[EnviroBecca]

I'm getting into the third month of my first pregnancy, and I'm a Brownie troop leader. My co-leader and the other parents, most of whom have another child younger than their Brownie, are delighted about my pregnancy and have been showering me w/support, advice, and offers of free hand-me-down baby gear!

I'm mostly enjoying it, but I feel a little awkward responding to some of the more "mainstream" type comments.

What I've done so far is to soft-pedal my response in an effort to sound simultaneously interested in their opinions and optimistic about my own ideals. Example:
BROWNIE MOM: Get the epidural! Don't be a hero! If you try to tough it out, then it'll be too late to get it, and you'll be sorry!
ME: I hope to be able to do natural childbirth, but I am definitely studying all of the options.
What I really want to say is more like, "I'm determined to do everything I can to keep from getting a needle stuck into my spine and having my entire lower body go numb! This is my one chance to be this particular kind of hero, and I don't want to miss one bit of it unless I really, truly, absolutely can't cope!!" but I feel that, as a novice, I'm not "allowed" to voice my opinions so strongly. (Not to people who have no control over what I actually do, I mean.)

I'd appreciate some advice about the most diplomatic way to handle an upcoming situation: One family offered to give us as much as we want of their "basement full of baby stuff." Terrific--but the items they specifically mentioned are a crib and a highchair. We don't want either--don't think we'll need them and don't want them cluttering up the place in the meantime. At this early date, it isn't plausible to claim that we already have a crib and highchair, and I'm a terrible liar anyway. Should we explain that we plan to co-sleep and hold baby on our laps, risking a long debate in which the Experienced Parents try to convince us that we can't do those things? Is there some other way to get out of this while still checking out the rest of the stuff they have?

:

 

[sistermama]

I would want to check out what else they had to give away, too! If someone offered you something you didn't want, and you didn't want to start any debates, I would just say, "Oh, thanks, but my cousin, friend, sister, etc. is giving me hers." That way, you don't "offend" them for using the item in the first place, thereby, hopefully keeping the door open for them to offer you more stuff you do want!

 

[broodymama]

Hmmm, I'm not much help because I'm in the same situation you are. I managed to politely decline much of the stuff, but plenty of it is still coming in. The stuff that is coming in I'm accepting in the spirit it was offered, and figure they don't live close enough to me to see that it isn't used.

On the other hand, yesterday my dad asked if DH wanted in on the "family pool" about how long cloth diapering would last. Then he asked if it was OK if he bought me a closet full of huggies.

 

[butterflyma]

I have struggled to field advice that is not in harmony with my own parenting philosophy, as well. It's hard to be gracious sometimes- well at least for me it is

- when I feel like well-meaning people think that none of my beliefs will remain in-tact when I am "actually" a mom/am in labor/try to sleep with my bebe. So, I have pretty much decided just to say "Thank you" or otherwise affirm their advice/experience. I realize now that (for some people) my not wanting an epidural makes them feel like I am judging their choice.

But after I deliver and practice my mothering- watch out nay-sayers! I can't wait to have the opportunity to spread the word that it is possible to have a drug free birth and hold your baby/attend to his needs with out spoiling him, etc...!

BTW, Congratulations on your pregnancy!

 

[mamallama]

I think you're doing great with the unsolicited advice.

I think a lot of times when experienced moms bombard the new mom with advice and opinions, it's not about helping the new mom, it's all about the stories the experienced moms want to tell. It seems like our culture doesn't support women in processing their birth or early postpartum experiences, so a lot of times we are left with a burning need to sieze any opportunity to jump in and tell those stories.

My advice on unsolicited advice (you did ask!) is to draw out and listen to the story behind it. Validate how hard that situation was for that woman. Confirm that she made the best choices for herself and her family...and then let it roll right off you like water off a duck's back. It's really not about you or your choices.

I have found that once I listen to the story someone is trying to tell me, our differences seem a little less important.

 

[ReneeLynn]

Most of the comments I got were from my ILs. I decided to try to "educate" them. I'm pregnant again with my second. This time I will not waste my energy.

