[Media Mama]

We're expecting our second baby in a couple months and I've been thinking a lot about how the dynamic will change. Right now my toddler and I have a really beautiful, peaceful, loving, EASY thing going. Is there any chance I could maintain this dynamic after baby #2 arrives? She's excited about the baby (and really does LOVE other people's babies), but she's only 2 1/2 and I doubt she understands that she'll have to share me when the baby comes.

Any advice on how to keep things lovely and mellow would be seriously appreciated!

 

[mummy marja]

First of all, it WILL change, it has to. But don't worry if things seem terrible for a little while, because they will settle down. I think most toddlers love their new baby sibling but end up taking out any hard feelings they have on the parents--which is totally normal.

What really helped for us was talking about it a lot beforehand, saying things like "Baby is so tiny and needs lots of care. Mommy will nurse her and carry her and you get to help me take care of her, bring her toys, teach her to smile and laugh, etc." I put a big focus on having big sister teach little bro all the things she already knew how to do, and I think it created a wonderful dynamic between them. At the beginning DD would help me get Ds latched on! It was so cute, she would hold her hand on my breast and help to guide him on, and she was so proud of him when he accomplished something new.

 

[leximom]

Wondering if anyone else has any advice. My dd will be about 19 months when the new babe comes and is still very much a baby to me so I'm pretty apprehensive

 

[2M's Mom]

Mine are only 14 months apart, but we tried to make sure the oldest got a lot of special attention before ds was born and also after. I was lucky and dh got to take a month off of work after ds was born. So, he did a lot of daddy time with our oldest, lots of special things brother didn't get to do. We have also made sure that both of us hve special time with each kid each day (in small amounts) and each week (a bigger time slot). One thing that we tried really hard to make sure dd wasn't having to give up was her cuddle time. She still liked to be held and cuddled a lot, so I made sure she never had to be upset about not being held. I learned to nurse ds while holding dd (yikes!). It was really rough at first, but we got the hang of it. We also tried really hard to make the new baby something nice, something fun, and something to be loved, NOT something to feel replaced by.

Also, leading up to the birth of ds, I would take dd around lot of babies, so she could get used to them. She also got to come to the hospital minutes after ds's birth, and spent special time with mommy in the hospital. Now it is one year later and we have had only minimal jealousy. The kids love each other and love to play together.

 

[PortraitPixie]

thanks for starting this thread...I'll be following it...

come out wise mammas!! Good advice so far!

 

[mummy marja]

I remember the very first time I was left alone with 2 kids. Dd started to remove her poopy diaper and Ds started to cry at the same time. At the time I was like, "Oh no! What do I do? What do I do?" It was the first time I was needed by both children at the same time. Of course I quickly got used to little things like that and I am amazed at how many things I can handle at a time.

I used to sit in an armchair and nurse Ds while I did a puzzle with Dd on the floor with MY FEEET! Talk about supermom.

 

[Slackermom]

Mine are almost exactly two years apart. DD was too small to understand a baby was coming or even what that meant, so I really hadn't been able to prepare her much. But when she first met her baby brother, she was excited and took it in stride, as if she'd been expecting him. So many she did understand my little baby talks, after all!

The first couple of months were a bit crazy. It didn't help that it was winter, which made it harder to keep DD entertained. I tried to have lots of activities ready for her when I needed to nurse or be with the baby, but she'd usually just want to be in my lap. She understood she'd need to wait, although we had a few meltdowns about it. But overall, she was really good. I found that if I could get her to 'help', even in a small way like handing me a diaper, or gently stroking the baby's head when I nursed, then she felt included and happy. And sometimes she'd grab her stuffed elephant, lift up her shirt and "give milkies" to it while I fed the baby!

I was also very lucky, because my MIL lives just minutes away, and would often take DD for a morning or afternoon, to give me a break. It was much easier to shower or eat or get something done with only one baby around. But it also gave DD a chance to have some special time for herself, with people who love her. I don't know if that's an option for you, but if you have friends or family nearby who can help out with the older child, it can be a big help for you.

When people come to visit you and the new baby, make sure you have some little things on hand -- stickers, even library books -- to give to the older child so that they aren't left out if the baby gets gifts.

Now that DS is 8 months, they are having so much fun together. They play together, and they just light up when they see each other. It's wonderful. Things are so much easier now, too.

So I don't know if this advice has helped. Just remember, it's just like with baby #1 -- the first little while is an adjustment, but then it gets so much better!

 

[RedWine]

Here's something I wish someone had told me:

It is normal to have temporary feelings of disconnect with your firstborn. When dd2 was born, all my instincts were to protect her, and I got very annoyed and resentful very quickly whenever dd1 needed anything whatsoever. This took great effort on my part to work through, and my relationship with dd1 took a direct hit for a few months. Our relationship recovered, but it was a difficult bounce back.

I've spoken to quite a few other moms with two kids who said they went through the same thing.

If this happens to you, know it's probably normal and just work through it as best you can.

 

[sapphire_chan]

The simplest advice I ever read on this subject was "remember your first born is still a baby".

 

[AugustineM]

My two are 21 months apart and DD was only born 8 weeks ago. DS and I also had the type of relationship you were talking about -- very connected, generally easy, etc. I too was so worried about how things would change, if they would get really difficult... and DS was still nursing so I was worried about tandeming as well.

But I can say, only 2 months into it, that it is easier than I expected. Of course there are times when it is totally difficult and frustrating, but overall things are going quite well and I'm glad we had them this close together. We were planning on 3 years at first but, well, it happened differently.

My relationship with DS is pretty much the same, and in fact I think I try harder now because I'm so concerned about giving him love & attention with a little baby around. There are times, like a PP said, that I feel a strange sort of disconnect or resent about DS -- usually when DD is nursing or when he tries to be too rough with her. And there have been times when I feel so guilty about it. But those times are few and far between, and I have been able to control the feelings by now.

Tandem nursing is sort of hard, but I think it would be hard even if he weren't nursing.

GL!

 

[peypeymama]

Learn how to use a wrap or a Mei tai.

I wear dd #2 in a wrap, and I'm am able to take care of dd#1's needs with both my hands free. Peyton is very high energy and needs to get out to the park daily. This would be nearly impossible if I tried to work her day around dd#2's nap schedule. We had a messy art class this morning and Lucy slept the entire time in the wrap. With some practice you can even nurse hands free.

 

[Media Mama]

This is so great!

Keep it coming...I'm feeling better already!

 

[BecBayGrayMad]

When preggo with my second my midwife told me this:
Your husband brings home a new wife and tells you he loves you so much and you mean everything to him but he wanted a new wife too. And you are going to love her, share with her, and spend all your time with her. Think about how that feels and sounds. That is what siblings are like.

My boys are almost 18 months apart and I will say that up until recently things have been easy for us. But with my older son turning 2.5 and the baby turning 1 things got HARD!

Good Luck