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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:<br><br>
My baby girl, Amy Dawn, would have been seven about now if she had been born alive. Her due date was May 30th.<br><br>
All this week I've been feeling like such a rotten mother and I couldn't figure out why. Oh yeah because my baby is dead! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:<br><br>
I feel so awful!!! I had so many dreams, so much love to give her and it's all over. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bawling.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bawl"><br><br>
As I've been healing more in the past few months I've been starting to see hope for us that perhaps we could have more kids, our relationship is getting stronger. I always had a dream of a large family, yet DH wants to have a vasectomy and I just can't let that happen. He thinks I can't handle having more kids but as I heal I think I could granted I had the right supports (and whether he agreed to pay for those supports or not).<br><br>
I know that if I'd had a doula after Hope was born things would have went so much smoother but he wouldn't pay for it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hopmad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hopping mad"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/Cuss.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="cuss"> I needed help but he wouldn't pay for it and then was angry because as he says 'I couldn't handle it'. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/banghead.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="banghead"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/FIREdevil.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="devil"><br><br>
The whole situation makes me so angry..... and depressed. Life would have been so different if Amy Dawn had lived! Yeah DH probably still would have been selfish and angry but I know I wouldn't have gone to the deep dark place I did if she had lived.....<br><br>
Right now life just seems so pointless anyways. I mean all my life I had so many dreams for my kids, they were all I ever wanted. I was going to give them EVERYTHING, homeschool, home birth, midwives, LOVE, FAMILY.... EVERYTHING. And when I look at my dream and remember the pain of losing Amy Dawn it makes me want to give up on more kids and yet I hate to lose another dream!<br><br>
Would I do better again time around if I had the correct supports in place? Like a doula after the birth, midwives, proper nutrition and supplements and more support. I think so. Then again another baby could die and I don't know if I could live with that.... and yet I'd have to be here for Hope.<br><br>
Sometimes life is so just painful I just want to stop the world and get off!
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I could have written much of your post. I am so sorry for all you've gone through and continue to go through. My thoughts are w/you during this time. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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(((((HUGS)))))))<br>
I can't even begin to tell you how sorry i am that you are feeling this way. Stick with mdc so supportive and i bet one of the mamma/doulas would be willing to do freebie for you if you ever have any more children.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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Hello! My youngest daughter, Hannah Grace, would also be 7 yrs old this year (Sept.1, 2000) she was born, we were blessed to have her for 15 months, then she became ill...missed diagnosed for 3 months. Monday Nov.26, 2001 the Lord took her home..ooooh, how I miss her! Sometimes my arms ache from not holding her! I miss her.<br><br>
I went through a terrible depression! Ugh, talk about "dark"<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">: ...<br>
I'm always reminded that the Lord, He loved her more than I could ever love her, and He knows what is best, her death was not a surprise to Him, after all, He chose her birth date, how long she would live, and what would take place here on earth that would ultimately take her from me.<br><br>
I can empathize with you.....oh, please know that I care about you,even though I've just met you. Healing does come, with time...you'll always remember, love, and miss your baby..but don't stop living, there is hope.. you can be sure that you will see her again.<br>
If you ever want to talk to me, please email me at <a href="mailto:mam[email protected]">[email protected]</a><br><br>
((((((HUGS)))))) Stephanie Fish
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thank you to everyone for your hugs and support.<br><br>
This is always a very hard time of year for me.<br><br>
Thank you for being here for me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
The past few days I've been feeling so numb and so depressed. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:<br><br>
I've planned outings with Hope (to the local science centre for example) and yet I just haven't got there.<br><br>
I feel so empty and alone.<br><br>
I wish I were preparing for Amy Dawn's 7th birthday party!<br><br>
I want to cry and yet I don't. I want to go to the park where her memorial is and yet I don't want to face the pain. This year I just can't seem to face the pain. *sigh*<br><br>
I feel so alone. I feel like my life is totally pointless without my baby girl. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Today was Amy Dawn's due date anniversary. It was a hard day.<br><br>
I wanted to cry, I wanted to yell, I wanted to sleep the day away.<br><br>
After having some Vitamin B12 and lunch I felt a bit better and Hope and I watched The Great Muppet Caper. It was nice to watch it with her.<br><br>
We got out too. Hope started soccer tonight.<br><br>
I held her extra close at bedtime and gave her lots of kisses.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
I know the pain you are feeling. I am so sorry you have to walk this path. There are too many who do. My thoughts and prayers are w/you. If you need to talk or anything..feel free to pm me. I am so sorry. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>cornflower_3</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8260651"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I'm with you mama. For some reason the week leading up to what should be a birthday party is sometimes harder than the actual birthday. All of the things I'm not doing are hard to face. And yeah, I've wanted to just stay in bed to. So, here's to both of us for getting up. Again. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> And just as a note, I have two "subsequent" children. You can never know if things will be different, but as Hope shows, sometimes you have the strength to try.</div>
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Thanks for your hug and support. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Sometimes getting up again is the hardest thing to do.<br><br>
How did you ever get through two subsequent pregnancies? You must have been absolutely terrified!
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Amy&4girls</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8260692"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
I know the pain you are feeling. I am so sorry you have to walk this path. There are too many who do. My thoughts and prayers are w/you. If you need to talk or anything..feel free to pm me. I am so sorry. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"></div>
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Thank you Amy for your support.<br><br>
It's good to know I can pm you if I need to. Thanks. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Keeping you in my heart. Take care, especially through these hard days.
 
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