[Calidris]

DD is 2.5, which I know is too early to expect proper sharing from, but she seems so VERY unable/unwilling to share that I am beginning to wonder how she will ever manage in social groups.
She is generally a very empathetic child and caring, and we have talked often about sharing, and she is quite willing in theory, but when the situation arises, she just can't, she will run from one toy to the next, and anything the other child picks up she screams, no! me! me! and takes away. She doesn't often meet with other children, which is part of the problem of course. If we talk about it she will sometimes allow the other child one toy, but then she expects the chlid to play ony with that. I wouldn't bother too much about it and would leave it til she got older, but she is now at an age where she loves company and adores the little girl who comes over, but she just won't "share". Even the Megabloks are fought over. It helps that the other little girl is a year older, so she can be more understanding, but at the same time it is very unfair to expect her to always be understanding.

As usual I am rambling, but I need ideas about how to start getting DD to understand the basic concept at least.
What do you do? Does it just happen?

 

[captain crunchy]

I do believe sharing just happens when a child is raised in an attached, respectful environment, especially if mutual respect is modeled on a regular basis.

I am not big on sharing personally at this age. Of couse I would like it if my daughter was respectful of others and I know that will come (I already see it)... but toys are very personal things to a child. Imagine if a friend of yours who you hung out with occasionally came over and asked to take your car for a spin and expected you to hand over your keys happily without you really knowing if they would bring your car back, what they were going to do with your car, who was going to ride in it. That is how I believe children view their toys. I don't think it is that they don't want to share what they have, as I believe children are intrinsically altruistic and want to do things which envoke a positive feeling and/or response in themselves and others around them.

I think toys are very important to children in so many ways, beyond just stuff they like to play with. For many children, toys are the only things that are truly *theirs* in this world.

I wouldn't worry about it at this point. I would just try to be understanding of your daughter and of the other girls' feelings --- maybe you could create situations where your daughter doesn't have to share specific things... like homemade playdough for instance, you could make enough red for the both of them so they both have red... or coloring, you could buy 2 cheap packs of the same crayons and mix them together so there will be 2 blues or whatever so no one can fight over them...

I trust she will feel safe enough to share once she develops more of an understanding of her little world.

Good luck

 

[beckington]

So far sharing hasn't been a huge issue for us (so far, touch wood - and we've lots of other issues to keep us busy!) but what I've seen other parents do with kids that are having trouble sharing is talk about it in terms of 'taking turns' instead. I've also done this with ds from time to time. I've never made a big deal of sharing - I know some mums that were telling their 1yo's that they have to share! We don't force it at all. If ds doesn't want to 'share' his toy (really let a child take a turn with it) then that's fine - I tell the other child that ds is playing with that now and let's play with something else in the meantime. Same if ds wants to play with a toy another child is playing with. But usually if I ask ds if child can play with it for a bit he says yes - though I do have to make it clear to ds that he will get his toy back! He told me once when he didn't want to give a little girl the chance to play with his most favourite stuffed animal in the world that he was scared that he wouldn't get to play with it again.

I felt so bad for the little guy! I assured him that he would and that the little girl would just play with it for a bit and then give it back and he decided that was OK. Though the whole time she was playing with it he kept his eye on her! It's totally something I wouldn't have pressed, especially since it was such a favourite toy, but I'm glad it happened because it reminded me that he needs that reassurance that taking turns/sharing doesn't mean he is losing his toy.

Whoops, started rambling! I hope something in there is a bit helpful and that other mamas come along with better advice!

 

[slightly crunchy]

For my 4 yo it did happen and I never forced sharing.

But, I do think that if you are going to have scheduled playdates, the other child as the "guest" needs to be taken into consideration. I would not expect him to hand over something that he was playing with, but I wouldn't let him continually grab things away from other children, either.

What we have done with playdates, is to decide with ds beforehand, what are the things that he would not want to share, and then put those things in the closet for when the other children are there. That takes the stress off of him from another child using what are his most prized possessions. The things that are left out, are expected/encouraged to be shared...but at age 2, of course this didn't always happen. Moving things outside with more active play, balls, sidewalk chalk, helps, too.

 

[Luvmyboyz]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Calidris I wouldn't bother too much about it and would leave it til she got older, but she is now at an age where she loves company and adores the little girl who comes over, but she just won't "share".

Is she only haivng friends in her own house? It may be easier for her to share at someone else's house since they aren't her own toys. Also, you can try talking to her before a friend comes over and decide which toys are super special that she doesn't wish to share. She can put those toys away. Then ask her which toys she would like to share and then role play sharing situations with those toys.

 

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I think sharing isn't something I would expect from my child, for the reasons pp's have mentioned, but I would not want her to pull a toy from another child's hand in a rude manner. I would focus on teaching her to ask the child for the toy, and try to get her to identify her feelings while doing so. "I feel angry because that toy is important to me. Could I have it back?"

I think she is old enough to begin to problem-solve, with help, on how to resolve things that are upsetting her. It might be a good idea to ask any visitors to bring a bag of toys of theirs when they come over. Your DD will probably want to play with those toys because they are new and interesting to her. Then both children could work on borrowing each other's toys for a while, trading this for that in a way that both children feel respected and satisfied.

 

[Calidris]

Thanks for all the advice and suggestions.
I guess a lot of my concern stems from the fact that she does not often get to interact with other children, so I am worried about how this will develop.
The specifics of this situation are that my neighbour (a close family friend) is baby-sitting a 3.75 year old for a week while her parents are away, and DD is totally crazy over her and always want to play with her, the little girl likes to come over here too since she doesn't have any toys at my neighbour's and she also rather likes my DD (though she gets totally exasperated with her non sharing at times). So she can't bring her own toys, and the only other children DD occasionally interacts with are a boy a few months older than herself who visits maybe twice a year from another island and can't bring many toys with him, and another boy 6 months older who's house we occasionally go to (and even there, she can be "difficult").
We try to keep them playing with sharable resources, but even that doesn't always work.
Slightly Crunchy, I am hoping that she will eventually get it, what you say at least gives me some hope

The role-playing thing sounds like a good idea, she likes to pretend.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe she does "need" the socialisation of pre-school after all (no not really, but I wonder...)

 

[Viola]

My first DD at that age had a hard time sharing and several times when we had playgroup at my house, she'd run from toy to toy trying to claim it before finally realizing the futility of keeping all the kids from touching her toys. And then she'd have no choice but to tearfully nurse through the playgroup.

She's 7 now and pretty good about sharing, but she and my 2.5 year old still get into some hellacious fights, and dd2 is strong and gives dd1 a run for her money. In general she is better about sharing, but there is usually an initial period where she has to willingly give it up. It's a different situation for her because she is in a house with an older child all the time. But when we go to her gym class, sometimes she sees people coming up to her and tries to get them to go away and loudly proclaims the equipment to be hers, and it gets really frustrating after awhile.

So no advice, but I think it is something that will change as she gets older.

 

[Calidris]

Wow, Viola, that is so like my DD....

 

[Tanibani]

I don't have time to write now... but maybe this will help.

I wrote a very long-winded book review of I CAN SHARE (I'm Tanya Fox).

http://tinyurl.com/o7ytx

1 - not wanting to share is normal.
2 - kids need to OWN before they can freely share
3 - you can acknowledge feelings "you really love this toy (nod) you want to play with it a long time (nod) that's fine. Can you give her a turn when you are done with it? (long wait... eventual nod).

If the friend is playing with something, tell your daughter, "she's having a turn now, when she's done it will be your turn."