[Kiddoson]

My DD is 3 years and 4 months, she is such a great kid, very polite, sweet, loving, fun. BUT we have moments in the day where she just won't listen, whether it's picking up her things, getting dressed, doing what she is asked, i.e. it's time to go outside, get your socks and shoes, lets get a shower/bath etc. Many times we have no trouble, other times she is just so set on NOT doing what we ask and so hyper that all i can think to do is put her in her room until she is ready to listen, do what we asked or not asked etc. It just doesn't seem to work, at the time it does but she will often do the same behaviour again a while later. I work at home and am wondering if she needs more stimulation and/or structured class, maybe she should do preschool or daycare? I have yet to leave her with anyone other than my DH and mother so this would be very hard for me but if she needs it I will consider it.
Is whinning just part of this age too? It makes me nuts sometimes....
Any thoughts much appreciated, I sometimes feel that I am doing something wrong as a parent when her behaviour gets out of control.
Thanks
Kim

 

[LuvMy2Kidz]

You have entered the terrible two's (which is the 2 years of ages 3 and 4 :LOL) DS was a perfect sweet, well behaved child, then he turned three :LOL

What I do is have a quiet time since he refuses to nap now(he's 4) He has to go in his room, and lay in his bed, but he can read/look at books. Quiet time is strictly enforced as soon as he gets whiney/argumentatvie(usually b/c he's tired) and he usually falls asleep within 5-10 min. of gonig to lay in bed. If he doesn't fall asleep quiet time only lasts 30 min. It gives him a chance to calm down and think, and rest a little. He usually gets up in a much better mood

 

[levar]

I have NO idea really if any of this will work in the long run. We are "thick in it" too. Taylor is 3 yrs 6 mo.

: My cousin's daughter is 3yr7mo and exactly the same too. We agree it must be a "phase". Sigh.

I am currently reading "1-2-3 Magic" and some of what that book suggests seems good. "Time out" and "Go to your room" seem to sort of work for Taylor, but only sort of. We're changing it a bit. We only send Taylor to "time out" for really really bad bad things. Hitting. Spitting. Etc. When he gets really going with an out of control tantrum [or I see one coming] is the only time we send him to his room "to calm down" and I tell him [and sometimes quietly 'escort' him] to go to his room until he has calmed down and wants to talk/ be nice/ etc. He usually does after a few minutes. On a few occasions though he has been hysterical so I sit on his bed and rock him until he calms down and then I tell him he can play quietly until he is ready etc. This too seems to work most of the time.

As for the whining, wheedling, late for everything, blah blah blah.

"Time out" etc doesnt work for us. That book calls that stuff "start" behavior. In other words you want a child to "start" something. ["Stop" behavior is where you want a stop doing that, go to your room sort of thing.] Per book, THAT is much tougher. Duh.

: We've been trying alot of "big kid" redirection and "games". I am IN LOVE with the kitchen timer. [I think it is becoming my new best friend!] I set the timer for 1, 2, or 3 minutes. If Taylor does "what ever" before the buzzer he get some reward. If not, no reward AND then he is treated like a little kid and *I* do what ever. This is working well for him right now. Figuring out the reward is tricky though. And it seems to change often. Uhg. We do stuff like "give dog/cat treat" "pick own clothes" "pick book/movie" as well as candy, cookie, snack, treat and Go to park, McDs, beach, friend's house, etc. For example if he isnt "agreeable" in grocery we dont go to park.

I am doing much better at this than my husband though. It drives ME nuts the way our son eggs hubby on!! I want to just scream sometimes. Especially meals. We've started putting each other in time outs and such though. Since we are both ok with it it sort of works. And of course Taylor loves it!! For example if he yells at me and I yell back we BOTH do a time out. [In our house yelling is a BIG no-no FYI] And I've been using the timer for "sharing" between kids. And if Taylor hits back both kids go in time out.

Ooh! One last idea that worked recently. Cleaning his room!! If Taylor has a BIG want [and he gets it] he has to do a BIG what ever. So we've started a chore chart and if he cleans his room [with help] every day [or most days anyway] whithout whining [much] then he gets a dollar on Monday to save or spend. Amazingly he went SIX weeks this summer before spending his dollars on a new baseball bat and mit!! [We took him to a minor league game too, we were SO proud!!] I though 3 was a bit young for a chore chart, but we used pictures instead of words on most of it and stickers etc. And we use "good enough" instead of "perfect" too.

 

[Dragon]

Funny that levar mentioned how her child is worse for her DH than for her. I'm just dealing with the same stuff, and DH is having a much harder time of it.

With my daughter, the key seems to be to explain the consequences/reasoning right up front: "We all eat together in this family, so you need to feed the dog now so we can have our dinner" Then I just stay calm and remind her of the possible consequences: "Mmm....dinner smells good tonight...I can't wait until we can have dinner" With my daughter, I have to be very careful not to get caught up in a power struggle or take it personally when she refuses to do something. It's low-key and calm, all the way. If she senses any whiff of a power struggle, she will not back down and the situation will escalate.

Of course, I'm a SAHM and we don't have a lot else going on in our lives, so it's easy enough to stay relaxed. I'm not sure how this will change when little sister comes home or next year when Catherine starts school

 

[Liz]

Look for The Secret of Parenting. I found it helpful, although I thought the author came across as quite flippant. But the basic idea is to disengage as soon as a situation turns towards a power struggle. State your case succintly, then wait, fully expecting your child to comply. Don't keep reminding them, don't say anything more, you have made yourself clear. Do not respond to pleas, arguments, whining, etc. If they do not comply and it's a biggie then gently make them do it. "I'm sorry I'm making you do this but it has to be done." End of conversation. If it is a smallie then state your displeasure briefly, do it yourself and move on.