Mothering Forum banner

1 - 20 of 29 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,149 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
i am just full of posts today! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> sorry everyone <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/duck.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Duck">:<br><br>
So, can those of you who have adopted children through your state's foster care system share with me your stories and experiences?<br><br>
Our adoption plans are just not working out, and I am feeling demoralized. We adopted our dd through foster care, but it was an almost too perfect situation. I want to know the realities of other foster care experiences, and what we might expect if we should choose to pursue this route again.<br><br>
our dd came home perfectly healthy at 3 days old, had zero birth family involvement, and her adoption was finalized by her 1st bday. I realize how incredibly Atypical this is~!<br><br>
Just as a side note for relevancy, we are very clearly pre adoptive, though in our state there is no difference in licencing, only placement preferences. So we would be open to children free for adoption, close to TPR, or children entering the system that have red flags for not going home, ie other sibs adopted or things of that nature.<br><br>
Thanks to everyone in advance.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,568 Posts
We haven't adopted yet but are in the process.<br><br>
G came to us at one month old. His birth parents were a couple and made nearly every visit three times a week with an hour plus ride to get there. (They did miss a Halloween visit because they thought the agency was closed for the holiday). When G was four or five months old, they moved to the area and got hooked up with services- an apartment, clothes, case manager...when he was seven months they finally started in home visits. By ten months all visits were unsupervised and at 11 months we started overnight visits. He was scheduled to return to them for a trial placement and the day before his first birthday, his parents broke up. They got back together and things were about back to normal when the broke up again. That was the begining of the end. The next few months, DHS was still technically working to reunify but that's hard to do when noone trusted the dad to see the child alone and the mom had a 50% no show rate for her visits. By 16 months the department served the parents the TPR petition and the TPR was ordered when he was 17 months old. Neither showed for court so it was granted right from the bench.<br><br>
It was the most emotional difficult thing we have done as a couple. We totally loved G and wanted what was best for him even though in our opinion, reunification was not really the right thing for him (and I admit for us). We watched his birth parents have every thing handed to them and listened to everyone say how wonderful they were doing only to know that while they loved G, there was no real way they could give him the attention and nurturing he needed to simply survive. And once DHS pulled out there services would stop and how would they manage when they still had to do nothing for themselves. It was heartbreaking when he returned from visits screaming bloody murder at night. That was the hardest. Of course, no one valued our opinion because we were just 'emotional' foster parents who were 'too' attached. Whatever it was they all thought. But I know what I heard and saw and the G man was one confused baby when h was being bounced from house to house.<br><br>
It was really hard but after the first breakup, so almost year into it, I realized that his birth mom was intentionally sabotaging the reunification and I started thinking he was going to stay with us. After the second break up I was almost certain it would happen even though the Department continued the reunification efforts. A tough road, but worth it in the end.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,287 Posts
We also had a fairly uneventful foster to adopt, but even that was a roller coaster ride. TPR had been ordered and was pretty much a done deal, then birth dad started to fight the adoption. He was mostly a no show at court dates, but he did show up often enough to keep continuing the case. No one ever expected his agrument to go anywhere, but it was really stressful.<br><br>
All in all, we were ten months from placement to finalization<br><br>
For me, the wrost part is the services, or lack there of. A million people have come in and out of our home and almost none of them have helped. We have an appointment coming up that we had to line up ourselves and the sw was really excited that we found a Dr. that specializes in attachment. How sad <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,489 Posts
I debated for a bit on whether I was going to share or not....my story is rough and I dont want to destroy any hope you have this time around!<br><br>
We found out about dd in Jan 05, we had to jump through hoop after hoop and homestudy for Legal Risk foster placement all while trying to move into a brand new home that was taking longer to build than expected and then the title company messed up the paper works, etc.<br>
Finally we got our child from DFPS. We brought her home. Then immediatly the father signed rights. Then the mother followed near after when CPS told her they were going to take rights anyway, so she would help her daughter more by doing it the easy way.<br>
Then we jumped through more hoops and more hoops and that was over 2 years ago! We STILL are not final!!!!<br>
Its been a miscomunication chaos. The county that we are adopting from and the county that we live in have had peeing contests with each other trying to fight over the case (someone just take it already!!!) and because of their pettyness we are still in limbo. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel! We finally are supposed to be moving into adoptive placement in May! WOOT! Lets hope its for real this time!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,568 Posts
