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O.K. Help me. I am actually exhausted from this.

I have a daycare. This summer, I have all girls from age 2 yrs, to 8 yrs.

One child is VERY different. (she's three) The older she gets, the more obvious it gets. The less she fits in, and the more irritated the other kids get. Of course it doesn't help that THREE of the girls are queen bees, and she is very much a follower. The bigger girls try to help her. They try to include her. But, after a little while they just throw their hands up and walk off. She is starting to notice this, and It will begin to hurt her feelings soon.

I am on their case all the time about being kind and thoughtful, I don't let them be mean, but it is a constant battle with the other girls her age.

I know, something isn't quite right, but I can't put my finger on it.

She is neglected at home. (I have tried CPS, they wont or can't do anything) The parents don't believe in using doctors or spending money on their kids. The kids have never owned a toy, they only own a few very outgrown outfits. It's not that the parents don't have money, but they have different parenting ideas than I do.

SO, when I met the three year old, I thought, "It must be because they have never been socialized". But, now it is becoming apparent that this isn't really the case.

When she started with me at age two, she had NO language skills at all. She couldn't speak, or understand a single word. She has improved in the past year, and can talk. But, can't have a conversation. She can only repeat things. (never less than twice each)

Recenly, she started saying things on her own. But, they are not meaningful. "I go car-I go car?" "I eat-I eat?" "My Mommy not come me-My mommy not come me" Again, it is never less than twice each sentence. Usually she will say it over an over an over until the kids lose their temper. Hence, the "She is seriously weird" comment today. She still has no receptive language. She can't follow ANY directions. But, she wants to. She wants me to be happy, but she just can't do what the others can do. I send her to the bathroom, and she has a complete meltdown, because she doesn't understand why I am leading her there. (She's potty trained)

She still can't eat with spoon and fork.

She cannot play with toys. She runs, and laughs. SHe's happy, but she can't socialize and play with anything. Her laugh gets out of control. She can't stop herself.

If I give her duplos, she lines them up side by side, but will not/cannot connect them.

I am at a complete loss. Her parents will not even consider taking her for an evaluation.

I am leaning towards a high functioning autism. But, she doesn't seem to fit into that either.

Please help me with what could be going on.

 

[sbgrace]

I really don't think there is much you can do if the parents aren't in a place right now to look at things at all. Sounds spectrum to me (my autism spectrum kiddo is three) but again without parent involvement your hands are tied.

My spectrum son tries to interact but his interactions do seem weird to others. We've had several incidents but so far he lacks awareness to get his feelings hurt (had one in the library today

). My point is that even when you know--well, I wish I could protect my son from seeming weird or getting his feelings hurt. But there isn't anything I can do about that even though I have a dx. It is going to break my heart I know when he is aware as it already makes me sad. I'm babbling. I guess I'm saying you are obviously doing the best you can to protect her and that is all that you can do. Still, just reading about her makes me want to cry so I can't imagine how it feels to be in your place.

 

[3_opihi]

You may be able to call Early Intervention and have them provide her services with you, since you are her daycare provider...I have heard of people doing this. If she is over three, you may be able to call her local home school, saying that you are her child care provider and that you have concerns and see where it goes. I would at least call.

Just FYI, Early Intervention is there not only for special needs children, but also high risk families - that means children who are being neglected, family issues, teen moms, ect. So, please call. Especially if you feel she is being neglected. Children who are severely neglected can show "autistic like" symptoms and it does affect their permanent development. It's very sad, but there have been some extreme cases proving this.

It sounds like you are a very caring provider.

 

[HarperRose]

I agree w/ 3_opihi. Call EI and see what happens.

I cna't stand when ppl refuse to get their kid OBVIOUSLY NEEDED medical attention.

: I'm not tlkaing about vaccinating or anything like that (we're non-vaxers), but when you can SEE something needs to be done and they just refuse (not to be confused w/ "can't afford") to do it, oh, that chaps my hide.

 

[Jenlaana]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justthatgirl I agree w/ 3_opihi. Call EI and see what happens. I cna't stand when ppl refuse to get their kid OBVIOUSLY NEEDED medical attention. : I'm not tlkaing about vaccinating or anything like that (we're non-vaxers), but when you can SEE something needs to be done and they just refuse (not to be confused w/ "can't afford") to do it, oh, that chaps my hide.

