[penstamon]

I've mentioned this before, but I still have not gotten over my fears and sickness yet. I dont want sex. At all. I dont feel sexy, I dont want to dress sexy, in fact I feel kinda frumpy. It's upsetting because I'm normally a very sexual person but I feel yucky all the time now. No desire. I'm also still scared to have sex because after spotting last week I dont think I can handle seeing that again.

I know things will get worse when I am huge and uncomfortable and then after my body gets torn up and stretched I will need to heal so no sex for awhile.

Please, any advice? Poor DH has been great and I know he needs it, but the thought of BJ's makes me want to puke.

 

[songbird45]

ugh, it's difficult to dtd in my sleep, so I haven't. I just sleep all the time. Dh has been great, and maybe he's entertaining himself with his right hand, and maybe he's not, but he isn't complaining to me. I promise I'll seduce him when I'm awake again.

 

[ATruck]

You might be one of the many who starts feeling more amorous in the 2nd trimester! When the nausea fades, and all of those crazy hormones do the trick.

I have to say, I was not prepared for how unsexy I would feel postpartum and breastfeeding.

 

[mamaveggie]

With both of my dds we had a dry spell during the 1st trimester, but when I got into the 2nd I couldn't get enough.

I no longer felt ill and my libido kicked into overdrive, even moreso than normal so hopefully this is just temporary for you.

 

[penstamon]

I hope so! 2nd trimester, here I come... Its just so hard to feel so unappealing. I've even been dressing more "comfy" (i.e. frumpy) because I only care about warmth, comfort, and not getting sick on nice clothes.

 

[DahliaRW]

I agree, usually it's worse in the first trimester but gets better in the 2nd. And then in the 3rd you're willing to have sex because you hope it'll jump start labor! LOL!

 

[mamaveggie]

Quote:

Originally Posted by penstamon I hope so! 2nd trimester, here I come... Its just so hard to feel so unappealing. I've even been dressing more "comfy" (i.e. frumpy) because I only care about warmth, comfort, and not getting sick on nice clothes.

Spring will be here soon, along with full pregnant bellies. Once you could obviously tell I was pregnant and not just gaining weight I felt much better about my body.

 

[bemommy]

It can be difficult to find the energy and time for sex. . but when I do. . WOW I love pregnant sex. It's been great so far, hoping for better once the 2nd trimester starts and I have more energy.

 

[emptytank2000]

I totally understand. It's hard to feel sexy when you heaved for the umpteenth time that day. There is no loving happening in my house right now OF ANY SORT if you know what I mean. I can't even brush my teeth without gagging.

The joys of the first trimester. My consolation is that I am 20% of the way there!

 

[dogmom327]

For me, the first trimester is a lost cause and postpartum was actually worse. Second trimester is okay but DH is a bit freaked out by pregnant bellies (or at least has a hard time seeing it as sexy) so I'm hoping the nausea will subside before I really start to show.

 

[GoddessJ]

I am not in your group (actually due in March) but I couldn't help but notice this post becuase I am a sexual wellness educator who is moving into specializing- helping couples get through pregnancy and beyond. I am going to try and write this as PG as possible, but sometimes hard to do with this topic, so forgive me.

I was really, really sick during my first trimester too. I slept most of the day and lost most of my desire too. I too am a highly sensual person so this was a very new experience. But my partner was great! Every day he did gentle nipple stimulation which helped me produce more oxytocin and he gave me sensual massages without pressuring me to do anything that I didn't want to do. I worked on my end to keep my sensual energy high by doing self touch and self care. And those Kegel are also good to help you keep your sensual self in shape.

I found that during my second trimester my drive returned with vigor. That may or may not be the case for you, but it is usually when you feel best and sexiest. Plus you are getting a lot of extra blood flow down there which increases your chances for great orgasms.

Most important though is communication with your partner. Is he okay taking care of himself until you feel better? Is he okay with making love to you gently, and doing the majority of the work for awhile? Remind him that it isn't forever. Also there are lots of things that you can do that aren't BJ or Intercourse- massage, mutual self pleasuring, kissing, nipple stimulation etc. It is vital to work all of this out before the postpartum period. There are many couples (85% of my practice is this) who never recover their sex lives after the birth of a child. It is good to create a plan now, to talk about this now. How will both of you get your needs met?

It is important that he not pressure you (sounds like he is doing great so far) as this creates resentment on your part. And it is important that you find ways to nurture him, so that he won't resent you. That is one of the biggest turn offs and ultimately kills sensual wellness- RESENTMENT.

Hope that helps. Glad you all are talking about this as there are many people who feel alone around this subject.

Feel free to PM me with any questions.

 

[shantiani]

I'm feeling very unsexy, bloated, queasy, tired, and blah. Not so much in the mood right now. DP thinks the idea of me being preg is the sexiest thing ever and he can't wait to see my big belly. I love that he feels that way. I just hope the 2nd tri gets me back in the mood so he can enjoy his pregnant lady sex fantasies!

And it sounds like I should try to be extra good to him if he's going to get cut off postpartum too

 

[cearbear]

I guess I'm still ok with my body right now, but I'm definitely NOT in the mood. We finally had sex this past weekend after several weeks (3 according to DH, but who's counting?

