[littleteapot]

My 3 y/o DD Tempest has always been VERY outgoing, independant, totally fearless. Before she turned two she would scale jungle gyms. Three days after she learned to walk I took her to a soccer field and she just RAN and never even looked back to see if I was following (I wasn't). She went around in circles in that huge field for probably an hour and a half, only 10 months old!

Anyway... the first "incident" was at an LLL meeting that I found very uncomfortable. Without going into politics, let's just say I didn't feel they fit very well with LLL despite being leaders (I am an applicant, for the record).
All the chairs were in a circle and the little girls were in the center of the room playing quietly, and all the boys were running around the outside rough and tumble, playing tag, making noise. DD at that time was very young... probably only 1.5 years old. She got terribly bored by the girls and went around playing with the boys. She wrestled and chased and was pushed around just like they were and totally loved it. Later on when the group had broken up a little more she had a toddler fight over a plastic phone toy with a girl a little older than her and when she managed to grab it and the girl tried to take it away she bonked her with it. The girl cried. I got a complaint made against me that DD was "too aggressive", which I later found was aimed less at the phone bonk and more at the fact that she was playing with all the boys. She didn't act enough like a girl, I guess.

:

DD is now 3 and NEVER plays with kids her own age. At a playground she goes straight for the 5+ year old boys. Girls bore her, three year olds bore her and although she does play pretend by herself a lot, she's much more into being physical (running, jumping, sliding, climbing, wrestling and tickling with us). I regularly receive comments that she "acts like a boy" or "plays like a boy", sometimes these are positive or just casual, but often they are negative as though it is a very bad thing that my 3 y/o redhead likes to do things that are normally attributed to the other gender.

So, now we're in a new town, a new LLL meet... and there's a little girl that often comes (a little older than my DD) who is VERY delicate. Terribly shy, very sick, cries a lot, spends almost 100% of the time by her mom's knees (disclaimer: there's NOTHING wrong with that - I was very much this type of kid because I was also INCREDIBLY sick. I think it comes with the territory).
She's often the only kid over 6 months at the meeting, so DD always wants to play with her. She doesn't understand that this girl is very shy, and tries to make her play by removing her from her mom by pulling or trying to push (not shove , like to the floor, but like 'urging' her over to another part of the house) her away. DD only JUST turned three, and I think she believes that if she removed the girl from her mom, she'd play just like her. I try to explain to her over and over that this girl doesn't want to play and have even gone as far as to say, "Don't play with her at all" but DD is really determined. The girl screams and has twice now tripped and fallen when my DD was pulling her hand and her mom filed a complaint against me.

I'm incredibly, incredibly pregnant right now and it takes me a lot longer to get up and run after DD (who never sits still for ANY reason).
I've just decided to stop bringing her to LLL and I spent that whole night crying. Where we've lived the last 2.5 years was awful, we had pretty much no friends, DD had no social contact and is so desperate to play with other kids. Other than these two times, she plays fine, but VASTLY prefers older kids, especially boys. Kids her own age are intimidated by her. She's NOT shy, in any sense of the word and just runs out and says, "Come play!" and they hide behind their moms and freak. She often gives a nice hug as a greeting to a new playmate and most kids her age just freak out at being touched or approached (older kids often hug her back). When we go to restaurants and stuff she just walks up to people and says hello and starts talking to them. When we go to events she'll actually go sit with other people like they're all her friends. Everywhere we go people say, "She's not shy!" or, "Wow she's fearless!" but it seems like this is a very bad thing.

 

[annekevdbroek]

Well, I have a 3 y/o son and he has had several playmates who were girls who were much like you describe your daughter. I sort of think of them as "firecrackers" rather than "not like girls." Anyhow, the only thing that comes to mind, which I am also working on with my son, is keeping his hands to himself in terms of meeting new people, making friends, etc. Touch is a very personal issue and many people, adults and children, do not welcome new people into their personal space right off the bat, KWIM? I think this may require very active envolvement on your part, particularly if other children are getting upset or physically hurt (falling down) even if unintentional on the part of your daughter. Other parents aren't likely to respond positively to having this child harrassed (which is how it might appear to them). Three year-olds aren't very good at taking other's perspectives and sometimes need clear guidelines and constant reminders (e.g. when we get there you can say Hi, but no touching unless someone asks you to touch them...etc.)

