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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Due to having had recent back surgery (spinal fusion last Dec), I will be having a C-section at 39 wks in early June. I'm super upset tonight because DH refuses to go with me to the C-section class I'll be taking soon at the hospital. He doesn't want to "waste his time" when he could learn all the same information in "10 mins" from me when I get home. To me, it's about him taking the time to go with me and support me through something I'm going to have to go through, (like all the other husbands and partners who were happily participating in the Baby CPR class we went to tonight). This is the same DH who'd rather play video games for hours, which is apparently not a waste of his time. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry"><br><br>
Since before I got pregnant, one of my SILs, who has training as a doula and midwife, has agreed to be my doula. We didn't know that I'd end up w/a scheduled C-sec until a few months ago. Well, I talked to a friend who is a surgical tech in labor and delivery at this hospital, and she told me they will only allow one person to accompany me into the OR.<br><br>
So tonight when he said he would refuse to go to the hospital's c-sec class, I told DH that I'm going to pick the person who will be my best support in the OR, so he's angry at me. He is SO clueless what it's like to be a pregnant hormonal woman, and to have to be going through this. He has no intention of being supportive to me when I'm upset or worried or in pain. He tells me to calm down and be rational. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked"><br><br>
Anyway, my first question is this: Is there anything in the C-section class that DH would learn that would benefit me/us/baby in the OR?<br><br>
He came and talked to me while I was in the middle of writing this, and I explained that I need whoever goes in w/me to be there to support ME, as in soothe/comfort & encourage me in case I get panicky or "emotional". He then agreed I should probably have a woman in with me. Phew. Argument is over, then. But I still would like to hear from other people. Should my SIL/doula come to the C-section class then? Or...what? I do have a friend who's had 2 c-sections and actually offered to go in with me if I wanted. Maybe she would be the best choice for support. Should I ask for them to let two people in so DH can be there when DD is born? I know the concern is too many people and greater risk of infection, but what would you do or have you done?<br><br>
For the most part, DH is really good to me. He just absolutely trusts doctors, nurses, etc as omniscient professionals and he has no patience with my "emotions", even though he's not as rational as he thinks he is, and can be quite emotional himself. I also have a great OB and the hospital is very crunchy for the most part. DH said he'd go with me to my next OB appt, and my doc said she'd teach him some ways to support me.
 

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I can't help you about the class, as I've never taken one and have no idea what information they'd provide.<br><br>
In the OR...I'd be torn. I wanted dh to be able to see his child arrive (honestly, I'd have been begging for general anesthesia if it weren't for that and the breastfeeding). So, I wanted him there. But, dh also got how I felt for the most part. I'm not sure what I'd have done if I hadn't felt that he'd support me in OR. For me, it's a <i>very</i> scary place, and I needed someone in my corner.<br><br>
I doubt they'll let two people come in. Most hospitals (not all) seem to be pretty rigid about that.
 

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you could just tell DH that you would be more comfortable if he wait in the NICU while your doula remains with you for the 45 min's or so when they're stitching you up- which is the only the truth for most women, they want someone they trust to be with their baby in those first moments of life, who better than the father? He can't be two places at once, it sounds like the doula would be the better emotional support. My two cents hope you get it figured out <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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Definitely take the class. There isn't really much to know about a scheduled c-section but they should take you on a walk through of what happens (check-in, pre-op, pain meds, etc) If your DH absolutely refuses to come, then take a friend for moral support.<br><br>
Your DH needs to get over it and stay with you! In comparison, supporting someone during a c-section takes a lot less effort than supporting someone through labor. He can't sit on a stool for 30 minutes? He will miss those first moments with his child! My DH held our daughter for a good 30 minutes while I was stitched up, our son had some breathing issues so DH stayed right by his side when I couldn't. Those were big bonding moments for them. He is willing to miss it? (DD never left the OR, she was held by DH and then rode in my bed to our room. DS was sent to special care and DH left the OR with him)<br><br>
Most hospitals won't let your support person in the OR until right before they are ready to start. You will already have your spinal, drapes up, etc. It is highly doubtful they will let two people in. It is crowded as it is, but definitely ask.<br><br>
I hope your doc can talk some sense into your DH. Good luck.
 