Wow 3babies...that's a terrible story. It's one thing if it takes a while because the parents are working towards reunification and all that but both parents voluntarily signed off and it's still taken two years. That's crazy <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I'm glad you shared because it's important for people to understand how often things don't go smoothly.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,110 Posts
Then the mother followed near after when CPS told her they were going to take rights anyway, so she would help her daughter more by doing it the easy way.<br><br><br>
Can you tell me more about this.... via pm?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,568 Posts
Emilie, granted I don't know the details of this case but chances are they told the mother that if she didn't sign off and they got TPR, any subsequent children would be taken immediatly due to her history of having one child TPR'd. Of course, so early in the case my guess is it really didn't take much to convince the mother. In my years working in the field, I can't recall a time a mother signed off so early in the process. Usually, they do that at the TPR hearing (after going through the reunification hoops). If a mother isn't going to try, they usually just fade away...don't sign off at the get go.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,568 Posts
TPR = termination of parental rights<br><br>
This is what happens that makes a child legally free for adoption. I believe all states are bound to federal mandates which require they petition the courts for a TPR when the child has been in state custody for 15 of the past 22 months- unless the parent is making enough progress that it is probable the child will be reunified in the very near future. This short time frame came about after having children live in foster care for years and years and years with no permenancy. Too many children were in care forever and had no where to call home. They could get the boot from their foster home at the drop of a hat.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,200 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sesa70</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7959645"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Our adoption plans are just not working out, and I am feeling demoralized. We adopted our dd through foster care, but it was an almost too perfect situation. I want to know the realities of other foster care experiences, and what we might expect if we should choose to pursue this route again.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I'm sort of in the same situation, in that i've been waiting over nine months for a placement through adoption (waiting child, 0-7 yrs old), and just recently my worker told me her agency probably wouldnt be able to place a child w/ me, as they are all over ten (it wouldve been nice if she wouldve mentioned that before approving me for a younger age group dontcha think??)...so yesterday i went to a different agency's orientation, for foster care. I asked point blank if i could foster younger kids (like 0-3....we homeschool so i dont want to do school age kids, adopting i would be able to HS from the beginning, but not fostering)....the woman was very encouraging and said they are getting more and more babies in, and with summer coming they are getting pretty desperate to line up more homes.<br><br>
Thats very encouraging for me (obviously, its sad that more kids need services)....so i think i am going to switch to fostering and see what happens. I'm fully prepared that i will likely get my heart broken at some point, but hopefully one child will get to stay. The idea of having a baby in our home, even for just a little while, is so exciting. The agency said that i could be all trained and licensed by mid summer at the latest, probably earlier. I've already been approved to adopt (through the other agency)so i am not at all worried about getting approved.<br><br>
I think its just sad that i know there have got to be waiting children in my state whom i could be matched with, and my worker doesnt seem to be working very hard to do that. Oh well.<br><br>
I do have to say that i met a foster dad who had fostered for seven years (through the agency i will be with), and he and his wife had already adopted three kids, all placed as infants---now five, two, and two. Healthy caucasian kids. He said their first placement, a girl, went home after 16 months, and it was devastating. But in the end, they have the family they always dreamed of.<br><br><br>
Katherine
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,489 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Emilie</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7978941"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Then the mother followed near after when CPS told her they were going to take rights anyway, so she would help her daughter more by doing it the easy way.<br><br><br>
Can you tell me more about this.... via pm?</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Okay!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>alicia622</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7979265"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Emilie, granted I don't know the details of this case but chances are they told the mother that if she didn't sign off and they got TPR, any subsequent children would be taken immediatly due to her history of having one child TPR'd. Of course, so early in the case my guess is it really didn't take much to convince the mother. In my years working in the field, I can't recall a time a mother signed off so early in the process. Usually, they do that at the TPR hearing (after going through the reunification hoops). If a mother isn't going to try, they usually just fade away...don't sign off at the get go.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Well, my dd was taken into CPS custody on Dec 23rd 2004. She was brought into custody after her mother had lived in Georgia and had CPS called because she was NOT feeding her 4mth old and then before they had a chance to investigate completely she moved and then CPS was called on her again where she moved to and so they went in. They found she was feeding her now 6mth old nothing but watered down apple juice even though she was on WIC and Food Stamps.<br>