I am that person. According to everyone I've ever known I "must get my son help" and in the end, it caused more harm than good. My son's school at one point refused to let him come unless he was on meds (which is illegal but I digress). These people were not there when my son's growth was severely stunted by the years of meds. They were not there when someone finally discussed the heart related risks of these medicines as related to my son's genetic probability of heart problems. They didnt see my son wasting away for years because the meds took his appetite away. (the only meal my son would eat with any real interest was breakfast, before his meds kicked in) I had to give up trying to get my son to eat what everyone else eats, because it was so critical just to get SOMETHING into his stomach. He drank pediasure garbage and yogurt smoothies like they were going out of style, even though they're full of sugar and garbage because it was the only way to "fatten him up" and it never did work. Even with all of that that we went through (including numerous psychiatrist and psychologists and counselors and testing) he was still kicked out of school on a weekly basis, and at one point after I followed ALL of the school's "orders" about his meds they didn't want to accept that they were wrong and that meds were not the cure all, and instead of telling me when he was pulled out of class for misbehavior, they just sat him in a room outside the principal's office with a coloring book and crayons for days at a time (this went on for months before I was aware of it).

OP, I understand that you are trying to help, but I don't know if you're saying the child is neglected because of the things you listed or there are other signs that you have not mentioned. That she doesnt have "normal toys" being a red flag suprises me. Many women on these boards believe that children should find joy in the things around them, instead of being given commercialized toys. I won't even go into my son's too small and torn up clothing collection (albeit he is older and has a say in this at the moment). I know that if I learned someone I paid to care for my child called CPS on me because they didnt agree with my parenting that I would not only feel very betrayed, but I would not trust them to take care of my child any longer.

I hate to be the negative one on this post, but calling CPS on parents really isnt the best way to get their cooperation. Perhaps you could try focusing on her positives and accentuating them, with parental help, instead of whats wrong.

 

[RedOakMomma]

As close to home as the OP's description of this child might fall, I think it's fair to trust her instincts. Afterall, she is the person who cares for this little girl during the day, and she has met and known her parents (none of us have done either).

I think, no matter how many similarities there might be on the surface of this little girl and some of our own children, it may be unlikely that the parents of this little girl are involved, caring parents who post on mothering and work to support their child's special needs. I think if that were the case, the OP would get some sense of that.

I've had many friends in the special ed. and EI community, and their radar for problems in a family is very accurate. I have no doubt that daycare providers, depending on their involvement with families, also see and hear some things that would turn our blood cold. Without being in the OP's shoes, and being able to see what she sees day in and day out, we need to trust HER mothering instincts.

 

[hippymomma69]

Well to answer your question - what is going on? - i would say it's not necessarily HFA - my Dd has many of the same traits and she has an auditory processing disorder and a sensory integration disorder - but she is clearly interested in others and WANTS to be social - she just doesn't have the language/social skills to do it.

She has made great strides this year with her SN preschool. What do the parents say when you suggest that she might benefit from additional services? Do they know that the services are FREE through the school district? That they might even PAY FOR her to go to a SN preschool (thereby saving them some $$)? If they are poor or don't like to spend money, maybe these are arguments that they will go for!

Failing that, maybe you can find out if there is some way that you can get advice from a SN preschool teacher on how to help this girl a little bit...?

I agree that calling EI behind the parents' backs might not be the best way to go just yet...I would exhaust all attempts to get the parents to do it themselves first - it will go much better if they have some buy in to the process!

good luck!
peace,
robyn

 

[Aeress]

There are services withing some communities where a 3rd party can come observe the child (not sure of the legalties, don't want to step on anyone's rights) and make a recommendatio to the childcare provider. The provider is then able to choose to approach the parents or not. It may be helpful to you if you would like a second opinion. It is not to start services or anything like that, but a support system for the provider.

Just letting you know this might be an option. I have used it once just because I wasn't sure...still it was another 6months before i felt I could approach the parents.

 

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The parents make good money. They pay me on time every week.

But, they told me at the interveiw that "We do not believe in spending money on children" I thought, "Um.. O.K" But, I didn't realize the seriousness of it until a few weeks later. There are LOTS of issues besides just this.

When I said the kids have "no toys" I meant absolutely no toys. No birthday gifts, no Christmas gifts, no gymboree classes, no playing at the park. Nothing.

Mom tells me that her own parents didn't spend money on her growing up, and she feels like children should not own possessions that are not absolutley necessary. BUT, instead of teaching her to appreciate the world around her, she cannot play. She just runs back and forth. (On her toes, laughing)

Her dad did come over recently and brought over treats for the kids, and asked me to celebrate her birthday the next day, but please not to tell mom that HE brought them. So she thinks I got them.

They don't bathe, the kids or brush their hair. The three year old wears 18 month old pants as capris. But, they don't snap or zip, because she is in a size 4 girls. There are other things that point to neglect. But, CPS says that as long as the kids are in no danger (they are not) that they call this "bad parenting" and don't have time to investigate. To which I agreed. It's not like they are running the streets.

