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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Dd is 10 months old and has just now started having difficulty when I leave for work. She goes to a great home based childcare - with an absolutely wonderful woman (very grandma like). She really loves it there, which has been the only way I've been able to work (I only work 26 hrs a week, but she's at the babysitters 14 hrs a week - dh has her the other time).<br><br>
Our strategy has always been that I get there, hold dd for a little bit and then give her to dcp, we chat for a little longer and then I go. No problem. But now, she doesn't want anything to do with going to dcp, unless I'm right there. She will play, if I'm there, but again if I make a move for the door starts crying really hard. Today I had to actually just leave, otherwise I was going to be late. Dcp said that she actually stopped crying almost as soon as I left.<br><br>
What are your words of wisdom? Is there anything I can do to help the transition?
 

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I can only speak from a little experience and things I've read. I understand that it's easier for the little ones if we leave almost immediately and don't make a big deal about leaving. It's hard, yes.<br><br>
Good luck.<br><br>
-Kirina
 

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I second what Kirina said. This stage is really tough. Poor dd would cry as if her heart was going to break when I'd leave. But then, when I'd call the house (we have a nanny) to check back about 5 minutes after leaving, she'd inevitably be playing happily in the background.<br><br>
Nurse your child, kiss her goodbye, and then leave quickly and without a fuss.
 

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I have to agree with the others -- at this stage your babe will likely fuss whether you leave quickly or drag it out<br><br>
my dd is just shy of 8.5 months and is my little velcro babe whenever I am home. She stays with dh while I'm at work and during that time she's happy as a lark but as soon as I get in the house, if I'm not with her, she raises holy heck. It's worse if she's tired. Lucky for me in the morning when I leave she generally doesn't make a fuss.<br><br>
I guess all we can do is keep telling ourselves that this stage too will pass<br><br>
~Hope
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Okay...so how long does it last? How do you cope? And do you think it's traumatizing in a long term way?<br><br>
It's just crushing me to see her cry when I leave. I know she's done almost immediately....but it still crushes me.
 

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It lasts a while - 18 months is the conventional wisdom as to when it starts to ease. Dd is 28 months, and every once in a while she still raises a fuss when I go. Usually, though, she'll just kiss and hug me goodbye. (And occasionally she'll ASK for me to leave ("go away, Mommy!"), so enjoy your exalted state while it lasts!)<br><br>
How do you get through it? - ack, it never got better, really, to deal with. The only consolation was the knowledge that she'd stop crying and start doing something else very soon after I left. As for lasting scars? - I have no idea. I sure hope not. But I don't know, and don't know that ANYONE knows, really. I like to think that, because I'm with her most of the time as it is, and am very attentive to her during that time, it'll be ok. But I don't know.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Isn't the not knowing such a stinky feeling?!<br><br>
I'm fortunate too that I'm not apart too much, I don't work full-time, but I just wish I could prevent it altogether.<br><br>
Wow, 18 months...spgghh. (She's only 10 months now)<br><br>
Her babysitter is awesome though and works with me in making the transition as easy and painless as possible. And welcomes my calls soon as I'm at work to ask if she's okay.
 

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Zoe still cries every time I leave her (she's 34 months, been @ school for 9 weeks).<br><br>
Yesterday she stopped crying before I could even reach the door to leave, since her teacher had her distracted & out the sight line.<br><br>
I was indignant!! (and relieved)<br><br>
That was the first time I got to see, first hand, what they had been telling me -- that the crying stops when the audience leaves......
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Can I just say that I love my babysitter!? We have been working with dd to make the transition as easy as possible and you know what? Today she didn't cry at all! In fact she was pretty happy and I was able to kiss her goodbye without the melt down.<br><br>
I suspect that this is not the end though...She seems to go in cycles. She'll be fine for a month, then have a rough week, and then another good coulple of weeks...etc.<br><br>
Anyway, thanks all...It does hurt to see them cry. Our dog just knocked her down tonight and she started crying and I felt so bad for her. She doesn't understand he's just a big galoot and doesn't know any better. (He's a big, dumb - very dumb, dog, who worships the ground she walks on).
 

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Does "sneaking out" work?<br><br>
I'm still SAHM, but on the odd occaison I step out without DD, I have to sneak away when she's distracted by something else, otherwise she'll cry if she sees me leaving without her. When I sneak away, she is totally fine and DH says she doesn't even act like I'm gone, though I get big smiles when I return!<br><br>
Anyways, looking ahead to when I'm working this January, I'm wondering if I should try to sneak out and avoid the tears, however by then she'll probably be talking and then she will be able to ask where I am and I think it would be mean not to say goodbye. Also, she'll figure out I do it every morning and would probably try to cling to me more!<br><br>
Sooo...has anybody tried that approach?
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Okay, I don't know if this will make any sense...but I usually kiss her goodbye and then the dcp gets her involved in something like blowing bubbles or playing with a noisy musical toy - then I sneak out. So, I say goodbye, but I also sneak out. I guess I just try not to make a production of leaving.<br><br>
I just don't think there's any way to do it perfectly and I think it's a matter of finding what works for your dc. I guess that's why I'm so happy with my babysitter - she's been so willing to try different things to see what works.<br><br>
I hope that helps, and I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that your dd will just love where she is and just wave bye! (I'm not sure that's great either....<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes">:
 