They also found that the home was completely unsafe and unhealthy living environment and gave her a time frame to get it cleaned up. Then, apparently dd's father found out about CPS being there and they argued and she threw something at him which almost hit the baby so he slapped her. She called the police, and since there was now domestic violence in the home, they decided to remove DD.<br>
They gave them a total of 5 months to work towards the goal of reunification. They hooked mom up with services and housed her in a shelter and insisted on parenting classes etc. The mother never completed any of the things required of her and never appeared to TRY to get those things done (according to CPS) finally she stopped coming to her visitations to see dd. CPS finally made a decision that since she was doing NOTHING to get her daughter back and since she completely stopped visiting etc. That they told her that they were willing and ready to take her to court to terminate rights, but that it would be easier on her daughter if she spared all the legal stuff and just signed them. So she finally signed them. Turns out she signed them AFTER she found out she was pregnant again.......<br>
So thats the story!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,200 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Emilie</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7985235"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">how did you meet this man btw? how did he and his wife adopt 3 cc kids when many can not find one cc child to adopt?</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I was at an indoor playland type place with my son. He had his three boys, a five yr old (i think), and two two yr olds. He was telling me that they were both two yrs old, but not twins, they were adopted. Since i was waiting to adopt, of course i was interested in finding out more about his experience, and he was happy to share. We talked about the waiting child situation in MI, and he talked about his experience with fostering.<br><br>
You asked how he could adopt 3 cc, when many can't adopt one...that is my point, he fostered first. LOTS of people adopt the mythical "healthy white infant", for free, through the foster system. It happens. The OP didnt mention that was the type of child she was hoping to be placed with, and it certainly isnt the only type of child i would accept either. I don't even know that the man and his wife *wouldnt* accept children of other races, i didnt ask. I only know that he was white, and he had three white kids. And they were foster children whom he adopted. Newborns are *never* listed on our local photolisting. Rarely are kids as young as five or six listed. My agency has told me they can't place a child younger than ten. Certainly younger kids are coming into care...so where are they? They either get sent home, sent to relatives, or adopted by their foster parents. After my experience for the past nine months, i would absolutely recommend to someone in my state, who wants to adopt a younger child, to foster first (with the acknowledgment that some of those children will ultimately be returned to their parents. )<br><br><br>
Katherine
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,149 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Emilie</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7985636"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think it is so important to talk about this- even if you have a white child- and you are white.<br>
My mom expected me to be like them- in more ways that just looks and I am not really that much like them- and it is very hard for her and my whole family.....<br>
So- looks are not gonig to be the only factor in your child.... and if looks and race are that important-w hat else is going to be?<br>
Am I making sense here?<br><br>
Em</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<br>
I totally get what your saying. I dont expect my children, bio or adopted, to 'fit in' or be like me at all! I am totally open to whomever they decide to be. I dont have a mold I expect them to fit in. The race issue is seperate to me, just because of the environment the child will be in. My extended family will make rude comments, jokes, etc. It has always bothered me, even as a little girl, but I cannot change them. It just fuels their fire, so to speak. So I choose not to parent an aa child because I would NEVER want them to hear some of the stupid @ss things that people who are supposed to love them would say. Does this make more sense?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,200 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>alicia622</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7985816"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I just lost my long response<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: Anyway, I want to know where the 3% reunification statistic came from. Not accurate at all.<br><br><a href="http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/foster.cfm" target="_blank">http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/foster.cfm</a></div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I recently spoke with someone at my state photolisting,and she said that my state has a very high rate of TPR. Most kids don't go home. I think she said something like 90 percent, although after i hung up i thought "No, no that can't possibly be right, i must have misheard her." But seeing that 3 percent figure, maybe i did hear her correctly. Whats interesting is that my own agency told me i shouldnt foster because "99 percent of the kids we get have reunification as the goal"....well, yeah, as the goal. But that doesnt mean they go home.<br><br><br>
Katherine
