[amynbebes]

I'm ready to scream. My 13 yr old dd evidently thinks that money just appears out of the sky as desired. She has no issues with constantly asking for money for this or that, or for me to buy her this or that. She SAYS that several of her friends get to go shopping with and get new clothes on a regular basis therefore she feels like she should get to as well and makes me feel like complete crap because I can't run out and drop 100 bucks on her on a whim. I've tried to tell her that we don't know their circumstances. Do they just have money to spare? Do they actually receive child support like they're supposed to? Are they piling up credit card debt? But she just can't get it. She pouts and slams doors and acts like a complete butt. She went out shopping with me on Black Friday and I got her a new pair of jeans, which she genuinely needed, but then pouted like crazy because I wouldn't buy her another new jacket. She has a danged obsession with buying stupid hoodies and zip up hoodies. I finally sent her to go sit in the car while I waited in line at the store because I didn't want to even be around her.
I've explained to her ad nauseum that I'm on a budget, that while I would love to spend oodles of money on her I can't. She's not neglected or walking around in rags. She has nice, name brand clothing, she has a cell phone, she has her own laptop.
Is this anywhere near normal? Do I just have a monster?
Any ideas on how to get it through her head that I can't just buy, buy, buy?

 

[MusicianDad]

Put her on an allowence and explain clearly, that you will buy necessities only and if she doesn't need it to survive she will have to pay out of her own pocket for it.

It sounds harsh, but to be honest, by 13 she should be working to afford what isn't needed herself or wait for a birthday or christmas (if you do it) to ask for it as a gift.

 

[MarineWife]

I think it's pretty normal behavior. I sort of agree with the PP. Sit down with her and show her your income and your bills so that she can see how the money is coming in and how it's going out. Discuss with her whether she wants an allowance that she can save herself for things or if she wants you to save it for her. The amount doesn't matter. Save or give her however much you can afford, even if it's only $5 a week. She'll learn how much stuff really costs and how long it takes to have the money for it. She'll also learn that you do want to give her what she wants when you can. (Hopefully). If you can, in addition to buying things for her with money you or she saves, maybe every once in a while you can also buy her something just because.

 

[mommy68]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MusicianDad Put her on an allowence and explain clearly, that you will buy necessities only and if she doesn't need it to survive she will have to pay out of her own pocket for it. It sounds harsh, but to be honest, by 13 she should be working to afford what isn't needed herself or wait for a birthday or christmas (if you do it) to ask for it as a gift.

I agree. Our son is 13 and he does things around the house to get extra money or he will wait until his birthday or Cmas and get gifts of money from people and he saves all year until he sees something he wants.

But then again, my son isn't in to clothing and is really good at saving so I may not be the best one to answer this. The only thing I can say is teach her how to acquire a skill so she can get a part-time job and see what it's like to make money on her own. She could do babysitting or be a mother's helper. She sounds very self-consumed. I was that way as a teen girl as well. Maybe it's a girl thing but that doesn't make it right. In the end if you don't have the $$ to spend then you don't have them and she won't get it. She'll just have to learn that over time.

 

[MarineWife]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mommy68 She could do babysitting or be a mother's helper.

I thought of this, too, last night. Or she could mow lawns or walk dogs or take care of people's plants and/or animals when they travel or deliver newspapers. What else could a 13yo do to earn money?

FWIW, my 17yo ds went through this at the same age. He isn't like that anymore and I didn't do anything harsh about it. He just eventually matured enough to understand that money doesn't fall from the sky. Now he's very appreciative of anything I get him and doesn't mind if it's not the most expensive. If he wants something expensive, he'll ask for it as a gift.

I try to be as generous as possible. If I have money to spend on me to decorate my home or buy new towels, I also have money to buy my children a little something they want.

 

[choli]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MusicianDad Put her on an allowence and explain clearly, that you will buy necessities only and if she doesn't need it to survive she will have to pay out of her own pocket for it. It sounds harsh, but to be honest, by 13 she should be working to afford what isn't needed herself or wait for a birthday or christmas (if you do it) to ask for it as a gift.

I had to do this last year with my then 13 yr old. She was constantly nagging for designer jeans, etc that though I COULD afford I simply was not willing to pay that kind of money.