). Though I have to say the O was incredible. Of course, between nausea and a day long headache today, I'm totally not in the mood. I hope I get it back in the 2nd trimester too!

 

[Quindin]

Things do get better.
Normally, the sex drive shoots off the roof for most women in the second trimester. In the third trimester, I find that my drive is still pretty high, but sex becomes very difficult with the huge belly. The good thing though, is that sex gets rid of most aches and pains in the end of pregnancy.

Now, my drive is minimal

 

[penstamon]

GoddessJ- thanks for your advice, and to everyone else for sharing their experiences. After spending the day so far on my couch and hovering above the porcelain queen, sex is gonna have to wait.

Aside from feeling yucky, I think a lot of this stems from me not being familiar with the changes in my body (its our first) and I have been reading all these horror stories about stretch marks, veins, extra weight, bloating, scars, hair loss, destruction of genitals during birth, that deep down I'm scared and insecure when I'm not nauseous.

 

[songbird45]

Quote:

Originally Posted by penstamon Aside from feeling yucky, I think a lot of this stems from me not being familiar with the changes in my body (its our first) and I have been reading all these horror stories about stretch marks, veins, extra weight, bloating, scars, hair loss, destruction of genitals during birth, that deep down I'm scared and insecure when I'm not nauseous.

I know! It's like going through puberty all over again, you have no idea what to expect from your body ... after all, you read the boards and know what the range of normal is, but you don't know what your particular body is going to do.

I figure everyone else manages to heal from pg and birth and have enough sex for multiple kids, so I probably will too.

 

[alicewyf]

I haven't really been into sex either. I think DH has been noticing because he told me I haven't been as affectionate lately. I think it is because I don't want sex as much (I do it about once a week now just because I don't think it is fair to him...he is a pretty amorous person as I used to be pre-pg), and previously almost any cuddling/kissing led to sex, so I just don't want to initiate that.

It really is all about communication for us, I think. Today I called him at work and told him I wanted to cuddle when he got home, and that I loved him, but that I wasn't really in the mood for sex. He was REALLY happy. He just wants to know that I still love him and all that.

I know you didn't mention this or bring this up, but I am also really scared of porn being introduced to our household because of lack of sex (which I have been told happens often with pregnancy and kids), so I will pretty much let him do anything he needs to (without penetration) if he is feeling really crazy or something. I really work to make sure he always associates sex with me, even if I really don't feel like doing anything super-involved. Of course I am super-paranoid about this b/c I grew up in a house where my dad's porn use was a problem for my mom, so YMMV.

 

[penstamon]

Quote:

Originally Posted by alicewyf I know you didn't mention this or bring this up, but I am also really scared of porn being introduced to our household because of lack of sex (which I have been told happens often with pregnancy and kids), so I will pretty much let him do anything he needs to (without penetration) if he is feeling really crazy or something. I really work to make sure he always associates sex with me, even if I really don't feel like doing anything super-involved. Of course I am super-paranoid about this b/c I grew up in a house where my dad's porn use was a problem for my mom, so YMMV.

Amen to that! We had this issue when we lived apart years ago, and as we have grown together I became more comfortable with porn ONLY if it was not hidden, private, secret, etc. and could be something we both could enjoy. I'm not really into it but I felt it was fair to him only if he would play by my rules and we're both comfortable with that. It has worked for awhile and now that you've mentioned it, I think I may need to reopen that conversation to make DH understand that he doesnt want a preggo mama finding a hidden porn stash

: or I wont be responsible for what the hormones make me do!!

 

[2sweetboysmom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by alicewyf ... I will pretty much let him do anything he needs to (without penetration) if he is feeling really crazy or something. I really work to make sure he always associates sex with me, even if I really don't feel like doing anything super-involved. Of course I am super-paranoid about this b/c I grew up in a house where my dad's porn use was a problem for my mom, so YMMV.

ITA
Porn was one of the key factors contributing to the demise of my first marriage, so I tend to be a bit paranoid on that count too.

My new dh and I both tend to be pretty high energy/need in that area normaly, so missing even a day is pretty obvious. I am still desireous but usually too green to attempt anything most nights. He too really wants to feel connected. We cuddle a lot and some nights (not all but some) the endorphens from the cuddeling temporarily reduce my nausea to the point that I can be more...involved

. Come on second tri!!

 

[ratrodgrl]

I haven't had as much an issue with this as I did when pregnant with DS, probably b/c I haven't had morning sickness this time around. There's nothing like getting motion sickness when you're trying to get it on! However, we stayed 'connected' the whole pregancy and I know it's good for your uterus if you can keep the home fires burning throughout the pregnancy. Plus, hello extra blood flow and amazing orgasms later on!!! If you're not feeling it now, try to take care of your partner in ways that don't make you turn green. Instead of a bj, try a hand job

I agree that making sure to give physical contact, cuddling, kissing if you can, just making sure they feel like you still love them and are attracted to them even if you can't do anything about it... that's really important to keep your love life going strong.

I had no tearing (thank you, water birth!) so I'm not sure if that's what the OP was referring to with recovery after birth; when we got to the post-partum sex point things were slow to recover but that is part of being exhausted and nursing non-stop. Sometimes I just needed for my body to NOT be needed!!! When you start feeling better I think things will pick up.