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,568 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>pumpkingirl71</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7985428"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Of course it is about parenting. I think foster parents have the absolute right to be insulted that anyone would imply we are selfish people putting our own needs first.<br><br>
Also, please consider you have to reach a very high standard of abuse or neglect to have children removed. We know what our foster children have been through. Intellectually, we might thing reunification is the right thing, but we worry that the birth family will fall back into unhealth patterns and the child will be once again at risk.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Yes...<br>
Dh and I had a really hard time when G was about to be returned home because we were so positive they wouldn't be able to keep him safe. Thankfully we didn't have to find out for sure.<br><br>
BTW, G is a healthy white boy. When you foster or foster to adopt you have to be specific about what traits you will and won't accept. Not just race and medical issues, but also things like 'firestarter', mental health diagnoses, if the child has been sexually abuse, if the child is from an incestuous relationship. We had to go over probably 100 possibiliies. The point is to try and match homes with the child so it's a good fit. No one <i>wants</i> to have to make a child move again. So, I can't recall exactly what we said we'd accept. But I do know I said no to non-white children. Perhaps some may view me as a racist but just as many people would find fault if I did adopt out of my race. It's really the decision of the people adopting and it doesn't need to be justified.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,149 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>queenjane</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7985853"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Whats interesting is that my own agency told me i shouldnt foster because "99 percent of the kids we get have reunification as the goal"....well, yeah, as the goal. But that doesnt mean they go home.<br><br><br>
Katherine</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
This is exactly why we are technically foster parents though we want to adopt. My dd, who came to us at birth as a pre adoptive placement, had a return home goal until she was 8 months old... even though birth parents were unknown and never identified! How in the world would she return home if she never had a home to begin with, let alone bio parents that were identified. So yes, even if a child is known to not be able to return home, they always start with that goal.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,568 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>queenjane</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7985853"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I recently spoke with someone at my state photolisting,and she said that my state has a very high rate of TPR. Most kids don't go home. I think she said something like 90 percent, although after i hung up i thought "No, no that can't possibly be right, i must have misheard her." But seeing that 3 percent figure, maybe i did hear her correctly. Whats interesting is that my own agency told me i shouldnt foster because "99 percent of the kids we get have reunification as the goal"....well, yeah, as the goal. But that doesnt mean they go home.<br><br><br>
Katherine</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<br>
It's higher in my state or maybe it's just the aency I work for does a better job at reunification effiorts. and the link I posted talks about an almost 50% reunification goal for foster care cases and a 55% rate of reunification.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,200 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sesa70</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7985885"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">This is exactly why we are technically foster parents though we want to adopt. My dd, who came to us at birth as a pre adoptive placement, had a return home goal until she was 8 months old... even though birth parents were unknown and never identified! How in the world would she return home if she never had a home to begin with, let alone bio parents! LOL! So yes, even if a child is known to not be able to return home, they always start with that goal.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
In my state you don't have to be foster parents to adopt. Even though "technically" the child is a foster child for the pre-finalization period, the parent isnt a foster parent. I know each state is different.<br><br>
Another problem with statistics, is that they never tell the whole story. If a child comes into care for a few weeks, and then goes home, is that considered "reunified"....seems like a much different situation then if the child is in care for two years while the parent tries to work on the plan, and then goes home. And then comes back into care six months later. And then goes home. These things are rarely clear cut. I know i was told that more often than not, children go to a relative instead of going home.<br><br>
When i start fostering, if a get a child who's parents work out their problems, and the child gets to go home, i'll be sad, but i'll be happy too....kids usually want to be with their parents. What i think will really break my heart though, is if the parents havent really gotten better, and no one thinks its safe for the children to be returned, and then the judge orders it anyway. I know someone going through that situation now, very sad.<br><br>
Katherine
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,295 Posts
I agree, while a majority of cases are true neglect, abuse and mistreatment sometimes abandonment, there are the small percentage of children who are taken off familys for no real reasons. And I would be highly pissed if it happened to me, and my child ended up in someones care, whos only goal was to adopt a foster child, not work for a parent to get them back.
 
1 - 20 of 29 Posts
Top