Otherwise your DS sounds like a "firecracker" and a lot of fun. I'm sorry it has been so tough to meet good playmates for her.

 

[littleteapot]

We often tell her not to touch or hug other kids, and when she approaches other kids I ALWAYS look to the parents for approval before she gives a hug and they always give it, and often say it's cute or sweet. I don't know how I'm supposed to tell her not to do something that literally every other kid that she's playing with on the playground does to her and others (grab their hands, run around with them) The only time it was a big issue was just last week with the delicate kid.

The incident with the falling down was just the one kid... parents on playgrounds have always said "that's so cute" or do the "she's so outgoing". It was the first complaint re: her not playing like the girls, really hurt my feelings.

 

[meemee]

babs your dd sounds v. much like mine. i am v. sorry you had such a bad experience esp. from a place like LLL. i know you are pregnant but dont let this one incident put you down so much. i can understand why the other mom would file a complaint against you - esp. after her dd fell down and she is sick. so i kinda get both points of view.

i went thru a phase when my dd didnt have many friends. and dont think just because some may have many friends that it is the best thing for your child. i have been part of mother's groups where my dd didnt even socialise with the children. it was more an adult outlet for me and she hung out with the moms. but then thru LLL i met another mom - and since our kids were 6 months old they have been great friends. we know quite a few families and get together once in a while BUT it is with that one boy that my dd really hangs out.

what i did when we didnt have friends and her friend couldnt hang out - is go to the park which have older kids and my dd would join them. most of the big kids were good kids and wouldnt mind including her in the games and watching over her. since she would run around a lot i made two rules. can go as far as you want but u have to be able to see me and i see you. AND i also tied a whistle round her waist which she was comfortable using in case she got lost.

during summer vacation we would go to the park where the games adn rec organizers would watch school age kids and when they were out in the park my dd would join them. since she was so social the 6 - 10 year olds would fawn over her and my dd would lap it up.

i get the same comments you get. tomboy, she is not like a girl, blah, blah, blah but i dont feel any of them have been negative.

if anything i get 'ball of energy too active for us' from her grandparents. she tires them out v. easily.

 

[callmeluci]

{{{hugs}}}, Momma. Your little girl sounds awesome! Although I was blessed with a son, he is just like your little girl & has been since around 6 months of age. I wish you were closer, we could have some great play dates! I was a very clingy, insecure child & I always had trouble making friends. I would have given anything to be like your dd & my ds. My ds is in First grade, but he has several good friends in grades up to 5th! I think that having kids like ours is such a blessing, even if other people don't think so!

 

[littleteapot]

callmeluci
Thank you SO much... I needed to hear that a lot right now.

 

[Jaydens_mom]

It is not a bad thing by any means that your daughter "plays like a boy (!?)"
Who ever said that girls are not supposed to run around and play roughly?! i know i was ALWAYS playing with the boys, building forts, and climbing trees!

However, the fact that she will walk up to ANYONE and start talking to them would concern me if i were you...

Im sure you keep a close eye on her, but there is a better chance she can be persuaded by strangers and sorry to say this "pedofiles" because of her lack of shyness..

It's great that she is outgoing, forward, and fearless.. women have been raised to be meek and held back for far too long... the world needs more fearless women...

but I would really start teaching her about strangers and etc... I'd hate for you to have to go through the pain of something bad happening because of her fearless-ness with people she doesn't know too well.

 

[chel]

My dd was just like that. I always felt she had more testosterone than most boys. In Kindermusik the instructor would send any child that wasn't sitting quietly on the parent's lap into the hall. It was an awful class, but the first "organized" activity I had done with dd and I didn't know better. It ended up being all the boys and my dd sent to the hallway. By the end of the class it went from 16 dc to 4, including my dd, a dc so shy she never left the mom's lap, and a dc that just had open heart surgery.
dd walked at 9m and never crawled after her first step.
dd is also very social.
I found her 2 bestfriends by looking for the "wildest boy"
dd has mellowed alot. No more hitting or pushing. Loves anything pink, playing dolls, etc. She is still very physical and plays easily with boy and girls.

