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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am 37 weeks and planning an UC. Although, everyone still thinks we have a midwife even though the last time she came for a prenatal was in November. I have been flat out lying to everyone. Since DH and I are the only ones that know the truth, should we keep it that way. I really hate lying, especially to our parerents, siblings, friends... I know that if we tell one person the truth, then we will most likely have to tell everyone and then they will all know we were lying, not to mention they will start hassling us to know who "checked" the baby. What do you all think? Should DH and I take this one to our grave? Of course, I would like to tell the baby the truth and I can't imagine telling it that he/she was born through an UC, but then saying, "Don't tell anyone because we lied to them all and said you were born at home with a midwife in attendance." I just need some suggestions.
 

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I'm not planning on telling anyone until after the baby is born. Not my OB, not my family. DH knows and my birth support person knows. It's no-one else's business, IMO. I will be telling my family I'm having a HB, but am planning on leaving it at that.<br><br>
I will be taking the baby to the doc maybe a week after birth for PKU testing, but other than that, I'm not planning on it.
 

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You could do what many do and say the midwife didn't make it. You don't have to say you never called. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1">
 

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I think you should tell them after. Explain why you didn't say anything before. By not telling its like you are hiding something that you did that was wrong.
 

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The first two times I told everyone. Then last time they were all injecting so much fear into our lives that I decided it was no longer anyone's business. Only people that I felt completely safe with knew. My mother was so upset about it that I was afraid she would flip out and report us to someone. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> So the majority of my family and some other people think that the mw didn't make it.<br><br>
I don't think it's lying. I think it is protecting your birthspace and your family and yourself. I am someone who can't even tell a little white lie without feeling tremendously guilty and I always go back and correct it because I have such a problem with lying. I don't feel bad about this though. If people can't support you (which I think is CRITICAL to a good birth) then it's none of their business.
 

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I wouldn't tell them. With our first, dh told his parents we were having a homebirth because he was so excited about our birth plans (he didn't even mention the fact that we were UP/UCing. They contacted every single extended relative on dh's side (some we didn't even know) and had them calling us up, verbally attacking us. We got into a big fight with his parents over the phone. They said they wanted what was best for their grandchild. We said, good. We would mail them some information to read. They wanted nothing to do with it. MIL threw a temper tantrum (not the first or last).<br><br>
So, feel free to say you are doing fine or that the pregnancy is going along smoothly, that you are keeping your birth plans private, etc. You aren't lying with any of those and it really is no one else's business.<br><br>
Our first child was the first great-grandchild on dh's side. His cousins started having kids shortly after us. One was taken by C-section two months early and died after surgery because of a congential heart defect (that causes no problems in the womb and if they had waited he may have made it through surgery). There were comments made about which baby should have been the one to die. Not okay with us. We cut out all contact with that aunt and uncle.
 

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We kept the secret until just before our "due date" My mom asked when the Dr. was going to induce and I said, "He isn't" She called me back on my due date and harrassed me about going over my due date and so I unhooked the phone. But I accidently let it slip to my inlaws at 39 weeks. They called on my due date as well and told me how irresponcible I was for putting myself at risk... blah blah.<br><br>
So we didn't answer the phone for 6 days until Amie came. I would reccomend keeping this a secret unless you want to alienate your family.
 

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We just told everyone after. It was absolutely not a big deal while I'm sure it would have been a big *thing* if we'd told them before. I see nothing immoral or unethical about not telling people about your birth plans. It is a very personal thing (if you want it to be) and no one needs to know anything about it. Good luck!
 

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my approach when already in this situation would be to tell them after the birth, and while telling them, explain why you didn't tell them prior to the birth--because yuo didn't believe that they would be supportive or behave appropriately. explain why you came to this conclusion as well.<br><br>
then, allow them to defend themselves a bit. make the reason for not telling them the 'greater wrong' than the modus of birth.
 

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My only problem with telling after the birth is if you plan on having more children. Then they would know what your plans are the next time whether you wanted them to or not. So I guess it depends on if you are comfortable with that.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>~Megan~</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7233362"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think you should tell them after. Explain why you didn't say anything before. By not telling its like you are hiding something that you did that was wrong.</div>
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ita<br><br><br>
nak
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>barefoot mama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7235571"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">My only problem with telling after the birth is if you plan on having more children. Then they would know what your plans are the next time whether you wanted them to or not. So I guess it depends on if you are comfortable with that.</div>
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"it is none of your business, thank you for your concern"<br><br><br>
nak
 

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How about a woops, the midwife didn't get there in time. Then you don't have to lie about your birth story, which would be quite stressful, but you aren't inviting lots of inquiries into your decision. In addition, if you tell them you went U/P there will be many more questions if you have another baby.<br><br>
I'm not a fan of lying at all, and would feel uncomfortable lying about my birth story, but I think sometimes too much information given out can cause issues.
 

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do what you feel is best. every situation is different. protecting yourself from negative energy is a very valid reason for telling after the birth - or never telling. while i greatly admire people who can tell anyone who asks 'We are having our child unassisted' - I get so much slack over the HB option -as in, they are actually hoping I will fail so as to justify the 'need' for birth to happen in hospitals - I just figure its none of their business. I'm pretty wide-open as birth approaches, and not immune at all to that kind of spiteful energy.
 

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We kept the secret until after the birth and then just addressed it very matter of factly. Everyone took it very well and didn't really seem to mind since the baby was fine. I know it would have been major stress during my pregnancy. Now we are pregnant again and I will have to deal with the questions and I will just be honest. I have done it before and I feel comfortable with it. End of story. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br>
Wendi
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>barefoot mama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7235571"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">My only problem with telling after the birth is if you plan on having more children. Then they would know what your plans are the next time whether you wanted them to or not. So I guess it depends on if you are comfortable with that.</div>
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For us, we didn't get the flak with the second child as we did with the first. They still didn't agree, but they knew they weren't going to change our minds.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Thanks for all the suggestions and personal experiences.
 

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For us, it was easiest to just say that Baby came too fast. That stopped all the questions and never left an opportunity for negative reactions for the next birth. I would not tell the the MW was there though, because it opens the door to have to create more lies to cover the first one.<br><br>
Where as Baby came before MW arrived is the absolute truth. You just don't say MW was never called!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">
 

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we still haven't told my dad and his wife about our UC.. although it helps that they live 6000 miles away.... It might come up as they are coming out to visit us in the spring...
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MamaRabbit</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7233332"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">You could do what many do and say the midwife didn't make it. You don't have to say you never called. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"></div>
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this is what i am going to do
 
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