 

[Oregonicmama]

I say allow them to tell their stories too. Most of them are not trying to help you, and the stories probably will not help you, they are looking for a bond and some validation. Most people don't want to hear birth/ pregnancy/ parenting stories, so Moms like to tell them to other Moms.
As for the unsolicited advice I was always pretty blunt with people especially when it came to advice about painkillers/ epidurals. I hated this kind of advice, i felt like they were telling me to give up. So I would tell them about how when your body goes through the pain of labor a hormone (Mommy brain can't remember which one) is released that actually helps you bond with your baby and not experiencing this is essentially interfering with your ability to bond with your baby. The key is saying this in a factual, but not offensive way. As this is the key with saying anything that counters the advice you are being given (esp. when the advice is derived from the givers own experience). I have to say it worked well and discouraged any more unwanted advice. Now I'm pregnant with #2, and no one gives me any advice I don't ask for. I like it this way.
And the piles and piles of baby stuff. How much stupid stuff can they make for babies!?! I mean, they can't even walk or talk and some newborns have more stuff than their parents! The "someone already gave it to me" response works well. Some people just can't leave well enough alone though and you just have to be honest and say "I would never put my child in a baby swing/ crib/ whatever." I try to explain why so their not just looking at you going "but....but....but..."

Generally if you have an answer other than no thanks and a little explaination to go with it, thats good enough.

I will say that while you only need so much newborn size clothes, I was glad I had a ton of clothes in the other sizes. With your first just breastfeeding (nevermind everything else!) can make you so flustered, laundry is not even something you can begin to think about! And cloth diapers do leak...

 

[starrynight]

I dealt with similiar stuff during my first pregnancy. I worked with a lot of women, nearly all of them older mothers. I did wind up just being polite a lot. I figured I wasn't going to change their minds and they weren't going to change mine. I also tried to listen to their stories and learn anything from them if I could. I did wind up being pretty blunt about the fact that I didn't want any meds during labor. I always prefaced it by saying - it's just me, my instincts are that I would prefer to go natural. I did get a few, hmmm...I hope you know what you're doing type looks. One woman actually told me straight out she thought I was making a big mistake and that I didn't know what I was in for, that birth was too painful to handle without drugs. Gee, what a nice supportive thing to say....ahem! I wound up ignoring the bad and accepting the good. Overall, I found that people were just happy to welcome me to the "Mom's Club" and I think telling their stories and giving me advice seemed like part of the initiation or something. KWIM?

 

[dharmama]

Lots of good advice here. Just wanted to add that I also have experienced what you are going through.

I'm kind of picking my battles. If I'm not invested in a relationship (co-workers, some neighbors, friends of friends, random strangers in the grocery store etc.) I don't really waste my time trying to explain my point of view. I just smile and say thank you for their "advice."

If someone very close to me (friend or family member) was questioning/doubting my ability to have a drug-free birth, co-sleep, cloth diaper etc. I would DEFINITELY take the time to explain why it's really important to me that they are supportive of my intentions as I feel strongly about my beliefs. (Luckily this hasn't happened...my family has been amazingly supportive...I think they are all turning into cloth diaper addicts already. :LOL )

As for free stuff...one of my wise friends (a MDC mama too) says you never know what "stuff" your baby is going to dig. Some babies REALLY like swings or bouncy chairs...and when used in moderation, they can be excellent tools to help mamas get through the day. I have gratefully accepted most all of the free stuff I've been offered -- though I've declined some of the larger items...simply because my house is TOO SMALL and would feel really cluttered with some of the gear (play-yards, exer-saucers etc.) that's out there.

For the most part I try get the person to be very clear about why they are giving it to me (i.e. are they excited to see me use it and then want it back OR are they desperately trying to clear out their own space and couldn't care less if I ever used it). If it's the latter...I find it easier to just take it and then donate what I don't want/won't use.

Our baby is due any day now and we do not have a crib. This has puzzled many members of my family who just don't know that you can do it any other way than what they did. But no one has said anything "negative" really...they are just confused as to how this co-sleeping thing works.

We have two offers for free cribs if we decide that we need one...and should that be the case, I will be happy to accept the hand-me-down and not shell out a ridiculous amount of money for a new one!

Good luck!

~Erin

 

[KoalaMommy]

I had someone look at me in shock and horror when I told her I was going to try for natural childbirth, I believe her response was "oh my God, why on earth would you do that?" She also is a first time mamma, so you'd think she'd know better. I just shrugged it off and said that I was going to try it and see. I don't have to defend my position nor do I need to lecture her.

As for the other stuff that you don't want, you could just say that you don't need it, but thanks a bunch and that you'd love to look through and see if there's anything you do need. It's not impossible that you have a crib and highchair already. I had baby furniture about a year ago (I'm only 3 months pg now). Our cousins moved and dumped all their remaining baby gear on us, figuring we were next. I've actually found it very useful, with lots of young children in our family growing up in the mainstream, it's been helpful to have a crib and highchair. It's not my job to educate their parents and it makes it easier for them to visit us.