Funny how much more thought she puts into the price of the clothes she wants when it comes out of her allowance

 

[CarrieMF]

Quote:

I thought of this, too, last night. Or she could mow lawns or walk dogs or take care of people's plants and/or animals when they travel or deliver newspapers. What else could a 13yo do to earn money?

depends where you live, here she could have a job in any fast food restaurant or store up to a certain time of night(9pm I believe).

alot of kids her age are very busy babysitting right now with xmas parties. She could be making all the $ she wants plus some. I wonder if her friends do any jobs & that's where their money is coming from.

 

[kirstenb]

I agree with all the PPs (don't yet have a teen but it doesn't seem like that long ago where I was one!).

At that age I was babysitting all the time and paying on my own for most everything. My parents made it clear that if it wasn't a necessity, then it was up to me to buy it. It's amazing how much more I paid attention to prices when I was the one paying. If I needed new jeans and wanted ones that were more than my parents were willing to pay, they would give me what they would have paid (say, $40), and I would make up the rest.

 

[Katwoman]

I guess I would hesitate to show her your income and bills only because people never learn from other people's experiences. (If that makes any sense.) Sure you can show her everything, but then you'll have to listen to her tell you where she thinks your money should go instead of where it is going. (We're all better at spending other people's money.

)

The idea of an allowance is great though. You decide how much your going to give her then sit down and explain it. Sure she'll be pissed, but it's a skill she's going to need to acquire before she's old enough to get a credit card anyway. She might as well practice when you're there to back her up. You can also remind her that her definition of need and yours are very different. Sure she needs pants, but she doesn't need designer jeans.

It might be painful in the beginning, but it really is a skill she needs. (And if worse comes to worse you could institute a charge for listening to whining.

Although make sure she understands your willing to listen to her talking about the situation.) It will work itself out. Think of when she was 2 and you had to tell her not to run into the street 1000 times. It's hard to repeat yourself but they do get it with consistency and love.

 

[Cherie2]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Katwoman I guess I would hesitate to show her your income and bills only because people never learn from other people's experiences. (If that makes any sense.) Sure you can show her everything, but then you'll have to listen to her tell you where she thinks your money should go instead of where it is going. (We're all better at spending other people's money. ) .

I disagree, I think sharing income and expenses is a great idea. I also do not see it as somebody else's money, you are a family after all. I would take it a step further, invite her to be a part of the budgeting process, what better way to learn about money and home management? If she saw the whole picture and how each member of the family has "allowances" maybe she would not see it as such an arbitrary thing and be more understanding.

Plus I don't see anything wrong with listening to her about where she thinks the money should go.

 

[MarineWife]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cherie2 I disagree, I think sharing income and expenses is a great idea. I also do not see it as somebody else's money, you are a family after all. I would take it a step further, invite her to be a part of the budgeting process, what better way to learn about money and home management? If she saw the whole picture and how each member of the family has "allowances" maybe she would not see it as such an arbitrary thing and be more understanding. Plus I don't see anything wrong with listening to her about where she thinks the money should go.

:

 

[G8P4]

I think this is typical teenage behaviour. Yes, it is frustrating! Hang in there and don't be talked into doing more than you can do. It seems part of some teen's mission in life to test the limits, and testing the lilmits of your bank account is part of it.

 

[mommy68]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cherie2 I disagree, I think sharing income and expenses is a great idea. I also do not see it as somebody else's money, you are a family after all. I would take it a step further, invite her to be a part of the budgeting process, what better way to learn about money and home management? If she saw the whole picture and how each member of the family has "allowances" maybe she would not see it as such an arbitrary thing and be more understanding. Plus I don't see anything wrong with listening to her about where she thinks the money should go.

I disagree with you.

Yes. It's everyone's money when it's in regards to household items, food, clothing, bills. But I don't go out and spend bookoo's of money on clothing against my DH's wishes if I know it will cause our bills to not be paid and food to not be purchased to feed our children. And a 13 y o can not possibly be expected to understand something like this when all they want to do is worry about being clothed like their peers. The way they can learn best is to learn how to work hard and earn money on their own and see the value in money for themselves. They can't see that by being told they can *share* the money their parents have worked a hard 40 hr work week to earn. They just can't.

 

[Linda on the move]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mommy68 But I don't go out and spend bookoo's of money on clothing against my DH's wishes if I know it will cause our bills to not be paid and food to not be purchased to feed our children. And a 13 y o can not possibly be expected to understand something like this when all they want to do is worry about being clothed like their peers.

