[mamatoady]

thank you for all the replies already. mod asked me to move it here and I'd be appreciative to hear what anyone else might have to add.

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Question: If your DH had the following bullets directed from him and your marriage was over anyway, would this be enough for you to refuse to allow him to care for your children without supervision and refuse him overnight visits. I feel like it is, but I question myself because sometimes my emotions mask possible other choices.

* Known porn addiction since Feb. '01
* Unwilling to be consistent in family/self therapy process
* Unapologetic, unfeeling, about the effects of porn on himself, myself, and the kids
* Unapologetic, unfeeling, about dd pulling porn up on the computer 2-4 times.
* Falling asleep half-naked (penis out) at computer w/porn--if unfound by me might have been visible to dd had she woken in the night…min. 2-3 times.
* Masturbated in bedroom in AM while dd ran around through room and upstairs. I caught him/stopped him.Unapologetic and unfeeling about affects.
* lies and $ spent on porn when bills needed to be paid
* looks constantly for excused for doing it calling it "OK" and "normal"
* found emails (therapist has copies) of concrete times/dates/cell #'s given to meet up for sex a number of times over many months for sex with women and men.
* places picture of himself and dd on a personals page to advertise sex for him.
* coming home with sex paraphernalia (plastic testicals) on key chain and allowing dd to see it and even bring it to him.
* downloaded legal porn under titles of pedophilia…10,11,12,yr olds, incest btwn father and daughter, sister/brother, rape of minors. Found hidden in computer Aug. 12, '06. Talked about on Aug. 16th, dh's response was: "just delete it…it was 6 months ago and I haven't done anything since then, and then he proceeded to blame me for taking my love away and that's why he downloaded that stuff." no apologies or reassurance that the children were safe with him.

i just want to make sure that I've given him the benefit of the doubt and it's still not good enough.
sorry if I upset anyone with this post, I need objective point's of view before I make some big decisions.
sarah

 

[earthmama369]

In a word, no. No way in hell I would allow unsupervised visitation.

 

[supermuma]

No way. Trust your instincts, as well as the facts you just laid out! You are right mama!

 

[RiverSky]

It is way more than enough to get the children as far from him as is possible, forever, hopefully. I'm so sorry for your situation, Mama!!!

 

[Stone Fence]

to your spidey sense mama. It won't steer you wrong.

 

[Yoshua]

Just remember that you have to get this solidified through the courts.

I don't know all the legal mumbo jumbo but I do know that until the courts make a decision witholding visitation 'can' potentially hurt your case.

Get a lawyer FAST and get some REAL legal advice on the situation.

Porn 'addiction' is not enough, but added with the other incidents you have listed it shouldn't be a problem to get sole custody.

 

[Strong Mama]

NO NO NO and no. ((HUGS))) I want to cry for you and your dd.

 

[Stone Fence]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yoshua Just remember that you have to get this solidified through the courts.

:

mama

 

[Mama8]

Document and preserve everything. Get an aggressive lawyer fast and get it judged on in the courts. I do not see how 10 11 12 year old porn is legal. Call the police so they can report the child porn so they can seize his computer. This is no small matter and has the all the hallmarks of a pedophile. Good luck mama

 

[HaveWool~Will Felt]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stone Fence to your spidey sense mama. It won't steer you wrong.

agreed.

I am so sorry this is happening to him, you and your children.
Addiction is cunning and baffling.
Hold strong.....YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

 

[AnnesMoM]

I second the pp that said to get a good lawyer. Father or not, this person should never be allowed around children or adolescents unsupervised. Make sure you have clear and irrefutable evidence, I'm sure a lawyer could tell you what you need to do.

ETA: You might want to think about some therapy for your dd, too, children notice a lot more than we think they do.

 

[frowningfrog]

No way would I ever let my children be alone with this man, and if I was orderd to allow it , I would go on the run. But thats just me.

 

[Oh the Irony]

you've given him the benefit of the doubt. get out and get your dd out or get him out. i would refuse unsupervised visits. totally.

 

[captain crunchy]

I agree with the pp's. There is no way in hell a man like that would be around my children -- think of it this way mama, if someone moved in next door to you and you knew this about them, would you let your children go over to their house and play? I think not.

All the porn stuff is way icky, but what solidified it for me was the masturbation when your daughter could have walked in (you said she was running from room to room), the exposed *privates* in front of porn where your daughter could have woken up, your daughter accidentally pulling up porn on the computer and he not seeming to think it was any big deal, and most of all --- THE CHILD PORN HE WAS LOOKING AT.

Keep.your.children.away.from.him. Seriously. Anyone else's too.

Good luck mama.

 

[andisunshine]

Yeah, keep him away! Really, if he was posting himself and dd to solicit sex I would be concerned that dd has been mistreated in some way. How do you know he hasn't already abused her? By the way, the courts will probably want to know why you "took the love away" and caused him to download that stuff.
Andi

 

[LoveChild421]

Make sure you have as much evidence as you can get before he erases all of the stuff from the computer, etc. You'll need all of this documented or the courts will just throw it out.

There is no way I would allow my child to have unsupervised visits with him I were you.

 

[Tori Gollihugh]

I don't think there's any question. If this were my partner, he wouldn't be for long AND I would do EVERYthing in my power to ensure my child(ren)'s safety from his sexual addiction and illness(es)!!!!

Do whatever you need to do to protect your daughter (and son??)!!!!

 

[sparklefairy]

I think I might be taking the computer to the police department. They will be able to find nasty crap on it even if it's been deleted.

Did the personals ad specifically refer to sex? Can you get a screen shot of it? I'm just wondering if it really comes close enough to soliciting the child for sexual interaction to charge him with anything.

 

[mamawanabe]

I was actually OK with everything till the last bullet (I don't think sex is something to shield kids from, and, while I couldn't stayed married to a man who was into porn and while I think porn is very messed up in its portryls of sex and women, I'd be confident about my ability to counteract the effects of them running accross porn on dad's computer. They would understand that dad has an addiction. But unlike an alcoholaddiction, that addiction doesn't put them in material danger when they are with him - so what if they see sleeping dad's penis -. He did masterbate when they were running around the house, but I am assuming that you were there too - that it isn't like he was upstairs in his room with no one was watching the kids to make sure that they didn't start a fire etc).

But then we hit that last bullet. THAT is a problem. Porn addiction doesn = incest. But interest in child pornography and pictoral representations of incest DOES = potenial for incest.

 

[Eli's_mommy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamatoady * downloaded legal porn under titles of pedophilia…10,11,12,yr olds, incest btwn father and daughter, sister/brother, rape of minors. Found hidden in computer Aug. 12, '06. Talked about on Aug. 16th, dh's response was: "just delete it…it was 6 months ago and I haven't done anything since then, and then he proceeded to blame me for taking my love away and that's why he downloaded that stuff." no apologies or reassurance that the children were safe with him.

How is that legal, again? That's creepy creepy weird and I don't like it.