My biggest concern now, is what do her behaviours sound like? What can I look into? I would like to help her. At least socially. But, I can't figure out what is going on with her.

Like I said, for some reason autism doesn't seem to fit her. I have had lots of autistic kids, and she is just not like that. I know every kid is different.

BTW, her one year old brother is perfectly normal, naughty, and charming. He understands better than her. He actually rolled his eyes at me a few weeks ago when I was asking the older one to "Put this on the table". Then he took it from me (with disgust) and put it on the table. I just know he wanted me to shut up already.

SO, two kids, one family??? Obviously it isn't JUST the lack of social interaction at home.

 

[Terabith]

Wow. That just breaks my heart. The poor little girl. Why do they have children then, if they don't want to play with them, spend any money on them, dress them appropriately? Could you go to Goodwill and get some clothes in her size for her? At least she might be more comfortable.

I would try the "special needs preschool is free" approach.

I feel so horrible for this little girl! And her brother. Wow, just wow.

 

[colobus237]

I've read your messages about this family in the past, and it is so heartbreaking.
I am so glad the kids have you meeting their needs and caring for them for at least most of their waking hours. Hope EI can help you...

 

[LynnS6]

Quote:

Originally Posted by nextcommercial BTW, her one year old brother is perfectly normal, naughty, and charming. He understands better than her. He actually rolled his eyes at me a few weeks ago when I was asking the older one to "Put this on the table". Then he took it from me (with disgust) and put it on the table. I just know he wanted me to shut up already. SO, two kids, one family??? Obviously it isn't JUST the lack of social interaction at home.

What kind social interaction did she have before she came to you? I hate to say it, but her little brother has had you for awhile, and the little girl may have missed that early crucial interaction. Or, she could be developmentally delayed. Without intervention, it's impossible to tell whether she's just a kid who needs more interaction to catch up or whether there's something seriously wrong.

What are the parents' plans for schooling when it gets to be that far? If they plan on public schools, then early intervention wants to know about this child so they have a chance to help her before she lands on their doorstep at age 5 1/2.

Are you sure there is no abuse going on in the house? Honestly, I'd worry as much about DAD as I would the kids. Sometimes abusive parents take it out on one child and not the other(s). If they are not bathed or clothed appropriately, I'm not sure why CPS wouldn't be involved? A child needs clothes that fit, for heaven's sake! From your other posts, I worry about the mother's mental health, something just seems off.

You can also call Early Intervention yourself and see if they will come out and observe the child. Or at least ask them what you can do, what resources are available to a child care provider of a child who is not developing typically.

These children are lucky to have you in their lives.

 

[RedOakMomma]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LynnS6 These children are lucky to have you in their lives.

Yup.

s, mama. It breaks my heart that these concerns aren't registering for her parents, but I'm so happy she has you as her little angel. I'm sure it's frustrating, but keep trying...someday this little girl is going to feel the warmth of people addressing her needs and helping her communicate, and I suspect it will mostly be due to you and your concern for her. Bless you.

 

[robinkate]

I am glad you are working with her, you sound very caring. It might help with the receptive language if you use pictures to communicate, show her a picture of the bathroom when it's time to go to the bathroom, a picture of food when it's time to eat, etc. Hope you can find something to help her!

 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by robinkate I am glad you are working with her, you sound very caring. It might help with the receptive language if you use pictures to communicate, show her a picture of the bathroom when it's time to go to the bathroom, a picture of food when it's time to eat, etc. Hope you can find something to help her!

Good idea! Maybe I can enlist the grade schoolers to help her with broadening her vocabulary. (not sure how yet)

To the PP who asked about her social life before coming to me. That is true, she was two before she came to my house, and her brother was six months old. So, he has basically always had a social life, where, until he was born, she didn't. She doesn't watch tv either, so I think she just had no other outlets. Her parents are not social either.

I hope this is all it is. Like I said, I think SOMETHING is wrong, but I don't think it is autism. It's just a feeling though. I have nothing to base that hunch on.

 

[lilyka]

I don't know if this is even a possiblity but could you get everyone in your daycare evaluatd by ealy intervention. that way anything that comes up on this girl will just be part of your daycares routien screening of all children (then it wouldn't be obviuos that you were singeling her out.) Our early intervention will evaluate anyone.

 

[3_opihi]

What Lilyka says may be an option. I know at the preschool my son goes to, every quater the teachers go through a developmental checklist for each child and meet with the parents. They use the Creative Curriculum, which is the same curric head start uses so the checklists are pretty thorough...it takes them a couple days of observation for each child. Perhaps you could do something like that? Maybe if they see it spelled out and written on paper it will change their minds? I dunno. You could probably call head start as well and see if they have any advice for you.