[dayxday]

Okay, so I'm 18 weeks pregnant and my partner has been away for six weeks. I'm finally flying out to see him, and then he's returning home with me. Here's the thing: we've always struggled in terms of sexual intimacy. Part of the problem is that he's much older than me, but more than that he's always asked prying questions about my past sexual experiences. That aside, he sent me a list of items to buy--generally of the lingerie variety--for my visit and, frankly, I don't feel like parading around in a pair of suspenders right now nor do I think that's the answer to reviving our sex life. Truth be told, I never feel like parading around in suspenders and have always hated it when past boyfriends bought them for me--and here he is saying "well, you did it with other people." Well, I resented that "other people" expected me to wear sex outfits!

Anyway, it's really upsetting because we just had a big argument about it. He says I'm not buying them because our intimacy is always at the bottom of my to-do list. Little does he know that when he acts like this HE goes to the bottom of my to do list.

I just don't know how to solve this crisis in our sex life at this juncture in our relationship. I'm pregnant (obviously) and he has really high expectations of me in terms of sex. But, honestly, what I feel is really missing from our intimacy is just that. Instead sex feels like a bargaining chip and this suspenders thing adds to that in my mind. And with this baby on the way...right now the idea of sex is giving me anxiety because it's like he has a calendar at hand marking how often and in what positions we do it. I don't think I'm a prude, but I feel myself pulling away in times like these--and this is the time we need to be much closer.

Point is, I have a healthy sexual appetite. It's just my partner isn't making it particularly appetizing.

What on earth am I supposed to do?

 

[Ziggysmama]

Ask HIM to wear the suspenders

 

[dayxday]

LOL! That's good.

 

[Ziggysmama]

I just wanted to add, you don't have to do anything that you don't want to do, be strong and firm with that. Him telling you "well you've done it before with other guys" is unacceptable and manipulative.

Has he ever asked you about any of your fantasies?

 

[Mamaperk]

I don't usually chime in on these sort of posts cause how can I really comment on these things without knowing the whole story ... but...

It SOUNDS to me like he is manipulating you. I'm not saying he's purposely doing that or trying to hurt you. Have you explained to him that you didn't like it with past boyfriends and it bothered you then, and worse now?

Maybe if he realized how invested you were in THIS relationship (as opposed to those others ) he wouldn't try to use these sorta things as a tool or score card against you.

Is this your first pregnancy? If so, perhaps you can remind him that there are a lot of things that you share with HIM that you never shared with those other guys ...

Don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Stand your ground ... it's one thing to compromise on some things that you may not 'love' but don't 'hate' either ... we probably all do that from time to time ... but if something is making you uncomfortable ... or really bothering you ... that is not enjoyable as a couple.

And this is sorta off topic but I do have to wonder where men get their ideas from ... porn probably ... men are visual - I get that ... but sometimes they need to be reminded that they are making love to their partner or wife, and not screwing around with a porn star.

:

 

[sapphire_chan]

Sounds like he needs some counseling to get over his inadequacy issues. This isn't a new thing in your relationship, it's just an extra annoying thing because he's keeping up with the BS even though you're pregnant.

(Oh, and how scary would a Google for "suspenders lingerie" be? I'm imagining some sort of garter variation, but if it's something...inventive...I don't think I want to know.)

 

[Mamato3wild ponnie]

Can i ask some questions to gain more of an understanding? Do you live together? Is this his first child?
It's very possible that he still see's you the way that he did before you got prego's. Thus he is fantasizing about that ideal in his head. Did you all role play before you got prego's?
Also seems ....just asuming that he is finacially supporting you? So if he is... are you feeling the need to go along with his demands in spite of your true feelings of not wanting to....just because you afraid you may lose that aspect/perks of the relationship?
I have seen this happen to a friend and it was so hard for her.
Her older sperm donor wanted her to wear wigs and all kinds of special things...and after awhile that excitment...newness....idea of money went away and she couldnt handle it any more.
when you say he's been gone for 6 weeks....is what made me think the this relationship is not the average...yet most peoples isnt now a days....just got me thinking about my dear friend and what she went through.
I can understand how his words are hurting you, my ex played that game with me. It hurt so bad....esp. with you being pregnant. It like now your ready to be in a mama mode rather than being looked at in a sexual/role playing mode. Big hugs to you, i hope that you can work through this and move on.

