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· Registered
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi! I've been a single mom to my 2 year-old ds since the beginning of my pregnancy nearly 3 years ago. Even though ds' dad and I dated for 3 years before getting pregnant, he did not respond well to the news at all. He pressured me for the first 3 or 4 mos. to terminate and told me he prayed to God I would miscarry. I cut off all communication with him by the 8th month b/c everytime I would have any contact with him I would spend the rest of the evening crying. He was never physically abusive, but most certainly was verbally/emotionally abusive at times. He used to constantly threaten to take my baby away from me once he was born (yes, the same baby he wanted dead). He saw ds for the 1st mos. of his life and then we both agreed that he could leave us alone with no strings attached. His name was never put on the birth cert. and I gave ds my last name. I initiated this arrangement out of fear as well as out of a feeling that he didn't truly love our ds, he was just trying to be involved to "save face" with his friends and family.

I didn't hear from him until ds was 20 months old. He said he wanted to see ds, but then it took him a month to actually set a date. He came regularly once a week for about 2 mos. to see ds. I would sometimes have to call him b/c I didn't hear from him. I initiated the child support conversation a couple times, he blew up at first saying he wasn't going to pay for the kid until he started seeing him more, and then he said once he found a stable job he'd help out. I haven't heard from him in the past 3 weeks.

So, now I'm trying to figure out if I should take ds' dad to court for support, although my worst nightmare might come true in that he will probably then petition for custody/visitation just to spite me. Although, on the other hand, maybe it will force him to be more involved with ds. You see, I want ds have a relationship with his dad. Ds is just so much to handle and I'm so scared if he were in the wrong hands, how those hands might (mis)handle him. I also would feel more comfortable if ds were older and he could tell how his dad is treating him. And I think about the horror stories I hear about the court system and I just don't like the idea of not having control of who my son sees and when. His dad is a stranger to him. But then I think of how maybe any child has the right to have both parents established and listed on their birth cert.

Or, perhaps I should just leave it be ,not pursue him for child support, retain control, and let ds' dad come in and out of his life as he pleases. I mean, that's fine right now since ds doesn't even realize who he is and could care less, but the older he gets the more hurt he'd be I think. He needs stability and consistency. I know this is a lot to mull through, but what do you think? What would my ds want me to do?


· Premium Member
16,847 Posts
I've been in that same, well similar dilemna. DSs bio-dad was out of the pic ever since he learned I was pg. I met a great guy who I became great friends with, he saw me through the pregnancy and birth, I ended up marrying him (my now X dh) I know that is complicated, let me know if I did not make sense.

The reason I'm telling you this is that I decided to let bio-dad walk away, allowing karma to take care of things with him. DS was ALWAYS loved, he had me and my now X dh. DS was always provided for, and I didn't want bio-d to try and get custody just to spite me.

Where I wished I did it differently is here _----> not asking for cs when it is MORE that my DS could have provided for him. I let fear determine that for me. Now I am about to spend a day or two at social services and search him out to get the support DS DESERVES. I could kick myself for making the decisions I made, though I DID have a point. I just think that whatever you can get for your DS, go for it. I need to go back and get tough because of the choices I made. I probably won't find him as he's a traveling man, he follows the 'bitchin waves. Another point is that your DS has the right to get to know his father and there are some things you will have little to no control over, unfortunately.

If I were in your shoes, I would set the expectations now. The courts would side with you if it came to custody issues.

Good luck in your decision ((((hugs))))

· Registered
12,651 Posts
i think there is a number of issues involved here

1. how much do u trust the dad to be a good dad and really take care of your child. do u trust him absolutely or do u think he would flake on you. take ur son from you and dump him on someone else to watch him. would he take proper of him. is he dependable. is he ready to be a dad. no matter what - no matter how hard u try if he isnt ready to be a dad nothing can make him take his responsibilities seriously.

2. obviously you cant trust his words and depend on him. even if you get CS there is no guarantee that you would be getting it regularly. he is proving every step of the way how easily he changes his mind.

3. do what is best that suits your family. for me i did not persue the CS issue as it would open up a can of worms. my ex does take his dd regularly and gives her a good life which he wouldnt be able to do if he had to give me support. i trust him absolutely and i got what i really wanted - his time with my dd - so i wasnt so interested in CS. but it might be a different story for you.

i know its v. hard to let go of our dreams but what any child needs is loving nurturing adults which may not necessarily be a bio dad. yes every child needs their dad but not at the cost of their safety and emotional wellbeing. stability and consistency are not what your dp portrayed at all.

but for your sanity and peace of mind - please draw your boundaries. dont let him walk over you. stand up for what you think your rights are and what you and ur son deserve.

best of luck. these are indeed v. hard decisions. and v. emotional ones too.

hang in there. you will be able to pull yourself thru.
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