 

[elanorh]

You're not alone .... Ina is a huge tomboy. She actually requests to "fight" with dh or myself (her version of wrestle/roughhouse). Jumps and climbs on anything, totally fearless in terms of physical dangers (

) -- her best "friends" are a 5 year old boy and a 6 year old boy. She loves to play with them. She also likes to play with her step-cousin who's a year older, but has knocked her down several times accidentally while running etc. (Her cousin is fine with this, thank goodness!).

I don't think any of this is bad. I think it's a good sign that hopefully we will have strong, confident, assertive daughters who don't make gender-based assumptions and instead are able to see beyond gender roles/restrictions.

There's a lot of pressure to have a Pretty Pink Princess -- but one of my fears when we were pregnant was that, if we had a girl, we'd end up with a Pretty Pink Princess. My older sister was a total tomboy, and her eldest was that way for a LONG time and it was difficult for my sister to relate to.

We are also dealing with the "Of course X likes me and I just need to convince X to come play with me!" syndrome .... with our dog.

Ina is just certain that he would like to chase her/be chased, etc. etc. and he is a pretty quiet, timid dog and really doesn't want to have any part of it. And of course, the harder she tries, the harder he tries to get away from her. I don't know what the solution is (we've done time outs and LOTS of talking about what he wants and what she wants etc.) ... I think it just takes a lot of work. And at 3, it's not like the "empathy" thing is necessarily all there. I think Ina still assumes that what doesn't bother her, doesn't bother anyone else (like being dirty

)....

If we lived near each other, our dd's would have a great time together I think.

Especially since we're due with our second in a little over a month, too.

I know what you mean about having a hard time keeping up at this point, with an active little kid!

I can also understand the other mom being concerned about the interactions - maybe LLL is not going to be a "kid" outlet for you 'til your dd is older and more able to recognize other peoples' body language and body space etc. But that doesn't mean that you can't find some fun friends for dd at the park or through a playgroup, meantime. And who knows - given a few years, your dd and the other little girl could end up being great friends. My sister's best friend from about 4/5 years old on was a very quiet, timid little "girly" girl and my sister was a TOTAL tomboy, but they were great friends (and still are nearly 25 years later!).

 

[Destinye]

Sounds like my DD too. I had to smile at the wonderful (and perfect) name you picked - how could she be anything less. Sounds like a dauntless little girl and you are a wonderful mother. I once had a horse called Spirit who lived up to his name too. I had a negative experience at a LLL toddler meeting too, as its hard to watch DD and socialize at the same time, and she ran into a swing as I was trying to stop her, and the lady whose child and swing hit her never even said sorry or asked how she was later. I have not been back since and she was a leader too.

 

[mummy marja]

My neice is a lot like your dd. She will play with my dd (1 year younger) very well but if there is a boy around, expecially one around 6 or 8, she is drawn like a magnet to him. That's just the way she is, and that's TOTALLY fine! I hate the sexist stereotypes.

My dd, on the other hand, is more like the little girl at LLL who would sit on her mother's lap the whole time. Dd is changing a lot now, but a year ago would have had a great deal of trouble dealing with a more exuberant child. There is one boy at playgroup who was just a little too high-energy and she is still a little afraid of him. I know it's hard for your dd, but if she continues to pull at the reserved little girl she will just terrify her and they may never make friends. As she gets older I'm sure she will learn to respect other kids personalities and things will be much easier.

 

[Peony]

My dd is reserved in social situations but is also very physically active. She sounds like your dd in that aspect. She climbs everything, and also prefers to play with older children who are usually right at her activity level. DD is a very thin child, she's 3.5 years and weighs 26 lbs, so she looks somewhat fragile, or at least that is what I get told. I get so many comments, usually things like "shouldn't you go help her, she's so small" and on and on.

:

 

[Dr.Worm]

Julia loves Barbies...in fact, this year she is really into them, she also loves disney princesses and jewelry but also she loves Sonic X and toy cars. She can sit quiet as a mouse and play with her little dollhouse or run around outside like a nut. I think she and your daughter are very cool. There are so many stereotypes of how little girls should be and not many celebrity role models for them...except Sandra Bullock...she is one of the few glamorous actresses who isn't afraid to be a bit wild.

I am sorry you are having such a rough time. Is there some toy or something you could bring to the LLL meeting that the kids could do together...like a puzzle or something?