I disagree. 13 is old enough to understand that food and bills come first. It's a pretty basic concept.

We don't show our kids the totals, though, because we are comfortable financial but still don't give them everything they want. Just because we can afford it, it doesn't mean it is good for them. We give them a set amount of money at the beginning of each season and they need to work with that. We talk about buying the most important things first, and then seeing what is left. I also think that gift cards to stores they like are GREAT gifts for this age.

 

[Theoretica]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mommy68 I disagree with you. Yes. It's everyone's money when it's in regards to household items, food, clothing, bills. But I don't go out and spend bookoo's of money on clothing against my DH's wishes if I know it will cause our bills to not be paid and food to not be purchased to feed our children. And a 13 y o can not possibly be expected to understand something like this when all they want to do is worry about being clothed like their peers. The way they can learn best is to learn how to work hard and earn money on their own and see the value in money for themselves. They can't see that by being told they can *share* the money their parents have worked a hard 40 hr work week to earn. They just can't.

ITA

Teens will likely 'get' the concept that the money SHOULD go to more responsible venues, like fixing an appliance, savings, groceries, or whatever. HOWEVER...and this is the big HOWEVER...when you are dealing w/a teen struck with a serious case of the entitlement gimmees...they don't CARE. They want what THEY want and they want it NOW. And yeah OP...it's NORMAL lolol! We did sit down with both of my teens when they hit this phase and showed the budget, explained the need for prudent spending etc. Here were some of the responses we got:

13yoDD (she's 18 now):
"So, we HAVE money (she's looking at the budgeted amt to put in savings) you just won't USE it. Great. Thanks."

While looking over the grocery budget: "Well we don't have to spend THAT much on food, what's the big deal? [siblings] and I don't mind eating pbjs alot if it means we can go shopping more."

AHEM.

It was a good effort, and I do think it was a valuable experience that they will integrate into their adult selves (the concept of budgeting etc), but in the end we told them we are willing to spend the same amount we always do on your expenses, however you can now decide how that is used. If it's not 'enough' and you believe you should have more to spend, feel free to mow lawns or babysit and earn what you want to spend. We're out of it! So it wasn't a set allowance, it was more like "this month we have x amt to spend on kids for clothes/etc" so we gave the teens that amount. It was NEVER the amount they WANTED, for sure, and WOW did they blow it the first few times. I don't think they've ever eaten that much junk or bought that much crap lololol! BUT...within a few months all of a sudden the b!tching had stopped, they were asking me to take them to THRIFT STORES (*I* shop there all the time, but they had decided it was beneath them lolol)! One teen was working busily and the other decided to live off the 'meager' amount we were granting them each month. Whatever!

HTH mama, she'll see the light!
Take care,
Bellevuemama

 

[MarineWife]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 13 is old enough to understand that food and bills come first. It's a pretty basic concept.

: again

That a 13yo can't understand it all is same argument that used to (and still is in some circles) be applied to women. Women weren't considered capable of understanding money and finances or politics or anything else "complicated".

Just because they don't like it and grumble about it doesn't mean they don't understand it. I still grumble sometimes that I don't have enough money for this or that. They may not get everything about finances and money management the first time around but the more they are allowed to participate in the family money management the more they will learn as time goes on. A 13yo might also come up with some creative ways to save money here and there to pay for nicer clothes or whatever they may want.

 

[MarineWife]

Quote:

Originally Posted by bellevuemama We did sit down with both of my teens when they hit this phase and showed the budget, explained the need for prudent spending etc. Here were some of the responses we got: 13yoDD (she's 18 now): "So, we HAVE money (she's looking at the budgeted amt to put in savings) you just won't USE it. Great. Thanks."

Well, that is the truth. You could spend the money. You choose to save it instead. Maybe divide the savings up evenly among all the family members and give each one their portion if they want it. They can spend it and/or save it as they wish.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bellevuemama While looking over the grocery budget: "Well we don't have to spend THAT much on food, what's the big deal? [siblings] and I don't mind eating pbjs alot if it means we can go shopping more."