 

[avivaelona]

I think suspenders are what garter belts are called in some places?

In some ways its nice that he has a fantasy life that includes you, but not if he's going to be manipulative and uncaring of how you feel about it. The jealousy about past relationships is his issue not yours, he needs to find some way of dealing with it and you need to limit your discussion of it. Its hard to sort all this out though while you are feeling pregnant and vulnerable...it seems like counseling could help but that's hard when you aren't even in the same place at the moment.

I think maybe just gently saying "no" and not discussing it in terms of what you did with other boyfriends might be the best answer for now. What does attract you to him? Can you substitute some other fantasy that does work for you, or do something else that lets him know you desire HIM, just not the particular scenario or his insistance on it?

 

[Mommy StormRaven]

Is it REALLY such a big deal to put on somethign that he likes?

Seriously - I knwo it's not the most fun for you but in terms of intimacy you need to maybe think of it in a different way. DH LOVES when I dress up for him - even though I'm not always the most comfortable doing it. and our relationship suffered because of that. It's a simple thing, and whether YOU think it shows intimacy or not it may very well show it to him.

In the end I realised that it showed somethign to Dh for me to do this - not that I'm some Hotter than hot mama but that I care about what makes him happy and if putting on a costume or lingerie once in a whiel makes him happy then what harm does it do me? None really.

Relationships are about compromise and this - in the greater scheme of things - IMO is a pretty small compromise....

Quote:

And this is sorta off topic but I do have to wonder where men get their ideas from ... porn probably ... men are visual - I get that ... but sometimes they need to be reminded that they are making love to their partner or wife, and not screwing around with a porn star.

My DH has never ever watched porn in his life he jsut likes fantasy sometimes. dont' we all?

 

[truelife]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mommy StormRaven Is it REALLY such a big deal to put on somethign that he likes? Seriously - I knwo it's not the most fun for you but in terms of intimacy you need to maybe think of it in a different way. DH LOVES when I dress up for him - even though I'm not always the most comfortable doing it. and our relationship suffered because of that. It's a simple thing, and whether YOU think it shows intimacy or not it may very well show it to him. In the end I realised that it showed somethign to Dh for me to do this - not that I'm some Hotter than hot mama but that I care about what makes him happy and if putting on a costume or lingerie once in a whiel makes him happy then what harm does it do me? None really. Relationships are about compromise and this - in the greater scheme of things - IMO is a pretty small compromise.... My DH has never ever watched porn in his life he jsut likes fantasy sometimes. dont' we all?

Without knowing the OPs past I don't think one can assume that it's "no big deal" to do role playing. She clearly wrote in her first post that wearing suspenders made her feel uncomfortable and that she doesn't like it. No one should be made to feel uncomfortable during such an intimate and vulnerable time, and role playing can negatively effect women.

Being intimate with your partner goes far beyond the act of sex, and is an overflow of admiration, love and respect for the other partner. If someone is trying to talk another adult into something they are not comfortable with it is manipulative, disrespectful, and dishonorable. Chances are if the person doesn't care about how demeaning a sexual desire may be to their specific partner, then the same behavior probably also overflows into other areas of the relationship. I think a couple's sex life speaks multitudes about the couple's relationship.

 

[KnitLady]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mommy StormRaven Is it REALLY such a big deal to put on somethign that he likes?

I think it really can be a huge deal. I know that in the past I've done things I was really uncomfortable with an ended up feeling resentful towards him and angry at myself for a loooong time. In the end, I decided it wasn't worth it. The last thing a relationship needs is simmering resentment.

To the OP: Would he be open to counseling? I think past relationships and what you did or didn't do it off limits! It's in the past and no longer matters. It really isn't fair for him to bring it up. I know that might suck for him, but that is just how it is sometimes. Is he receptive to you telling how you feel that you are looking for and missing real intimacy and the sex clothes make you feel _____?

 

[whalemilk]

Couldn't we just reverse the question and say "is it REALLY such a big deal for him to just drop this petty matter out of respect for his wife?"

 

[Mommy StormRaven]

Quote:

Originally Posted by whalemilk Couldn't we just reverse the question and say "is it REALLY such a big deal for him to just drop this petty matter out of respect for his wife?"