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Both of my kids were born by c-section....DS2 was a scheduled c-section and I didn't take a class. I didn't even know those types of classes existed, to be honest....and I used to work in a hospital (in the ob/gyn department, no less).<br><br>
I don't know if this is the way it's done everywhere, but I was given a sedative before they even wheeled me into the OR. I felt very pleasantly relaxed; not anxious or panicky at all. But hospitals and surgeries don't scare me much, so YMMV.<br><br>
I had two people there during my surgery, but I was a staff member so they might have made an allowance for me. Baby's daddy and a good friend were there; the friend was also a staff member. They might have viewed it as an education/training experience for her.<br><br>
It's possible that your DH is being a pain about this because he's nervous and doesn't want to think about it. In which case, bringing your doula in may very well be a better choice. You don't need him fainting in the OR.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks for your responses.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>lovebeingamomma</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15397191"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">you could just tell DH that you would be more comfortable if he wait in the NICU while your doula remains with you for the 45 min's or so when they're stitching you up- which is the only the truth for most women, they want someone they trust to be with their baby in those first moments of life, who better than the father? He can't be two places at once, it sounds like the doula would be the better emotional support. My two cents hope you get it figured out <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"></div>
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Unfortunately, I don't trust DH to be with the baby outside of my presence while the staff is likely to try to vaccinate and medicate my baby. I know they'll honor my/our wishes, but DH won't ever contradict a "professional" in a hospital setting. I'm planning to ask that the baby not leave my presence. In all actuality, the NICU people will be there in the OR with me, and since baby will be full term, it's doubtful that they'll need to take her away. I've heard that at this hospital everything is done with the baby skin-to-skin on the mother's chest. I've heard this from my friend who works there, as well as other moms who've had both c-sections and vaginal births there.
 

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Your DH can't consent to anything anyway. I am in Indiana too, and only I could make legal medical decisions for the babies. (obviously, I consulted with DH when applicable) Of course, if you are out of it from the meds, it may be easy to accidently consent to something. Definitely make your wishes known loud and clear before the surgery!<br><br>
Both my kids were full term and there was no NICU folks in the OR. Just regular staff, they will call special people in if needed. There shouldn't be any reason to remove a healthy baby from the OR until you leave too. (and I would not be ok with being separated unless there is a legitmate reason)
 

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I just had a truely rewarding amazing scheduled c-section. The staff were 100% amazing. I didnt know classes existed, so nope, we didnt go to any.<br><br>
I did write a detailed birth plan though, DH AND my doula were in the OR-I didnt give him an option. He announced the sex of our baby and she was passed for skin-to-skin with in minutes of being out of my body.<br><br>
DH went with her to our room and waited while I was stiched up-my doula stayed with me and showed me the photos she'd taken as DD was born.<br><br>
DH was VERY imformed of what i/we wanted. He also loves a bit of confrontation so in no way was worried about stating our desires for no vax's etc. We told them that there was absolutely no way our baby was going to the nursery, there was no way she was getting a bath, and there was no way she was getting the hep B vax. MANY nurses whispered to me how pleased they were with our choices and how imformed I was.
 

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The only class we took was a NCB course that included a short segment on c-sections (which, I completely ignored b/c it didn't apply to me <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment">) Anyhow, I didn't realize they had classes specifically about the surgery, but I guess it doesn't hurt to learn more about it. I wish your DH would go, but if he doesn't, sure - I'd have your SIL go if you want someone to be with you there, and it will help her be more prepared for how to help you after the baby is born.<br><br>
For all 4 c-sections, my DH and my mom were with me in the OR. My mom (who is a midwife and was a L&D RN for many years) basically took the role of a doula. I am so glad she was able to be there to support me and take photos. BUT, most anesthesiologists don't allow more than one person there - and if that had been the case for us, hands-down I would want my DH. Each time he went with the baby and my mom stayed with me, however, in your case, I would maybe send your sister-in-law with baby and have your DH stay with you (even if they don't let her be in the OR, she can certainly accompany the baby to the nursery while they stitch you up). It sounds like you need a strong advocate to relay your wishes to the nurses, so I'd have your DH stay with you - chances are you will just need someone to hold your hand and be there while they finish up and you wait in recovery.<br><br>
I guess the thing is that during the actual c-section, you just need someone there who loves you and is as excited about seeing the baby's first moments - IMO, the baby's father is the one who should be there. It's not like the support person will have much say as far as what goes on in the OR with regards to the surgery - the OB, nurses, and surgical techs know what they are doing and follow procedures, yk? Someone does need to be with baby after the section, so if you do have to be separated while you are stitched up and stabilize in the recovery room, that's when you can have SIL go and DH stay with you.
 