Again, true. If someone is willing to live off pbjs (or in my house it's ramen noodles) so they can have nicer jeans, that's his/her choice. I might choose that for a few months if I want something special.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bellevuemama It was a good effort, and I do think it was a valuable experience that they will integrate into their adult selves (the concept of budgeting etc), but in the end we told them we are willing to spend the same amount we always do on your expenses, however you can now decide how that is used. If it's not 'enough' and you believe you should have more to spend, feel free to mow lawns or babysit and earn what you want to spend. We're out of it! So it wasn't a set allowance, it was more like "this month we have x amt to spend on kids for clothes/etc" so we gave the teens that amount. It was NEVER the amount they WANTED, for sure, and WOW did they blow it the first few times. I don't think they've ever eaten that much junk or bought that much crap lololol! BUT...within a few months all of a sudden the b!tching had stopped, they were asking me to take them to THRIFT STORES (*I* shop there all the time, but they had decided it was beneath them lolol)! One teen was working busily and the other decided to live off the 'meager' amount we were granting them each month. Whatever!

And what's wrong with any of this? I never have as much money as I'd like but my darn dh won't work more, dammit! Of course, he says the same to me. I could always get a job that earns money but I choose to stay home with my children.

I think this worked out perfectly. Your kids saw what there was. You gave them the freedom to spend their portion however they wanted. The first few times they spent it on what you call junk. (That's pretty typical.) They eventually decided what was important to them and acted accordingly. Isn't that exactly what we want them to figure out?

 

[Porcelain Interior]

I am not sure if it is typical or normal behavior. Maybe here in America, but honestly I think we should expect more out of our teens.

13, even 10 is old enough to understand that jobs provide a certain amount and then you make a budget for all your needs and wants. It's very understandable.

I think it's sort of sad that we assume kids can't understand these life basics, but then it makes it sort of clear why we have so many adults unable to handle their money in a responsible way or to delay gratification.

I don't have these issues with my kids (one of whome is a 13 year old girl) because I've always told the bold and honest truth without excuses. They've never whined or begged for material items. They don't feel entitled to them.

They have said "Mom I really would like _____ for my birthday." If I cannot accomodate that I say so. "Well that is a very expensive item, I'm not sure that we can do that this year, but if we can't maybe we can save up and perhaps get it for you for Christmas instead."

We've never cultivated pastimes and hobbies that revolve around malls, shopping or just going out to blow money because we are bored. I'm not saying that OP is doing this, as it is so normal in today's world, but I had to make a conscious effort from basically birth to inform my kids of reality.

It's not reality to hang at the mall with cash on hand as a way to spend time with friends. Sure I allow it now and then, but we as a family don't choose shopping as a recreational activity. To expect our teens to just because that is the stigma they bear is sad to me.

I'm still bitter that no one taught me about budgets, laundry, the basics of running a house and all those real life things we need.

Anyway it's been a lot of work, and we've I'm positive been the butt of my teen DD's friend's parents jokes, but you know what? So. I can't afford to use shopping to pacify my kids. I also wouldn't ever want to.

Lastly I would say for some kids they do go through a very selfish stage during their teen years. Try not to take it personally or indulge it, and it will work itself out.

 

[mommy68]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior It's not reality to hang at the mall with cash on hand as a way to spend time with friends. Sure I allow it now and then, but we as a family don't choose shopping as a recreational activity. To expect our teens to just because that is the stigma they bear is sad to me. I'm still bitter that no one taught me about budgets, laundry, the basics of running a house and all those real life things we need.

funny you pointed these things out.

From the time I was about 12/13 I hung out at the local mall with my friends every.single.week on Fri/Sat nights. We just roamed the mall. I had cash in hand for food and arcade games that I just blew away every week. I wasn't taught about how to save money and spend it on things worthwhile. BUT, on the other side of the token I was also forced to do laundry, cook, clean and do things that I really did not want to do and now as an adult I'm very thankful for being forced to do those things.

 

[mommy68]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Linda on the move I disagree. 13 is old enough to understand that food and bills come first. It's a pretty basic concept.

Sure, my 13 y o understands this but not EVERY 13 y o understands it.

However, my child has been raised to understand the value of money and has been taught how to handle money since he was very, very young. I wasn't. When I was 13 I wanted money for my weekends with my friends. I didn't care about where it came from or how my mom got it. I felt "entitled" to it and a lot of kids feel that way even in this day and time, especially children that aren't raised to know how to deal with money.