I suppose we could but the bigger point is - how much has he done for her that he may not be comfortable with as well? This is somethign we dont' know. I'm speakign from my own experience (it's the only experience I can speak from) if you read my post I was staing what it did to/for my relationship

See I seem to get flack from peopel everytime I post a "devils advocate" type of post. We know her view, we dont' knwo what concessions he may have made to the things she wants and needs. I'm jsut pointing out that there may be somethign we dont' know. he may have done a million things that he's not all that comfortable with becuase they meant somethign to her - we just don't know and I'm not willign to put ALL of it on a single party in a relationship. My own experience tells me other things are possible and even can be positive. That is the place I'm speakgin from.

Good goddess...

 

[Cherry Alive]

This is a good discussion for Savage Love. He has an excellent column and a fun podcast on relationships and sexual etiquette.

OP - Without knowing more about your situation and what kind of exact conversations you have with your guy, advice is limited. What's going on could be a miscommunication or it could be your guy piggishly disregarding your feelings.

It is so hard with pregnancy, isn't it? Pregnancy can be a very unsexy thing for many of us...especially when MS, anxieties, insecurities, weird body changes, and fatigue are involved.

Have you made it very clear to him about how you feel? Have you offered him other outlets while the sex and fantasy costumes are off the table?

If you have, and he's still whining about it, tell him to be a man and rough it out for a while. If you haven't been clear with him or offered him alternative solutions, it'd be good to sit down (when he's not distracted by amorous feelings) and have a good talk with him. Tell him how you feel, offer him compromises (ex - porn, "manual," or maybe special fantasy sessions at very limited--but planned--dates, etc...), and see if the two of you can't find a good compromise so you both feel appreciated, yet respected.

Whether we want to believe it or not, sex can be a very important to a marriage. Yeah, some argue it's just the icing on the cake, but for many people a cake just isn't cake without the icing, KWIM? Sexual urges are part of being human, and they come in many flavors. Some of us like vanilla. Some of us like chocolate. As long as it's two consenting adults, no one is necessarily right or wrong. This is not to say, it gives a man (or even a woman) a right to demand sex from a partner. Still, it is something important to take into account with when there are long periods we (or they) can't deliver. Taking that into account prevents sexual frustration, resentment (on both ends), and potential cheating.

There's a lot of ways to make a guy (or girl) "happy" and it doesn't have to involve being in the mood or feeling degraded... Sometimes it just involves doing something small (and occasionally spontaneous and kinky) to make them feel appreciated while helping them find a release. I won't post anything specific here, bc I'll probably get my dirty little mind banned, but I'll just say it can really keep the tension down and help a couple stay close together.

The best way to work it out is to openly talk about it, and be open to finding compromises so both parties can stay happy, satisfied and content.

 

[imahappybrat]

I second making him wear the suspenders

 

[UnassistedMomma]

Just to clarify, by "suspenders" are we talking about a garter belt for stockings, or "suspenders" in the American sense of the word - over the shoulder for pants?

 

[onetwoten]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mommy StormRaven Is it REALLY such a big deal to put on somethign that he likes? Seriously - I knwo it's not the most fun for you but in terms of intimacy you need to maybe think of it in a different way. DH LOVES when I dress up for him - even though I'm not always the most comfortable doing it. and our relationship suffered because of that.

To be completely honest, this makes me sick to even read.
She said it upsets her. End of story. She didn't say "It doesn't turn me on" or "I'd rather do something else. She said that dressing up like that- upsets her. Why should she have to 'compromise' with something like that?

As someone who's been abused, it makes me sick that women are essentially being told to 'suck it up' for the greater good.

 

[jenniferadurham]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jeninejessica To be completely honest, this makes me sick to even read. She said it upsets her. End of story. She didn't say "It doesn't turn me on" or "I'd rather do something else. She said that dressing up like that- upsets her. Why should she have to 'compromise' with something like that? As someone who's been abused, it makes me sick that women are essentially being told to 'suck it up' for the greater good.

~~~~You should NEVER ask someone to do something for you-in this manner-if it makes them uneasy. ESPECIALLY when they are pregnant.

 

[sapphire_chan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by UnassistedMomma Just to clarify, by "suspenders" are we talking about a garter belt for stockings, or "suspenders" in the American sense of the word - over the shoulder for pants?

Either way, I can't help but try to picture them on my 9 months pregnant body and it's a scary scary image.