was so lax in his support no matter how I tried to connect them...It was a situation out of my control & I tried to control it. His dd knows on her own now that it was me & not him that was trying to foster a relationship.
I don't want to control this guy, I really do not. He's an absolute gem of a person in most respects, and I'm struggling between waiting & seeing more, or choosing to not involve myself with someone who isn't motivated on their own to take care of his life. Bob has been nothing but respectful in his limited interactions with my kids, and is patient and kind with them. He does work hard, but in a crappy no future job...My priorities lie with children & making the best life for them as a single mom...I'm fearful that our priorites are too different.
Any thoughts, mamas?