 

[Piglet68]

Well, first of all I had NO IDEA you were pregnant! I'm so excited for you!!!! Congratulations!!

Okay, I SO TOTALLY know what you mean. First time moms really have a hard time b/c everybody patronizes you and treats you like you know nothing and are delusional. I got lots of eyerolling and comments from people when I said we didn't need a crib (and by the way, the offer will probably still be there a few months after the birth, if you feel you need it, but no way was I going to add one more peice of clutter/furniture to my life unless absolutely necessary. Then it becomes YOUR trash to get rid of, and not theirs!).

There really isn't much you can do except what you are already doing. Be diplomatic, but stick to your guns. Don't try to argue b/c they will all give you that patronizing baloney about how "you'll soon learn it's okay to let them cry" blah blah blah.

That is actually one of the best parts about being PG the second (or more) time around: people can't feed you that crap anymore.

Hang in there, girl! You'll show them all and then they can eat their words.

 

[fourgrtkidos]

YOU MOST CERTAINLY DO HAVE A RIGHT TO VOICE YOUR OPINIONS AS A FIRST TIME MOM!!!!! You are obviously a knowledgeable and intuitive woman. Listen to yourself!!! Don't be swayed by others who don't hold the same beliefs and values as you! I am all for listening to all options and being open to learning, but do not second guess yourself and give in to advice you don't believe in!

Now, as an RN I have to say please don't get an epidural (unless you have to have say an emergency c-section - God forbid and you won't!) There is too much chance of aftereffects... it is your SPINE, KWIM? and there are effects on the baby. No matter what the doctor's say.

 

[wednesday]

I took every baby item that was offered to me and when my son was about 7 months old I had a yard sale and sold everything we didn't use. Just a thought...

 

[cottonwood]

Smile and say something neutral, like, "there are sure a lot of different ideas about birth out there!" If they press you to know what you are planning on doing, just be honest, and if they protest, just smile and shrug. The problem with shutting yourself down because you're supposedly not entitled to an opinion, is that in doing so you are tacitly agreeing with them that their experience holds for everyone. They know as well as you that many experienced women love natural birth. So the issue of experience vs. inexperience is really a false issue, a cover-up for what is really going on: they want you to agree with them so they can feel better about their choices. You are not responsible for doing this. So be true to yourself. They may roll their eyes or try to argue, but keep in mind that that is a defense mechanism. This is their way of maintaining the illusion that their way is the best way. Just smile sympathetically and say, "thanks for your concern, but really, you don't have to worry about me, I'll find my own way as we all do."

 

[Foobar]

I think you've gotten a lot of great advice here.

Just realize even mainstream mommas get this too. I've already been told how I should birth my child (I've done this once, thanks) and how I should set things up and get my Goo ready for the new baby (let her cry now, or she'll wake the baby later (yeah, so what?))

I agree that you should pick and chose who you want to tell why you are doing x,y,z and who you just want to smile and say "thanks" to....

 

[Caroline248]

Hmm...I would just say "thank you, I am not sure what we will need right now". People get that when you are pregnant, you are not always on top of things! You could also say you are waiting to see if you have a shower or something....

But, (some unsolicited advice) I would definatly consider getting a high chair down the road. They are a great place for a toddler to safely stay with you when you are cooking or doing something in the kitchen that could be a danger! And they LOVE getting dirty there...put some cookie cutters on they tray with dough while youa re baking, and you have a very happy "helper".....

Sorry to give you more advice...I know where you are coming from with the wanting to be a hands on parent, but sometimes a safe place is great!!

Caroline

 

[saintmom]

Hmmmmm.....You're doing well to be so diplomatic.I'm afraid I've always been aloud mouthed rebel.It took alot of years to learn to just let people talk and then just quietly go do my own thing anyway.I'd definately have a yard sale with any leftover "goodies"I've never used a crib much but they make great changing tables and stuff holders!To bad we don't have some kind of meetings for first time mom's to cheer em on!Go momma you're gonna have a wonderful birth! You can do it!Instead of horror stories etc.Sounds like your handling just fine

 

[PattyCakes]

My standard response for all the "stuff" that we weren't interested was "Gee thanks so much for thinking of us, but we're all set". I just kept repeating it and we didn't get a whole lot of things we didn't really need.

We do have a bassinette from a friend and it has come in really handy. My dd can nap wherever I am when I need some hands free time.

As for the "advice" for the most part I just smiled and nodded, unless someone asked me specifically what I was going to "do" and then I'd say rather vaguely (if appropriate) that we were doing natural birth etc. If they asked more I told them more, but otherwise I avoided the battles etc. Everyone has their right to choose.