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A little unrelated, but FYI there's a great c-section birth experience in the May ddc right now. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/innocent.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shy">
 

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I had a C-section recently. It wasn't planned though. My husband was there, but honestly, I was so out of it I barely noticed. Granted, I'd laboured for 30 hours prior and was exhausted and still affected by the morphine I took hours prior (and then they gave me more as part of the c-section procedure), but still. The whole thing was over so quickly, and they gave me the baby to hold almost immediately. They just cut her cord (well, my husband did that, but he didn't have to), wiped her down and handed her over. They didn't give her any vaccinations, but I'm in Canada. The nurses did this while the doctor was stitching me up. I think the whole ordeal took less than 1/2 an hour before we were in the recovery room.<br><br>
So have your SIL in there if you want, in my experience it won't make that big a difference. It's over so quickly, and you're doped up anyway. And then you can see your husband in the recovery room where perhaps he'll be more at ease.
 

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Congrats, I wish you the best with your birth. I was able to have my doula and dh in the or room for my first unplanned csec. I am so glad that I had both because once dh was handed the baby, he sort of forgot about me, which is fine and at the time I thought it sweet. Our son had a quick exam by a nurse that was on the side of the room that I could see but not hear the nurse or dh. I was glad that my doula was next to me to talk with me during the 20- 30 minutes of hemorrhaging and stitching. For my second csec, it was going to be a csec after start of labor so we didn't hire a doula. Even though I asked my dh to be supportive of me and to include me in conversations, he again became fixated on our new child. My doctor and the anesthetist were more communicative with me that time, so it was fine. I think that with my first child they just figured my doula had that role covered.
 

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I have no idea what will be in the class, but I would not be above emotional blackmail to get my Dh to attend. He should go for you whether he learns anything or not (he will, probably). You have to go through SURGERY and he can't spend a few hours in a class about it? Nope, not cool.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>seagull</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15398423"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Congrats, I wish you the best with your birth...Even though I asked my dh to be supportive of me and to include me in conversations, he again became fixated on our new child. My doctor and the anesthetist were more communicative with me that time, so it was fine. I think that with my first child they just figured my doula had that role covered.</div>
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Thanks. This is just what I expect of DH - that he will not even remember I exist unless I'm holding the baby. I had back surgery in Dec and 2 days prior, I asked him to be supportive of me and be my advocate regarding a written list of things I wanted him to be aware of. He refused...it turned into a big fight, he walked out on me and filed for divorce a month later. We ended up reconciling but I do not want to go there again. He has never experienced real pain or suffering, and has zero sympathy for emotions and won't tolerate "bad behavior" i.e. demanding certain things from professional nurses & doctors. He understands a little more about my preferences regarding treatment of our daughter once she's born because I've explained about delayed cord clamping and his mom explained about vaccinations, so hopefully that won't be an issue when the time comes.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>SublimeBirthGirl</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15402091"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I have no idea what will be in the class, but I would not be above emotional blackmail to get my Dh to attend. He should go for you whether he learns anything or not (he will, probably). You have to go through SURGERY and he can't spend a few hours in a class about it? Nope, not cool.</div>
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Yeah - I tried that. Doesn't work. He still values "his time" more than my feelings. He said he'd be happy to learn about it all from me when I get home. But I'm assuming there'll be a hospital tour at the same time, and he really should be there for that. Next week is the Newborn Care Basics class, and he also refuses to go to that. I did get him to agree to drop me off and pick me up (if he's not busy hmmf), so maybe we can work that out and he can come to part of the class. I'll talk to the instructor and get more info.<br><br>
All in all, if I'm doped up for the C-sec, I suppose that will help a ton, and maybe I won't need my SIL there. But it would be good for DH to observe her in action to see what she does. Then he might get a clue and be able to follow her protocol next time we have a baby.
 

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More importantly than the support people with you during the c-section, I would seriously consider making sure you have some support people at home with you post-patrum. If your DH can't handle recovering from back surgery, how is he going to handle you recovering from another surgery PLUS caring for a brand new human being? That's a lot to handle by yourself.
 
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