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alrighty wise mamas--I need help on this one too. we put my dd (20mo) in part-time Montessori this year, partly for her, partly for me. I'm a student, and although I can get it done with her around, its much less stressful when I have some time on my own to do reading. She loves other kids and her "best friend" is also at this school, so we figured it be a blast. We were SUCH proud AP parents when for the first week, she LOVED it. No tears, nothing. Then it was as if she realized that she was going to be going everyday no matter what. And she has two molars coming in. Last Wed she cried when I left then calmed down. Then Thurs she cried hard when I left and they called an hour and a half later and said she never really stopped (I almost died, she has never in her life cried that long). We figured out that she was teething. I tried taking her back on Fri and she cried if I took a step away, so I took her back home. She had a teething fever Mon so she stayed home. My dh took her yesterday and she was distracted and only cried a little bit when she saw him leave, and was done within a minute. Then I took her this morning and she screamed bloody murder. My strategy before was to tell her that I'd stay til she was comfortable, I'd wait til she was then I'd leave (essentially sneaking out, or as another momma put it--not making a big deal out of leaving). So I tried that today and she just wouldn't get comfortable. She wanted to nurse, something she never wants to do when kids are around because she's too busy with them. She cried hard. It broke my heart. I walked around all morning so so so bummed.<br><br>
I need advice on how to do this. I feel like everyone is saying she'll stop crying when you leave after a few weeks. But is it that she is giving up on me? I'm not into forcing her into independence before she's ready. We said we'd do this because it was something she'd enjoy but if she's not enjoying it? . . . . How long do we do this for? When is it time to throw in the hat and say she's trying to tell us she's not ready yet?<br><br>
This is so difficult. Moreso for me then her I think. It has clouded everything in my life. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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mamabuzybee -- I know its easy to be hard on yourself and feel guilty for the tears, but you need to take to heart the words early on in this thread that there is a stage where your child will show seperation anxiety despite being cared for by a quality loving person who your child knows and loves well. There is just a time when mommy reigns. It seemed easier on my first child when dad did the drop off. As far as lingering goodbyes, I cannot say that it made much difference but if your lingering conveys your feeling that you do not want to leave your child there, then I think she will hear and respond to that. Even my three year old would rather stay with mommy any day than "go to school" and I don't blame her as I felt the same way even when I was much older. IMO everyone needs time alone and time alone with other family members and that means that you cannot be with all family members at all times. As long as you are very satisfied that she is in a loving environment and will be comforted when you go and you spend regular quality time with her, you should view the parting tears as a sign of normal but significant cognitive development.
 

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My ds has been with a wonderful homecare provider since he was 6 months old. He did go through periods when he would cry and if I had to I would leave but I would listen outside the door until he stopped and he always stopped within 2 minutes. There were periods when he was older and more verbal where I wouldn't leave him crying. I would sit down and play with him and Maria (his sitter), and he would slowly make a transition. Kind of like he was emotionally going from my care to hers, ya know? I always talk him through what is going to happen, too. He really needs to know what to expect (it's funny because an old boss of mine told me I have a "high need-to-know level"). Anyway, he's now 3 and even this morning had a little trouble with me leaving. The sitter was taking all the kids out to a play centre and he just wasn't ready to leave so soon after arriving at her house. He just needs time to adjust. I stayed and talked to him and by the time the kids were ready to go he was ready and walked out the door happily.<br><br>
So I don't believe in ripping the bandaid off fast but it really is something you have to figure out for yourself and your baby. Your baby is at the age where she's realised that when you take her to that place you leave but she hasn't figured out yet that she has a good time and then you come back. That will come! You can develop a strategy for now but keep in mind that it should change with her development.<br><br>
And I personally think sneaking out is dishonest. It's important to me to be honest to my child even if it hurts. (I mean totally sneaking out without saying goodbye.)
 

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Liz, I really liked what you said. I don't want to be "dishonest" with DD. But I also fear what busybee said: I worry that it's like CIO in a way - they just get used to the disappointment of you leaving and stop feeling their emotions. Anyways, I am at least lucky that I pretty much set my own schedule. So if I have to take a bit longer to help DD deal with me leaving, I can. Thanks for the tips on that, Liz!
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;"><i>Originally posted by Piglet68</i><br><b>they just get used to the disappointment of you leaving and stop feeling their emotions.</b></td>
</tr></table></div>
Yes, I think if you face up to the emotions together, you'll both get stronger. When I think of sneaking out it would make it easier for me: I wouldn't see his pain. But if I admit to ds I'm leaving, that he will miss me and I will miss him, give us some time to feel sad, then I feel brave for facing his sadness and I think he feels braver, too. I'm making a simple parting sound like an opera! But I really feel good when we face these fears together and I think he does, too.<br><br>
However, this doesn't really apply to a 10 month old baby! Sorry for rambling, babybugmama!
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Well Liz, actually I think you're closer to the truth...She's now 11 months old and it is really hard to face that sad expression and wave bye-bye. But I do. I I blow lots of kisses and smile, even if it is a sad smile. I don't *sneak out* anymore because it didn't feel right. Plus, it made me feel sad when dcp would tell me soon as she realized I was gone she would cry for a few minutes. So, she knows that I'm leaving and she's sad too, but we both make up for it at the reunion. I swear I'm bouncing and singing just as much as she is...<br><br>
I think this is really important and you've helped me to think about it on a deeper level. That it is about coping, faith in love, being brave, and also being vulnerable. Yes, she's only 11 months old, but how we view the world is created at this point...do I trust the world or don't I? Is it predictable, or scary?<br><br>
I know that my dcp, more like grandma to me though...has helped a lot. She lets us find our own rhythm and has recognized that when I give dd a little extra time to transition to her home, that the departure is without tears. It is very much as you described, giving them a chance to say goodbye and hello.<br><br>
I'm grateful for the discussion.
 
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