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<p>This is so absurdly ridiculous — yet so typical of my mother. I'm thinking this probably isn't a hill to die on, but I'm curious what others think...</p>
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<p>My mom bought my daughter a pair of pink new balance sneakers a little while ago. For whatever reason, dd doesn't like to wear them. She is only 16 mo but already very particular about what she wears — she'll say "no" and pick out what she wants. We support this (as long as it's not inappropriate, ie. she has to wear a jacket outside). She has a little pair of checkered Vans which she loves. My mom hates these sneakers — they're not her asthetic, though she'll never say that outright. So everytime dd has them on (which is often b/c she loves them) my mom makes a big deal out of how they always fall off and she should have her pink shoes on... </p>
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<p>My mom watches dd for a couple hours several times a week, at times when my work schedule and dd's dad's class schedule overlap. Today when I went to pick up dd after work from my mom's I got an earful. My mom was upset. Really upset. Like on the verge of tears, storming about, upset. She tells me that when she picked up dd, she had her Vans on and her dad said "he likes to foster her independence or whatever" but then she went to the grocery store and dd lost a shoe and it was a total big deal (to my mom, not dd) and so we should just give my mom the pink shoes back so that she can put them on her when she has her b/c dd doesn't ever give her a problem about it and "we really shouldn't complicate things anymore than they have to be" and she doesn't mean to be critical but he was out of line. The whole rant was ridiculous — she is the one complicating things — and how is he out of line?! And it's all only because she doesn't <em>like</em> the Vans. She'll even change dd's clothes if she doesn't like what she comes over in. It's silly. I calmly explained to my mom (for the 16th time) that we, her parents, allow dd to pick out what shoes she'll wear if she seems to have a strong opinion about it, and that we want to encourage her to have an opinion and some control over those things, to which my mom just repeated that we should give her back the pink shoes because dd always puts them on for her. She likes to say things like that a lot — that if "I'd just let dd be" she wouldn't nurse so much, or if "I'd just let her" sleep in her own bed she'd sleep through the night. I find it annoying and disrespectful. </p>
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<p>I asked dd's dad about what happened, and he was shocked that she was so upset. He told me that he explained to my mom that he tried to put the pink shoes on dd but she pitched a fit and insisted on the Vans. My mom tried to tell him he should just insist she wear the pink shoes, and so he gently stated that <em>we</em> really like to support her independent opinions and he didn't want to make a big deal out of a pair of shoes. My mom said "Well your her father, that's your right" and left it at that. He even packed her slippers in the bag so that my mom could take the Vans off at her house. But, the whole interaction has apparently left my very sensitive mother feeling undermined. She doesn't like not getting her way. </p>
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<p>So part of me wants to tell my mom she can't have the pink shoes back, that she needs to just suck it up (it being the fact her granddaughter is wearing shoes she doesn't like). But this will cause drama... not that it should, but it will. She'll take it way more personally than she should. But if I just give her the shoes, it's saying it's ok for her undermine the independence we're trying to foster in dd. A large part of me feels like my mom just has absolutely no business making a big deal of this, and so she shouldn't be catered to. I feel like I need to make a statement: I am the mother, he is the father; she is the grandmother and not the boss of anyone.</p>
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<p>Thoughts? What would you do?</p>
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<p>My mom bought my daughter a pair of pink new balance sneakers a little while ago. For whatever reason, dd doesn't like to wear them. She is only 16 mo but already very particular about what she wears — she'll say "no" and pick out what she wants. We support this (as long as it's not inappropriate, ie. she has to wear a jacket outside). She has a little pair of checkered Vans which she loves. My mom hates these sneakers — they're not her asthetic, though she'll never say that outright. So everytime dd has them on (which is often b/c she loves them) my mom makes a big deal out of how they always fall off and she should have her pink shoes on... </p>
<p> </p>
<p>My mom watches dd for a couple hours several times a week, at times when my work schedule and dd's dad's class schedule overlap. Today when I went to pick up dd after work from my mom's I got an earful. My mom was upset. Really upset. Like on the verge of tears, storming about, upset. She tells me that when she picked up dd, she had her Vans on and her dad said "he likes to foster her independence or whatever" but then she went to the grocery store and dd lost a shoe and it was a total big deal (to my mom, not dd) and so we should just give my mom the pink shoes back so that she can put them on her when she has her b/c dd doesn't ever give her a problem about it and "we really shouldn't complicate things anymore than they have to be" and she doesn't mean to be critical but he was out of line. The whole rant was ridiculous — she is the one complicating things — and how is he out of line?! And it's all only because she doesn't <em>like</em> the Vans. She'll even change dd's clothes if she doesn't like what she comes over in. It's silly. I calmly explained to my mom (for the 16th time) that we, her parents, allow dd to pick out what shoes she'll wear if she seems to have a strong opinion about it, and that we want to encourage her to have an opinion and some control over those things, to which my mom just repeated that we should give her back the pink shoes because dd always puts them on for her. She likes to say things like that a lot — that if "I'd just let dd be" she wouldn't nurse so much, or if "I'd just let her" sleep in her own bed she'd sleep through the night. I find it annoying and disrespectful. </p>
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<p>I asked dd's dad about what happened, and he was shocked that she was so upset. He told me that he explained to my mom that he tried to put the pink shoes on dd but she pitched a fit and insisted on the Vans. My mom tried to tell him he should just insist she wear the pink shoes, and so he gently stated that <em>we</em> really like to support her independent opinions and he didn't want to make a big deal out of a pair of shoes. My mom said "Well your her father, that's your right" and left it at that. He even packed her slippers in the bag so that my mom could take the Vans off at her house. But, the whole interaction has apparently left my very sensitive mother feeling undermined. She doesn't like not getting her way. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>So part of me wants to tell my mom she can't have the pink shoes back, that she needs to just suck it up (it being the fact her granddaughter is wearing shoes she doesn't like). But this will cause drama... not that it should, but it will. She'll take it way more personally than she should. But if I just give her the shoes, it's saying it's ok for her undermine the independence we're trying to foster in dd. A large part of me feels like my mom just has absolutely no business making a big deal of this, and so she shouldn't be catered to. I feel like I need to make a statement: I am the mother, he is the father; she is the grandmother and not the boss of anyone.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Thoughts? What would you do?</p>