[myniyer]

My dd shares everything well, except food. I am trying to encourage her, but I feel sharing has to come from the heart and can't be forced. My strategy has been that she doesn't have to share, but that choice has natural consequences (upset friends, an early end to a playdate, etc.). I also try to bring a food item specifically to share whenever we go out, and she helps in preparing/selecting it. She is usually ok with sharing this but not anything else we happen to have along. And if I forget the "snack to be shared" I am screwed. So it doesn't feel like it's working. I know she is too young developmentally to understand sharing, but what do we do in the meantime?

For instance, today, we went to a friend's house and I forgot to bring a snack to share. DD got hungry and all I had was a small container of trail mix in the bottom of my diaper bag, our "emergency rations." DD of course refused to share it. Her friend was so upset, made worse because she had snacks she was willing to share with DD. I reminded DD that it is rude to bring food to someone's house and then refuse to share. I asked her again to share and she refused. I asked her to share with me and she said I could have one piece. I accepted it, then gave it to her friend. DD glared at me for being sneaky. Friend asked for more, DD refused. I then gave DD the choice of share or put it away. DD chose to put it away. Friend was upset, so I gave DD the choice of share or leave. She chose to leave. Nobody was more surprised than me. But we left.

On the way out I apologized profusely to the little girl's mom, a woman I consider a friend. But I know the apology isn't cutting it. I am sure that she would have required her child to share and that she wishes I would have done the same. She feels that sharing is like saying please or thank you; you do it whether you want to or not. And I do come from a family in which, even if all you have is one cheerio, you snap the cheerio in half and give half to your friend. I am extremely embarrassed by my child's behavior and want to change it. But forcing sharing just doesn't feel right to me.

Any thoughts?

 

[Pookietooth]

Just listening here. And relating. Only in my case, I was never taught to share, and it's made me a lonelier person, since I'm not any good at it still.

 

[LovemyBoo]

I don't force my kids to share what is *theirs*. Toys, for example. We put away special toys before playdates and agree that what is out will be shared.

I consider food to be family property. It's mine as much as theirs. So in your case I would consider bringing your dd's snack, and *your* snack (likely the same thing just packaged separately). You share your snack while not forcing your dd to share hers. Maybe if she sees you sharing she'll start to come around.

I think you handled what happened at your friend's house well. You gave your dd choices and followed up on the ones she made.

I would just separate the food into yours and your dd's next time. That way there's food to share but your dd is not forced to share what she considers "hers". Even if you get caught unprepared like you did on this playdate, just firmly tell dd that half the snack is yours and you will share your half. Food belongs to your whole family.

 

[USAmma]

You have my sympathies. This is not an easy age at all.

I can see the conflict between you wanting her to develop her own sense of fairness and not be forced to do something she doesn't want to do. On the other hand, there are certain manners that should (IMHO) be taught as being polite and part of living harmoniously in society and getting along with each other. At her age she probably won't understand why she should share, or why she should say please, thank you, and sorry when she doesn't feel like it. I know this goes against your parenting philosophy of action without explanation or meaning.

I guess in my own family I try to find a compromise. It's not about manners as much as it is about taking care the feelings of others. We try (and I emphasize try-- we are not even close to perfect) to teach ahimsa, not harming. If someone is harmed, if their feelings are hurt, then it's wrong. If her friend's feelings were hurt by her refusal to offer the snack, that becomes more important then the lesson of proper manners in that situation. Maybe that would go along better with teaching her the meaning behind the action. That we want to avoid making people sad, and in order to do that we must offer to share our food, or say sorry or please or thank you. With my kids, I try to emphasize that if we hurt people then maybe we should go home, because hurting people is wrong. It's more wrong than not having good manners.

Of course you don't want her to be a doormat, either. There are times when she should assert her own rights, but this is not one of them.

Another thing that strikes me about this situation is that she saw the bag of snacks as hers. Maybe there should be a way to have it be seen as yours, or as everyone's snack. If she does not have ownership of it, she will not be so possessive of it. Maybe take "your" snack and pour it into a bowl, and each child can take a turn picking a piece out. Or she gets 5, and the friend gets 5.

Good luck! parenting is sooo hard!