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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Today, my <a href="http://www.freewebs.com/carrieg/index.htm" target="_blank">little girl</a> would be 5 years old. This anniversary has been a hard one for me; I think, because it seems like such an important year. All summer, I have been seeing notices for and hearing about Kindergarten registration. She would have started school next Monday; we would have met her teacher tonight. What a great birthday treat that would have been for a 5 year old! When I took my oldest school shopping this past weekend, I kept seeing all the little girls and their dresses, their pink backpacks. We still had a great time, though, he loves to shop for clothes <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> My sweet, sweet boy--the look on his face when we had to tell him his sister had died. Of everything, that haunts me the most. His innocence died that day, too. The hours we spent stomping our feet together and screaming together and getting through it together and helping each other heal. And now, I catch him teaching our youngest to say her name and say sister. And my youngest doesn't really know who she is, but smiles and point to her picture if you say "where is Sam?" My heart is aching today for what could have been. Every time I look at family pictures, the composition seems off--I see her missing. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. Most days, it doesn't hurt like this, and I am eternally grateful to be past that stage of grieving. But those days where it does, it's like it is happening all over again. I have dreamt of babies and labor and birthing most nights the past few weeks--at that moment it is real and happening for the first time all over again. I am ready to be me again, and I realized that I will never be the same. I still categorize my life in before and after that day. I just want to feel sorry for myself today.<br><br>
Two songs: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3LUc78vbDk" target="_blank">I Can Only Imagine</a><br><br>
and the 6th one down <a href="http://www.cmt.com/artists/az/chesney_kenny/videos.jhtml" target="_blank">Who You'd Be Today</a>
 

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I am so sorry. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"> it really just sucks <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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i get so wrapped up in my daily life with my kiddos...that often several days will go by without thinking of the angels i never got to have.<br><br>
and then, out of the blue...something will slap you in the face and remind you.<br><br>
it could be the flowers that i received...it could be the red tag from the levis i was sewing when it started the last time...it could be almost anything.<br><br>
luckily, it happens less and less...
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I know those milestones are so hard- thinking about what she would be doing. I hope you had a gentle day and were able to do something comforting.
 

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I'm so sorryj. Huge hugs!<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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"The mind has a dumb sense of vast loss---that is all. It will take mind and memory months and possibly years to gather all the details and thus learn and know the whole extent of the loss." ---Mark Twain<br><br>
Losing a child changes the entire trajectory of your life. Nothing is what it should be, and never will be again. Not that life can't be good, but it is so different from what it was supposed to be....<br><br>
I'm so sorry you don't have your Sam with you, so sorry for your pain.<br><br>
Holding you in my heart tonight. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug">
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thank you all for your kind words and hugs. I had a good cry, listened to som music and cried some more, and then snuggled with my youngest. Which is pretty amazing, as he is at the wiggly toddler stage right now. I remembered to take a sleeping pill last night (the other bad nights in the past couple of weeks I had forgotten to do so) so if I dreamed, I don't remember it, and feel much better today. Most of the time, I remember to take a sleeping pill if I am having a hard day/time, but wasn't consistent with it this time (I don't need help, ha!) which I think makes it much worse for me as bad dreams tend to haunt me anyway. Thank you all again, and I am so sorry that your expereinces have led you to where you understand.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I am a day late but my thoughts are with you. Happy Birthday Samantha Jean.<br><br>
You deserve to have a day to "just feel sorry for yourself" It really really sucks to lose a much wanted baby and while the pain lessens it never goes away.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Thanks, mamas. It's been a long time for the three of us, hasn't it? Hard to believe it's been so long...
 

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My little one would have been 2 this month, I can't believe how fast it has gone by. Sometimes I look at my 3 boys, my youngest just turned 1 in July and I realize that something is missing. I have always had a feeling that my little angel was a girl, but m/c at 8wks we couldn't know for sure. My oldest asks all the time for a sister and sometimes it makes me want to cry..or I watch my neice playing in her princess costumes and tears well up. I have poor me days sometimes where I'm just so sad and cant' figure out why, and then it dawns on me <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">: I still feel her with me, and I imagine I always will.
 
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