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<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>bartleby</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1283886/separation-difficulties-and-the-adopted-child#post_16101089"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-bottom:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-right:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>Lollybrat, thank you for offering your experience. I really appreciate hearing your perspective. As much as I wish I could get inside my child's mind, I cannot. I do wonder if she is feeling what you mentioned feeling at that age. If you are up for sharing, do you think it would have helped you if your parents had asked you specifically if you were feeling sadness/fear around that loss at age 6/7? I often wonder if asking my daughter about it would be helpful to her. Aside from sharing her adoption story with her, which she loves to hear, I generally don't ask her questions about how she feels about it unless she brings it up. We are very open about talking about it, always have been, but I doubt that she shares everything that's on her mind. She surprised me with the "it doesn't make sense" comment, so I know she thinks about her adoption much much more than I thought she did.</p>
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<p>For myself and for some other adult adoptees I know (and keep in mind that all the adult adoptees I know are from the closed records era, so your situation is different) the ages of 6-8 were often the start of thinking about adoption a lot and trying to make sense of everything. Many developmental psychologists refer to this age as the "age of reason" becuase it when children generally become capable of more complex thoughs and conversation. But it's very easy for a child to become confused at that age as well.</p>
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<p>My Mom & Dad were (are) wonderful parents and I am very close to both of them. But they really did not know how to talk about adoption with us (my brother is also adopted). Like many parents of that era, they got bad advice from people who were supposed to be experts, but who really only had theories about what should be best. When we were young, my parents made the common mistake of thinking that if we (the kids) did not talk about or ask about our adoptions, it meant we were not thinking about it. But as a child, I thought and wondered about my adoption a lot, but I only asked my parents about it occassionally. I thought that if I talked about it, they wuold think I didn't love them or that I wasn't happy that they were my parents.</p>
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<p>I also loved to hear my Mom and Dad tell me my adoption story. I loved hearing about how they prepared my bedroom, how excited they were when the call came, what happened when the social worker placed me in their arms. But at that age I started to realize that this was their story, not my story. I started to realize that my life had not started in the visitation room at the adoption agency. Other kids talked about being born, not about being placed. I realized that "Mommy, where do babies come from?" and "Mommy, where did I come from?" were not the same question. They were very different questions indeed. Something had happened before Mom and Dad met me at the agency, and I couldn't figure out what that something was. Somehow I had lost one set of parents and I didn't even remember how it happened. It's hard for a little kid to understand the many valid reasons why birthparents place a child for adoption. So I somethimes thought that there must have been something wrong with me, maybe I was a bad baby. Somtimes I thought there must there must have been something wrong with them, maybe they were bad people. And yet, I was happy to be part of my adopted family, who I love very much. It was confusing because as a kid, I didn't understand that you can feel happy and sad at the same time.</p>
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<p>I think it would have helped if my parents had talked to me about sadness/loss/fear and adoption at that age. As an adult, I have talked to my Mom about this. She told me that they could see I had these feelings and they did wonder if they were related to adoption. But the "experts" at that time recommended against raising the issue, because conventional wisdom was that doing so would "put thoughts in the child's head". I doubt I really knew back then that those feelings were part of being adopted, but if my parents had talked to me about it, it might have helped me figure out the reason for the feelings. Also if my parents had in effect given me permission to feel sad (or angry or afraid) about the loss of my birthparents, it would have helped me later in my teen years.</p>
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<p>When I was in my early 20s I told my Mom and Dad that I wanted to search for my birthparents. I was so nervous about telling them. Mom immediately went into her closet and pulled down a box of newspaper clippings she had saved over the years. They were all stories about adoptees and birthparents searching and reuniting, articles about support groups, and changes in our state's adoption law. I was flabbergasted. Mom said she always knew that I would want to find my birthparents; she could always see that need in me. But she never knew how to talk about it with me. My whole childhood and teenage years she could see it, but we were both too afraid to talk about it. That's kind of sad, isn't it? Mom and Dad were (are) wise enough to understand that these feelings were not about them or their parenting. It was about me needing to resolve that loss I could never let go of. They were amazingly supportive during the emotional roller coaster that is Adoption Search and Reunion.</p>
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<p>When I was young, my parents had very little information about my birthfamily, only one typed page listing ethnicities and vague physical descriptions. My parents could only guess at the reasons why I was placed for adoption. You have a HUGE advantage in having an open adoption in that you can provide your child with more accurate and more detailed information as well as access to her birth family. Just don't be afraid to talk about her feelings, or yours.</p>
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<p>I don't know if any of what I've written here makes sense. I don't know if any of it applies to your daughter. This got really long and I've gone beyond the scope of your orgianl question (sorry!). But I hope you can find something helpful in it.</p>
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